Entry 577

Tuesday

8-3-99

            My party was a success I think everyone enjoyed it.  My boyfriend really hurt me and did something he told me he’d try with all his power never to do.  When he gets angry he says things he knows will emotionally and mentally hurt the person…as a lot of people do when they get like that.  So after everyone had left and my Mom was taking him home I was upset about many things and we were just so distant.  I felt like he was gonna break up with me.  I tried to talk to him, but that just made things worse.  When he got out of the car I was crying, but trying to hide it, but he knew it anyways and yet told me he didn’t know if he would call me the next day or not ‘cause he may be too busy. I don’t think it was just what he said but after we dropped him off, I just broke down.  I thought I was gonna lose him.  Then much to my surprise he called me when I got home and we talked about it.  There’s only one thing I’m still upset and hurt about, he said he’d do his best never to be like that, especially toward me, yet he still did.  I think I now understand why I feel the need to put on an act of being happy.  Now more than ever because if that’s what I get when we have a little, whatever that was, then I just don’t feel I should show much emotion around him again.  Now if I am afraid to tell him how I feel, I have to be happy even if it’s not what he wants.  I know I should tell him this, but I’m afraid to.  I’m afraid to make him mad, I’m holding all these feelings and emotions inside me.  I feel like there is no one I can tell without making it look like I want a pity party.  So I just keep it all bottled up inside me, there’s no one that can or ever will understand.  My or one of my best friends told someone that one of the main issues in her life were none of my business.  See Helen, one of my best friends, has gone out with this guy, Rick like four different times.  During the third time Helen and Rick would come to me with problems about their relationship.  Helen asked my advice, asked for my help.  She pulled me in and I cold she was being hurt and so was Rick.  They broke up and then got back together which I was unhappy about and she asked me again for my advice.  Then they broke up.  Then at my party when they were flirting and stuff, I asked her about it and she told me they are dating for awhile and just seeing what happens.  I told her that I didn’t want to see her or Rick go through it all over again and just be hurt in the end.  And she told someone it was none of my business, which really pissed me off.  I’m trying to watch out for two friends because I don’t want to see them hurt.  Is that so wrong?

 

Entry 578

Saturday

8-21-99

            I’m just so confused and everything else right now.  Yesterday Sam came home with me and stayed until like 10:30 p.m.  School’s been going alright, I like pretty much all of my teachers.  Anyways, yesterday at around seven p.m. we as in, Joey, Helen, Rick, Sam, Betty, Ryan, two of his friends, Max, and Paula and I all went to the movies.  When the movie was over with and we were waiting for our rides I saw Amy.  She was with Ryan, of course.  Helen and Rick are back together, which I am not sure I am happy about or not.  Last night was really good for me and Sam, but some of the things he has been saying to me lately have been getting somewhat annoying.  Like a few days ago he said he had to get home and finish a 12 page letter, and I joking around said the longest letter you have ever written me was like 2 ½ pages or something (the 12 page one was typed on the computer so hand written it would be even longer and the 2 ½ was handwritten).  Then he responds by saying, “Well, maybe if you had an interest in photography I would because that’s what we correspond over,” or something to that extent.  It just annoyed me because I mean supposedly we’re in love right…and that to me should be enough to write tons of pages about.  I feel in a way sort of left out of certain interests or hobbies in his life because he automatically assumes I wouldn’t care.  Yet he has never even bothered to say anything to me about them.  I mean I knew he enjoyed taking pictures but he never expressed to me that it was one of his favorite hobbies.  Then another things he said was when yesterday when we were talking if we were to ever get married, ya know if we lasted that long, we started to talk about certain traits we wanted our children to inherit from us.  He somehow said something like, “I want them to have my control,”.  Then he goes on to explain this by saying that when I get mad I hit, but it didn’t bother him because he has been physically abused before…or something, making it sound like I’m a violent abusive person, which annoys me the most because if he really believes that, then he doesn’t know me at all.  I have rarely hit anyone in order to him and when I have it is because I was pushed to the breaking point, which is something you’d have to literally work at to get me that way.  The only time I have ever “hit” him was just joking around ya know?

