Entry 670
12-16-01
Why do I allow
so many to get the best of me. I can be
such an idiot and people piss me off so easily, but yet I have such a huge fear
of confrontation that nothing ever seems to get resolved. I am like a major bitch to my Mom and I really
just don’t even care. I am so glad
Monday is our last day at school. I am
not even going to stay the whole time. I
am going to get my Mom to write me a not to let me leave early since I don’t
really have to get there. I have to go
up to LaGrange College sometime and get a copy of my
transcript mailed to Mercer, and Columbus State.
I really hope I get accepted to Mercer.
I would quit my job at Winn-Dixie in a second if it wasn’t for the
money. My brother came to visit this
weekend, and he brought his girlfriend, Beth.
We all went to eat at some new place that really didn’t seem that great. Then my brother, Beth, Britany, and I went to
see Fantasy in Lights at Callaway Gardens.
I got Britany to come because I would feel like the third wheel with
just Mel and Beth. I don’t know what to
think about Beth. She really doesn’t
seem like the type of girl I think Mel would date, but she seems pretty nice. I need to become more rational and stop
taking so much shit from so many people that don’t even have room to criticize
anyone until they improve themselves. I
am so pissed at myself just for making stupid decisions sometimes. Chad told me once so many people were
pissing him off and he was about ready to run away. I was like you are 22 years old, you can’t
run away, besides that you have too many damn responsibilities, like a kid for
one, bills, a job etc… He is such a
fucking dumbass. I should have put a
stop to us a long time ago. A major
factor in my life is music and movies and we didn’t even like the same type of
movies, much less music. I hated so much
of the shit he played. Plus he pretty
much treats me like shit. In the beginning
he was real sweet, then that was also way before I got to know his lying
ass. Once again just as it was with Sam. I can’t believe I did that stuff with
him. It makes me sick when I think about
when I was actually with him; I want to puke.
Really we hardly even knew each other, I knew like his favorite colors
and that he had a kid, about his family and not yet, but almost ex-wife Jackie. That is about it though. If he didn’t fucking lie all the damn time
then we might have worked, but I put up with way too much of that bullshit from
Sam, and learned my lesson long before I even knew Chad even fucking existed. I really hope I eventually find a decent
guy. I just want to find someone who
from right when we meet I see something in his eyes that tells me I am capable
of loving him with question. I am just
no longer going to allow myself to get hurt!
I know I am so much more stronger and an independent person in life than
to tolerate any other individual to walk all over me as if I am nothing. I wan to find someone who it doesn’t matter
to me what they have to offer just because I love them so much and the feeling
being mutual of course. I have no idea
what attracted me to Sam, the whole thing seems hilarious now. The more I think about it the more I wonder
if it was really just lust and the benefits.
I know I cried and cried so bad when we broke up, but was it really
love, or was it just a strong friendship with many benefits? Unfortunately I can’t really answer this
question because I just honestly don’t know.
Relationships are just very complicated and confusing in high
school. Especially since you are
maturing and figuring out who you are, it is very difficult to let someone else
in during this process and very scary to get that close and have so many
feelings you aren’t used too. At least
there is only about 4-5 months left of it for me and I will say goodbye to all
the people I have ever known and go to a place with a fresh new start. Well, I am freezing my ass off so I think I
will give my hand a rest and go somewhere besides home where I can get warm,
because I really don’t feel like going home just yet. Plus I want a cigarette and I got to wait for
the smell to wear off, even though my parents figured out I smoke, and
surprisingly they don’t care.
Entry 671
12-18-01
Some people
must think I am absolutely crazy for sitting all by myself with a notebook
writing for hours at a time, but I can’t write in my room the atmosphere just
isn’t right for me. I decided to try
somewhere other than the lake today. I
came to the track behind West Georgia College.
I am glad it is not as windy today as it was the other day. School is officially over and it feels like
this big relief has come over me. In
about a week I will leave to go see my sister, I talked to her for about an hour
today. Helen just called and wants…I
mean Amy not Helen…oops, anyways, she wants to do something tonight not sure
what, but we will find something.
Entry 672
12-20-01
Well when Amy
went and did something we ended up going to Wal-Mart, eating at Los Napoles and
Joey came and met us, he didn’t eat though because he had already eaten. Then we went to Video Warehouse to rent a
movie, but instead we decided to just to go to Joey’s house and watch
Zoolander. We ended up staying over at Joey’s
house until one in the morning. My Dad
gave me one hundred dollars in traveler’s checks today for my trip to California.
