Not
Numbered
Monday
The more time that passes the more I
begin to hate my life, despise my parents, and become more confused about
Sam. He did call last night
surprisingly, and I was happy that he did though because I am so relieved that
I found out he still does care for me and still has feelings for me. Although what he had to tell me wasn’t
exactly what I wanted to hear, but I have to deal with it one way or the
other. He said he met this girl who
likes him, but he’s not really sure if he likes her, and he’s planning on
getting to know her a little better and see what happens from there. It hurts really bad every time I think of him
with another girl though, I just have to deal with it and move on though. He said he listens to the tape I gave him
every night before he goes to bed. He
said it made him miss me and reminded him of how much he hates the situation
and sometimes it made him cry thinking of me.
In a way it makes me feel good, but in another way it makes me feel
bad. It makes me feel good because it
shows he still cares and has feelings for me.
I was hoping to maybe hear him say he loved me, but it didn’t really
happen. I miss him so much, I really do! I talked to him about the sex thing and he
said that’s what he always thought too and that is what we had planned and the
way it was going to be, until we broke up.
He was so sweet on the phone, he told me that I needed to find someone
and that although it won’t seem like it at first I will find someone who I will
love just as much if not more than I do/did him. I told that there was really no one I am
interested in at the moment, he said that’s a shame because I am something that
is too good to waste (yeh I know it sounds corny, but it was sweet!). He told me that if I ended up an old maid
he’s personally come and have a word with me.
I want to be over him desperately, but much to my dismay my heart isn’t
ready to let go. Everybody keeps telling
me I need to move on, but they obviously don’t understand how special, deep,
and meaningful our relationship was.
Also they apparently don’t understand that no matter how hard you to let
go and move on it doesn’t really matter because when it comes to love your
heart is the commander. It doesn’t
matter what you mind says. My Grandma’s
here to visit for Christmas so that doesn’t really help me wanting to spend all
my time in my room in order to avoid my parents any. Sam and I also had a long talk about my
parents and their addiction problem. He
said he can’t understand how I considered that to be my problem, I mean come on
though they are my parents. I have to
live in this house for another 2-3 years and I don’t know if I can do that with
the way that stuff makes them act. Plus
at the rate their going they won’t be here much longer I guess. I mean I don’t understand how he can’t get
it. I feel awful because I want to tell
Anna about all this my heart is aching to, but I can’t…I’ve already told one
too many people. I honestly thought the
talk my sister and I had with my Mom would encourage her to help to stop, but
instead all it did was stop them both from doing it in the house as much, and
made her not do it as much.
Entry
584
Wednesday
Okay I feel very hopeless, confused,
and useless. I still care for Sam…big
surprise there right? My brother and my
Grandma are still here, and being with my brother brings back that old happy
childlike feeling. You know the kind
where everything seems perfect and nothing could be wrong because you smell
that chocolate chip cookies your Mom’s baking in the kitchen while playing with
your favorite toy (usually for me ninja turtles). Maybe because some of the best happiest times
I shared with Mel were during those special moments, but that’s all in the past
now and I will never be able to relive those moments again, unfortunately. I can’t stop thinking about Sam. He was the person who inspired, encouraged me
to be me, kept me going, everything. I
would do anything to be with him again.
I would do anything for him at this moment I feel. He meant more than the world to me, and now
it’s all gone, over. I called him twice
today….I told him it was because I needed to get a friend’s, Lewis’s, phone
number for help on an Honor’s English project.
He didn’t have Max’s number, but gave me someone else’s number to call
and get it from, and I called him again because I told him that there wasn’t an
answer and needed someone else’s number to call and get it from. Truth is, I never needed Max’s number, I just
called to hear his voice, as retarded as that sounds, it did bring a smile to
my face. We somewhat flirted with each
other, it felt really good to laugh with him again. Yet unfortunately it made me miss him more. Over the past few weeks I have let, allowed,
watched, however you wanna say it myself fall into a deep state of depression
and I no longer have the will to even try and climb out of it. I’ve had people tell me before that whenever
I have felt I was about to hit rock bottom like now that they would come to the
rescue, but no one’s here. I have no one
really to hold me while I cry and tell me it’s gonna be okay…I guess it just
shows that they don’t really care about me anymore…so why should I??
