Entry
568
I miss Sam so much! I really do hope that he misses me as much
as I miss him! I miss all my close
friends, Helen, Jess, and Amy. I really
do hope that Sam cares for me as much as I do for him. I mean he really does mean the world to me. Again I am just wondering if he feels the
same way. You know I really don’t think
it’s good to have doubts like this about your boyfriend. I just wanna hurry up and go home, then I’ll
be happy. I think one of the things I
miss a lot, besides my boyfriend and my friends is using up all my spare time
by talking on the phone instead of just sitting around and having to listen to
the dull conversations the “adults” have.
Entry 569
Tuesday
God things just seem so confusing
right now. My heart feels so torn. One minute I think I am falling for someone,
then the next thing I know they have just torn my feelings into pieces. People say they can relate to how I feel, but
they have no clue what it’s like. They
can’t know what it feels like for the first time to know you really care for
someone and they feel the same, but at the same time you have this feeling that
your supposed best friend likes him and that he likes her. Then I go through this depression phase
again…..and it almost was just difficult for me to even look into
tomorrow. Then I ran away with this
person and of course get caught, and had to suffer the consequences of my
actions, by not being able to see this person, who I cared for, as well as got
put on probation for three months. Then
I have this crazy relationship go on and off because of having to sneak
around. Then right when I felt we were
getting closer he breaks up with me for unexplainable reasons. Then less than two weeks later my so-called
best friend asks him out knowing good and well I still have strong feelings for
this person. Then because my “friend”
did this I decided to go to camp for four days to get away from all this
crap. I left without letting any of my
friends know, and turns out I met someone there. I end up going out with this person in less
than a day. I leave Thursday, and that
night his friend calls me trying to say this guy wanted to break up with
me. I didn’t believe this friend, and I
talk to the guy and he claims it not to be true. The next afternoon he calls me up and
everything is pretty much okay. Then
later on, on Friday night I talk to his friend again and he tells me that this
guy has gone out with two girls while going with me. So naturally I call him inappropriate
words. Then of course while all this is
going on I find out that my ex-boyfriend that went out with my supposed best
friend tells one of my other friends that he still wants to get back with me,
when all this crap with probation and everything is over with for us because we
ran away. Then my friend that he told
asks him what he is going to do about his current girlfriend (my ex-friend) and
he responds, “I don’t know I care about them both,”. Then after I call my ex-boyfriend (the one I
met at camp) another inappropriate word, his friend who I have never seen asks
me out, and like a big idiot because I just wanted to make the current ex
jealous I said yes. Everything is fine
on Saturday, then on Sunday I spend the night with a friend in which everything
goes okay as well. Then Monday I’m
talking to a friend and the current ex beeps in and while talking to him he
calls the friend I was talking to on the other line on three way. Then I have another beep and it’s one of my
boyfriend’s friends and he says that he wants to break up with me because
people told him some rude untrue things about me, which I later find out was
one of my old enemies. At the time I
didn’t really care because like it was a big loss or whatever, considering I
didn’t really even like him even all that much.
I then click back over and continue to talk to my friend and current ex
on three way. Then obviously I get off
the phone with them, which brings us to the present. It is
Entry
570
Saturday
I don’t know, I mean at the moment I
have got like three guys that like me and I’m just so confused about that. All three of them say that they care about me
and blah blah, but it is all just so complicated. Most girls would be flattered about this
situation, but me, I hate it. First
there is my ex Sam, who still is with my ex best friend, Jessica. He says that he still cares about me and all,
but he also loves Jessica. Second there
my other ex, Jason who again says he has strong feelings for me…but I
dunno. Third there is Marcus who I go
with now, but on Thursday he went to
Entry
571
I don’t know what to do right
now. Everything is so frustrating; I’m
just not myself lately. I don’t
understand what’s wrong me. One minute
I’m in a great mood, the next I’m ill at everyone even if they ask me a little
question. This is even starting to cause
problems between Sam, my boyfriend and I.
He felt like it was his fault the other night when the whole
conversation was just full of friction, but it was really me. I’m pretty sure this isn’t PMS it usually is
never this bad. I’m stressed out about
school, especially since finals are coming up, I’m angry about the dumbest
things, but most of all I’ve been so forgetful and out of it lately that I
nearly let my brand new video camera melt.
Actually not all the way, or nowhere near all the way, but enough as to
where it wouldn’t work anymore. Luckily
my Daddy got it to working so it should be okay. I’ve just been making the worst mistakes
lately, which have been purely from stupidity maybe everyone’s right about me
being such an airhead. I must be because
of all the things I’ve been doing lately, things which an idiot would only let
happen. I’m usually not this negative
about my intelligence, but this time I actually deserve it. Sam says I shouldn’t be so down on myself, he
just doesn’t understand that that’s my way of doing things. I love him so much, but sometimes I feel like
he doesn’t know me at all. He doesn’t completely
understand the way I like to go about things and so sometimes it really
aggravates me when he tries to twist it around, of course he doesn’t know
this. I wouldn’t dare let him know
because it would only cause a huge intense conversation and I’m just really not
up for that plus he once again might tell me something about another girl that
I may not want to know. He’s done this
plenty of times and it hurts, but of course, I don’t let him know because I
don’t want him to think that’s my way of saying you’re not allowed to have
girls as friends or something. It’s just
like the other night on the phone he told me something about him having
thoughts about other girls that he used to have crushes on. Then to stop these thoughts he thought about
what I would do if I knew he was having those thoughts or much less if he were
to act on them. I don’t have thoughts
about other guys like that, except for him.
