Entry 608

Monday

1-17-00

            I’m sitting here outside under what has become my favorite tree.  This time I brought my Discman so I can listen to my CD or what has become my favorite CD; the new Savage Garden one.  I feel like running to the top of a mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs.  I do still face many problems in my life, and am still trying to heal from my broken heart and get over him, but the formula for that is time and finding someone new.  I don’t know if Sam and I will ever be real friends, but I do know he will always have a place in my heart.  I believe I have finally found my escape.  To think it was in my backyard all along: Music and Nature.  I don’t know there’s just something about sitting here that puts my heart at ease and makes me not only think, but also positive that every thing’s going to be okay, but more importantly that I will get through this.  I eat daily now, although sometimes I forget, so really I think I only eat like 5 days out of the week, and it’s only one meal.  For the first time in like about three months I am satisfied with myself.  I still cry a lot though and have so much pain in me.  Only now I have an escape.  So whenever I feel like I can’t survive I can come here and get my strength and energy back.  I just hope it doesn’t ever stop working because then I will be in even worse condition than I was/am this time.  I still have thoughts of suicide, and do want to die a lot of time when I think of Sam and how he all of a sudden has stopped being there as even a little support and turned into someone who gives me the facts of reality, which tend to only make me feel worse.  Okay, it started raining so I had to come back inside.  Anyways, I don’t really want to go anymore to talking about Sam, because it will put me in another of my many depressing moods, which I really don’t want or need at the moment.  Alright, my favorite song is on.  The one that I wrote in here at the front and finished in the back.  It’s by Savage Garden, and called “Crash and Burn”.  I asked Amy to try and find me a date for this weekend and we’ll go do something with her and Ray.  My nose is running for some reason.  I still have so much crap I have to deal with in my life, especially with my Dad.  There is just so many problems revolving around that, I don’t even want to go into it.  I still need someone to talk to about all the current problems in my life.  But I am not going to search for that person because I have wasted enough time searching and waiting for people.  All I know is I want them to know me, be understanding, trustworthy, and nothing more than a friend.  I have the temptation a lot to call Sam, and say, “Hey guess what….., but I never do.  I figure he’s made it pretty obvious he doesn’t want much to do with me anymore, so what’s the point.  Besides, he seems to be a different person on the phone with me, then he is in person.  In person he doesn’t know me, or care about me, while over the phone he’s so sincere, and talks like he actually means what he says.  Then in person it’s like a word hasn’t passed between us in like forever; as my old saying used to be.  Like I said before thought I will have to have a word with him tomorrow about what he told a certain person.  I don’t wanna lose him from my life, he means a lot to me ya know.  I mean every morning when I wake up I lay in bed and close my eyes and think about all of our memories together.  Then I wonder if he ever thinks about them.  Then the most painful thought is when I wonder if he loves his girlfriend.  Then after that I have to get up and start moving or I will end up wanting to stay in bed all day and wallow in my depression.  I really don’t understand why I am being put through this and I don’t think I ever will.