Entry 629
Well, another
day for me to encounter whatever events chose to take place. Why is whenever I intend to write I find the
most simple and plain way to state things, but whenever I don’t intend to and
am allowing my mind to wander, I find the most exhilarating and romantic ways
to explain things. I don’t know….I’m
supposed to go over to Sam’s in a few minutes, I have a pretty good idea of he
wants to happen considering he hinted at it jokingly last night when I called
to “confirm” things for today. I think I
am just beginning to analyze things way too much. My stomach’s a little upset. It’s been like this for the past few days,
but I’m trying not to be too concerned.
I hate how in the past few months I’ve abandoned many of my morals like
on sex, abortion, birth control, and cussing.
I don’t have a problem with cussing it’s just I’ve never really
preferred it. I think the only reason I
started was in order for others to view me as more “mature”. But here’s the thing how can saying certain
words do that, I mean after all words are just words and why should it matter
if one chooses to not say these? There’s
nothing really wrong with cussing I just don’t really want to. That’s why I think I’m going to stop. And I’m also not going to drink as much
either. I never really did smoke, every
time I tried I never actually inhaled and when I did, I couldn’t stop
coughing. I haven’t the need for
cigarettes, they don’t calm my nerves like they do with others. I just don’t like to drink because of my
family’s history of alcoholics and drug addictions. I have this fear that that is what may end up
happening to me, so I can’t pretend around my friends that I enjoy those
things. Because each time I do I wonder
if that will be the one that sets me off.
Entry 630
Okay on July
19, a Wednesday Sam and I has sex again, or made love, which was the third
day. The first time was June 13th,
as you already know, and the second day was June 24th. Also on each of these days we made love
twice, so in all it is six times. On
June 23rd, I started dating this guy Dylan, we stayed together for
about a month, and I cheated on him with Sam.
I met Dylan about two months after Sam and I broke up. When we started going out I really liked
him. He’s twenty and lives in
Entry 631
Hey yo! I worked yesterday, then Wednesday, I have to
work 10-4, Thurs. I have school, Friday school and afterwards I have to work 5
until closing, and Saturday I have to go to a defensive driving class 9-4. Next week I’ll have school and work mixed in
together, then next weekend I think we’re going to S.C. to visit my grandmother
who is still in the nursing home and not doing any better, but I just chose not
to think about it because every time I do it brings tears! Anyways, we’re also visiting my brother Mel,
who lives there and Kathy and Keith are going to meet us there. Kathy just wants to see all of us together
one last time before she leaves. She’s
moving to CA, in about two weeks. That
will be the last time I’ll see her for a long while! I love her so much, we became like best
friends, closer than we’ve ever been, and now she’s just leaving me! But I know she’s only doing it for the best
in terms of her future. School starts in
two days. Am I excited or nervous? No! I
know this year I won’t have very much time available for socializing, I
probably won’t even go to prom I’m not gonna go unless I have a date. Everyone I tell that to, roll their eyes at
me and say that’s stupid. The thing is,
when I was younger I always pictured myself going to the prom with someone who
I really loved and shared so much with, but I doubt I’ll find someone like that
before prom. There’s always Sam, but
he’s Sam and I don’t think he’d wanna go with me. I don’t have a specific reason why I say
that, I just know him. He’s supposed to
be coming over today….note the word “supposed”.
Joan wanted me to go to some stupid thrift shop with her today. I don’t even know if I like Joan all that
much, I have to have friends I can trust, and Joan’s known to have a big
mouth. The main reason I don’t want to
go back to school, is because I’ll have to deal with all the rumors and all the
two-faced, narrow-minded, ignorant people, who have their heads so far up their
asses that they can’t even tell which end is their ass! At least during the summer I can separate
myself from these people very easily!
