Entry 646
6-3-01
Okay well a
couple of weeks ago; like the week before school ended I was over at Kasey’s
and I had previously told him I had something I wanted to tell him. Which was how I was falling for him. So while I was over at his house he became
very persistent in wanting to know what it was and I knew he was not going to
give up until I told him. So in order to
get on the subject I asked him, what was his situation on “us”. He responded with, “Although I’ve tried I am
just not feeling a ‘click’ between us.”
He said he thought maybe by taking a step back he was trying to see if
something would form, but nothing ever really did. He said he hates to hurt people and he had
been meaning to tell me this for awhile before he dug a hole too deep; meaning
before I started to care for him too much.
Then he asked if I hated him for this and I said no if I hated you; then
he finished my sentence by saying I wouldn’t be there. I said, “Yeh, exactly!” So I stayed there for a few more minutes then
left. He made sure to tell me he still
wanted to be friend and hang out and stuff.
So I left without really saying bye, just kind of waved from my
car. Usually we hug and kiss each other
before we “part” I guess. So since then
I talked to him a few times. Some while
he was at work then I talked to him for about an hour on the phone. Then last Monday my dog George died and Kasey
really did like him, but I absolutely loved him! George was sick all day Sunday and Mom said
if he wasn’t better by tomorrow we would take him to the vet. Well, unfortunately the next day, was one day
too late, George died and it was all my fault!
He died all alone and I can’t help but wonder if he died knowing how
much I love him, God, I hope he knew. I
have this huge amount of guilt laid upon my shoulders from George’s death or at
least I did. So I talked to Kasey Monday
night maybe for 30-45 minutes. Then
Friday night I went out with Helen and Joey we went to the coffee shop then the
mall at the mall we saw quite a few people there that we knew. For the first time I saw Mandy, Sam’s current
or ex-girlfriend…I dunno what she is. I
was told they may have broken up.
Anyway, she was actually quite pretty.
So after we got done at the mall we stood outside in the parking lot and
talked, joked around whatever for like an hour.
Then around 10 I came home and I brought in one of the kittens and my
Dad basically starts screaming at me to put it out and I just home to wait
until I put the rest of my stuff down.
Well, it escalated and he basically pushed me out the door, so I got in
my car and left. The only place I could
think of to go to was the lake, where I went with Kasey and his friends
before. I just sat on my car and looked
at the stars for a little while. I
called Amy and talked to her and she convinced me to call Kasey and get him to
join me. So I did luckily this was the
weekend he was at his Dad’s because if he was at home he probably would not
have wanted to drive that far. His Dad’s
is a bit closer to the lake, so he come out there and laid on the hood of my
car with me. We just talked for awhile
and I made a few smart ass remarks then began to tickle and well someone or
another his arm ended up around me and we were holding hands. We just sat there and talked for nearly three
hours straight about everything. It was
just real comforting just laying there and talking without the fear of being
judged. I drove away with a tremendous
smile on my face. When we were about to
leave I wasn’t planning on giving him a hug or anything just say, “Bye,”
because after all we are just supposed to be “friends” right? Well, instead he hugged me….now I dunno what
to think….! I still like him so much and
am still falling for him. I haven’t
called him since then again it’s only been two days. I really don’t wanna call him for awhile
because I can’t move too fast because I believe that is part of what makes him
want to slow down. Now I’m stuck and
highly confused! I mean Kasey isn’t the
type of guy that is affectionate like that to just anyone. I’m not saying that just for my benefit, but
it is the truth Kasey’s just that way. I
don’t know what to think I dunno how to interpret this. Oh but I can’t stop thinking of him since
Friday night. Now I feel like all those
girls in the movies and on T.V. who just sit around; just hoping. Not just being hopeful about him calling, but
more like just that we will work out. To
make it all worse and even more confusing I keep having dreams about Sam. What does he have to with any of my life now? Absolutely nothing! He’s nothing but a damn liar and fucking
manipulator! I have no feelings for him
now, nor will I ever again!
Entry 647
6-12-01
All that I aspire
and hope to be is now only a few steps within my reach. I think about writing every day, but I am
never able to do it unless I am in the right place. Kasey remains on my mind almost too much
these days. This place which I did not
discover until I was with him. I feel
safer here. It sounds crazy out here in
the dark late at night all by myself, but I do.
