Not
Numbered
Monday
My life’s full of bullshit right
now. Sam’s Dad is such an asshole. I can’t believe he went through all the
letters I’ve written Sam. Now his Dad
knows all of my thoughts, secrets, and worries.
I’ll tell you one thing, I shall no longer write him letters, and since
he told me last night he gets sick of me, then I might just stop talking to him
altogether. Doesn’t matter anyways
because now he isn’t allowed to come over or do anything with me and my parents
in general, since some of the stuff I wrote about involved my parents’
“issue”. Now every time we want to spend
time together has to be in the presence of his parents, or in public. Isn’t that wonderful?!?! What I don’t get is one minute Sam agrees
with what his Dad’s saying, then the next he’s all pissed and totally hates his
Dad because we weren’t able to spend any time alone yesterday when I was over
at his house. He told me tonight, “If
times like yesterday is the only times we’re able to see each other, then I’m
gonna have to do something about it.”
Then he said that his Dad wasn’t doing that for Sam’s safety, but doing
it to break us up. That is originally
what I thought at first, but Sam was all like, “No, he’s in the right and blah
blah.” I just don’t get it and don’t choose to say anything. It was ridiculous on Saturday it was a waste
of time because Sam and I wanted to see a movie, but his Dad swore up and down
they had to get home and do some work right away.
Not
Numbered
Tuesday
I feel so worn out and tired,
everybody I know seems so happy, I wonder what happened to me. My throat is burning and has felt closed up
since Saturday. My friends can’t even
tell I’m falling apart. The one person I
thought would catch me has given up. I
thought Sam knew me more than anyone, but he doesn’t. I get the feeling he’s gonna break up with me
later. Earlier today something was wrong
and he wouldn’t tell me what, so of course I go to the extreme and start to
think it has to do with us and all this stuff.
I would like to write him a note to tell him how I feel and how much I
love him, but I’m afraid to for fear of his Dad reading it. So here I am once again closing myself up to
everything but pen and paper, my only solace.
For the moment I guess I don’t really have any other option, but to just
stay to myself. I wish I could go back
to Thursday while I was with Sam, when he was just holding me. It felt nice to be in his arms and not
actually just know he loves me, but feel it ya
know. Now because of the way
things are between us I am afraid that we will never have anymore of those
moments. My god, I love him so much,
more than I ever thought capable. I
don’t know if he remembers certain things that he has said to me in the past,
although cheesy and corny, quite comforting at the moments they were said. It is just the way things are going and the
way he is acting it is beginning to make me wonder.
Not
Numbered
Thursday
I guess a lot of stuff has just been
completely diminished in my life. Sam broke
up with me because he claims his Dad made him or something, but whatever I
dunno, it just seems not so truthful.
I’m hurting so much, I just can’t bring myself to stop crying I just
wish all this would stop. I’ve taken the
worst plunge, I’m falling deeper and deeper and no one understands, not even
Sam but it doesn’t matter because I’ve lost him anyways. I still love him and I think he still loves
me and I guess that is why this is killing me.
I feel like my heart’s being torn out of me slowly and just being
stepped all over, does that make sense?
I’m terrified of what’s gonna happen to me, I hope Sam’s okay. He thinks I am gonna stop loving him, but I
don’t see that possible. I was under the
impression that we were still gonna be together, but just sneak around I guess…never
mind I dunno what I thought. I guess
that’s why I was so upset…I also thought we weren’t actually over until
Friday…but again I guess I was wrong.
I’m still gonna get him something for Christmas…or not…maybe I shouldn’t
maybe I should just sever all ties. If I
do it will be something small, but with lots of meaning. I would give almost anything to feel his
touch again, to hear him say, “I love you.”
Okay I know this sounds cheesy, but ah well…ya know those little flag like
things that are put outside of hersey kisses that say kiss on them, well awhile
back Sam gave me two of those to use as a coupon for a kiss so I brought one to
school today, since I was under the wrong impression that we weren’t officially
broken up until Friday and I thought he’d be getting a ride home with me today,
so I was going to give him one, and tell him I will be holding on to the other
one for a day when/if we join back together, but obviously I couldn’t do that
because I was under the wrong impression to begin with. My GOD, I love him so very much it hurts
right now!!
Entry
582
Thursday
Sam and I are still apart…I love him
still. For Christmas I made him a tape
of some songs and stuff…nothing all that big.
Joey called me at like
Entry
583
Sunday
I miss Sam, what else is new right?? I still have hope that we might get back
together, as lame as that sounds, yet for all I know he could already be with
someone new. Okay another crazy thought
that entered my insane head….I always thought that the first person I had sex
with would my first everything…ya know….like did anything sexually with or
loved or opened up to emotionally…all of that.
Sam was that person although the thought of us not being together did
cross my mind, but the thought that he would not be my first didn’t…does that
make sense?? I mean we did pretty much
anything and everything but that. I am
afraid of other people finding out though.
It just feels odd thinking about having sex for the first time with
someone else. I guess I just always
assumed he would be the first person that happened with. He wasn’t the first person I kissed, but all
the other stuff he was. He’s supposed to
call me today so we can talk about some of this stuff…I guess. I sent him two emails Friday one was just
incredibly long explaining how I felt about things in life at the moment. The second was after a bunch of crap had
happened between my parents and I because I couldn’t stop thinking about that
and the whole “sex” issue. So I got up
and wrote an email that said I really needed and wanted to talk to him about
some things so if possible whenever he got done reading it to call me. He wrote me back and turns out he’s in