I went to Newnan yesterday with Briann, Nicole, and Kasey. We went to Old Navy and I got presents for my
Mom, Dad, Kathy and Keith. I figure I
will get stuff for Helen, Britany, Amy, and Stephanie in California.
Sam is in town for Christmas. He
came up to school the last day before Christmas break, I didn’t see him, but
was told about it. Since he is in the
Army he came and sat through all three lunches to try and recruit people. Once again I didn’t see him, but Joey told me
about it. I left early that day just
because it was the last day and I had some extra days I could miss. I am kind of glad I didn’t see him. I have seen a lot of people during this Christmas
break that graduated last year. It feels
kind of odd knowing that will be me a year from now. Yet I am soo excited! I have like less than a week then I get to
see my sister. I am so unbelievably
excited about that! I haven’t talked to Chad in like a week, which is a very good
thing. I guess that means he finally
realizes he screwed shit up between us, not me!
God now every time I think about how long I was actually with him I am
majorly like disgusted by myself. Of
course I will be over it in like a day or so it will be alright. I am really nervous about flying since Sept.
11th. I just hope everything
will be okay. My Dad wants me to call
him as soon as the plane takes off and everything is alright to let him know I
am alright, he also wants me to call him, right before we land. I think he is more concerned than I am. It wouldn’t bother me half as much, if I
wasn’t flying out of Hartsfield, one of the biggest Airports in he U.S. or if I
wasn’t flying to San Francisco, California at that, since all of the planes which
were attacked on Sept. 11th, were headed toward California, an done
out of four of them were headed to San Francisco. The other three were going to Los Angeles.
Obviously they never made it unfortunately. Helen already gave me my Christmas
present. She bought me a matching
necklace and bracelet, and a set of earrings with about six pairs I think. She also got me some lotion. I swear I am so sick of my fucking Mom, she
is such a damn bitch! She fucking pisses
me off and I spent all that god damn money on her fucking ass yesterday. I should just keep all those damn pajama
pants for myself and those damn slippers!
Stupid bitch! She never gets off
her fucking lazy ass, oh wait except to get a fucking beer or to get some
“stuff”. I should of gotten a damn bag
full of that “stuff” for Christmas, selfish bitch! Man, sometimes I think all she needs is a
good slap in the face. She feels so
sorry for herself just because she turned fifty on December 1st. Big fucking deal get over it and move on with
your damn life. God she pisses me off. Ever since she started feeling sorry for
herself all she does is lay around, oh but wait that’s all she did before
anyway and heaven forbid she actually cooks a homemade meal, other than on a
special occasion, or claim a damn ham sandwich is a fucking decent meal. She hasn’t even done any damn Christmas
shopping and all she will probably say is that those plane tickets are my Christmas
present even though Kathy fucking paid for them stupid lying bitch. She said she would bring me boxes from school
today so I could wrap her presents, but of course she fucking forgets! God she pisses me off and the more I continue
to write and think about her whining ass the more I want to go in there and
give her a fucking slap in the damn face.
Man, I need a damn cigarette maybe that will calm me down.
Entry 673
1-25-02
Well, California was awesome. We went to the Golden Gate bridge. We went to the mountains and went sledding
down this huge hill. Anyways, I am so
sleepy, but then again I am always tired these days. So in California we saw Alcatraz also, but basically we did a lot of
shopping and just visited a lot of different places. I tried to quit smoking, but it didn’t work
very well. I stopped for like three days
and then bought a pack last night. Briann
and I are supposed to go to Newnan tonight, I’m not real sure what all we’re
going to do, if she doesn’t call me by 7 p.m.
I am supposed to call her. She is
going to spend the night. Man I feel
like I’ve been writing forever, instead of like five minutes. I cleaned my whole room today, first time in
like two months. I am washing all my
blankets from my bed. I am going to take
another shower before we go out, and of course we are going to stop by the big
W-D; Kasey’s working tonight, so that’s always a good thing. I got accepted to Mercer, so that is pretty
much where I a going. My Mom is supposed
to send the $300 deposit sometime. I
actually should be reading right now, but I really just don’t feel like
it. I realize this is horrible
handwriting at the moment, but for some reason I just am not in the mood to
take my time. I wonder how much longer
my comforter will take to dry. I have
got ink all over hands from this stupid pen.
I am so relieved I finally got accepted to college, I mean on other than
my safety College, Columbus.
