Entry 658
Okay last night I
insulted Barry very badly and I feel horrible.
I didn’t mean too, but he wanted me to continue a thought so I did, and
as it turns out it pissed him off and made me feel like shit and personally I
still do. While I was writing up on the
roof last night he came up there, we didn’t talk at first, but then I started
to joke around with him. So we talked
for like an hour, while I took a break from writing. Eventually we got on the ever so popular
topic of religion at least that’s how it seems to be on this trip. Barry started to say he felt he was called to
be in the ministry, so I simply rolled my eyes and told him that term seemed
quite unprolific as in like just somewhat an excuse…or something of that
sort. By telling him that I pissed him
off beyond belief, so badly that today we have not said a word to each other
except when I said, “You know we need to talk right?”, and his response, “Yeh,”
then he walked off. I am a very sensitive
and worrisome person and that kills me in times like these. This morning when we went to the Vatacan and St. Peter’s cathedral, not a glance each
other’s way was received. When we went
to see the Colusseum, nothing, he wasn’t even with us
when we went to the catacombs, ‘cause him and Julie went to mass, and I haven’t
seen him since, I don’t plan to go to dinner, but he knows where I’ll be
waiting for him to come and talk; on the roof.
My quiet spot, where I want to go right now, but can’t because the door
to get to the stairs to get up there is locked, hopefully by then it won’t
be! I know he can’t let our new founded
friendship go to waste after all the things I’ve told him, and vice versa. I mean last night he revealed to me his
entire story about his first love, as did I and all the crap that went on
afterwards including the physical aspects.
I like him so much (friend-wise; figured it out last night) and now
after we’ve gotten to know each other on a more personal level, he hates me. He was the first person out of this entire
group to start talking to me, he was the first person here that actually made
me feel like I belong, sat with me on the bus, the first one here who I shared
an in-depth getting to know each other conversation and it kills me that if I
had just watched my actions once again I would not have dug a hole so freaking
deep. At this moment I would give
anything in the world to go home. I
seriously am ready. No this wasn’t a
mistake and I have seriously enjoyed majority of my time here. Some people such as Belle, Ashley, and a
couple others have even expressed how much they respect me for coming here
without knowing any of the people except from way back in the day. Truth is, I’m tired of this pressure, I’m
tired of not being able to be a smartass, but very contemplative, and serious
self at times. If I come off as
withdrawn, when I really just want time to think, and be alone, I come off as
having problems and not being nice. I
miss Kasey, I wish I could just joke around with him for like five
minutes. I with I could talk to Amy and
just cry my eyes out to her, and then have her crack me up, I wish I could hear
Stephanie make fun of all of them to help me feel better. Finally I am in a place where I can escape
all the noise, all the people around me; I am up on the roof where there is
absolutely no one to disturb my most personal thoughts. I just need and want someone to talk to, a
best friend with a shoulder to cry on would be absolutely terrific at the
moment. I plan to write for a long time
tonight still because I just am in that mood where my stream of consciousness
is in the act. I play to stay up here
for awhile just to think. One thing I
have noticed about our group of girls is somehow we segregated ourselves into
two separate groups. Julie, Belle, Ashley,
and I are one, and then Heather, Lora, Clarissa, and Leslie are the other. I am not sure why it happened, but it did,
and now all I want to do is jump off this stupid building, fly as far away from
here as capable and land on my bed in my room, in my house with Tizzy laying
next to me. Now because of this whole
experience I am so thankful I never went to LaGrange and ended up at Callaway
instead because I could never have dealt with the second half of those girls
five days out of the week with me feeling like they look down on me as if I am
totally inferior. Tonight I decided not
to go to dinner, I wanted to be alone that badly. It’s obvious Barry doesn’t want to be around
me at all, because when him and Mr. Cone were in the lobby talking I went over
there and told Mr. Cone I didn’t want to go to dinner and a few seconds after Barry
got up to leave I didn’t take the elevator though, just to satisfy him since he
was. I took the stairs. God I can’t stand him hating me like this,
I’m so sorry. He was the one that
provoked me into saying it because I told him I did not even want to get into
it because it would just spark up another argument. But he persisted so I did and now he hates
me, all because I, the idiot had to open my damn mouth. I am so stupid. I wish I could talk to Kasey he always is a
good person to talk to about anything because even when he gets offended he
doesn’t totally get pissed off and blow up, he still tries to relate to the
other person in a rational, and calm matter.
