Journal Three
Entry 562
I hate my life so much. Everything seems so messed up at school and
everywhere else. I hate rumors! I hate gossips! I hate people who run their mouths too much
and start thing up with people who didn’t even do a thing. I hate all the violence that exists in this
world today. It’s just so unbelievable
sometimes. It makes me ashamed to be a
part in this world that looks so much to drugs and violence for answers. It’s like once you straighten one thing out
with someone, something else happens that you’ve gotta fix. Why can’t people solve their problems by
talking about it? Instead of getting all
mad and taking it out on others. What is
wrong with this world today?? It is so
hard just to try and be a good person, Christian at that in a world so full of
anger, and hate. I hate people
blackmailing others just to get what they want.
I hate it when people in your family just invade your privacy and don’t
knock on the door at least. I hate it
when people won’t leave you alone when that is all you want..when they think
that any time that is good for them is good for you, when you might be in the
middle of doing something important, and they don’t even care. I hate people who think they have the right
to control you, like your parents, when their authority to you is nowhere near
that of your parents. I hate people who
think they are all that, when they are just all talk. You know it’s like that old saying, “Talk the
talk, walk the walk,”, which to me means if you say something then you should
at least be able to go through with it.
Entry
563
Wednesday
People say there’s always someone in
the world that’s like your twin, some are born with them and some aren’t. You know the other day my Dad told to never
write anything down, because eventually somebody will read it. I do want people to read this in a way, just
not right away. Whenever I went to court
I was so mad when I saw Sam’s lawyer reading my diary. I mean he had no right to be reading my most
private thoughts. I mean it just pissed
me off. I think that is the most angry I
have ever been in my life. I was about
ready to jump out of my chair and snatch it from him, but my Mom grabbed my
arm. Seeing that I think I really
changed my whole outlook on people and things in general. It’s like my whole life was being read by
strangers, there were things in there that I wouldn’t dream of telling my
closest friends, so the things I put in there were extremely private. Not only did it make me mad it also hurt a lot. I felt like I was stripped of all my rights
to have privacy and secrets. You know
maybe my Dad’s right, maybe I shouldn’t ever bother to write but I’ve tried
that. It’s like whenever something is
really bothering me, I have to write about it.
It’s my way of self expression, other people use music, anger, art, or
other things, but I use writing. I so
want those diaries back, because I want to be able to look back on them one
day. Whenever our lawyer went over to
ask her if I could have them back, she said, “I’ll have to talk to my
supervisor about that,”. I mean like she
is going to read them anymore, unless she just wants to be nosy and there and
sit there and read them again. Of
course, I guess I’ve learned my lesson for running away and I am sorry I did
it. I had to see Sam, my feelings for
him have totally changed. I used to
really care for him and now…well, I don’t hate him but I just don’t have
anything for him. I don’t know how he
feels about me, but I really don’t care.
Entry
564
Thursday
Some people may not realize it but
in the end people from your past always end up coming back to you. Like last year my friend Jessica tried to
hook me up with a guy. We talked once on
the phone for less than like three minutes and both really didn’t like each
other. Then this year on January 2nd,
she introduced us over the phone again and for some reason things were
different. We became really good
friends. Then we both began to like each
other, and we eventually began to go out.
Then we made a dumbass mistake and ran away together. After that things ended abruptly, and
obviously the guy I am talking about is Sam…I mean who else, right? Then there is Luke, who I met through Mary
and who she had went out with before, and him and I end up going out for like a
week maybe. I mean I have never really
had a long relationship. The longest one
I ever had lasted for three months, which was with Sam. I really did care about him. Yesterday I tried so hard to convince myself
that I don’t like him anymore, but I really don’t think it worked all that
well. The reason why is because now I
feel like I made a mistake, I want him back.
I miss him, I could tell him anything, and everything. I trust him more than my closest
friends. And now I feel like I’ve lost
him completely. I feel like we’ll never
get back together, no matter how much I want too. I fell like he’ll never want to again. If only I had a chance to tell him how I
feel, but I guess that’ll never happen.
He probably feels like going with me was the biggest mistake he ever
made. That’s why I must keep the fact
that I care for him so much to myself.
Entry
565
I’ve turned over a new leaf. I figure that I’m not gonna force myself to
stop liking or for that matter loving anyone, especially Sam. I mean if we are meant to be together then
let it be, if not then I guess I’ll move on, and find someone else. So I’m just gonna let fate control it. I’ve realized that I can’t help the way I
feel. It’s like whenever I try and tell my
friends about how I feel, I feel more and more remorseful for letting him
go. I so wanna get over him, but then
again I don’t. It’s like I talked to him
on the phone all the time, so I always thought he was just some figure on the
phone, I never had to worry about. Then
when I met him, I didn’t think it was real.
It wasn’t until we started going together that I thought of him as a
real person, not just a voice over the phone I can brush aside. Then after we broke up, I don’t know, I just
thought of him as a person that I talked to but never see. And ever since then every time I think about
seeing him, I can’t stand the thought, but I love the thought of talking to
him. So I really don’t know… I’ve got to be one of the most confusing
people in the world. I keep having this
feeling that I’m one of those people that do what others expect of me, one that
never does what I want to do, that does things to get attention, or to impress
others or just to get them to like me.
Then again I feel like I always stand out sometimes. Yet I do things the
same as anyone else. I have my own
style, my own way of living my life.
Then I keep having this feeling that I’m becoming depressed again, that
maybe I still am, that maybe I’ll always be this way, even if I do everything
in my power not to be like this. I find
myself sometimes being a bitch to others sometimes when I’m not meaning
to. Almost like another person is taking
over my body, and I’m stuck inside asking myself why I’m acting this way. I just feel like everybody knows me so well
that they can always tell how I feel, what I’m thinking, what I’m gonna do when
and where. Which makes me think I have
to exactly be that way, or I won’t be excepted in today’s society. That just makes me stand out more, and just
to be different. I hate being like
everyone else, I hate being a person that everyone has expected things from, it
just makes me wanna do something outrageous, unique different. I’ve already done something like that once
and look where that got me. I don’t
know, I don’t understand myself half the time.
Maybe one day I’ll figure it out, hopefully!!
Entry
566
So far on this trip in
Entry
567
My Aunt Susan and my brother, Mel
are here now. I just miss being at
home. I wish I was with Sam right
now. I really care for him so much. I’ve got two days left, thank God! I just hate having to be with my Aunt Susan,
because she thinks that half the things I do is not appropriate for a young
lady my age. I don’t care though. One thing I can’t stand about my Mom, Aunt
Kathy, and Aunt Susan is that they all like to hug and pat too much. It really makes me uncomfortable, there’s
only one person I like to hug me and hold me and that is obviously Sam. I just can’t wait until August when I get off
probation so I can see him. Jess thinks
that we’re meant for each other and that we’re bound to get married. Sam jokingly asked me to marry him one
time…and I was like um..right…please.