Entry 641
4-16-01
Okay here’s
what happened: A few weeks ago Stephanie
and I had made plans to go on a double date with T.J. and Luke once again. Then Stephanie’s parents went out of town and
Stephanie let her little brother, Jacob drive her Dad’s truck to the back yard
in order to put the trash in there. Stephanie
and I had to leave so we trusted Jacob, who is twelve to leave the truck there;
well when we got back we saw Jacob had driven the truck around the yard and
gotten it stuck in the mud so Stephanie drove back there and she ended up
getting stuck in the mud. So we had to
get a tow truck and she got grounded when her parents got back and found
out. So we never did get to do anything
that weekend. Instead I ended up going
out on my own that night and I decided to stop at Winn-Dixie to see who all was
there since I know a few people who work there and this guy who I have met a
few times before and who graduated from Callaway last year was there. This was all about three weeks ago I
believe. So anyways I stayed there and
talked to him for like over an hour so finally he told me to just come back
around 11:30 pm when he got off and we could hang out. So I drove around and when the time came I
went back up there. We went to his
friend’s Jody’s house along with his other two friends Simon, and Gina then we
went to play pool, went to Waffle House, went back to Jody’s house, Simon and
Gina went home, then Jody’s girlfriend Alexis got there and she wanted to go
back to Waffle House because the people she works with were meeting there so we
stayed there for a little while; went back to Jody’s house where Kasey and I
parted with an exchange of phone numbers.
Sometime during the next week before I went in to school in the morning
I called his cell phone left a message to see if he wanted to do anything the
following weekend. Then he called me
later and left a message on the answering machine so I called him back later
when I got home and we talked for a long time then Friday night we went to the
Coffee House this was March 30th and I think we went to play pool
afterwards. That Saturday I had to go to
a b-day thing for Britany then afterwards I called Kasey on his cell phone and
met him, Simon, and Gina at Waffle House then we went to Wal-Mart, the lake, Krystal,
Kroger, and I think that was all. Then
the weekend after that my parents were out of town, so Kasey came over Friday
night, we went to Zaxby’s then went to Video Warehouse and rented two movies
and went back to my house we watched one movie then went in my room and talked
for a little while. Then he left because
I had to be at Stephanie’s house by 11:30 because I was going to Florida with her, her brother Jacob, his
friend Bryan, and her Mom. I talked to
him a little, while I was in Florida. Then this past Friday I went over to
his house after he got off work and we hung out there the whole night; watched
T.V., played Nintendo, tickled each other, and had our first kiss. Then he came over to my house Saturday
afternoon for like twenty minutes to bring me a movie and I gave him a poster
and incense I bought him while in Florida.
Then later that night I called him and we ended up meeting at Milanos
(an Italian restaurant) along with Jody and Alexis. Kasey and I didn’t eat anything because we
had already eaten earlier. Then we went
to play pool, went to the lake, then I went home. The thing is, in the beginning I didn’t want
a relationship and just wanted to date him, I didn’t want anything serious in
my life right now, I didn’t think I could handle it much less make time for
it. But now I’m falling in love!! I really am; I haven’t felt this way about
anyone except or since Sam. He’s
completely different from Elliot, Luke, and all the other recently mentioned
guys. He’s so sweet, funny, and we both
have much sarcasm in common. We get
along unbelievably well. We have so many
things in common and he seems so much different from Sam. I know I shouldn’t compare, but I can’t help
it. He’s nineteen and in his freshmen
year of college his major right now is computer science., but he is probably
going to change it. He goes to Columbus State University, which is seriously where I was
considering going before I even met him.
Prom is in two weeks and I am pretty much going with him. We don’t go out as boyfriend-girlfriend, but
we might as well because we act like it.
We are just taking things slow because neither one of us wants to jump
into anything. Once again the fear of
getting hurt comes up for both of us.
Yet that is the whole point of taking things slowly so we can learn to
trust each other with our hearts and open up.
