Entry
617
Mine and Helen’s party went really
well, it was fun, I guess. There has
been one dramatic change since I last wrote.
Sam sent me an email and also wrote me a letter basically explaining his
actions and why he said all those mean things.
Turns out I was right all along he only said all that because he hated
seeing me go through the breaking up process so he did it to make me hate him
and get over the whole thing faster. The
best part was he apologized and I know he meant it. He also said he really does still me and
isn’t over it yet, and that’s why it’s hard for him to be friends. Then he went on to say he wants to be friends
and close friends with me at that, but it will just take awhile. So now we talk and mess around and he only problem
is I’m falling back in love with him again.
I never did stop loving him, but my emotions go so vague and I did deny
them for awhile while we were “hating” each other. Only now the more we talk and joke around,
the more I realize just how strong my feelings still are for him. Okay I think that brings things up to date
with Sam and I. Let’s move on to Helen. Basically in my eyes me and her are no more
than acquaintances. We don’t ever
actually talk anymore and the thing about it is, is I don’t even think she
notices. I have figured one thing out
though, I don’t give Amy half as much credit as she deserves. We’ve been friends for about 6 years and have
always been best friends. I just figure
before I start to open up to someone they have to prove they’ll stay around
because I’ve seemed to already made that mistake twice with Helen and Sam. I’m not saying Helen and I aren’t friends
anymore, I’m just saying we don’t talk anymore.
That’s funny, I’m sitting here writing about her and she just walked
in. Sam thinks I should tell Helen about
what happened to me for the past month, but I don’t think I ever will. I won’t mention it in here because others may
get their hands on this, who I don’t want to know. Then again there’s a lot of things in here I
don’t want other people to know.
Entry 618
I have changed
a lot these past few months, especially how I feel. My sexual desire is so strong right now. It’s very odd because I’ve never been in this
situation before. Like the only person
who I’ve done anything more than kissing is Sam, and by that anything I mean
pretty much everything but sex except for like one thing. So while we were together I pretty much got
“some” everytime we spent time alone, which was very often. Well, now it’s been a little over 3 months
and here I am a 16 year old female left horny.
The problem, I could go up to some random guy, and ask them knowing full
and well any teenage male will say yes to that, but that’s not what I want.
With Sam it wasn’t just some casual thing.
I only let it happen because I knew no matter how intense it got there
was always love behind it. Now I can’t
do any of that with another person unless I love them, and the only guy I love
is Sam, plus he’s also the only person I’ve done any of that with before, so I
also feel secure around him and I trust him to not force or push anything to
happen, therefore he’s the only guy I want.
Is this crazy? A lot of other
things are confusing for me right now, too.
I could be with a lot of different guys, but a lot of them I don’t like
and after the relationship I had with Sam, it causes me to want something
serious, and being with someone who wants the same thing. A lot of the guys I could be with I see don’t
want that. I know I can’t necessarily go
around looking for love or wait around for it, so I’m just kind of stuck right
now and still miss and love Sam so much.
Well, this Friday I’m spending the night with my friend, Allison and I’m
supposed to be meeting a lot of fine guys from what she says, so maybe that
will supply an opening. I just have a
feeling that a lot of those guys will be druggies and I don’t think that’s
really something I wanna get all that involved in.
Entry 619
I wish for one day
I wouldn’t think of Sam at all. Why is
it the one time I’m trying to forget him and act like he doesn’t exist he makes
contact with me, which I don’t get?? He
sent me a postcard from Epcot, through email and he was shooting me a bird. Whether I’m supposed to take this as a joke,
or him just being a jerk and wanting to hurt me, I don’t know. I don’t know because just last week he was
flirting with me, and acting like he actually meant everything he’s told me
within the past month, but then something happened, which made me rethink a lot
of things about him. So I really don’t
know how I’m supposed to take things from him at all. I mean maybe he has for whatever reason
decided to turn into that person that wants to hurt me as much as possible
because he is pissed off at me for no reason because if it was a good enough
reason then I would at least have some idea of what it is. All I want from him is a steady close
friendship, but apparently I was expecting too much. I never thought I would ever hate loving
someone, but I do. I hate loving Samuel. It frustrates me more than ever. I think about us, and the past, but it’s so
confusing when I think of how I once thought of him and how he used to hold me
and whisper all those things in my ear.