I was just worn out from losing sleep because I was stressing so much
over it. I miss writing poetry, but I
just never have the time. Joey and Anna
go out now. I am happy for them, but at
the same time I suddenly realized I am he only one out of any of my friends
that doesn’t have a boyfriend. Briann’s
with Brad, Stephanie’s stuck up T.J.’s ass, Helen is with Jay, Britany is with
Hunter, and of course there is Amy and Joey.
Great, my life sucks. Not
literally, but I do wish I had a special guy in my life. Not a twenty year old
still living at home, or even with a kid.
I want a 17-18 year old Senior guy in high school who is actually going
to do something intellectual with their lives.
Hopefully I will find someone in college, but I need to go check on my
blankets, finish making my bed take a shower, call Briann, and then go to
Newnan which hopefully will be fun, anything I do with Briann seems to be
hilariously fun anyways.
Entry 674
1-29-02
I am still
trying to get used to the fact that it is 2002.
Man this year is going to fly by.
I start college Friday. I am kind
of excited, but then again. I get the
feeling it is going to be a lot harder than last semester. My Mom is supposed to send the deposit for
Mercer tomorrow. Geez, I am just so
thrilled that I got into Mercer, this is literally
what I have been preparing for all of my life.
The next step right after high school. I have been sick for the past couple of days
with a sore throat and a really bad cough.
I have missed two days of school this semester already. But I should be fine as long as I don’t miss
anymore I have called in for work quite a few times, but I could care
less. I hate that job. Well, actually it would not be so bad, it is just the people there. Everyone is on such a huge power trip up
there. They all think they can tell
everyone what to do not matter if they are equal to me or not. It just annoys me so bad. Even when I am not even working and I go up
there to get my schedule they piss me off.
I wish I could find another job.
I want one where I don’t have to deal with other people’s money or
food. God, I hate having a job I dread
going to each day. I am throwing or
helping to throw a surprise party for Helen.
I must admit I am so jealous of her.
I mean isn’t it enough she got a surprise party when she turned fifteen
she has to get one when she turns eighteen as well. Plus she has already told me she doesn’t want
a party and she distinctly told her Mom that and yet she is still getting one,
yet I have never had one, and always wanted one, but my Mom is just too damn
lazy to bother. She won’t even be
grateful for it. It just really gets to
me. Then she was just handed a great
car. A Mustang I mean hello! While I had to work my ass off for my
car. Amy for graduation is getting a
2002 car. I mean yeh since she turned sixteen she has been driving her Mom’s
old car. Yet for my graduation my
parents will probably end up giving me my Mom’s old car. I mean it may be a 1998 Camry, but still it
is my Mom’s old car, I got the van when I turned sixteen. I would still be driving it today if I didn’t
total it. I just get so frustrated with
my parents. One of the many reasons I
can’t wait to move out and go to college.
No one can piss me off like my Dad.
I really am to the point where I can’t stand him. This is great I hate my home, I hate work,
resulting all as to why I hate LaGrange, Georgia.
Yet while I am at college I will still be stuck in fucking Georgia, worst of all the
damn south. I want nothing more than to
get out of here. Leaving all the real
people I have ever known is a sacrifice I am willing to make. I am glad I called in today plus I am off
tomorrow. Maybe once college starts I
will actually feel like I am doing things more productive. The only bad thing is they have me working
3-9 at Winn-Dixie and in the afternoons my college classes end at 2:30 so I have to rush to Winn-Dixie and
change in order to be ready by 3. I
can’t believe my twelve years of school flew by so fast. I am highly amazed about how all the people
around me have grown up. Yet as I was
watching them I suddenly glanced in the mirror and realized I had changed as
well. It just wasn’t as noticeable as it
was with everyone else. Through all the
fights, all the love, guys, tears, heartache, I learned and grew from every bit
of it. Although there is so much I wish
I could go back and change, I know I can’t so as always I just learn from my
mistakes and continue to walk with my head held high with my dreams and goals
remaining close enough to where I can almost touch and taste them. They only remain a chapter away. One thing I hate most is that in today’s
society so many people are untrustworthy.
It gets on my nerves so bad at times.
I hate the fact that when I am at the lake at night I fear someone may
be lurking in the shadows. At least I
don’t allow those minor feelings of paranoia to go to the extreme.