Entry
585
Friday
(
What am I going to do? My life sucks so bad! I want to die! I feel so pathetic and disgusted with
myself…GOD!! I want to get over all this
bullshit…all of Sam, all of my parents…all of everything!! I went to Max’s party tonight, and my friend
Diane told me about some of the things that Sam said about me. She said that while we were going out one
morning he came in class one morning and Max asked him how his “date” was and
she said he would say stuff like I’m nasty, he hates me, eww…don’t talk about
her. The one thing that hurts and pisses
me off the most is she said that time we “separated” for less than a day, he
came in and said he was over me. I am
going to call him later and ask him about all this.
Entry 586
Friday (
I called Sam today and asked him about what Diane had told me and he said that he had said minor things about me, but nothing mean, and the little things he had said he was joking and never meant any of it seriously…I just wonder if he’s telling the truth. Then he proceeded to reassure me once again he never cheated on me…I dunno if I really believe him…it’s just everybody proceeds to tell me continuously he’s not worth your tears, get over him…and blah blah. They don’t really know the situation though, what they don’t get is behind closed doors he was such a great guy I mean he was really one of the most loving, caring, gentle…etc, dudes I ever met; it’s just a lot harder than people realize to get past all of this. I’m more unhappy than ever, and the tears come more often each day. The more this happens I begin to find myself being sucked into this world of deep despair and hopelessness. Now I seem to be sucked into it all and I can no longer find my way out of any it. Everyone around me doesn’t seem to notice. Last night at Max’s party there was this girl Sarah, there who I’m friends with I guess, but she freaked me out because she read right through me, she said, “You seem so sad, I mean you act happy, but you are really just torn up inside.” It was scary because she hardly knows me. I kept thinking the whole night about Sam and how I wished he was there. I mean it was really my first “social event” that I’ve been to since we broke up and it felt somewhat odd. There I was surrounded by people and I felt more lonely and depressed than ever. Next time I am not going to just jump into a relationship. There was this guy there last night that somewhat caught my interest his name was Bruce. Rick told me he said he thought I was cute and gave him my number, but I dunno maybe I don’t wanna get to know him. He just seemed like a big flirt, does some drugs, and seemed like he was the type of guy that would hurt me very easily. I dunno what I’m looking for anymore, it probably doesn’t even matter. There’s really no one that I really like. Yea, there are the guys that I think are cute, but what I mean is anyone I consider the type of guy I want for a boyfriend, and who would actually want me in return. I don’t know what to do. I just….I want to be me, I wanna be happy so bad, but no matter how hard I try it just doesn’t seem to really cut it. Of course, that seems to be the way things are for me with life in general. Like lately I’ll do my best, but that’s not even good enough anymore. No one seems to understand this. I’ve tried to explain this to others, but they didn’t get it, it wasn’t clicking. I thought Sam would get it, but he didn’t either. Then again I don’t even think he knew what I trying to say, like he didn’t realize I was trying to explain something. I feel I might need to talk to my sister because for whatever reason if there is anyone that may even be able to grasp a portion of what I’m saying or how I’m feeling, I feel like it’s probably her. My life is spinning out of my control and I’m beginning to realize it. I have tried to so hard to help my parents ditch their habit, and yet they haven’t even made the effort and each time I become more devastated than before. I’m tired of trying to get over Sam and struggling to live through each day hoping no one finds out my secrets. This past week I have felt like killing myself so many times, and I really want to talk to someone about it, but there is really no one I trust to tell. Only because of how private and serious this all is. The few times I have called Sam and wanted to try and tell him some of this I either lose my courage, or like today didn’t have enough time. I wanted to talk to him so bad about it earlier when I called him, and I would have, but he couldn’t talk long because he claimed his