Do I love Kasey? I don’t know, I
would like to think I do, but I am still not sure, and if you love someone you
know it. Helen would totally put things
in perspective for me at the moment. I
guess it’s kind of crazy to think I could go on like this trip for three weeks
without becoming depressed or lonely. My
world of reality is such a horrid picture at the moment that once I step off
this roof and set the pen down I Will have to return, so I feel the need to
write and never stop, because I don’t want to ever return to that reality; I’m
just not ready just yet. At least I have
something to brag about what I did this summer.
I’m having more trouble coping with the fact that I’ll be a Senior,
there’s no one left to look up to, no to try and impress in the hallways
because they’re older. It’s not so much
the being on my own part I’m worried about anymore because I basically started
doing that when I was in eighty grade at the age of fourteen where I was
supposed to be carefree and happy going, but was far from anywhere near
that. The fact is, I am who I am; every
experience I go through just makes me more knowledgeable, and stronger. I am not an innocent who hasn’t faced the
horrors of the world, unfortunately I had to at an age way before my time. But I am not the only one in the world who
has problems. I am not the only one who
is having a struggle through my spiritual wake, this whole trip I feel like I
have been forced to defend myself beyond belief, with no one on my side, so
obviously there’s no hope in argument with these people when it’s basically
just me against all of them. Why the
hell do I have to defend who I am and what I believe so damn much, can’t they
just accept that that is the way I am. I
don’t want to have to conform what I believe just to fit into a certain
religion. In my eyes God would not want
me to give up certain things I believe so strongly just to become a bible
bearing Baptist, or other things of that sort.
I’m sick of all of this and I feel I can’t handle it, I want to scream at
the top of my lungs. I am the outsider
of this group, I thought I could be accepted, but that was just an illusion
created by my subconscious to make me think that. They’re all being nice to me just because
they feel they have too. They don’t
really like me, hell Barry hates me now and they never will. Yeh there might be an exchange of telephone
numbers with a few, but it won’t develop any farther than a couple of phone
calls. How can something feel like the
best experience of your life, but at the same time the worst; because that is
what I feel this whole trip has been. I
can’t figure out how to call my house which is more frustrating than ever. As much as I am angry at my Mom and Dad they
are still my parents and they are the only ones I have and uch
more they are my only link to home. I am
so exhausted but I can’t stop writing because I have all of these overwhelming
emotions I’ve kept to myself this whole trip and I will explode if I don’t open
the gate and release them. The sunset is
beautiful right now, I wish I could sit up in the clouds and disappear, but I
guess sitting on the roof of a seven story building will have to do for
now. I really really
hope our next hotel rooms are just doubles.
I really really hope Barry comes up here to
talk to me tonight because the guilt of how much he despises me now because of
what I said kills me. I can’t help that
that is what I think but it is, I’m not sorry that it is my opinion, much less
for saying it because he is the one that asked me to, I am sorry for pissing
him off and losing one of the only real true friends I possibly had found on
this trip. Belle and him are probably
the only two I feel really connected to, so I almost feel a need to maintain
the same relationship, but it’s impossible to tell what will happen until or if
I even talk to him tonight, upon which I pray to God I will! Soon I will be home laying in my bed not
having to deal with any of these people again, so I shouldn’t have to let it
get to me, right? Then why in the hell
am I? This is what happens when I put my
trust in someone too quickly I should have known better than to get attached to
anyone on this trip, much less tell them my most intimate secret of all, or
even bother to show them some of my poetry, knowing the one I showed him was
pretty bad and all my best ones are at home, hello, what the hell was I
thinking?? How could I have told three
people about my parents; how stupid can I get??