Even if I did I wouldn’t tell him, and I really don’t want to know if he
is. Not only does he hurt me, but it
makes me feel like I’m not good enough for him.
I don’t care about him having girls as friends and talking to other
girls and things like that, I could care less about that kind of stuff, because
I trust him. It’s just when he starts
having thought about these girls and he tells me?!?!? I know he was trying to make me feel better
by saying that the thought of me would make these thoughts automatically go
away, but it only made me feel worse and it also made me cry. He doesn’t know this and he won’t; he’s said
and done a lot of things that have made me cry, but I’ve never told him half of
them. Why? Because I don’t want him to feel like he has
to pick his words more carefully around me, I want him to be able to be himself
around me, and telling him that will only cause him not to be himself. Also because I love him and I don’t want to
worry him over some stupid nonsense that made me cry. Most things I cry about are stupid and silly
anyways so there’s really no reason to make him get all worried and upset over
nothing. You may be wondering why I’m
still with him and how I can still love him sometimes. It’s simple, he’s everything to me! I know him so well I can look at his facial
expressions and I can tell what kind of mood he’s in, I can especially tell if
there is something wrong, and he says he can do the same with me. He is the greatest thing that ever happened
to me I like to think sometimes. It
really wasn’t until I met him until I believed in destiny. I may only be 15, but I have some ideas on
what I want the person I marry to be like and he is pretty close to a model of
that. If we don’t end up together I want
it to be someone quite similar to him.
He is more than just my boyfriend, he’s my best friend, my lover (no
sex), my family, my heart, my soul, he is me and I am him. There’s no one in the world that I could love
more than him right at this moment.
There’s no guarantee for us in the future, that’s why I’m trying to take
advantage of the time I do have with him now.
I don’t think he can ever understand how much he has and will affect my
life. God brought us together for a
reason and I think I’ve discovered what that reason is. He brought us together because he knew I
could help Sam have patience and help not to lose his temper especially with
his Dad, I could help him have a better outlook on things and know that around
every corner and bend in the road there is always something new waiting to be
discovered. He knew Sam could help me
get through the rough time with my Dad, he could help me keep that outlook not
only to help encourage myself, but also him, and he could help me realize how
lucky I am to have a good stable relationship with both my parents, and he knew
he could help me actually feel comfortable with my body and looks. Most importantly he new that we could help
each other realize how precious life really is and that there is someone out
there other than family that can return our love just as true as we give it to
them. He saw that we were both having
troubled times and brought us together because we needed each other and he knew
that we would both be able to trust each other more than we ever have anyone
and have a long lasting, loving relationship.
Entry
572
Sunday
Well Sam and I have been dating for
eight months now, since the 26th.
He’s so sweet sometimes. I love
him, at least I am pretty sure I do. My
parents like him a lot. I’m more sexual
with him than any guy I’ve ever been with.
We’ve came close to having sex several times, but we always stop because
I dunno about him, but I am not ready for it yet. He is a virgin, at least I think he is…and my
parents trust us so much. A lot of times
when he’s over we end up home by ourselves.
I’m not complaining though. We
have both seen each other without the clothes, one thing I am not too proud of
though is how far I have let him go. The
first time he did some things I wanted to stop him, and slap him, but I
couldn’t. I couldn’t even believe what
he was doing, and sometimes it would hurt really bad. For some of the things if I could go back I
would of told him to stop. Then some
other times the stuff he was doing didn’t hurt all that bad, partially because
I tried to enjoy some it since before him I have never done anything but kiss a
guy, so I think it hurt because it would be the first time any of that had
happened. Sometimes though I just act
like I enjoy a bit too much and would act like it made me…well want to seal the
deal and I still do, but sometimes it doesn’t really do anything for me at
all. Sometimes when he does things a
certain way it doesn’t really hurt just feels a little bit uncomfortable, yet I
don’t ever tell him to stop. I don’t
know why I just don’t. I just act like
I’m really enjoying it and try to ignore the feeling. The past couple of times he’s done some things
I feel kind of ashamed about it, and I sort of wanna tell him not to them
anymore, but I just can’t. I don’t wanna
hurt his feelings or make him feel bad or anything. I’m just glad I got through my first year of
high school. I haven’t gotten my report
card and I really wish it would hurry up and get here, so I can see how I did
in Physical Science.