Entry
605
Wednesday
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I am so mad right now. I want to get my ears and nose pierced. My Mom doesn’t have a problem with the ears,
but she claims that getting my nose pierced is distasteful and ugly. I can’t believe her. All my life one of the very very few things
that I have and still believe in is being able to express yourself and explore
your individuality any way you like. Not
only that, but it’s also a human right and of all people my Mom is taking that
away from me. I am in the process of
trying to figure out who I am, I’m not saying that having a pierced nose will
help the process, but it will at least somewhat help me from ideas of what I or
who I want to be. I need inspiration so
desperately, I have been trying to search for it, but I can never find it. I need some other purpose in my life other
than keeping my grades up, covering up my secrets, and sitting under a tree
writing down my thoughts. I need some
distractions from my daily routine, I guess that’s another reason why I want my
nose pierced, it’s something new and different for me. I hate living this way. You know, for the past three days I have
spent lunch in a bathroom stall, and who has noticed or bothered to ask where
I’ve been? No one. For whatever reason I’m not surprised at
all. I hate my lunch because none of my
friends are in there and as for as Sam being in there he wouldn’t notice if I
were to drop off the face of the Earth because he’s too busy trying to fit in with
Joe and them and flirting with Leann. I
guess that’s the main reason I don’t spend lunch in the cafeteria because of
him and Leann’s flirting. I still wish
we could go back out and I realized today that I still love him,
unfortunately. If we ever did actually
get a second chance I’m not sure I would take it. I mean I would much rather date him than
automatically picking right back up on the relationship. I really need to get over him, but my heart
just won’t let go. I feel like I have
been replaced by his girlfriend. I know
that sounds really mean, but it’s true.
It’s like it’s no big deal to him, he just went off and got the first
offer that came along and replaced me, just like that. I know that’s not true, but it’s still the
way I feel. I don’t know what to do, I
still have so much pain inside me about all of this, about everything. I know I shouldn’t expect much from life
anymore, but I still do. I want to be
loved, to be in love, feel me, my heart smile, to be happy, but I feel like
none of that will happen for me ever again.
I don’t know how to get any of this out or how to deal with any of this
anymore. I wrote Sam a letter last
night, it said a lot of what I have mentioned in here. I guess I kind of regret it now though,
because he never made any response back to it and I doubt he will. I don’t know….I get the feeling that pretty
soon we won’t even acknowledge each other anymore. I can feel us drifting apart now. Pretty soon he will more than likely become
just another memory, like so many others in my life. Although it hurts so much to think about
that, and it literally terrifies me when I think about him not being in my life
there’s nothing I can really do about it.
In the beginning I tried so hard to keep us friends, it was like my main
goal each day, but now it seems as if I was just delaying the inevitable. I really don’t want to lose him from my life,
I can’t lose him, but it’s already happening and I can’t seem to stop it. I am sitting here and I have nothing more to
cry on than my pillow. If I can have
nobody to lean on, and I can’t even express myself the way I like because of my
Mom, then I have to get out of here. I
really need somebody to hold me right now, and just let me cry. I don’t understand this, I don’t understand
myself. I can’t live like this nor can I
put up with this anymore. It gets harder
each day I am alone. I need to find a
way out, out of this place, life, depression, whichever or all three. Lately God has been on my side and has
answered a lot of my prayers, only not the ones I really need. Sitting here outside feeling it getting
colder reminds me of one night long ago, when I practically freezed. I did that because I got bored with life and
wanted some excitement and I guess I got it.
People have stopped teasing me about it.
Now things are becoming too hard and too much to handle. I am freezing and shivering, but yet I
continue to sit here and write. I ask
God to take my pain and tears away. I
ask him to send me someone to help me get through it, does he do it?? No. I feel like the world has let me down these
past couple months. I still think about
the last time Sam and I were together, I think about it all the time. My heart had for once reached it’s content
and was so full of love for him. I miss
feeling that way. I see people walking
down the halls at school holding hands and hugging each other and I have to
look away because my eyes will well up with tears if I don’t. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all, none of
this pain that I feel. It seems like I
am the only person that’s like this. I
have let so many things effect me so long that they have begun to or actually
already have torn me up beyond repair. I
ate something today. First thing I’ve
eaten in a week. All the things my
parents think I’ve been eating I’ve fed to the dog. Now I feel like I should go make myself throw
up or something. You know what’s bad is
that I actually kind of want to. My hands
are cold, my whole body’s cold. I feel
numb, I feel numb to the world. This is
one of those times when I wish I was sitting on top of a mountain and looking
down at the beautiful valley below me, or sitting on the beach watching the
sunset, while listening to the crashing of the waves. Only the sad part is, I would be looking at
it alone, just as I am facing the world alone and I don’t think I can do
it. I have this odd urge to camp out
here all night knowing full and well I’d freeze my butt off, but that doesn’t
seem to bother me right now. I wonder if
anyone has called, believe it or not I was actually hoping Sam might after
reading my letter, but I sincerely doubt it, that’s just more of my pointless
hoping and wishful thinking. I will
probably have a cold tomorrow I guess I will just have to deal with it. I kind of like being out here though. Only I should of brought a flashlight so I
can continue writing once it gets dark.
Someone’s in my room, I just saw a light come on in there, probably my
Dad or something. I am still upset and
confused. I am so puzzled about what to
do anymore. I know of someone I can hook
up with (not like that) who will give me somewhat of what I am looking
for. Only problem is, I don’t really
talk to him that much, but he’s alright.