Entry
607
Sunday
(
For the first time, in a long time,
I feel so alive. I’m bursting full of
life. I’m not really sure where this
sudden burst of energy is coming from, but I do know when I woke up this
morning I felt like a completely different person. I’ve missed a few days, so I guess I must
tell ya what I’ve done over the course of the weekend. Friday I went to the movies and saw, “The
Green Mile” with Helen, Rick, Joey, Max, and Ryan. I got so much inspiration from that movie,
although the ending was so tragic and I cried.
My or one of my new favorite quotes are:
“It happens everyday we kill each other through love.” I totally agree with that I have been
thinking a lot about Sam. I realize I’m
at the point where I don’t really miss him, but I miss having someone
there. Am I still in love with him? Yes, but I know that’s only because I haven’t
found anyone new to invest my feelings in.
I know as soon as I do I will no longer be in love with him. I will always love Sam and care for him
because the huge effect he had on my life is something I can’t forget. I also realize now that I have finally found
the inspiration I’ve needed for so long, I can finally begin the process of
figuring out just who is Liz Petermann.
I don’t mind dating, but as far as having another boyfriend, I don’t
want one right now, but for a different reason than the ones I’ve already
mentioned. My reason is because I want
to be able to be my own person for awhile, not Liz and somebody else, but just
Liz. Anyways, on Saturday or yesterday I
went to eat dinner with Kathy and Keith, then went to their house for awhile,
then Kathy and I went to the movies and saw “The Talented Mr. Ripley” which I
thought was interesting, but didn’t like it that much. I spent the night at their house. Around seven I’m planning to go over to Amy’s
for awhile and do whatever. Right now
I’m just trying to get out of the house as much as possible with everything
that’s going on between my parents and I.
I do still want to talk and be close with Sam, but he seems to want
something different although he swears up and down it’s not true, I know it
is. I’m just not gonna make it my main
concern anymore. I did everything I
could to keep him in my life, but it takes two people not just one, so I’m
giving up. I do need to have a talk with
him though about an email he sent to someone that told this someone about my
Mom’s drug problem, which I really don’t appreciate. Believe me, I will have a few words with him
on Tuesday when we go back to school after our 3 day weekend. I am in the process of trying to get a job at
the Boys and Girls Club, which is like a youth center for younger kids to
go. It’s whole purpose is to basically
keep them off the street, and to especially help those who don’t have very
responsible parents or guardians. I am
just trying to make myself so busy that I really don’t have time to consider or
think about all my problems and Sam. Basically
I’m trying to have many distractions from my personal life. It may not be the best way to deal with
things, but as I’ve said before I have a tendency to run away from my problems,
and this is just one of the ways to do that.
I figure I want to invest the time that I don’t occupy with school with
volunteer and community programs. Plus
this will also help me not feel so alone just because I’m not with Sam
anymore. I’m tired of just sitting
around and crying so I figure the only way I can stop the tears is to do things
where I don’t think about my home life.
I found myself keeping a distance between my friends and I since I was
blocking them out. I guess I didn’t mean
to intentionally, I just never realized I was doing it until now. One thing I’m really happy about is my Mom
has decided to let me get my nose pierced under the condition that I sit down
and have a heart to heart talk with her, open up, and not just say things she
wants to hear. I probably will just say
a bunch of bullshit just to satisfy her.
I mean the last person I really want to have an intimate conversation
with is her, just because I have so much anger built up toward her from all the
feelings of betrayal, heartbreak, and very intense hurt and shock she caused
me. There are still so many things I
have to work out in my life, and I know I’m still depressed, the good thing is
at least I’ve realized I many want somebody there, but it isn’t a necessity
anymore.