I’ve changed a lot, hell yeah I’m still depressed, but I no longer
object myself to being taken advantage of and walked all over. I just stopped writing for nearly five hours
probably more! Anyways during that
portion of time Sam actually did come over and we has sex twice…being a total
of eight times. I dunno why I’m keeping
count, it doesn’t really matter since I’ve only ever done it with him. I also did something to him that was a
first. If I did what I did with anyone
else I would be sitting here scolding myself and saying I’m a whore, slut, and
other such names, but for whatever reason I don’t feel a bit bad for doing
that. Now I can officially say I had all
of my “firsts” sexually expect for my first kiss and if I could change that I
would, meaning I’d make sure Sam was also my first kiss. God, I love him so much! For some reason today seems to have more
meaning to me than all the other times we were together other than the very
first time and the reason for that should be obvious. One of my other worries about school starting
is someone may get their hands on this and read it. I have no option, but to take it everywhere
with me, including school. I can’t leave
it at home because my parents may decide to read this. I just don’t want someone with a big mouth,
and who’s untrustworthy to find this notebook, then I definitely would be
ruined. My parents are fighting right
now. They seem to be doing that more and
more lately. My Dad was talking calmly
to my Mom and obviously she got frustrated and started yelling and as always my
Dad just doesn’t want to drop it, so they’re still going on about whatever it
was they’re both in their bedroom and raising their voices. Apparently my Dad got mad over not being able
to find some tax forms or something to that extent and asked or yelled at my
Mom about it, thinking she may have moved them or whatever and now it’s just
progressing into something bigger and bigger while my Mom was trying to find
them that is. I dunno they seem to be
doing that more and more lately, fighting, yelling, arguing etc… They’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms
for nearly two years now. They claim
it’s because of the dogs, but please they could find a way around that. All I know is when I move in with or marry
(whichever comes first) I will definitely be spending every night I can in
their arms and sharing a bed with them under the condition that we both truly
love each other. I don’t have to worry
about hat though because I wouldn’t move in with a boyfriend, or marry someone
if I didn’t love them and they didn’t love me back in the first place. Actually I think it would be cool to live
with a guy who was just a friend just because from what I’ve heard guys seem to
be more fun as roommates than girls and especially if he was cute that would be
even more of a plus! My parents are
still at it, which is no surprise, I wish they would at least have the decency
to save their petty arguments, until after their sixteen year old daughter is
out of their presence, but then again we’re talking about my Mom and Dad. My Mom doesn’t even care enough about me to
seriously try to stop smoking “stuff”; after I’ve had confrontations with her
about it several cause times, nor does she have the sense to hide it in a
different place after all the times I’ve told her where it is, caught her at
it, and even flushed some of it down the toilet. Okay, enough about that, it’s depressing
me. I hope Sam calls me tonight, but I
doubt he will. Why? Because he’s Sam and has no common sense and
a guy! Well, I better go I’m trying to
get adjusted to going to bed at a decent hour for when school starts, which I
only have tonight and tomorrow night left for, but who cares!
Entry 632
School has been
okay; I realized it’s going to be so challenging for me! Sam…what is there to say…I should have seen
it coming, ya know? First day, doesn’t
say a word to me when we have two classes plus lunch together! Second day we passed notes and basically he
said he thinks it would be best not to continue this “relationship”. He says he’s had some serious conflicts arise
and been meaning to talk to me about it.
What serious conflicts could arise in three days?? Basically anytime something physical happens
between us and then it comes back to school what does he do? Finds ways to cut me off…God I should have
known better!! What is wrong with
me?? Why do I always forgive him, go
back, and open up to him? He said that
we agreed to keep it on a non-relationship level so why was I hurt. I tell you why I’m hurt, because I lost
something to him that I can never get back; I lost it to someone who doesn’t
know how to say a damn word to me when it comes to being around other people
and then when I finally confront him, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to talk to you
blah blah…,” What the FUCK ever!! This year is going to be just like last
year. I just wish he would acknowledge
or talk to me or something. I sit there
and I see him talk to Helen, Max, and Joey, but he doesn’t say a damn word to
me, and I sit right there, right fucking there!
It was all a mistake…everything was!
I gave up something so precious to someone who treats me like shit! Shit, what the hell am I thinking?? I have to go work now and my Mom and I just
had a fight and I am wondering why didn’t I just go ahead and kill myself when
I had the guts. My sister’s leaving
me….who’s gonna be there for me?? Who am
I gonna talk to?? Sam hates me, no wait
he’s not very fond of me and I can’t tell Anna half the things I’ve done and Helen’s
not very trustworthy these days. I hate
myself, my life, my parents, my friends, and I want it all to go away!
Entry 633
Television is
soo stupid, about as stupid as me probably!
One thing that pisses me off about Sam, is the fact that I try to have a
conversation with him, but every time I ask him a question he won’t respond and
just gives some smart-ass remark! He does
it because he likes to aggravate me and it’s not fucking funny! I feel like I could kill him right about
now! He told me the reason he wanted to
stop having sex was because of another girl someone who I know very well, then
when I ask him who, he won’t tell me he says everyone knows but you it’s going
on right in front of your face; I ask him about college he says everyone knows
but you, but he doesn’t tell me. I ask
him some damn questions about past presidents’ cause he said he knew some
answers so when I ask him certain ones he makes fun of me ‘cause I don’t know
them and calls me an airhead. I told him
about my Mom calling me a whore today he said, “Well, you aren’t anymore,” as
if I was before…thanks for letting me know.
Damn asshole! I’m so hurt and
frustrated about everything! I’m fat and
ugly I need to lose weight so bad! I’ve
gotten into this habit of every time I do something that I consider wrong I go
on a fast to cleanse my body of my “sins” and also as a punishment to
myself. I dunno I guess I was Sam’s
personal hoe this summer. I had sex with
him eight fucking times and did something I never thought I’d do to anyone to
him. What the hell was I thinking?? It was a mistake, the whole thing and I
majorly regret it. Last night or yesterday
when I wrote in here I cried and I shut the notebook without waiting for it to
dry and that’s where the water spots came from.
