Entry 664
8-14-01
I am not quite
sure what people expect to find or see at this lake. The beauty of nature sometimes is more
indescribable than anything else. In the
beginning I wasn’t quite sure what writing my thoughts down would do. I did not quite get the purpose of any of
it. Now I am astounded when people can’t
conceive why I do this. Now it has
become a therapeutic thing. I do it for
my benefit and my benefit only. My true
passion lies with poetry, it is just trying to find the time to do it all. I just became so amazed by all of it. How someone or something created this great
beauty. After being in Europe and really going on a self-discovery
trip while I was there, I realized the person I really am. I saw myself through the eyes of how others
may see me for once, and that experience in itself helped me learn so
much! Looking back on it all it
seriously seems like it was a dream, I mean it feels so weird to say I’ve seen
and been to the Eiffel Tower, The Leaning Tower of Piza, Vatican, Westminster
Abbey. God it really was
incredible. I seriously do plan to go
back. I have to see London again, and Italy that was my favorite! That was where I felt the most comfortable
with everyone in the group and after I had gotten accustomed to drinking so
much. Man, I sure would not mind having
a Bud right now. Those seriously are so
good. It is a bit hard to concentrate at
the moment. I’m not quite ready to go
home just yet though. I think I may
drive around a bit and write some more later maybe.
Entry 665
8-19-01
Okay I am majorly
PMSing so prepare to listen to complaints through the roof. My car is a piece of shit! Two of my windows don’t even work, my
windshield wipers suck, my drivers side headlight is screwed up, I have an oil
leak ‘cause it keeps smoking, none of my warning lights work, I have a terrible
sound system, my clock is way too fast!
It just sucks okay, but I realize I should just be grateful that I even
have a car. My room is also a terrible
mess, I have so much fucking school work to do and I so seriously do not even
feel like doing it. I am so stressed out
and scared about college! I sent in my
application to Columbus last weekend, I’m going to call them tomorrow and check
on it, make sure it actually got there; then I also want to apply to Georgia
Southern, University of Georgia, maybe Emory, Brevard, Mercer, and Auburn. I mean I just want to see if I can actually
get accepted and not just settle for Columbus when I know I could have many more
options. That’s my main worry;
college! I don’t know what to do at the
moment I just feel like laying here on my ass, but then that wouldn’t help
anything to get done. I have a job at
Winn-Dixie now, Kasey helped me to get the job.
So now I’ll be working with him, Stephanie, Kim (Stephanie’s other best
friend), and a bunch of other people I know.
Friday night Helen, Stephanie, and I went to Columbus to visit T.J. and see his dorm at CSU,
he’s sharing a room with his best friend Rick.
So we talked with him a bit. Then
Helen and I left and went to the mall got something to eat. Helen spent the night with me because I don’t
have a curfew and she wanted to go to a party with her boyfriend Brad. So we went to the party and of course we
didn’t know anyone but Brandon, but we still had tons of fun. I ended up hooking up with this guy named
Joey. We just made out a few times. It was still pretty fun, doing that and not
having to worry about what other people will think because I will probably
never see any of them ever again. Joey was
a really good kisser too; and he has a really nice car! I feel a bit bad ‘cause of Kasey, but we
aren’t actually together so I really shouldn’t, but I do.
Entry 666
9-18-01
Well it’s been
a week since the terrible tragedy occurred.
At first I couldn’t write about it, I did not even want to hear about
it, think about it. Even now I sit in a
classroom trying desperately not to listen to the news because I’m sick of
it. I don’t want to see repeated images
of the buildings falling of seeing all the people hurt or dead. I wish our teacher would turn off the
T.V. Overall, this tragedy has done some
good. It has brought our country back together
filled it with patriotism, help us reunite.
This is the first time my generation has experienced anything like
this. It has effected
us all in such a way that we finally realize how lucky we are to live in such a
liberated country. We finally comprehend
what it means to be an American. It has
created a new appreciation and pride among each and every citizen mature and
old enough to comprehend what has happened.
Now all I want is to stop hearing about it, unless there is new
information, but I can’t stand to hear the same things over and over, and to
continuously see those horrifying images.
I can’t stand this, I hate these people, Max
and Ricky are jackasses. I want to go
home. I don’t want to sit here and even
deal with it. I don’t want to have to
defend myself by every statement, every word, every sound
that slips out of my mouth. I have to
hold it back. I keep telling myself over
and over to hold it back. Don’t let
these people get to you. Don’t reveal
yourself to them. Don’t even bother to
speak…don’t even bother with caring. If
you show they get to you, then obviously they succeed. I will not let these people get the best of
me. Once again I feel the need to just
disappear. I almost wish I was back in Europe; I just want to get away from all
these people: from being criticized and judged.
