Entry 588
Saturday (
Guess what? My Mom’s influenced by that “stuff” right now. How so you think that makes me feel? I mean I figured she could at least have enough endurance to avoid it for once night, especially since it’s Christmas Eve, or actually Christmas. It really pisses me off and I can’t believe her…GOD! I’m so mad at her! I could just go in there and slap her across the face right now! I did get up or wait…I got my sister to call Sam and he called me. I told him that I want to end it and we mainly talked about my parents’ problem, but he doesn’t get that it’s not just because of that. He told me not to because he would be all sad and shit and so would a lot of others and something about ruin a lot of people’s Christmas. He said something to me, it wasn’t what he said, but more how he said it, like the way his voice sounded. I mean his tone was the tone that he used a lot when he told me he loved me while we were going out and it just went straight to my heart. He said, “Hey Liz, that tape you made…it takes a lot to makes me cry and every time I listen to it and lie in bed at night, I cry and miss you with me,” or at least that is pretty close to what he said. He told me there is a lot of other things he wants to tell me because we haven’t really had a chance to talk like in a more than friends conversation, he said he just needed some time to get it straight and just figure out how to say it. He told me that before I do anything (as in kill myself) let him talk to me first. He asked me to call him sometime after Christmas that way we will be able to talk. He said just don’t do anything until then, give me a chance to talk you out of it, and to tell you some things that I need to tell you, and to also try and make you feel good about yourself one last time. I don’t know I was just beginning there was no hope left for us, but now I am beginning to feel like we may get another chance just from the way he talked to me today. I don’t wanna get my hopes too high though.
Entry
589
Sunday
(
I hate my life and everything that
goes along with it. I myself so
bad! Nobody believes a word I say, even
I am really telling the truth especially my Dad, I want to die so bad! My Dad thinks I am a liar when I really am
telling the truth, I don’t understand, what’s wrong with me?? My Dad’s pissed off because his and Mom’s
email hasn’t been checked in 5 days.
It’s not even my email account so should I have to check, I my own email
address. I am shaking uncontrollably
right now and can barely write. I feel
so sick, I asked him if he would talk about calmly with me, and he refused he
didn’t listen to a word I said it just went through one ear and out the other. Besides, my Mom is on there like 5 hours at a
time and considering it is her and his email you’d think she could check it,
but now it’s my fault because it’s not my email, but for whatever reason it’s
he deemed it my responsibility to check it.
This is a bunch of bullshit. It
am on there for like an hour a day and I know for a fact if I he had asked me
to check it I would have for the sake of past arguments. Besides I haven’t even been on there today,
so really that is just four days, and also since yesterday was Christmas we
have all been so busy the past 4 or 5 days too.
He has to realize that it not just his computer it is the whole
family’s. I am just so mad and
frustrated. I talked to my Mom about it
because I couldn’t handle being that upset and she said she would talk to
him.
Entry
590
Monday
(
Well I woke up at about one in the
afternoon. I didn’t go to sleep last
night until like 5 in the morning. Sam
called around 2 and all had to say was, “Dude talk to your sister,” I was like
thinking I sit here and tell you what is going on in my head finally and that
is all you have to say. I mean it just
didn’t help much. I am supposed to call
him tomorrow though so we can talk seriously.
He obviously doesn’t get how close I am to ending it. I wrote him a four page letter yesterday and
was planning to read it to him the next time we talk, but he couldn’t talk very
long because supposedly he was on restriction.
He said he would be able to talk more tomorrow so obviously that is why
I am gonna call him then. I only hope
things go the way I want them too. I
mean lately I have been having this feeling that we will get back together, but
I don’t know because it might be from me just wanting it so bad. I really hope that our conversation won’t end
in tears tomorrow. I am so frustrated
with myself and everyone else around me, especially my Dad. He’s just an asshole, everything has to be
his way or no way. I also hate
myself. It seems like every time I have
been crying and really upset lately, there is no one to call and I guess that is
somewhat why I feel I am all alone. I am
just beginning to get even more depressed and from the looks of it no one seems
to really even care at all. I didn’t get
my one Christmas wish, but then again I never really expected to, but at least
I still had a little hope that just maybe Sam and I would be granted a second
chance, but I guess not. Why can’t I
just stop loving him?? What’s wrong with
me?? I don’t understand why I am this
way. I wish I was different! All I have to talk to and share private
things with is my dog as lame as that sounds it’s true. Oh my GOD, all I have is a DOG!! I am so utterly pathetic. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I don’t
even know who I am. I am so lost and
depressed and no one even gives a fuck!
I want to die! I want to
die!! I feel like I am screaming at the
top of my lungs for help, but not a single person hears or even bothers to
notice. Sam, the one person who I
thought I could possibly reach out to for help, he just brushed me off and told
me to talk to my sister. All I can think
is, tomorrow Sam better have a hell of a lot more to say. If he doesn’t then it is over for me. There is not a single person in this world
that I can say I love you to, and mean it, and them say it back and mean it as
well, and mean it truly from the heart.
That is what makes me feel the most lonely. Although I do love Sam, I can’t hear him say
it back so therefore it doesn’t really matter I can tell my dog, I love her,
but she is not capable of saying it, so it doesn’t even count. As far as my family, most of the love I have
for them is me having to love them. My
brother, Mel, I really do love and adore him, but we never say that to each
other so once again, that doesn’t count.
