Entry
606
Thursday
Hey, guess what? Life sucks everything sucks, but that’s
normal for me. I am so sick of people
going around in circles with me. I just
wish everyone would truly be my friend, or leave me alone altogether. This day isn’t all that bad, I guess, but as
always I just want to go home and cry, but that’s besides the point. I feel like such an airheaded idiot. For now on I should just keep my mouth shut because
every time I say something I get made fun of, especially by Sam. I need and want to talk to him about all that
I wrote in that letter, but I get the feeling he doesn’t, which once again
makes my efforts of asking for help pointless.
I guess for now on I should just sit here and keep my mouth shut. I tired hard to change my image of being dumb
and airheaded, but I failed as always. I
just wish Sam would stop making my comments sound idiotic, it makes me feel so
low and he doesn’t even care. No one
seems to be able to see my pain, they just look straight through me with their
perfect little happy lives. At first, I
thought having to bring this to school, so my Mom wouldn’t read it, would be a
bad idea for fear of others getting their hands on this and reading it, now
personally I could care less because no one seems to really care in the first
place. I will probably spend lunch in
the bathroom once again today. I don’t
know why I do this to myself, why I let everything eat me up, but I am too weak
to bother to do anything about it.
Someone asked me earlier why I don’t ever talk to anyone much
anymore. I told her because no one seems
to be willing to listen, and she got mad and walked off. I guess that just proves it even more. I need all these things in my life right now,
but no seems to care enough to provide them for me. I asked my Mom to at least think about
letting me get my nose pierced and she said she would. I’m thinking I’ll talk to her more about it
today and ask her if I can at least leave it in for a week to see how it looks
and give her a chance to get used to it and if after a week she still doesn’t
like it, I will take the stud out, and let the hole close up. I am dying to tell someone about my spending
lunch in the bathroom, and my sudden urge to get my nose pierced, but why
bother when all they will do is, nod their head and make some remark and walk
off. I feel like I am aching so badly to
escape all the time, but there’s nowhere to run. Only to make matters worse I have no one to
share my feeling with, to open up and say, “Hey look at me, I am dying inside,
please help me!!” No one answers my
calls, then again I guess I never expected them to, just had more useless hope
that they might. I am so tired of being
judged and put under categories. Sam
told me to forget what others think, but how can I when he’s one of the ones
who think I’m a dumb, airheaded blonde.
I know in a way I wish I could just leave and forget everything that has
caused me to suffer this huge amount of pain, but if I did I would lose a lot… I don’t know it’s hard to explain, I feel
sick, and tired, but I can’t go home because I won’t allow myself to fall
behind. I am trying to find several
distractions from thinking about my home life and Sam, but it is a lot easier
said than done. My God, I hate myself
more than ever right now. I am letting
people still walk all over me and every time I try to stop it, it seems like I
am being a bitch and people start to hate me.
I have decided I am going to have another attempt at learning how to
play the guitar. I am going to ask my
friend Phil if he will help me out. I
don’t know what I want out of life anymore.
I really need someone to help me figure that out. I feel like crying, but I am holding back
because too many people are around. I
guarantee this is going to be one of these days that as soon as I get home I
will fall on my bed, bury my head in my pillow and cry and then start crying
even more because no one’s there to comfort me causing me to feel lonely and
worthless. I do feel worthless. I feel like I am invisible to everyone. I have been doing so much deep thinking
lately in order to find inspiration, and explore who I am, but every time I
come to school all these new discoveries about myself and life seem to go right
down the tube because everyone still sees me as the
same person, which falls under the categories of dumb, airheaded, and
childlike. I am trying to show I have
changed and matured dramatically, trying over and over, finally I gave up. I will probably always be known as that
person, so what’s the point? I wish
someone will reach out a hand or provide a shoulder to cry on, as I have
mentioned numerous times before. For a
long while I figured that person would always be Sam, but once we broke up that
disappeared. Then I thought maybe it
would be my sister, but I guess not, then Amy, but she doesn’t understand any
of what I tell her, then Helen, but her views are complete opposite of mine and
she is too busy. I still can’t find an
escape, I am so lost, and personally all I want to do is die right about
now. My world and life is in ruins. I wanted and tried to fix it, but in order to
do that I had to have others encourage me, and no one did. I am trapped in this circle of harsh reality,
pain, heartbreak, and tears. I am so mad
at myself for succumbing to my emotions and not being strong enough to ignore
them. I feel like I need to go outside and run, exercise that way I will be too
exhausted to feel all the pain I have locked up in me. I have discovered if I sit and shut up then I
don’t exist, that’s a lot better than being acknowledged and insulted for what
you say and think. I am so tired of this
pointless life. I am confused as to who
these people are around who have known me for a few years and claim they are my
friends when they have no idea about what I’m going through and how I have let
myself fall apart and by the time I realized how severe it had gotten I ran out
of time to repair the damage. I believed
for so long that true love never dies, but what has happened between Sam and I
contradicts that making once again one of my beliefs worthless. I hate living my life with the it is going,
always heading for the worst, and the more I get my hopes up, the worse it
gets. I have lost my hope and smile, the
fire in me has vanished and now for anyone to help me would be too late. I feel like I have always been trying to live
up to others expectations, and never mine.