I do fear things lurking in the shadows, but it is almost as if I know
they can’t hurt me. I talked to Kasey
today, talking to him always puts me in a better mood. I was in the middle of talking about the
Flintstones (the cartoon) for whatever reason and just out of nowhere, Kasey
says something quite similar to, “I wouldn’t mind dating,” and I just was like,
“What?”, in a somewhat shocked tone, and he just brushed it off like, “Nothing
nevermind,”…so I was just like okay. So
now I am wondering did I hear him wrong or what?? My sister and brother-in-law will be here the
day after tomorrow. Stephanie and Helen
are spending the night Friday night and Kathy and Keith will probably go see a
movie with us. Then Saturday I’m thinking
I’ll get Kasey, Kathy, Keith, and if Jody and Alexis can come to go play
pool. Plus it will be my first
non-curfew night out with my sister, which will be pretty interesting. Kind of like a preview of what it will be
like to go clubbing with her. Saturday during the day we’re going
shopping. I wonder what it will be like
when she meets Kasey. I love my sister
to death and just can’t wait to see her.
A couple of weeks after my sister leaves Kasey will be gone for a week
to be a counselor at a camp for kids with cancer because he has cancer; only
right now it is in remission thank god!!
I think the camp is called Camp Heartland; not completely sure though. Then when he comes back a week after I leave
for three weeks to go on my trip to Europe then when I come back there is only one week left and school
starts again. It starts on August 7th,
can you believe it? Then my last year
will go flying by and I’ll be thrown out into the real world, scared as
hell. I can’t believe in about eight
months I’ll be 18 an adult. It makes me
uneasy, yet terribly excited! Yet the
most terrible issue is well….I still have no clue who I am. I have pondered this issue since the
beginning of my high school career and still unfortunately I have not come any
closer to a conclusion. I can’t be
satisfied with the idea that I am just me one individual within the entire
human race. I am much more than a face
in the crowd, but just not exactly sure what all that necessarily is. God I only hope to figure it all out one
day. I just hope things with Kasey and I
work out. I know I have been mentioning
him almost too much, but it’s hard not to when you really care about someone as
I do him.
Entry 648
6-20-01
The more I see
things evolve around me the more I almost feel compelled to escape. I am not necessarily sure what to do about Kasey. I mean I care about him so much, but I just
am not sure if I should continue to attempt to make things work between us or
just give up. I just wish he would be
more expressive about how he feels about me.
What I really wonder is if I will ever get away from here. I got my ears pierced last night and just
about squeezed Stephanie’s hand off.
This girl named Ellen was there and she just started working at
Winn-Dixie with Stephanie, Kasey and all the other people I go up to see every
single day, and she likes Kasey. He
knows it, and he knows her, and has known her for a little while. I’m really hoping Kasey doesn’t have any
feelings for her. I’m also hoping while
I’m gone for nearly three weeks in Europe nothing starts to happen between them. This guy who is a good friend of mine, Jimmie
works up there and somehow he met Ellen and got to know her really well, and
began to like her a whole lot and she just recently told him she only thought
of him as a really good friend. So he
figured out she liked Kasey and basically made her choose, but she really
didn’t. From the impression I got of her
she is really sweet, which I hate because I am supposed to not like her. I do get the feeling that once she got to
know Kasey more she would no longer like him and the same goes for him. I really don’t think Kasey has any intention
of being with her. Another factor, she’s
fifteen, Kasey’s about to turn twenty, when February comes around. So I know age isn’t a big deal when you’re
older, but it is when you are a teenager.
So I really think he will not go out with her because of the age
difference. I’m not saying any of this
to make myself feel better, I’m saying it because this is really what I think
to be true. I don’t believe Kasey
actually likes her because she doesn’t seem like his type. On the off side, I have been sitting at a
coffee shop while writing all of this and I have had this crush on this guy
Jacob Wilson that works here, so for about the past thirty minutes I have been
stealing glances at him, but I don’t think he is that interested. He is here a lot when I come here. I just like it here because it is nice and
quite, and most of all not home. I don’t
even know if I will go home tonight. I
might just go to Winn-Dixie talk to Stephanie for a little while then go out to
the lake, call my Mom and tell her I am crashing at Stephanie’s for the
night. Kathy and Keith came and
went. I absolutely loved seeing
them. I spent most of the time they were
here with them. Kasey’s like me and is
very apprehensive about meeting new people so he never did meet them
unfortunately. Joey and Amy stayed over
until two in the morning one night. Helen
spent the night Friday night after we went to Max’s little get together he
had. Then Saturday night Helen, Joey,
Amy, and I all went to the movies to see “Tomb Raider”. Amy and Joey ended up coming over that
night. Then Sunday night Stephanie spent
the night and we stayed up really late and played cards. Monday night Kathy, Keith, and I all went to
Wal-Mart like at one in the morning.
