Journal Five
Entry 611
Sam’s not here
today, maybe it’s better when he isn’t.
I am beginning to believe I’m actually pretty much over him. For some reason my mind seems a lot more at
ease without him here, I can’t really explain it; we don’t ever talk
anymore. Somewhat odd
how we used to be the center of each other’s lives. Now when I look back it seems as if we were
in some alternate universe. I just feel
so much calmer when he’s not around.
I’ve been contemplating over whether or not I should invite him to my
and Helen’s B-day party. Of course what
would be the point, since even if he wanted to go his Dad wouldn’t let him anyways. He claims
he’s not allowed to talk to me now, but I have trouble believing that one. Mainly because within the past week or two I
have called him at least twice and both times his Dad let him talk to me. Plus that’s absolutely no excuse for all the
mean letters he’s written me, that have contained the most harmful and hateful
words toward me. I don’t know what to
think or believe when it comes to him anymore.
At first I wanted to keep him in my life, and stay friends, then when the possibility of us getting back together came
up I was so happy and thought it would all work out and we would go back to
normal. Only I guess it didn’t go that
way. I now realize that there is nothing
that you can consider normal because whether you see it or not every day and
probably second something changes about you, your life, and the world. I tend to day dream a lot, especially in
school. On days when I’m in this kind of
mood, I like to distance myself from everyone and just do some deep
thinking. I keep dreaming of past
memories involving Sam. I wish they
would stop because it causes me to think about him and I’m trying to avoid that
because these days every time my mind drifts off to the subject of him I tend
to not really be depressed, but just gloomy I guess. I will always love him because he is my first
true love and whether or not he admits it I know he will too because I was the
same to him. I still feel a little pang
in my heart every time someone mentions his girlfriend (Julie) around me, but I
know it will just take time. Already
it’s been around 3 months since we have broken up and within that time we went
from loving each other to friends, now not even acknowledging each other. Sometimes I believe it’s easier for me and
him for us to just go by without even glancing the others’ way, but when it
comes down to it I really do miss having him in my life. I guess either way, I will
have to be strong and this time I know I will handle it, and come out
okay!
Entry 612
Once again I
find myself putting on an act of being happy to benefit others. Right now I feel like I’m even trying to
convince myself that I’m happy. I can’t
let myself wallow in depression anymore, though. I mean the only result of that were wasted
tears, a pathetic suicide attempt, and a hell of a hangover! I’m so worried about my Mom, she has
pneumonia. That’s really not good when
you take into consideration her heart condition. I guess many of my friends don’t seem to
realize how serious this is. When I try
to tell them I feel stupid, because I get the impression they think I’m
worrying over nothing. Right now I feel
sick and so tired. I don’t know why I
have this need to pretend I’m happy all the time. It’s just people like Max start nagging me if
I’m not and he says things like, “Stop so depressed, what’s wrong with
you?” I dunno, I’m hopefully supposed to
be going to the movies with Helen and whoever else tonight. Then I’m probably going over to Helen’s house
and spending Saturday night there, so we can plan out our B-day party. They’re still some people I’m not positive if
I wanna invite, like Dave,
Entry 613
Sunday (
Somewhere along
the line during the transition from Middle School to High school relationships
took on a whole new meaning. A crush was
no longer known as a little school-girl crush; now it’s
liking a person a lot.
Relationships are either short-term and non-emotional, or long-term and
serious. Either them can’t be by itself
it always has the other with it. And
somewhere along the lines a lot of us were introduced to this new emotion
called love. It’s funny how one emotion
can cause you to be jumping for joy, but also at times cause so much pain, that
it can make you not want to live anymore.
It was like in Middle School all we used to look forward to was being in High School, being able to drive, having this
so-called freedom….ya know? Now in a
couple of months I’ll only have 2 years of school left. I dunno…I don’t really know when or how I grew
up, I guess it just happened. I know a
lot of it had to do with Sam. All the
experiences I had with him, I learned something during the relationship I
matured and stopped showing that childlike side of me he was attracted
too. I guest that’s one of the reasons I
believe we didn’t work out. I can see
now it wasn’t his Dad’s entire fault, there were ways we could have gotten
around it, but I guess our love just wasn’t as strong as we thought. He’s so important to me, but I don’t know if
I really want to be friends with him right now, not because of my feelings
‘cause I’m past all that, but more because it’s easier for me, although I feel
no awkwardness there whenever we talk, he says he does. I guess I was able to recover faster than he
was. I sent Max an email earlier today
telling him that I have and interest in him and if he wants to make anything
out of it, then go ahead, if not that’s fine too. Personally, right now I’m more interested in Tray. He sent me an email the other day and told me
he’d try and call me soon, he’s just been so busy with doing other things. I thought it was sweet that he emailed
me. Helen and I are passing out
invitations tomorrow to our B-day party.