Grandma, was/is in the hospital and so they were waiting for a call. I just have slowly begun to be numb all over. All my emotional pain and tears have become too much to bare so somehow I just shut them off. I hardly ever sleep anymore. It seems I lay there for at least 2-3 hours before I finally get to sleep. I could understand if it was once or twice, but now it’s just every single night. I do good to get one thing to eat during the day. It’s not because I don’t want to eat, or am starving myself, I just really don’t seem to have the will to. I mean it’s just like I’ll look at a plate of food and it looks good, but I just don’t feel all that hungry so I’ll just feed it to the dog, cat or put it down in the garbage disposal. I know this isn’t normal and it is also not very healthy. I realize that something needs to be done. The only thing is I don’t really think I want to do anything about it. No one seems to know me well enough to see that something is wrong. Therefore, in my eyes no one really cares. So what is the point of even bothering with it. Like I said I want to talk to someone about it and I have tried, but it’s just one too many times so now I am just giving up on it and everything else along with it. I see no reason to continue living when all it seems to be doing is hurting me more physically and emotionally. I have fought and tried but none of it seemed to result in anything but more disappointment.
Entry
587
Friday
(
Okay, I can’t believe this is my
third entry today. But obviously I have
a lot on mind and I’m getting to the point where I have to express it right
then. Plus writing is my only way
out. When I sit here and write page
after page while sitting on my bed in my room it’s like I am able to escape,
although I am writing about me and what’s going on in my life and mind. It is still just a way to be able to get away
and become swallowed up in my own world, a place where people care, they
understand and most importantly I matter to them. My eyes feel so tired and I really just want
to lay down and curl up and go to sleep, but I’ve tried and I can’t as
usual. My body feels so weak. Usually whenever I am home all my time is
spent around myself and in my room. The
only time is I come out, a lot of the time is to check my email on the computer
or to use the bathroom. I just don’t
really like to be around a lot of people lately especially my parents. I have so much anger built up for them both
but more at my Mom. I can’t believe we
have confronted each other, or I have confronted my Mom 3 times, and the 4th
time my sister and I did, yet she still hasn’t quit. In reality at this rate with her heart
problem and the mixture of all her medications with this “stuff” she won’t be
around much longer. At first I didn’t
think she needed help I honestly thought that she could do it on her own, but
now I see she needs some assistance. I
don’t know about my Dad. I mean I know
he still does it too, but I don’t know how bad his problem is or if it is an
addiction problem at that. This is one
of the biggest problems in my life right now and it just seems to me that no
matter how hard I try or how much I do, it will never go away. I don’t know anymore, I really feel torn and
so mixed up, I mean I’m a teenager, only 15 years old, a sophomore in high school,
in less than 2 months, I will be 16 and getting my license, if I’m even still
here, right now I really feel like calling it quits. I mean I’m in high school so many people have
told me these are supposed to be the best years of your life well, it sucks
more than anything right now. I hate my
parents for betraying me like this. I
feel so useless because I can’t even fix one problem that has been going on for
over two years. This is all my fault,
every problem I have is all my fault. I
mean I should have taken action a whole lot sooner than I did, then maybe it
would be gone by now. Then Sam’s Dad
would have never have found out about any of it through reading my letters I
have written Sam, and me and him would more than likely still be together today. I want to pick up the phone and call Sam and
talk to him about every single thing I have written in here all through the
course of the day. He’s the only one
that knows me, like really knows me. I
guess that’s the main reason I feel like I can talk to him. I want to call him so bad, almost more than
anything, but when it comes down to it, I am just a wuss. Plus he may not even be home or able to talk. God, I’m so upset right now. I wish the tears would just STOP! I wish for it all to STOP!