Before that Helen and I went riding around. Then I went out to the lake again then went
home and ended up going to Wal-Mart. Mom
and Dad are going out of town this weekend to Jacksonville, and Kasey is leaving and will be gone
for a week as well to go be a counselor at camp for kids with cancer. And now I am getting really tired of writing
because Jason and another girl that works here are sitting over at the
couch. So now unfortunately I am
paranoid they are watching me, I just feel like they are, so I believe I shall
make a trip up to Winn-Dixie now, and hopefully Kasey will be there and not up
in the office the whole time.
Entry 649
6-25-01
Kasey is gone he
left two days ago on Saturday. Sam
emailed me sometime last week giving me his new email address, so I emailed him
and basically didn’t apologize for all that I said to him this past year, but
told him we should put it behind us; I said I didn’t miss him, and really
didn’t want him in my life because it will just complicate things. He emailed me back and we just began to
communicate through email. Then my
parents went out of town this weekend to Jacksonville, and Friday I called him and talked to
him for like ten minutes. Then that
night online Kasey and I talked, but we didn’t seem to be getting along very
well. I mean we were talking, but
neither one of us were very responsive.
Then Saturday night Sam and I talked online, and while I knew he was
asking Helen to have casual friendly sex, he claimed he was playing: “Oh I’m
Mr. Honest Christian” with me. Then for
whatever reason he apologized for never giving me an orgasm, and if he had the
chance to remedy that he would, but oh well.
Basically by then Helen and I both knew he was trying to get some. And he eventually gave me three choices;
friends, friends with casual sex, or a relationship, but would be bad for both
of us because he is leaving to go to college in seven weeks. Then he told me not to make my decision that
night but to think on it. I saw then and
there he was the same manipulative lying asshole he always has been. I knew he was out to get some because he’s a
horny little bastard. Yet with him since
I care about him so, it’s hard to say no.
Because then he tells me he could be over at my house in a little while
and he knew my parents were gone because I had told him in an email. But I said before he got offline to come over
that that doesn’t mean anything seriously.
So he came over and we talked at some point he promised he didn’t come
over with a secret motive, he didn’t even bring a condom. So he came over about one maybe, and we
talked about college, friends, movies, music, people we saw on T.V. who looked
hot, “church and his Christian ways” (Bullshit!). Him and Mandy broke up right after school
ended, from he said. Anyway he had at
some point said he had to leave at three ‘cause he had to get up at nine for
church and all. So we fought over the
remote a couple of times, got in a pillow fight, and tickling fight. So somehow I ended up sitting on his lap, but
facing him, and he was talking about college or something and I had laid my
head on his shoulder because I was tired and it was really strange because I
felt nothing for him at all. It was like
he was just a friend. Somehow during the
past my feelings for him disappeared and it just felt so liberating, because it
was like he didn’t have that power over me anymore. I felt like I had to make sure there was
nothing there though, so I figured if I kissed him I would figure it out. It used to be, any touch or cuddling from him
just made me feel so warm, like I was protected from a world of pain like it
was just him and I, and I was all that mattered to him. But Saturday that was the first time we had
been alone since we had last had sex at the very beginning of the school
year. So while he was in midway sentence
I just kissed him, I didn’t think about it, I just did it. You have to understand with Sam I just don’t
care because we’ve done everything involving sex together numerous times, so a
kiss between us is like nothing, especially now since I realized I no longer
have feelings for him. So anyway he
reminded me he didn’t bring anything but we continued and we had just minor items
of clothing in our way and he asked me what we should do and I told him not to
ask me that because I would respond with something against my better judgment. He waited awhile to see if I had anymore to
say and I didn’t so off went the remainder of clothing. I guess I didn’t think he was ever going to
actually do anything because we had no condom, but he did anyway. So well I wanted to stop him and knew I
should, but god I was way too involved in it, but somehow under all the uh…hard
breathing I managed to get out, “Sam, don’t.”