I care for him enough at this point to be patient and take as much time
as he needs. Don’t ask me what happened;
for over a year I am completely down in the guy business then it all of a
sudden becomes one after another for the past four months pretty much, actually
more than that if you include James, but it doesn’t really matter. Kasey is the one out of all of them who I
have become emotionally attached to. He
is so different from I guess “my type” although I hate to use that cliché it is
the phrase I can use to describe it. Yet
despite that I really honestly care for him so much. Don’t get me wrong I do not love him yet, but
I really really like him a whole lot!
And if things continue as they have been one day those three words “I
love you” will come out to him. We’ve
already begun to discuss things over if we were to ever get married as in how
they would be I guess, but it has been mentioned a few times here and there.
Entry 642
4-18-01
I’m unbelievably
tired, but can’t sleep, I have hardly allowed myself to get a decent night’s
rest lately. I want Kasey to go to prom
with me so bad, but I don’t think he will.
I like him so much, but I am so afraid.
This is exactly why I didn’t want to get emotionally attached to anyone
right now. I just can’t help it, I
really am paranoid and so don’t want to get hurt, but I almost feel I just
might. Kasey has come to mean so very
much to me within the past few weeks. There is so much about him which
intrigues me deeply, including some of his views on religion. God, I like him so much! So much that I almost don’t know what to do. I am so paranoid because I really don’t want
to get hurt; much less can I even afford to get hurt at this point in my
life. I am so close to just walking away
because of the fear of getting hurt. It
is just as easy for me to walk away from someone who I really care about due to
the fear of getting hurt, as it is for me to be in a relationship with someone
who I don’t care about. I don’t know
what to do, this is the problem with me when I fall in love, or begin to; I
want to leave; I want to back out. He
really does mean a lot to me though! I
don’t know what to do about prom.
Everything is so messed up; I have a really great guy, but no date! Kasey and I have so many things in common and
I like him so much, but maybe it is too much.
He hasn’t even been an important figure in my life for more than a
month, yet he can already read some of my thoughts, finish my sentences, but
most of all bring a smile to my face every time I think of him. I really have not felt this emotionally
attached to a guy since Mike! I noticed
today when Sam had his Senior Memories book out he had a picture of him and I
in there, which majorly surprised me. I
was amazed he even still had pictures of me, thought by now he had burned them
or something. Sam and I pretty much get
along when we have to, as in only in Physics class since there are only four in
the class, since it’s an advanced placement course. Yet other than that time we majorly dislike
each other. I don’t know how or when it
happened, but it happened, and the weird thing is, I could care less. He has not had any impact in my life
emotionally in a substantially long amount of time. There are so many other things I want to
cover, but can’t because I’m too tired and must get some sleep. If I remember them I’ll discuss them next
time, or at least I’ll try.
Not Numbered
4-20-01
Each day I
begin to think more and more of my Mom as a good for nothing, selfish,
depressed, smoking, bitch! All she does is come home and lay down! Oh my God she pisses me off more than
anything! At least I will be doing
something with Kasey tonight, dunno what, but anything I do with him these days
is always something to smile about. In
fact it is one of the few things that there is actually left to be cheerful
about. Not that I’m trying to make
things dreary and dark. It’s just
besides school, homework, running, doing other things, preparing for college,
there are very few things I have left to do in the time which is available; oh
yea and don’t forget eating every now and then and sleeping. Always an important
accessory when attempting to survive.
Stephanie and T.J.’s prom is tomorrow night. Mine is a week from tomorrow. Next Friday our Physic’s class is going to
Six Flags which I do not know if I am looking forward to or not. I don’t like roller coasters because they
make me sick and there is not anyone else I know of that is the same way going
so may be feeling left out I guess. I just dunno what I want to do. I wish I had acted like I had forgotten my
money for the deadline or something. I
took the S.A.T recently and got my scores back today. I didn’t make what I wanted to make, but I am
planning on taking it in June. I hope I
do better next time! Kasey is going to
call me when he gets off work so we can go ahead and figure out what we want to
do. I wonder if Jody will be hanging out
with us or if it will just be him and I.