Anyways I just can’t believe I lost my virginity to such a person. Maybe it was all just sex. I just want to talk to someone; I already
miss my sister. This school year is
going to go by so fast I can already feel it.
Once it does Sam will be gone and probably never wanna talk to me
again. I’ll try and finish my homework
now. I’m beginning to make myself
depressed again. Well actually now it
seems as if I can’t concentrate on much else.
God, I need to lose weight! I
think I’ll take a Tylenol pm to help me sleep tonight. My period’s late I’m supposed to start on the
11th and I haven’t yet. God,
I pray I’m not pregnant I dealt with this last month too, while Sam doesn’t
even worry at all. I’m just sixteen why
do I still have the same pain caused by the same person as I did when I was
fifteen? I dunno I need to concentrate
on school and stop thinking about that jackass who I can’t help but love
unfortunately. I lost everything that
makes me innocent and pure to him. I
should have waited until I was married.
I always said I never wanted to regret my first time, that’s why I was
so hesitant at first and I do regret it and that is what hurts the most. I never even had an orgasm either and he did
every time. I hate SEX!! I ruined so much in my life I think. I dunno I don’t really regret doing it with
him I just believe it not to be one of the smartest things in my life. It complicated things too much. Today when my Mom said that to me I felt like
saying, “FUCK YOU BITCH!” She would have
deserved it, but I held back. It just
hurt so much hearing her say that I cried so much afterwards. Sex didn’t even feel that good to me
really. There is very little physical
pleasure in it. It just irritates me
that the last time we were together I did what I did. It’s just when it happened if I knew that was
the last time I wouldn’t have done it. I
dunno as far as the thing with him and that girl whom I know well; he’s
probably lying he does that so often these days. I don’t need to think about that it’s just
gonna get me all worked up and pissed off and that especially wouldn’t be good
especially before I go to bed. It’s almost
one in the morning and I’m still no where near sleepy. I like this guy at school named Don Lee. I just realized I haven’t mentioned him yet.
He’s a sophomore and fifteen. This
weekend I sent him an email and gave him my number, he wrote me back and said
hey and everything and told me he’d try to call me later, usually when a guy
says he’ll try means he more than likely won’t, but you never know he may. He has the same lunch as me so I’m hoping I
can get him to sit with me and my friends.
I knew him last year, but he went out with Becky who I’ve been able to
stand and they broke up over the summer.
He calls me streaker because at my friend Betsy’s party the summer
before last at the end of my freshmen year and Joey is notorious for going
streaking at parties along with others sometimes Rick, Phil, Sam etc…just
depends on who’s all there. Anyways, Joey,
Phil, and some other guy I can’t remember who were going to go streaking down
Entry 634
I have to get out
of here. These anxieties and
expectations just at times feel too much.
I feel like bursting into an overflow of tears. The more aspects I see from my Mom’s
personality the more I dislike her and wish she would disappear. I realize that sounds awful and cruel to say,
but I just can’t disregard my emotions toward her anymore. I mean I feel and know I love her, but more
out of obligation than anything else. It
is somewhat odd; lately I have been watching old family videos and they do
nothing, but depress me. I take
observations of myself and realize how annoying and whiny I used to be. I was a major drama queen, seeking out for
attention 24/7 and also spoiled. I look
at myself now and I am ashamed to admit many of those qualities of my
personality are still in me. No wonder
so many others dislike me. I can’t
believe how ignorant I was to actually believe the concept of me being a decent
human being. Some people even consider
me fat, maybe I am; I sure feel like it majority of the time. I continuously wonder if I was a little more
slim, a little more quiet, a little more endowed, and had a little more
intelligence, would I be more accepted?
I don’t know, I never really was one to buy into the glamour and beauty
bullshit. It is just lately I feel
myself adopting so many ways I would have never even taken into consideration a
year or two ago. For instance: having an
abortion; in my eyes that used to be killing a living being, but I did it
anyway. I really don’t know who to talk
to; assuming I actually ever have time, but it has become a necessity. I almost told Mrs. Lowe, one of the counselors
at my school, about my Mom’s problem, but when I questioned her about the
situation, without providing any names, she said that unless the individual
confesses what they are doing and gets the necessary counseling; they will be
arrested for possession and their children will be put somewhere where the
parent will not be able to influence them.
So now what can I do? I can’t put
my Mom in jail willingly. My Dad also
has started back, I’m not sure if he ever really quit. I found a bag of it in his dresser the other
day. I don’t have much longer left
living in this house, but still when I am gone it will only get worse. OH
MY GOD!! I Can’t Take This
Anymore!!!! It is driving me crazy
literally!!! I don’t know what
else to do, this issue has been affecting my life for years with no positive
result.