I can’t believe I did that, I don’t even know these people…obviously one
of them fucking hates me now. They were
probably just pulling my leg; just acting like they care so they can get the
scoop! I’m such a dumbass. Barry was probably just looking for something
to get mad at me about, so he would have an excuse not to be around me anymore
because of my parents problem! Wait…what am I saying? Barry’s not like that and deep down ya know know it; I am just writing ridiculous things right, to help
me feel better about this entire situation.
Unfortunately in reality it is nowhere near working and I still feel like the lowest scum
of the Earth for whatever reason. That
just really pisses me off, I’m in fucking Italy, a once in a lifetime
opportunity for me since I’m not loaded with money and all I can do is sit on
top of a hotel roof and write about my sorry life and wallow in self pity! It’s just stupid of me! I’m tired as well, so that may have a bit
more to do with my mood as well! I’m
wondering if I should write Barry a letter.
I dunno…he will probably come up here to talk when he gets back, but I
must try not to get my hopes up because that is never a good thing. Just as I have almost come to the conclusion
it is not a good thing to put your faith and trust in someone. I just seem to know from too many experiences
that the result seems to never be positive.
Oh my God, that food being cooked down there smells so good, and I am
famished, but I really need this time alone full of peace so sacrificing a meal
is worth it I guess. I probably won’t
eat all day tomorrow either just because of money except dinner, which is
always free.
Entry 659
Okay all day
yesterday we rode on the bus from
Entry 660
I am so ready
to go home. I am really just at the
point where I honestly don’t care. I’ve
been true to no one while here, much less myself! I miss my long hair so bad, and it will take
forever to grow out. Belle is beginning
to get on my nerves, as well as Barry. Julie,
Lora, and Ashley are the only ones who I am even remotely fond of. What the hell was I thinking?? God I seem to have absolutely no common
sense. I wish I had talked to my sister
more, so I could have gotten some advice from her. Belle told me last night I needed to decide
if I want to be a sensitive little girl, or a bad ass. I told her I shouldn’t have to be one or the
other, I just want to be me. I’m not here
to live up to anyone’s expectations and never will be. I make my own decisions sometimes not based
on the best judgement such as my hair, but I my eyes
it’s all for a reason. I just want to go
home get away from all these people who I can’t be myself around, get away from
all the religious controversy, call Kasey and talk to him for as long as
possible, go see Stephanie, make fun of her Dad, laugh my ass off, fight with
T.J, talk to Helen about sex, and all the guys she’s met and she how her and
Brandon are doing if they are still together.
My Mom told me a few nights ago she got a letter from
Entry 661
Tomorrow we go
home, and I am so psyched. I want to go
home, I want to go home, oh by the way did I mention I want to go home!! I don’t give a shit about these people
anymore! I am so ready to get out of
here. This hotel like totally sucks ass! I hate this, I hate everything, this is
ridiculous. We’re supposed to go to
another bar place tonight, but I am so not going. It’s so fucking hot too. I can’t deal with this. Yesterday we saw
Entry 662
I hate this shit,
I can’t get comfortable to save my life, but at least I am on my way home. I can’t wait to see Kasey. I am just going to surprise him and Stephanie,
I am planning on just showing up or at least riding by Winn-Dixie to see if I
see their cars.
Entry 663
Well all those
new “friends” that I made while in Europe, um well, let’s just say that once I
got off the plane exchanged a few numbers and a quick goodbye, I haven’t talked
to them since. I called Barry once, and
other than a five minute conversation that’s all it’s been. So it’s all bullshit, all those people were,
even Barry, except Thomas and Jeremy.
They are both genuinely nice and I really wish I had invested more time
in them than I did any of the rest of those two-faced bitches. I swore I was making real bonds at the time,
but now I realize it was just a “ for the time-being” type thing. I am just realizing more and more how
gullible I still am, even though I seriously believed I had changed and was no
longer like that. I am just more mad at
myself for putting so much trust in those people and now not even talking to them. I feel like an idiot. I tried so hard to keep the images and
memories in my head, but I don’t really remember that much at all and I am so
confused about what all I did. I can
barely remember all the different places we went to see. I am grateful I wrote it all down so I can
use that as references. I can’t believe
I even began to like Barry, the pathetic part is I still somewhat do. Yet I like Kasey sooo much! We went up to