The way I feel about my sister is more like a friend. So here I am all alone with no one to truly
love, and who will love me back. It
makes me feel like one of the lowest people on earth. I have given up and I am ready to let the
world win.
Entry
591
Tuesday
(
You know every night I lay in bed
and cry my eyes out and there isn’t a single person I can call. Not a single person to hold and comfort
me. It used to be other people in my
life including Sam, but not anymore. We
talked today for like two hours and what a way to end a conversation, but for
him to tell me he has a new girlfriend.
Now as I sit here shaking and crying uncontrollably, I feel sick and I
have a really bad headache. I want so
bad to just have a shoulder to cry on and no one will even offer me that
anymore. I don’t know, I just feel
really bad and just want it all to end.
I have let it all beat me, I have no strength left. I can’t turn to anyone who has comforting
words, who for once will say things that won’t hurt me, or cause more pain in
me, but no one can even do that. I am
ugly, fat, and such an airhead, not to mention heartbroken. All I want is to be happy and for someone to
help me, support me and most importantly won’t abandon, betray, or hurt
me. So many people tell me if you ever
have a problem or need to talk don’t hesitate, but why is it whenever I am in
this type of condition and really need to talk I can’t call anyone because of
several reasons. There is so much
confusion and pain inside me. What
scares me the most is; I don’t know how to make it stop. No one understands, no one can possibly
understand. I told Sam a lot of things
that I have kept locked up inside me today.
I explained how I felt about a lot of things in my life, and all he had
to say in return, “Well, if you kill yourself, I’ll miss you.” I mean that just…..I don’t know. I feel the worst about myself and my life,
more than I ever have before and it seems like there is nobody that is trying
to make me feel better. I thought Sam
might possibly do that, but he didn’t. No
one even tries to cheer me up anymore, or even cares. I don’t understand what the hell is wrong
with me?? What did I do to deserve to feel this awful?? I don’t care if it is a girl or guy, I just
need someone here for me really bad. Sam
told me I need to find someone who is more than a friend, but not like on an
emotional level. He said that’s what his
girlfriend was. He doesn’t understand
there isn’t a single guy like that for me right now. He doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it at
all. No one does. I just need someone to help me smile
again. Why am I so sensitive?? There’s no one left to catch me or to even
reach out a hand. I have never had this
much for this long. Now it has taken
control of my life. I don’t know how to
get it back, and it scares me really bad.
Unfortunately I can’t tell anyone about this because I don’t trust them
enough. I told Sam a lot of this
today. I want so bad to pick up the
phone and call him, but I can’t because it’s too late. I don’t know why I keep running to him,
before I thought it was because he understood and he didn’t say many things
that hurt me. That doesn’t seem to be
the case anymore, but yet why do I still go to him?? Sometimes I start to think that all my pain
isn’t real, but I know it is. I just…I
don’t know.
Entry
592
Wednesday
(
Considering the fact that my head is
pounding, I have had the worst stomachache all day, I have thrown up and I
realized I have lost complete control of everything, including my body
physically and emotionally my day has been absolutely wonderful. You know it seems like the more down in the
dumps I get the more cynical and sarcastic I become, that may just be my way of
dealing with it, or at least attempting to, but never succeeding as always to
act like everything is my life is just dandy!
The other night I decided to play bartender for myself, since my Dad
left a bottle of vodka out on the counter.
I mixed it with coke since I couldn’t even try and drink it straight
up. I had like two glasses and that
didn’t do anything to me though. Once
again I have found myself to begin to turn back to my old friend,
cigarettes. Of course, faithful old Anna
has come through again. I told her that
I am starting to go back to some of my old bad habits. She said, “Well, if you do then you can
forget about our friendship,” so I decided I just simply won’t tell her about
it. I called Sam while I was real sick
and did probably one of hardest things in my life for me right now. I asked my Mom for help, I couldn’t understand
what was wrong with me today. I told Sam
about it all, I was having such intense pain from it all I was just balling in
tears. Sam asked me if I had been eating
as much since we have broken up and I told him no. He went on to pretend like he was analyzing
my symptoms and tried to tell me I was probably becoming anorexic. I really didn’t have much strength to even
try and argue with him, even though I do barely eat anymore, and when I am I
end up giving majority of it to the dogs.
My sister, Kathy came over and said it was caused by stress, worrying,
and being so upset lately, which makes more sense than what Sam said. I have let all this crap take control of me,
I mean it is so bad that it actually caused me to become physically ill. Now I am somewhat scared shitless. I mean I’ve gotten upset in the past, but I
don’t ever recall it making me sick like this before. I don’t know what to do. I have been battling this for awhile now and
I began to believe I could handle it, and get through it all by myself. I now see I can’t. I see I need help and admitting that is so
incredibly hard for me. I knew I was
getting worse, but I don’t understand how I let it get this bad. Sam tried to say it sounded like I was
starving myself on purpose. But I don’t
not eat on purpose, I just don’t have an appetite. It’s just like I don’t eat until my stomach
is growling, then whenever I do eat, I just eat enough to know I have food in
my stomach, ya know never to the point of me being full. I am really scared about all this. Like right now I know I need to eat and that
I should, but I just don’t really want too.
I want to smile, I want desperately to be happy again, but now I realize
that this thing whatever is stronger than my will and what I want. Therefore, there is no way I can overcome it
all alone. I guess that is what
partially made me call Sam. When I asked
him about all this stuff, I wasn’t sure what answers I was seeking. I just thought maybe something that will help
guide me through this crap and just wanting him to be there, I dunno.