I did so much sexually with him and I hate myself for it now because it
was practically everything but sex, and I trusted him so much. And for what?? To only end up heartbroken and then have him
continue to crush it, then win my trust back again and give me just a little
bit of hope we may be together again, which was just like two weeks ago and
then whatever he’s doing now, I guess it may be him crushing it all over
again. I mean come on it’s almost like
he knows how I feel, but finds joy out of hurting me. I can’t stand this, it’s either just leave me
alone, or just simply be one of my best friends and be someone who I can run to
when I need him, or the comforting of a guy.
Obviously that’s asking too much and always will be. I honestly want him in my life, but it seems
like he wins me over, and then he begins the process of hurting me again. I’m sick of it, I don’t need this in my life
right now, and I’m most certainly don’t deserve it after all the crap I’ve put
up with him from him and plenty of other people. I wish I could hate him. I wish I could just kick him out of my life,
but it’s just not that simple. At one
point we were happy together and shared so much love, and that love just won’t
go away, I tried to push it away, ignore it, get rid of it through hate, forget
it, even invest it in someone else, but none of it worked. I’m still stuck with it, and I know somewhere
inside him he has to still be dealing with it too. The thing is, it’s very easy for others to read
me, to look inside me and see just how I’m feeling, so it’s easy for him to
figure out how I feel for him, yet I can’t do the same with him. I’m so happy we never had sex, because I know
I would majorly be regretting it right about now. I don’t know everything we did together kind
of makes me feel really bad about myself because it seems like it never even
mattered. I trusted him wholeheartedly
and I can’t believe I gave my heart and practically my body to him so easily
when I hardly even knew him. Well, at
least crying helps you lose some weight.
I thought I said I wasn’t going to let people walk all over me again,
but that’s exactly what I’m letting him do.
I feel like he gives me hope on purpose, only to have the joy of
stomping all over it. Shoot, he already
stepped all over my heart, why not go ahead and finish the job? I’m sick of being the one who’s always
crying, and being hurt. I’d give
anything just to forget him, unless there was even a chance of us feeling the
love as strongly as we once did, and sharing all that emotion we did before
together again. About two weeks ago he
gave me hope of that chance and told me how easy going he was and about 3-4
weeks ago he was telling me he was sorry and he really wanted to be close
friends with me. About 2 months ago he
was saying he will always care for me and he will be here for me, but in a
different way, wait actually he said that in a letter about a month ago. And there are many other things he’s said
that stick out in my memory and I wonder at times if he remembers them. I’m afraid to get close to anyone right now. I couldn’t handle having my heart abused and
used like it has been with him. I hate
dreaming about him, I hate thinking about him, loving, and wanting him, I can’t
stand it, I wish it would stop. I’m
just…I’m stupid!! I’m sick of all this
and just want to stop thinking about it altogether. I never asked for this feeling, I never asked
to fall in love, or for any of these emotions for that matter. I most certainly never asked to fall in love
with Sam, him of all people. At the time
it seemed like the most wonderful thing on Earth, his touch made everything
perfect, just hearing his voice put a smile on my face. I don’t know what his problem is; I don’t
know what I ever did to him. I want to
be strong enough to tell him to leave me out of his life, but I’m not. I still feel that I need him, and
unfortunately I can’t help how I feel. I
want him in my life. I want him to be
someone who I can trust to be there when I really need him, someone who I can
call, and just talk to, or not be afraid to cry in his arms, but knowing it’s
just as friends. I want that, I think I
need that. Maybe it will happen but at
this point I just don’t know anymore of what will occur between us. I’m probably better off not knowing anyways.