I like it when it is just the two of us, but not as much as when there
are other people. I like hanging out
with Jody because he is just a very interesting and intriguing individual. The thing with Kasey is he doesn’t really
seem the type to be enjoying the “college life”. I mean he doesn’t really even have any
friends there; he still hangs out with the people he did while in high school
pretty much. Not that it bothers me, but
I know when I’m in college I am going to take in everything and try to have
fun! I hope whatever happens on prom, no
one gets hurt. Especially with all the
parties which will be going on, with beer then idiots attempting to drive home.
Entry 643
4-22-01
Since I woke up
I’ve had many things to contemplate over.
Last night I went over to Jody’s house to meet him, Alexis, and Kasey. We stayed there for a little while then went
to Milanos. Kasey and I didn’t eat. Then we went back to Jody’s house. I still don’t quite understand what we were
doing, but we first had part of our fortune read using Tarot Cards. Then we did some thing to see who Alexis and
I have as a protector dragon or something.
I dunno I’m not completely sure; it wasn’t explained properly to me
before we began. Whatever it was I tried
to get into it, but it didn’t really work.
Then Jody read me, he looked into me saw exactly some of who I am and
what I want. After that he started to
ask me questions, because he said I hide a lot, which is true, yet he said
there was one main thing which I haven’t told anyone and all that came to mind
was my parents’ problem, but I’ve told a few people about that. Then he asked if anything dramatic has
happened to me between the ages of 5-14 and I couldn’t think of anything. Then he asked if my heart had recently been
broken and I told him over a year ago and he told me that was recent. But that is just asking a lot of questions to
figure out what it was, but he didn’t actually know. I don’t know what to make of all of what
happened last night. I’m trying to
figure it all out. I do know Kasey is
slowly finding a way to my heart. I
wonder about Jody. There is something
about him where I feel I have to win his approval before Kasey can completely
trust me or accept me in his life. At
least something to that extent. I don’t
know it all is so jumbled and confusing at the moment. I’m trying to figure it all out. I’m afraid of falling in love; I’m afraid of
everything that happened last night. I
don’t understand I don’t know who I am.
Whatever happened opened my eyes, gave me an epiphany I never even
imagined. I’m still a skeptic on many
things which correlate with what happened last night, after all it did was just
make me think a bit more. What went on
did not necessarily have a direct effect on me.
The only fear now is losing Kasey.
Alexis and I talked last night and she is pretty sure Kasey and I are
going out now. Then she told me she has
a big mouth and for me not to worry because she will find out for sure for
me. Before Kasey and I went out I went
over to Stephanie’s house to help her get ready for prom, there was so much
running around we had to do. I was
actually quite exhausted when I went over to Jody’s, but we did not really do
anything too tiring, so I was okay.
AHH! I CAN’T STOP
THINKING!!! I believe my window in my
room can be a mirror image of my soul at times.
Eventually everyone in my life now will no longer partake in anything
that has to do with me. Meaning; soon I
will be going to college already leaving several individuals which I know now
behind. I only plan to stay at Columbus State University for about one and a half to two
years. Then move on to one out of state
for graduate school, leaving the few who I know now that chose to go to CSU
also. By then everyone who I know now
other than family will be out of my life by 3-4 years. I am not trying to sound depressing or
anything, just simply writing down what is on my mind. I hope Kasey and I talk tonight, we probably
will, we usually do. I’ve never been in
a “relationship” before where we both actually call each other on a regular
basis. I mean with Sam he always called
me, I only called him usually if there was something wrong. When it came to Elliot and Luke they never
called me, then again I was never actually ever going out with either of them,
but it still counts as in I always had to call them, but sometimes he calls me
ya know, and it actually makes me feel better that I can tell from just the
fact that one person doesn’t make all the calls, that our “relationship” isn’t
just one-sided. I’ll stop putting
relationship quotes when I find out for sure we are actually in one. George our new puppy dog is so cute! I can’t believe how big he is getting. Tizzy and the cats can’t stand him. Then again Tizzy doesn’t like any other dog I
give regular attention to, besides her.