We’re inviting about 36 people. I
know of 5 that aren’t coming already. We’re
having it at my house on Feb. 19th,
Entry 614
Yesterday was
Anna’s B-day. I made sure I called her
and wished her a happy one. I wish I had
stayed home and done nothing but lay around and do a lot of deep thinking. I really need to go to the gym and work out
some more. I feel like I’m fooling
myself and everyone else by my little happy and hyper “act”. The only thing that’s not being fooled is my
heart. I now have gotten back to the
point of where I have the need to be happy, and if I’m not then people are
going to question it. Or if I’m not
exactly smiling for a few days then certain others will begin to make fun of
me, and call me depressed, in particularly, Max.
Entry 615
A few weeks or
maybe a few months ago when I went back to writing in a journal, I was highly
upset, depressed, and in more pain than ever.
Then after about two months passed I believed I had gotten past all that
pain, but more importantly got over Sam.
Now this past week I have come to so many new conclusions. I am still in love with Sam. I think a lot about how I acted around him,
while we were going out. Majority of the
time I acted real playful, and innocent-like.
I covered up my seriousness by this air headed childlike image. I now think that that’s what attracted him to
me so much. Then once I tried to get out
of that him and all the rest of my friends continued to hold on to someone that
wasn’t real. That could and probably is one
of the main reasons Sam and I aren’t together.
All of my friends call me stupid and air headed. I know they’re just joking around, but it
still gets to me ya know? I guess that
argument I had with my Dad effected me a lot more than
I thought. I’m so stressed over my grade
in English I mean I’m supposed to be good in that class. My Dad told me I wasn’t smart enough to get
into college. I was trying to become
more serious and make people see that I really am mature, but they won’t let
me. It’s like I’m trapped inside who’s
not me. Now they all expect me to smile,
be hyper, and make everyone else cheer up.
I don’t really have anyone to boast my spirits up, so I feel really
crappy inside and all the people I have to tell either yell at me, and put me
down (my family), or they don’t really listen because they’re too busy asking
me for advice on things in their lives.
Maybe this is why I have started to miss Sam. He was the one I expressed all these emotions
to and he understood. If I were to go to
him now he wouldn’t be willing to listen.
He ran, just as everyone else has. Although he told me no matter how bad things
got he wouldn’t run from me, he did. He
told me I was too fucked up in the head, and he was sick of hearing me whine
about my problems. Maybe I deserved
that, probably did. There’s no one I
really trust enough to say this to. I
can’t open up to anyone else because that would be just one person to turn it
all against, betray, hurt, run from, and break me. At least that’s what every other important
person in my life has done to me. Do I
want to be alone? No!! It’s pretty sad, I’m not a doctor, but I can
diagnose myself with bipolar (manic) depression. It says in all the books that the main thing
a depressed person needs is support and love, which is something I really don’t
have. The main question that keeps going
through my mind is: Do I really miss Sam
or is it just me missing having someone there to listen, support, and comfort
me? The answer….I have no clue. I really want us to start talking again and
be friends, but I’m afraid to. I’m
afraid because I don’t wanna start liking him again, I don’t wanna have those
emotions for him again. Solely because
he hurt me, and there’s nothing he can do to repair those scars, the wounds he
left bleeding in my heart, by all those evil words he said to me. He’s apologized, and that’s all he can do,
but that doesn’t help anything. God
what’s wrong with me?? I don’t
understand myself anymore!!
Entry 616
Unfortunately
things have gotten worse. Not things
between Sam and me, but more the current situation with my Mom. She’s still smoking “stuff”, but she’s also
getting counseling for it. I know she
still is addicted and I guess I need to accept the fact she won’t quit until she’s
fully recovered and gotten through counseling.
I know my Dad still does it. He
probably thinks he’s gotten away with it.
I really hope they have enough consideration not to do it during mine
and Helen’s party Saturday. So far about
20 some odd people are coming to the party.
I’m so sleepy, but I’m also really concerned about my Mom. She just got over a bad case of pneumonia and
is still coughing really bad. She didn’t
go to work today because she’s supposed to go and have some tests done today to
find out why she’s still having these really bad coughing spells. Now I have all these “what ifs” running
through my head. This is almost the same
way she got put in the hospital last year when she had a blood clot in her
heart. One of my biggest concerns is if
what if some of the tests reveal she’s been smoking “stuff”. Then everybody will find out. What will I do then? At least last time or last year when both my
parents were in and out of the hospital I was with Sam, and he always knew
about that kind of stuff, since his Mom is a nurse. He would usually be able to help settle my
fears, and tell me what more than likely is wrong and what they’ll probably
look at and stuff. I really wanna ask
him about it because I’m so scared about what may happen, but I don’t know,
something’s keeping me from asking him.
I’m stressed over school more and more each day. I really need to get help in Biology because
I’m so lost in that class. Then again,
I’ve never been that good in Science.
Last year Sam helped me pass Physical Science. I would ask him if he’d help me out with
Biology, but I don’t think he’d be willing to do that.