Entry
609
Wednesday
Note the date, January 19
Wednesday. Last night from about 11-1:30
in the morning, Sam and I had the longest and probably one of the most
important conversations we will ever have.
Last night we just somehow started telling each other about our
relationship and how we feel toward each other now. We both came to the decision if we could go
back to the last time we were together in my room we would have made love. He said for me to not even think that the
relationship he’s in now has nothing going on emotionally or physically. It’s like all the things I had been wondering
about and questioning he said without me even having to ask. You know the best part of the conversation
was when I told him, “I love you,” and he said, “I love you too.” I was smiling from ear to ear when he said
this. I haven’t been this happy in such
a long time. He kept telling me how much
he missed me, and how much he wishes he could hold me right then and
there. He said he has had a “problem”
since we’ve been broken up while performing, so apparently his heart isn’t the
only thing that missed me. Last night we
pretty much came to the conclusion that we still want to be together, but to do
that we both have to be very devoted because we will have to sneak around, and
we may not be able to be together or have quality time with each other, but
like maybe once a month. I told him that
now that I have lost him, and I realized just how important he is to me none of
that seems as important anymore, and I don’t care as long as I’m with him. We aren’t like going out, but our hearts do
belong to each other. He said the
relationship he has now is a rebound and just with her for Leah. That was just one of those conversations I
wish I could record and replay it in my mind whenever I need to. He said he can’t be with me, without my
help. I was like, “Well, duh!” I told him all the things I told while we
were together still hold true, and I’d still do anything for him. The last thing he said to me last night was I
love you too. It really sucked because
we were talking online in a private chatroom so I couldn’t hear him say the
words although I wanted to so bad. So
there are plans for us to get back together within the near future. Only this time I am so insecure, not about
his Dad, but more I am terrified he is going to change his mind. I am so afraid he may already have. I know that is just the old me coming in,
always expecting the worst in things. I
keep having all that was said last night repeatedly run through my head. Especially the part when he said he really
wanted to make us work. I asked him if
he would promise he won’t change his mind over night. He said he would and only for me. I told I was so afraid this was a dream and
any moment I am going to wake up because I have wanted this for so long, he
reassured me this was reality. For the
first time since maybe about a week before we broke up I went to sleep with a
smile on my face and not with tears running down it. I really want to write him a note and say, or
just reassure him of my feelings, but I just think it’s better I wait. I am just hoping so bad we talk really really
soon because I really really don’t need to have all this confusion and stress added
to my life, especially when I was just beginning to get over him. I hope so bad this is our second chance, I’ve
been praying for!!