Entry 573

6-5-99

            Have you wondered about why things happen?  Whether or not it’s for better or for worse?  Or what’s the reason for it if it’s gonna effect you in a bad way for a long time?  Ya know God says we aren’t supposed to question things, but yet we are human and it’s natural to ask why.  I don’t understand what went on yesterday.  My Dad lost complete control.  We had a heated argument and one thing led to another and he came in my room and shoved me against the bookcase.  Then he was trying to take some of my things out of my room, and when I tried to stop him he hit me in the face on my nose.  At first I fell to the floor and my body went numb, I realize now that I went into a stage of shock.  I then grabbed my Dad and begged him to stop.  My Mom was infuriated that he had even laid a hand on me.  There was talk of them getting a divorce, but it’s not gonna happen.  My Dad begged for our forgiveness.  I tried to and I’m still trying to, but it’s really hard.  My life is completely changed now.  My nose still hurts really bad.  Every time I see him I feel a little frightened.  I just can’t get those thoughts, sights, and feelings out of my head.  Last time this happened was the day before I ran away.  Everything’s just so screwed right now.  I dunno how I’m gonna be able to get over this.  My parents are already acting like it never happened.  I don’t see how they can get over this so quickly.  I’m so hurt and scarred by this.  It’s like the older I get the more things like this effect me.  I’ve really just been doing my best to ignore my Dad.  I feel like this whole thing was my fault.  If I had just shut up and wasn’t so opinionated!!

 

Not numbered

6-20-99

            I feel kind of confused about the relationship with my boyfriend right now.  We haven’t seen each other since the Saturday before last.  Why?  Because he went to some church camp or whatever.  He says he has had a major change and I believe him, I’m just sort of scared it might change some aspects of our relationship…I dunno maybe not.  Here’s the thing, I know he loves me, but I love him like as a friend as a person I’m very close with, and when I tell him I love him that is what I mean, except when he tells me that, he means so much more.  He loves me so much more than a friend and I feel bad about the way I feel.  I care for him as much more than a friend and he means so much to me.  I just don’t know what to say or do.  The first time we talked in a week was today.  He came home from camp yesterday, but I went to the beach, in Panama City this weekend with Helen.  So when I called him after I got back something was different between us.  I dunno what, but something happened while we were apart and it scared me because I’m worried it may effect us in a big way.  I can’t help wondering if he’s made a decision without me about us.  I just dunno!

 

Entry 574

7-11-99

            Everyday I begin to dislike my Dad more and more.  I forgave him or tried to, and I tried to build that bond between us again, but he always says or does things that takes us a step back from the finish line.  It’s okay I guess.  We got back from the beach yesterday.  One of my best friends Helen came with me.  She saw some sides of me I wish she didn’t, but too late.  We had a pretty good time though.  My Dad got a cartoon drawing of me, my sister Kathy, and my brother Mel.  Helen and her boyfriend Rick are definitely broken up and they more than likely won’t get back together.  Helen’s been liking this guy Joe for a couple of weeks.  It just happens Sam’s good friends with him and yesterday he told Sam he’s gonna ask Helen out so I’m really happy for her. I just can’t tell her.  Sam’s hopefully coming over today, he’s supposed to call me around 1 and it is 12:30 now.  At the beach I got him a little stuffed animal dressed as a karate dude and makes karate like noises when you squeeze him, I only got that really as a joke.  I got him a little card he can put in his wallet that has a poem on it expressing somewhat of how I feel about him and last but not least I got him an airbrushed shirt that has his name Sam at the top with a soccer ball on it, which was the main thing I got him.  My cat Abby had her kittens, and there is five of them, and four of them are tabbies, and one is all black.

 

Entry 575

Wednesday

7-21-99

            We’re having to register for school on the 28^th, how fun!!  Sam’s supposed to come home today, but I haven’t heard from him yet and it’s 8 p.m. so I dunno.  I miss him a bunch.  I have been driving a lot lately and I’m getting a lot better.  I’m not as bad as I thought I was.  I’m having a party on the 31^st, I’m inviting a lot of friends from school.  It’s really no more than 13 or 14 people.  I’m thinking about 10 of them will show up.  So in a way it’s a get together type thing, it should be really fun, hopefully.  I really hope Sam calls me soon ‘cause I wanna talk to him so much!!  He told me he was coming home today, but when he said it he sounded like he wasn’t sure if he was or not.  My Mom just finished cooking dinner, so I’ve got to go and eat now.

 

Entry 576

Sunday

7-25-99

            Why do I get upset for no reason?  I look and feel like crap.  I feel like crying, why…dunno.  I’m afraid all this is for something more than I need right now.  I’m on the phone with my boyfriend, yet not saying much.  He just let me go.  He came over yesterday, and I’m hoping he can tomorrow since it’s our 10 month anniversary.  I have a feeling I’m beginning to get depressed.  It runs in my Mom and Dad’s side of the family.  Deep depression…like manic that is.  I’m afraid to express it to anyone though.  Only for fear of what all I went through last time I got like this, maybe it never stopped and I just hid it underneath this happy exterior.  All my friends seem to be fine, I’m the only one who seems to have these bad of problems.  I dunno, I’m just trying to hide it because I don’t want people to think I’m crazy or stupid like they did before.  I just am confused and I hope my party goes well.