 

Entry 579

Monday

9-6-99

            It is definitely true both my parents smoke “stuff”.  That’s okay though, my parents left me by myself this weekend, they went to Savannah.  I spent the whole weekend basically with Sam and I had fun although yesterday had some scary parts in it.  I really do love him a lot.  His b-day is coming up and I am getting him some cologne and for our one year anniversary on the 26^th, I’m getting him a book called “Chicken Soup for the Couples’ Soul”, and hopefully on that day he will be able to come over to my house and we are going to read most of our letters we have written to each other, just to reminiscence, which should be interesting, just to see how our relationship has changed.  A lot of confusion and stress going on in my life right now.  My parents are getting more and more on my nerves every second.  I know they care about me, but I honestly think it’s more from obligation and only to make me feel good, I dunno.  Sam says his Dad’s just a terrible person, but I can understand where he’s coming from when he tells Sam certain things.  I am beginning to see Sam in a different light, like almost as a different person.  Yesterday for example, his Mom was ready to take me home at three something, and he wanted me to stay longer so we could spend some time together, but yet he came over to my house Thursday and I was at his house Friday-Sunday.  I mean I didn’t really mind leaving, but he made an issue out of it and got in an argument with his Mom about it.  I wanted to tell him to be quite and that it was okay, but I decided to stay out of it.  That was the first time I ever saw his Mom get mad, and I saw Sam lose his temper as well.  He was mad at his Dad about something an came in there and threw his shoes pretty hard where they made a big bang on against the wall and one almost hit me.  It just is beginning to make me think about us and if that’s the type of person I really want.  It really scared me to be honest when he did that, I know that may sound stupid, but it did.  It also made me wonder if I were to say something to him that may really offend him and piss him off, would he throw things at me, or worse hit me?  He told me that when he gets really pissed like that he just tries to stay calm and stuff, but I’m not sure if I believe that anymore.  He apologized for that little outburst, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. 

 

Entry 580

Wednesday

9-15-99

            I am so sick of me, and I just feel all I do is cry…and ya know…whether it is about something that happened between Sam and I, my Mom, school, friends, or just stupid shit.  I can’t stand myself right now, I hate crying I hate it!!  There are so many time that I wish Sam was here with me and he can’t be here and it just drives me crazy.  Tonight on the phone we hardly said a word to each other.  I think I might have pissed him off because I was acting like a bitch, but it may sound odd, but I don’t really care right now. When he told me he loved me, I don’t think he meant it, it just sounded so heartless and unemotional. For all I know he could be plotting to break up with, I mean I don’t wanna lose him.  I hate being so damn sensitive…why am I??  I want to tell Sam a lot of this, but I’m afraid to, never been too good at expressing my true emotions to people.  I can’t tell anyone about this crap not even my own boyfriend, just because I don’t feel comfortable opening up to anyone like that.  Sam will be 17 on Friday, and our one year anniversary is on the 26^th, if we are still together.  I really need to sit down and have a long conversation about all of this and I think what I want most from him is comfort, just have him hold me ya know.  I just have this happy personality mode type deal I go into when I am around people so they don’t wonder what’s wrong with me.  I just don’t want to sound like I am complaining or moping, or craving attention, and when you try and talk about this kind of crap that is what a lot of people think and why I chose to hide it.  Even though I feel the urge to tell Sam.

 

Entry 581

Saturday

10-9-99

            This week or month, whatever has been so frustrating.  Sam and I celebrated our 1 year thing, and it was pretty nice, we went and ate and went to a movie.  He got me some chocolate and a new chain for a charm he had previously given me.  During the next week I told him I wanted to separate, not really break up, just take some time apart.  Later on that day I was hitting myself in the head for making such a dumb decision.  The next day I told him I regretted it and wanted to forget I ever said that.  He then said he needed the rest of the day to figure things out.  That night he asked me back out again, and it was somewhat sweet the way he went about doing it.  Then this is what made things so screwed up.  Up until Friday night and Saturday night I was so happy because I thought things were going really good between us.  Then that night he called me and something was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me so I kept persisting, which I later found out pissed him off and that he thought I deserved what he told me.  Then that’s what I really didn’t get, I mean he does that to me all the time and I never once get angry I mean persisting like that when I won’t tell him something.  Then I do it to him and I supposedly deserve to be hurt…whatever!  Don’t think so!  He told me that he didn’t think that he loved me anymore and he may wanna break up.  At that moment I just couldn’t hold it in, it wasn’t just that but everything it was like a switch went off and I just let the tears go, he told me he was sorry once.  Then while I was crying he let me go, which just sort of pissed me off.  He told me he needed to talk to someone and he’d give me an answer the next night.  Anyways, I spend the next 24 hours in a turmoil of emotions and all the things he ever said about loving me and all just ran through my head over and over.  Anyways, we supposedly worked things out, I mean like we talked and I told him that up to that point our relationship seemed like some sort of fairy tale, like it wasn’t real…as cheesy as that sounds.  I also told him that we both had a lot of trust to rebuild with each other.  I really just don’t know what to do at this point.  I mean my heart wants to be with him so bad, but my brain is now saying this isn’t right, but god I love him so much, I honestly do!!  I just need to figure all this out.