So he told me he’d pull out…yeh he actually used that stupid line, and
continued to say I promise, and trust me and blah blah. Now that I think about it as intellectual as
I am I really should have known better, but I let him continue. Damn though it has never felt that good, I
didn’t get anything out of it though. I
guess the reason was actually enjoyable this time was because I wasn’t so
worried. Then maybe after about ten
minutes into it (not real sure about the time) he uh… “went” then we started
again, but then the no condom thing really got to me, so I stopped him. He asked me if something was wrong and I told
him nothing I was just too worried, he told me he understood, but man I just
wish I had went and bought some condoms when I thought about it. Now I am very sexually frustrated and wish we
could have continued, but to me it was too big of a risk, I would have stopped
it sooner, but just well ya know… Now I
can understand what people mean when they are “caught up in the moment”. Another reason it felt so much better this
time; is I wasn’t really worried about the regrets and how we feel; just more
into it. The funny thing is, you’d think
I’d be ashamed of myself, but I don’t and if given the opportunity I would do
that with him again because this time there are no emotions involved and it
really doesn’t matter to me. Yes, I did
truly love him at one time, last summer I still did, but now I don’t. It feels more self-satisfying than anything
to know that. Sam is a great person to
mess around with because we know what gets the other going. Of course last night online he told me that
it was a one-time thing and he felt guilty about it all in church this morning
and it can’t happen again because he wants to be pure God, and he plans to
eventually date Mandy again in the future and wants to remain pure for her as
well. So in other words he was swimming
around in the bullshit there. What Sam
really meant behind the lies was; I was horny and I was looking for someone to
get some from. So since I finally did
I’m over it. Yet ya see it doesn’t
bother me at all, I mean at first I was more pissed off at myself for doing
that with him, especially since I instigated it knowing he hasn’t changed one
bit, but I got over it. Now I am just
really scared about the possibility of my being pregnant. I asked him before he left if he was
absolutely sure he didn’t go inside me, he was like yeh. I know he pulled out, I am just still really
paranoid, ya know? I came to a decision last
night though. If I am pregnant I will
have an abortion. I can’t afford to have
a baby, especially during my senior year and especially since he is leaving to
go to college. So I decided last night I
will have an abortion out of me knowing it is for the best involving all the
lives it will effect. Now I just have to
sit and wait, it is best to wait for at least two weeks after to take a
pregnancy test. Now I wish I kept up
with when I was supposed to have my period, so I would know when I should have
it next time. I just really don’t want
to go to Europe while worried about this, and I leave in
two weeks, which means I take the test right before I leave.
Entry 650
6-29-01
I can most
certainly say confusion is in the air, but then again when is it not,
especially in my life? I dunno, Kasey
comes back tomorrow; I leave in just about a week. Yet I don’t feel any excitement seeping in at
all. I finally called Sam today after
like about a week. I basically told him
I want to have casual sex with him and it is pretty much up to him because he
was the one who made the decision for us to be just “friends” (cough bullshit
cough cough!). Anyway he claimed he
would email me and let me know something, ‘cause he needed time to “think”
whatever the hell that means. I went to
the movies with Helen tonight we saw “Dr. Dolittle 2”, I also went to see
“Swordfish” Monday night. Both the
movies were pretty good. I saw
“Swordfish” with Amy. I’ve been seeing a
lot of movies lately. I’m awfully tired
though, so I belief I will go to bed now and hopefully get a goodnight’s rest.
Entry 651
7-9-01
While sitting
here at the airport my anticipation only grows.
My Mom already left and although I try so hard not to allow my tears to
show they do anyway. I know a lot
actually majority of these people from elementary school. I feel a bit out of place and really do wish
my Mom had stayed, but my Dad just got out of surgery and she wanted to hurry
up and get back to him. So as I sat here
with really no one to talk to I decided the best way to help the time pass by
was to do something I love: write. I’m
really worried about my Dad; I almost feel bad for leaving him. I really am going to miss Tizzy, I started
crying while saying bye to her. I feel
more disoriented each minute as well. I
really wish my Mom had stayed. In fact I
almost wish I wasn’t going on this trip.
What was I thinking? I don’t fit
in with this group; I am nothing like these people. I never did get to tell Kasey how I
felt. I wish I had, but I have his
address to send him a postcard, which is a good thing. Oh man, how am I gonna deal without Tizzy,
she’s the being I can talk to who makes me feel like she actually cares even if
she is a dog. I miss my sister a lot as
well. Seeing Heather Hobbs (one of the
girls I used to know who is going on this trip) with her sister makes me miss
mine so much. Kathy is someone I am very
close to, not just as a sister, but as a friend as well. I’m really tired to. The flight is about 8-9 hours and they will give
us dinner as soon as we board pretty much, but right before we get off they
give us breakfast. Our flight is in
about an hour, so hopefully I won’t be too worked up that I can’t sleep. I haven’t quite figured out the exact time
difference, but I will when I get there.
Shoot with my sleep habits my body is probably already adjusted to it,
since I stay up all night, and sleep until like twelve or one in the afternoon.