Entry
604
Tuesday
Most of the time I long for the days
when I could simply put on a smiley face and everything seemed perfect. Then again probably then things weren’t quite
that simple, but that’s at least how I would like to remember it. Somehow people got to know me and for them my
facial expressions became very easy for them to interpret. I have found that I like to write down every
thing I am thinking, right then and there.
I don’t really know why. I guess
because later when I go back and look over the course of the day it helps me to
figure things out. Especially since they
all seem to be mixed up and half the time I am not even sure what is what
anymore. My home life and relationship
with my parents is so beyond repairs it’s not even funny. My life at school is the only thing I have as
a distraction from my personal problems, but then it also adds a whole other
bundle of stress, and problems. At
school I hate all my classes because they are too small and a lot of people
don’t even notice me, but most of all I hate lunch as for reasons I have
already mentioned. I wish I could find
somewhere to spend most of the time, so I don’t have to deal with my parents
anger or more like, I wish I could find a home away from home, but I don’t have
any close ties like that with anyone, so that’s just me waiting around for
something that won’t happen. Sam told me
last night I need to form close relations like that with people, but that’s
easier said than done. Not including the
fact that majority of “my close friends” don’t even know about my biggest
problems and if they did they’d probably run off scared. Besides most of my friends probably wouldn’t
be willing to do that in the first place, so I should not even give it a
try. I know Sam was only trying to help
me out when providing me with that suggestion, but in turn it only made me feel
worse only because it showed me even more how alone I am. I hate sitting around feeling sorry for
myself, especially with everything else I have that needs to be done, mainly
school stuff. I sit there in school and
I look around the room at all the different people and I wonder if their
problems are as bad as mine. Most of
them would more than likely shun me if they knew all that was going on in my
life right now. Like this is one of
those times when I really need someone.