Entry 620
The more frustrated
and hardships I encounter the more I have this continual need to write about
all of it. I’m slowly, but surely
beginning to lose faith in the whole male race, and the human race as well. But one main in particular, not Sam as you
would think, but more along the lines of God.
He really hasn’t been on my side lately, so why should I be on his. I wish I could make myself stop having dreams
because they’ve been causing a large amount of confusion for me. For one thing I had this dream about two huge
snakes attacking me, a dream about Sam, and 2 or 3 where I went out with a guy
I pretty much only think of as a friend, or at least I thought I did. I wouldn’t let these dreams bother me so
much, but it’s the fact of how real they seem, it’s like when I wake up I feel
like it really happened for about five minutes, then I feel overcome with
disappointment, when I realize they are just dreams. Excluding the one about the snakes because I
was happy to discover that one wasn’t real.
That dream was more like a nightmare, first one I had in awhile, and I
woke up all in a sweat. Maybe, I’m just
highly lost and are supposed to be taking all of them as signs, but I sincerely
doubt it. Maybe, I’m not even supposed
to be here and was just some mistake.
Whatever, every time I start to believe I’m happy and am finally heading
in the right direction, something happens or I will just get in another one of
my sad moods, only my “mood” tends to last a whole lot longer than just a
regular day. I don’t know what it is. I seem to be becoming depressed again except
I don’t believe it was caused by Sam breaking my heart this time.
Entry 621
Where’s God
at? I need someone, don’t know who, or
what, or what I even need someone for. I
told Sam I needed to talk to him, and I had a few things to tell him, I wanted
to tell him some of them right then and there, but he said not here. I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m
going to tell him, unless he calls me tonight, which I have no clue whether he
will or not, or if he’s even willing to listen, but whatever. I just need to know if he actually means to
go somewhere with all of this flirting he’s been sending out, and if he doesn’t
than it needs to stop. I just love him
so much I can’t help it; I’m majorly confused and falling under this spell of
depression once again. No one
understands or gets it; I’m so tired and can’t even sleep at night half the
time because I have so many pointless things on my mind. I’m filled with thoughts I can’t even
comprehend myself. Most of them contain
things that have to do with Sam, my parents’ problem, life and why me. I know I said I was through with worrying
about their addiction, but I just can’t help it. It’s hard not to when these days ever time you
turn around you smell it, and see bloodshot eyes. They think I’m too shallow in stupidity to
even notice. I guess this is the fourth
time my Mom’s lied and deceived me about it.
This time she does it a lot more often and plus she mixes German beer
with it, which is much more stronger than regular beer. I don’t know.
I never knew it was intricately possible to feel so many different
things over one thing. I really don’t
need or want any of this, nor did I ever ask for any of it. I just wish I could start all over again. Take a remote control for my life and press
rewind all the way to my birth. Of
course, that would just make things too easy, and life’s not meant to be easy,
remember?!?! I wish I could read minds,
but wishes aren’t meant to come true, at least from my experience they aren’t
(one in particular).
Entry 622
Things have
really gone down hill for me in the past few days. Thursday night we found out my Grandmother on
my Dad’s side, the only grandparent I have left living, is possibly having a
nervous breakdown, Alzheimer’s disease, or a heart problem where she’s not
getting enough oxygen causing some loss of memory in her brain, due to lack of
oxygen, or it could be a combination of all 3.
My Dad had talked to her earlier and she said she was seeing things and
my Dad didn’t really think much of it since her eyes have gotten really bad
lately and she’s eighty something. Then
later that night we found out she had called the police saying someone was
going or trying to rob her and when they got there she was balling up newspaper
and putting it in the stove. So both my
parents left that night for the weekend, I could barely do anything so I wrote Sam
a long letter and Helen gave it to him for me on Friday. Friday night I hung out with Amy and