I seem to recall millions of times I am supposed to do this or that, at
the time I thought it was what I wanted also, but now I know I never wanted any
of that, I did it for others’ benefit, to make them happy. I remember Sam getting frustrated with me
while we were together telling me I am not supposed to do anything unless I
actually have a will or want to. How
unfortunate that I never really understood what he meant until now. The really bad part is, I can’t even tell him
I finally get it now, although I really wish to. I don’t know, for some reason I get the impression
that although he told me he would be there as a bit of support, which he has
probably said out of kindness, that he’s not really willing to listen. I become more frustrated with myself because
I get the impression I am seen more annoying and childish each day, when I am
trying to stray away from that, trying my best actually. I have a feeling I won’t be able to get
through today. I need to get out of
here, just go for walk or something.
Only thing is, I want someone to come with me, so I can talk with
them. I really just want someone who I
can say things just as they come in my mind, I thought I could do that with
Sam, but he rarely talks to me seriously unless he’s….I don’t know
nevermind. I think the night before last
I had a dream. I was laying in bed
asleep in the dream, and I opened my eyes and there was this thing or image,
figure whatever standing with it’s back toward me and it had a hump in it’s
back; then it turned around and for some reason I became terrified when it
started to come toward me and it reaches for me and then I woke up in a sweat
scared to death. I still have the image
of that figure in my mind, and now when I look at it, it looks quite similar to
the grim reaper. Is that crazy? I don’t know what to interpret this dream
as. I have no idea what I am looking for
in life. I keep telling myself I am only
15 why should I have to deal with all these problems and alone at that. I got to find a way to get a lot of this off
my chest and to someone I trust who will really listen and understand, and be
honestly sympathetic, not just doing it all out of kindness and
friendship. Why does it seem like the
world has turned it’s back on me? Am I
crazy? I need to run to somebody for
help, but that only works if there is actually someone to run to. I need to be able to breathe again, feel the
fresh air in me, but all of my air seems to be stale. It seems as if there’s this wall between me
and the rest of the world. I keep trying
to break out like I’m banging and screaming, but no one on the outside sees or
hears me. Therefore making me feel
trapped and now more alone than ever. I
don’t know about anything anymore. I’m
pissed off because both my parents just got done smoking some “stuff”. My Mom said she was going to a counseling
session tomorrow. Yet what about my
Dad? Besides, I don’t even like my Dad
anymore with the way he’s been treating me.
I don’t get it, any of it. I
guess I am of no use to anyone. Right
now I have the urge to end it, leave this world behind, but something is
keeping me here and I have no idea what.
I want to be able to cut off everything I feel, and ignore everything
that bothers me. Only I can’t, I’m
thinking I need to get outta here for awhile, and I am starting to consider
crashing at my sisters for a few days.
Since Keith works at night it wouldn’t be that much of a bother. One thing that I’m wondering about is if
Sam’s talked to her lately. Only because
she sent me an email saying something like don’t ever think you’re a burden for
me. The only person I’ve told that I
feel like that about my sister sometimes is Sam. I dunno I’ll hafta ask him tomorrow, that is,
if he chooses to acknowledge my presence.
I wanted to talk to him, after school today, but I got held up from
talking to Phil, so I didn’t get a chance.
Phil agreed to help me out with playing the guitar. It is just one more way in life to keep me
from thinking about all my problems and my broken heart. I am hoping that I will have enough courage
to talk to Sam about some things I really need to get off my chest. I am so ready to bust open. Everything seemed to hit me at once and I
figured after awhile it would go away, but it’s still here and stronger than
ever. I’m so afraid because I’m more
clueless about myself than anyone else.