I know when I get settled down I want a few dogs, especially a
dachshund, German shepherd, lab, golden retriever, and St. Bernard. I really want four kids, but really there
aren’t many other guys who care for a family that big. I really do want a large family I know Kasey
doesn’t. He doesn’t want more than two
kids. He says that’s because of money;
he doesn’t want to have to buy four cars, put four kids through college, and
things of that sort. Yet money isn’t an
issue to me, it should be, but I know I am not going to be poor. I am going to be a successful person and in
the middle class percentile, I won’t let me or my family ever be poor,
especially if I continue to become a psychiatrist, I definitely won’t have to
worry about it because they make a shitload of money!
Entry 644
5-3-01
Have things gotten
better or worse? I dunno, Kasey and I
are still dating or going out, or whatever.
He may be calling me tonight on his way home from work. I hope he does because he’s going out of town
this weekend so I won’t be able to talk to him until Sunday. Sam tried to screw with my car today, which
really pissed me off beyond belief. I
could have beaten his fucking ass! Joey
told me not to leave when I was getting ready to get in my car and he fixed
whatever Sam did. When I got home I
still asked my Dad to look at my car and make sure he didn’t try and do
anything else to it, but my Dad said it was fine. Sam is just such an asshole and he just can’t
leave well enough alone. After this
point I completely hate him and hope he burns in hell for eternity for all the
lying and just being an asshole in general; that goes for Stephanie Palmer
also. I dunno why, but for some reason
she hates me; I have no idea why, but because of that I hate her too. Why do there have to be such inconsiderate
people in this world; including Max also.
Kasey and Helen are probably two of the few people I actually like at
the moment. Then again it may also be
PMS, but I dunno if it is around that time or not. I remember how I used to be to Sam sometimes
while I was on my period because I wouldn’t feel like messing around. Anyways, school ends May 25th. I am actually looking forward to the summer;
very much so. I realize it is going to
go flying by, but I can’t wait until this huge relief of stress is lifted. Kasey won’t be going to college during the
summer so we can spend more time together.
Also my sister Kathy is coming to visit along with Keith in June and I
can’t wait to see them again! My summer
vacation is going to be almost three weeks in Europe, that’s even more to look forward
too. I am just a bit hesitant about Kasey
and I . I hope by then we are actually
very serious about each other and I don’t have to be so concerned about parting
from him. Prom was so much fun! We stayed the entire time; then went to the
breakfast afterward. Heather and I sung karaoke
to the song “I Can Love You Like That” by All Four One. We sounded terrible, but I had so much
fun. I spent half the night with Helen,
Rick, Ray, Buffy, Jimmie, and Charlene.
I spent the other half with Britany, Brad, Ryan, Bethany, and Chad. Kasey
went to Augusta, GA for the weekend so he didn’t come to prom
with me. Tizzy is so cute especially
when she is all curled up like she is now.
Our new puppy George is getting so much bigger each day. I love him to death. He is so silly! Blackie and Abby each had kittens, so we have
six kittens; three tabbies, and three all black ones. Well, I am quite tired so I am going to go to
sleep now so I will actually not sleep late in the morning like I always do.
Entry 645
5-14-01
I’m incredibly
dead. I really do just want to go to
sleep. I have absolutely no idea why I
am so tired because I got a good bit of rest last night. Kasey, Jody, Alexis, and I went to the
Renaissance Festival on Saturday; then when we got back we all went swimming at
Kasey’s house. Then afterwards we went
to eat Chinese. Then Kasey took me home
and gave me a hug and kiss goodnight.