Not a single person understands or even wants to. WHO
CARES!! I like Kasey so much
it’s not even funny. Although
lately he has been doing a lot to piss me off.
Entry 667
10-8-01
So um yeh okay…Kasey
doesn’t like me, why because he’s a guy and for a guy which I like to actually
like me is virtually impossible. On the
other hand college is getting closer and closer. I’m sitting here at the park with an awesome
view of the lake and a duck standing right next to where I am sitting. It’s quite interesting to watch it. I know it wants some crackers, but I have
none, I wish I did. I don’t think I will
be going to Columbus because there are way too many people I know who are
going there. I’m thinking possibly
Mercer assuming I can get in. I really
need to buckle down on sending in more college applications. That is definitely becoming a must now. Plus if I want to go to a big school then I
better hurry so I will get accepted sooner.
Well, it’s time for me to leave, unfortunately because I really wish I
had time to write more because it helps me much more each day. I guess I will try to start writing more it’s
just trying to get the time.
Entry 668
11-8-01
Okay well a lot
of shit has changed since I last wrote.
Now I am dating this guy Chad, we have been together for like four
weeks this Sunday. We got a hotel room
and spent the night together last Saturday, we have been doing “things”
together ever since the second night we did something. He has come over to my house twice in the
morning after my Mom and Dad have left to go to work. Spending so much time with him has caused a
major loss of sleep making me tired all the time. Therefore I sleep every time I get a chance
causing me to majorly fall behind in my studies. School gets more and more difficult every
day. I am exhausted. I wish I didn’t work at Winn-Dixie
either. That is how I met Chad by the way. He is Christen’s brother, who is the fine-ass
19 year old manager that works there. Chad would come up there every now and then
to see Christen and well ya know things just happened between us. Here’s the problems
he has a four year old kid, he is in the process of getting a divorce, which
still isn’t final, but they are legally separated. Another problem: he started telling me he
loved me less than two weeks after we started dating. I mean I still don’t even know him
yet?!?! I am trying to get to know
him. I know for a fact we will never be
“together” and he is telling me all this shit like, “When we get married, blah
blah…,” and I am like I don’t even think so…I am just tried of all this crap in
the first place. I really don’t even
have time for a freaking relationship.
Honestly I mean I may care about him, but really I am only with him
because I know I can get some whenever I want.
I know I really sound like a guy by saying that, but it is basically the
truth. I still have never “gone” but
whatever. I am just so sleepy. I could sleep until like three in the
afternoon if allowed. I really don’t
even feel like leaving yet, but I know I need to, plus I am thirsty as
everything, but then again I always am.
All I will probably do is go home lay on my ass until Chad calls then get up and go meet him.
Entry 669
12-13-01
Well Chad turned out to be a huge liar, and he
cheated on me. He still wants to be with
me, but I could personally care less.
All I really care about right now is my Calculus test. I didn’t even care about him, I mean yeh, I
liked him a lot. It is just that I don’t
know…I know I didn’t love him even though we did do stuff that’s all it was,
was stuff. I realize that sounds
terrible, but we all make mistakes. I
even went and got on birth control for him, which was kind of pointless because
he started cheating on me the next day.
Personally I’m almost afraid I’m not capable of loving anyone. I just have this huge numb emotional
feeling. It is a bit scary. Monday is my last day of school before Christmas
break. Then I will start my last
semester of high school. I will not see
anyone from Callaway until graduation, and that really does depress me! All of this is so surreal, me being a Senior,
going to college while in high school. I
just can’t believe it is so close to being over. It is so sad, but yet at the same time
exciting. Maybe at college I will
finally find a decent respectable guy who doesn’t lie. I need to hurry up and mail off my transcript
to Mercer. I hate being such a
procrastinator. I wish I wasn’t so tired
all the time. Mel is coming to see us
this weekend, he is bringing his girlfriend Beth. I am so happy he has found someone he is
happy with. He really does deserve
it. I can’t wait to go see Kathy over Christmas
break! I am so excited! I miss Keith and Kathy so much! She already has so much planned and I am
really looking forward to it. She even
made an appointment for us to get a facial. I leave the day after Christmas;
fly by myself (which I am really worried about since the September 11th
attacks). On the way there I stop in Dallas, then I have like an hour and a half in-between. Then on the way home it is a straight flight
no stops. I need to hurry up and get
ready for work now since I am supposed to go in at three and it is 2:38, I hope
my clothes are dry, and I really hope Kasey’s working (yes, I still like him).