Journal Four
Entry 603
Monday (
I have so many things in my mind
that I’m not able to get out or express, and here lately it really seems to be
holding me back. Right when I thought
things were actually starting to improve and I had decided that I was going to
give life a second chance, they only went down the tubes again. Or more like my life did. In turn makes me come to the conclusion that
things will probably never get better.
Sam called me earlier and swore up and down they would, but it is so
hard to put my belief in that. Shoot,
half the things I have believed in I am slowly beginning to lose faith and
question why I even bother in the first place.
Especially considering that majority of the things I have been so
strongly opinionated about and stood by 100% within the past few years has
suddenly become pointless just because nothing seems to be getting done or
being accomplished by any of it. I mean
what’s the point in sitting there and spending like an hour arguing over something
when the result is just 2 people either being majorly pissed off at each other
or simply agreeing to disagree? Yet it
doesn’t even begin to change anything about that issue in the “real world”. Having opinions have just somehow become
utterly useless to me now. Most of the
real issues that are of major concern have already been dealt with in the past
and are long gone. Referring to African
American rights, Women’s Rights, Freedom of Speech……and etc. That was all settled back in the 60s and 70s
and I so wish I was born or living as a teenager during that age, or time
period because it would be so perfect for me.
If anything else it would actually give me something to fight for,
making me have more of a purpose to live life.
I’m glad Sam called me today.
Used to be after we got off the phone since we’ve broken up I would be
crying my eyes out and wanting to beat the wall, or I’d be smiling from ear to
ear. Now my emotions and life have
become so empty that somewhere along the line I just began to stop caring and
messing around with it. I guess that is
just part of the process of falling out of love. Once again something I once believed wasn’t
possible (falling out of love), actually something I strongly believed about
being the huge romantic that I am. Also
once again it’s just another belief shattered before me on the floor, just as
most of my life is becoming. I did spend
lunch in the bathroom today and will more than likely do the same tomorrow and
the day after etc… Nobody even noticed
today, or if they did they didn’t bother to ask. I know Sam had the opportunity to ask where I
was. So I simply come to the conclusion
that I apparently wasn’t missed. Believe
it or not spending lunch in the bathroom is a lot better than hearing your ex
boyfriend (Sam) flirt with another girl, and speak of his new girlfriend, the
consequence being, me feeling sick, maybe a little out of jealousy and envy,
but mostly because it just hurts and I still care for him in that way. I think there will always be a part of me
that cares for him that way. He was my
first true love and people say you never fall completely out of love with your
first true love and I am slowly beginning to believe that, but then again it
will probably end up coming back and slapping me in the face. At first I thought it was me wanting to have
someone there, wanting for them to help me form an escape, wanting for them to
listen, really listen, not just sit there and nod, but actually get the concept
of what I am saying, but I now have come to realize that these are no longer
things that I want, but that I need. It
has now become a necessity for me and is literally crucial to my survival,
especially with the many directions my life is taking right now. I need somebody to walk me through and
literally hold my hand and guide or at least help guide me through this. I see that I am at the point where I CAN’T do this on my own anymore, and if
I am going to survive and pull through this I HAVE TO HAVE someone by my side (just as a friend) no ifs or maybes
anymore. I have also come to the
realization that until I get past this tumultuous time in life and get off this
emotional rollercoaster I will not be able to have a relationship and get
emotionally involved. I say this because
it may end up being based on false emotions because I don’t even know how I
feel about things that I have never changed my outlook on before, so therefore
how am I supposed to be stable enough to judge how I feel about another person,
for all I know it could be just caused from vulnerability. Yes I must admit I do have interests in two
people right now. Max who I am not
interested in actually pursuing a relationship with because more than likely it
won’t work out. Basically it is just a
school girl crush, besides I am pretty sure it is just caused from so many
people saying we are going to hook up, he’s too bossy anyways. The other one is Dean, who I do talk to a
lot, but I don’t really know much about other than he’s single. I think my liking him is more or less based
on looks, and I am also pretty positive he has his eye on someone else
anyways. So that’s just more like a lost
cause. Another thing is I am not quite
ready to let someone new in and share my secrets and heart with them because
last time I did that I got hurt really bad and am still hurting over it. He said he didn’t (pertaining to Sam) mean to
act like he was ignoring me at school in the halls, and during class, but that
it was just awkward for him. I told him
I never got the impression he was ignoring me, I was so lying, I actually
shedded tears over the fact that I thought I suddenly didn’t exist in his eyes
anymore. I guess that was just more of
my over-reacting. The thing I don’t
understand is why it is awkward for him, but not for me at all. Personally I enjoy talking to him still
because it at least makes me feel like I do still play a role in his life. One thing I find odd is a lot of my friends
that I thought he has become friends with while we were together and who he
talked to a lot, now he hardly acknowledges, like Helen, just throwing in an
example. I mean while we were going out,
Sam would talk to Helen like a lot of the time I assumed he had become good
friends with her, but now that we are apart Sam hardly says a word to her. The funny thing though, is a lot of his
friends I actually am closer to now that we aren’t together and most of them
are guys. It’s really kind of odd
considering I talk to Jack like all the time now. Jack, someone who I once strongly disliked,
made fun of me all the time, and who at one time was a strong factor in me and
Sam breaking up or mainly just him breaking up with me. Then again that is the past and he’s pretty
cool now. I just find it ironic that
many of my friends he doesn’t even know anymore, and I still talk to his. It isn’t a big deal or a concern of mine,
just a little fact I figured I would mention.
I know I need to go to sleep, but I can’t, I don’t really feel tired. Last night I stayed up until