Entry 675
2-3-02
Well, college
went alright Friday I guess. My Mom
talked to me yesterday and told me she no longer wanted me to work because she
wanted me to concentrate on school. She
said she wanted me to have fun with what was left of my Senior
year and my last summer at home before college.
She told me she would have plenty of money on her paycheck at the end of
the month, because all her bills will be paid off and also she just got a
raise. So I decided I was going to put
in a two week notice Monday. Then I thought
about it and changed my mind. I went up
there and left a note for Mr. Hutson, the manager and Mrs. Denise, the head
cashier, which said Monday would be my last day working there (tomorrow). I really hope Denise is not there tomorrow
when I come to work. Well, I am very
relieved about it all though. Besides
she’s started scheduling me 3-9 everyday, when my college classes end at 2:30,
which means I have to haul ass from college to Winn-Dixie and change in a huge
rush and clock in barely in time. That
is very nerve wrecking. I am to the
point where I almost don’t even want to come to work tomorrow, but I am going
to anyways. I am going to get my check
Tuesday night so I won’t have to see Denise.
Geez, I have to get up at five thirty in the morning tomorrow. I am supposed to meet Briann in the morning
at the gym at six. I am going to try and
join once I get paid Tuesday. I need to
buy some notebook paper, but I can’t find anywhere that has college-ruled in
stock; I also need to get some highlighters for when I study my college books. I am really going to be stressed over my
college English class. We will have to
write a research paper in there and I hate writing those. If we get to choose any topic I am definitely
going to pick a social issue; I am not sure what specific one, but I will
figure that one out. I might just use my
old research paper from Mrs. Gill’s class based on what are the causes of teen
depression. Obviously I will change it a
bit, and definitely improve it. I am
most certainly glad I kept al my old essays and papers I have written in high
school for my English classes. I am so
excited. I found out my Play Station 2 I
got for Christmas plays DVDs. Well I
took a sleeping pill earlier and I really am beginning to get tired. Even though I know as soon as I set the pen
down turn off the T.V. and lights I will toss and turn for three hours. Why? I
dunno; I really just have the hardest time in the world getting to sleep no
matter how hard I try. I could go
without twenty-four hours of sleep and when I lay down it’s almost a guarantee
I would still have the most difficult time trying to get to sleep. Anyways, I guess I shall try now. Good Night!
Entry 676
2-4-02
Well, I am
supposed to be at work right now, but guess what…I’m not. Today was supposed to be my last day anyways
so why does it really matter? It is
freezing outside! They are saying it is
going to snow tomorrow. I personally
don’t want it too! I am so tired all the
time. I only went to one class
today. This is the third absence I had
in AP Calculus. So I can’t miss anymore
days no matter what so I don’t have to take my final. My back keeps hurting,
I dunno what is wrong with it. There is
just this pain right between my shoulder blades. I need to get my notes for my U.S. History
class from someone. I think I might get
them from this girl that I talked to that was in there on the way to her next
class, while I was on the way to my car.
There is this guy in there that graduated from Callaway when I was a
freshmen, his name is Wiley. It is weird
to be in there with people that have already graduated high school that I knew
while they were still there. I am coming
down with a cold. I just got over this
horrible sore throat and cough, and now I am getting a cold. I bet part of it is from me going out in the
cold and rain yesterday with my hair still partially wet. I can’t stand blow drying my hair it takes
forever, and it seems like when I think I am done the ends are still wet. I just hate it, it drives me crazy. So now I will blow dry it to wear part of the
top is dry and just put it up while the ends are still like soaked. I really don’t care though, plus it is a lot
faster. I was supposed to meet Briann
this morning at 6 AM at the gym, but didn’t, I am going to call her tonight or leave
her a note on her car tomorrow. She may
get mad at me. I hope not, though
because I love her to death. Friday Amy
is celebrating her birthday, she is going to invite
me, Katie and her boyfriend Jeffery, Ellen, and Joey since her and Joey go out
and all. She hasn’t decided if we are
all spending the night or not, we as in Ellen, Katie, and me. If we do spend the night then we are going to
probably stay up all night, then the next day is Helen’s surprise party so I
will just probably stay over at her house all day and we will ride together to
the party because it is at Cali’s old house, who used to be one of Amy’s best
friends, but Helen’s Aunt bought the house when they moved out. Then Sunday, I will probably sleep all
day! Then the next weekend is when Helen’s
actual birthday is on the 15th, then that Monday is mine, the 18th