The night before Friday; since my parents were out of town this weekend Stephanie
spent the night with me. Around 12 AM Kasey, Jody, and Alexis came over and stayed
until about two in the morning. We had
fun, the last thirty minutes Kasey was there we had a pillow/tickling
fight. In the pool Saturday we had a
splashing/dunking/tickling fight. As
this whole weekend passed I realized something; I am beginning to fall for Kasey,
I am finally after all this time starting to care for someone else. The problem I believe is; I am going to
continue to fall while waiting for him to catch up so we can land together, but
I get the feeling he never will. You
see, I can’t afford to let that happen, I can’t allow myself to break as I have
in the past. As a result, I am seriously
considering not spending time with him anymore because I can’t risk future
aspirations of giving my heart to someone without them ready to offer theirs in
return, and at this rate he isn’t going to be willing to do that. I honestly don’t believe this is moving too
fast because we’ve been dating for nearly two months and I am just beginning to
fall for him. It will probably take
awhile longer for me to actually care for him the way I did with Sam. I just dunno what to do because I don’t want
to give this up because I have found someone who I can really care about. I care for him so much, I think I almost care
for him enough to let him go because I get the feeling he can never feel the
same way about me, I just can see there’s almost nothing I can do. I nearly
feel ridiculous for becoming so involved.
It’s almost like I am kicking myself saying I definitely should have
known better. I was happy in the
beginning, but then unfortunately the clock suddenly struck midnight and the fairy tale came to an
end. Now what am I supposed to do? Give up this great guy who I really am
beginning to care about more and more each day?
Or stay with him when I can so obviously see he can never return my
feelings, he will never be happy with me? I am not even sure if that all is true, but
it is just the vibe I get from him….I dunno.
In the beginning we both seemed so similar to each other that it was
almost too perfect. Then somewhere along
the way we both suddenly became completely opposites. I want him to feel he can tell me everything
and anything, but yet he is still holding things back from me and I don’t
understand why. I just can’t figure out
what it is he is so afraid of. I’ve made
this agreement with myself; usually I call him everyday he doesn’t have to
work, but this week I am not going to call him at all just to see what happens,
but if he does not call me by Thursday, then I will call him. I sent him a message on his cell phone
telling him; we need to talk because there is confusion in the air. It’s so odd because at the start I was the
one who didn’t want anything serious, he was the one who was always holding my
hand and putting his arm around me while I would try in a not very rude, or
obvious way to get away from all his affection because I wasn’t sure at the
time how I felt. Now it all seems
completely vice versa. I don’t know how
he feels and it scares me because I really really do not want to have to go
through any type o f pain like I suffered as a result of Sam and I. I have this overwhelming
sense to protect myself. My heart is a
very delicate piece in my life and it is never good for me when it gets
hurt. Oh my God, I like him so very much
though. He just brings such a smile to
my face and forces my heart to skip a beat every now and then and that my
friend is how I know I am falling for him.
I’ve hardly said a word all day because I’ve become so involved in
over-analyzing this current situation.
All I hope is Lewis does not try and pester me next period in
history. I just might have to beat his
ass, not literally of course. Lewis just
gets on my nerves, he can say just one little thing that can set me off. Unfortunately what kills me is the fact that he
knows this. That is what causes him to
have such an influence on me. I guess as
long as I make an attempt to ignore him he will realize he will realize today
is really not a good day to mess with me.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I
gave my Mom a silver rose, I bought at the Ren. Festival. Last night I was all upset about this whole
deal with Kasey and crying and all, ya know being a typical girl. Then the phone rings and the first thing
which pops in my mind is it is Kasey calling me back it was only like 10 PM.
Yet it was Jason; right away he knew something was wrong, and I made a
very sad attempt to sound like I was okay, but he so would not buy it. I eventually told him what was up, and he did
his best to cheer me up and the sad part is; it actually worked! Because of Jay I got to sleep with a smile
instead of tears. Then I started to
consider what it would be like if Jay and I were to
actually give “us” a chance and my final conclusion was, it just wouldn’t
work. I’ve always like Jason in that
way; after all within the first week we met we went out, and several times after
that. Yet I just can see it would never
work out for us. We are two completely
different people. I can’t believe we’ve
actually been friends for so long. He
usually calls me once a week and every time it is always after ten at
night. I hate to say it, but it is
almost like we are soulmates, which were never meant to be. I mean we both fell more for each other, but
know it could never work out just because of who we are, and know there are
other people out there for us. All I can
really hope is that things between Kasey and I get cleared up and that we
really do work out because I seriously want us too!