and the weekend after that is when I will have my little celebration. Helen, Britany, Briann, Amy, and Stephanie
are all invited. We are probably going
to Newnan, going to eat at Applebees, going bowling or whatever we decide to
do; then after that we are going to come back probably go to Wal-Mart just
because, go to Video Warehouse then going back to my house. Briann may get Nicole to come, and I am going
to tell Amy she can invite Joey, Stephanie can bring T.J.,
and whoever else, Sarah, Stephanie’s newfounded best friend can come as well,
but only those five originally mentioned are spending the night and all. I have a feeling if Stephanie doesn’t bring
T.J. she is going to be on the phone with him the whole time, which will drive
me absolutely crazy! I am excited about
turning 18 though. I will finally be an
adult. I just hope everything goes alright
for the next few days. I need to get
minutes on my phone. I get paid
tomorrow, I need to talk to Helen and Amy and ask what they want for their
B-days. I wonder what my Mom is going to
get me. My Dad will probably get me
nothing. It sounds bad, but it is the
truth. All he actually got me for Christmas
was a pin with a rose on it. When in the
hell am I going to where a pin? When I am forty maybe, not while I’m seventeen or eighteen. I don’t think so. I need to call Briann, Helen to see how she’s
doing since her and Jay broke up, Stephanie to tell her about my W-2 form I got
from Dominoes in the mail, since her Dad is doing my taxes, Amy to see what we
did in Calculus and if we had any homework.
So I think I am going to head on home now because my back is starting to
hurt worse, my hand is tired and I’m hungry.
Entry 677
2-7-02
Although I
really don’t feel like writing, I am, just to satisfy myself. Well, tomorrow is Amy’s B-day, I have
absolutely no idea what to get her, but I guess it will be a candle that glows,
picture frame, a CD, a card, and I have to find something else, but I am not
sure what I may get her some junior mints because I know she loves those and
some lip gloss. I think something may be
wrong with my playstation 2 because although it will play DVDs, it makes this
loud staticy noise and you can hardly hear what they are saying it gets really
frustrating. Amy’s parents are paying
for all of us to eat at Bonzai, which is like $20 per person. Then we are going to rent some movies go back
to her house, and watch them then all the girls are definitely spending the
night. I have absolutely no idea what to
get Helen. I really need to start
drinking coffee or something to keep me awake during the day. I wish for one week I could go without being
sick. The past couple of weeks I had
that horrible cough, and then this week I got a cold, and plus every time I
cough, I cough up lugis, and it is absolutely disgusting. I wonder where Briann’s at she wasn’t at
school today and I dunno what happened to Stephanie she wasn’t out there to
meet me. Whoa, I just realized since I
have been working out at the gym with Stephanie and Briann I have gotten more
muscle in my arms. I am like so
excited. I am watching “The Waterboy”
right now. We had to write our first
essay in our English class today. It was
like a practice essay, she’s going to grade it, but it is not actually for a
grade it is just one to actually see how she grades. Our topic was if we were throwing a dinner
party and could pick any three people to invite living or dead, or fictional
who would we pick, why and what would we talk about. I chose John Travolta, Robert Frost, and my
grandfather, “Big Daddy”. It was pretty
easy, but I wonder how I did on it. I am
somewhat worried about Helen’s surprise party, worried that very many people
won’t show up. So far I only know for
sure six people are coming including myself. I hate trying to go to sleep. I never can go without tossing or turning for
at least like three hours. Damn my PS2
is really getting on my nerves. I am
really going to see if my Mom has the receipt so we can take it back and see if
it is all of them, or if there is any way we can fix it. I can’t handle this loud noise it drives me
crazy. There is this guy named Will who
sits by me in English class, and he is nice and cute. There may be definite potential. Thank God I know for sure that he actually is
in college, which obviously means he was smart enough to get into one and plans
on doing something with his life. I
don’t even know him, but like I said there is definite potential. I hate my U.S. History class,
my professor is like so boring he almost puts me to sleep. I need to read Chapters 19-21 by Monday
because we either have a test then or on Wednesday. I hate having classes on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I would much
rather just have them on Tuesday, and Thursday, too late for that now. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t have
graduated last semester. But then I
wouldn’t be able to attend the ceremony, and walk and all. It is such a relief to not have to worry
about work anymore. Especially
having to ask off. I really do
want to get darker before summer. I
should have taken a shower tonight. That
way I won’t have to get up half as early.
I am just going to come back home, take a shower and fix my hair before
I meet Amy.