For all the press that John Smith gets about having a common name, you probably have never met one. That name might have been the most popular one in the nineteenth century, but once phone books began printing and the Smith families saw there was a whole page of John Smiths, they all decided to name their kids Mike and Dave. The true most common names on earth are the Mike Smiths and Steve Bakers and Bob Millers of the world. They get no recognition for being common, so they continue to profligate.
Add to that list Sean Ryan. Ryan one of the most common last names among the Irish. And while Sean isn't that popular a name, it's very popular among the Irish: it reflects ethnicity, but not so much that it's goofy. Much better than Finbar. For Mexican families it's Jose and not Vicente; for Germans it's Kurt and not Helmut. The Jose Fernandezes and Kurt Schmidts of the world are in my boat.
The wedding was my cousin's, so 40% of the placement cards had RYAN written in calligraphy. My family mostly obeys the rule of not picking a name if another relation already claimed it. This, alas, doesn't apply to the 18 Melissas and Jennifers in my family, whose only hope of having names all to themselves is to marry immigrants from Poland and the Czech Republic whose names don't fit on their driver's licenses. And even that's not enough if they live in the Chicago area.
The good thing about my name is that I'm Googleproof. Punch my name up in Google, and you get dozens of pages before anything of mine shows up. I could be on trial for murder, and half an hour with Google wouldn't tell you that. (As it turns out, I AM on trial for murder. More on that later.)
The bad thing is that I'm Googleproof. I'm not ashamed of my life - maybe I should be, but that's another matter - and virtually no one can find me online. There are just too many other Seans crowded me down to the 17th 'O' on any Google search.
Here are just some of the other Sean Ryans I've made note of. They're in chronological order of when I came across them (alphabetical order would be a bit pointless). I have yet to meet a Shaun Ryan, or a girl with my name in any spelling.
Sean Ryan - Middle aged Australian oyster swigger. I saw a TV show in third grade or so where several people tried to become the champion oyster eater. They each poured plastic containers of oysters down their gullets like they were chugging milkshakes. One of the most revolting things I've ever seen, and I've seen Meet the Feebles. (Sean Ryan lost, by the way.) This opened my eyes to the fact that other Sean Ryans were out there, albeit it on other hemispheres.
Sean Ryan - A big redheaded eighth grader at St. John's in Green Bay when I was in fourth grade. This guy hit a little closer to home. I was surprised to run into him in Green Bay, since most of Wisconsin's population comes from German and Scandinavian stock, unlike New Jersey which is mostly Italian, Irish, Jewish, Puerto Rican, Macedonian ... For all of us Seans being Irish, he's the only redhead I've met in the bunch.
Sean Ryan - Riding a bike in one brief scene from In the Mouth of Madness, a good forgotten horror movie. This guy officially has claim to the Sean Ryan name as an actor. If I want to join the Screen Actors Guild, I'll to be one of those people who sticks a middle name or middle initial in their name. Sean D. Ryan, or S. Dennis Ryan, or SD the Entertainer. This curse strikes a lot of people with common names: I'm sure Samuel L. Jackson and Michael J. Fox would love to change their screen credits to Sam Jackson and Mike Fox, but guys from the silent era beat them to the punch.
Shawn Ryan - A guy I went to college with. This guy's got the British spelling of the name, which is phonetic , but if your last name's Ryan and you have the choice of giving your kids something British or something Irish, you're going to lean Irish. This guy liked bowling and GWAR, according to his web page. I got mail for him once, and went to his dorm to drop it off. I was expecting some pleasant commiserating conversation about having the same name, but he seemed utterly uninterested in it and closed the door in my face as soon as he got his letter. Maybe he had that conversation one too many times by then.
Shon Ryan - I've never met anyone who actually spells their name this way, but at least one guy exists on the Internet with this spelling (most of these other Seans will be encountered on the Internet). It's phonetic, but it looks positively Japanese. Why would anyone put an "O" in the name, aside from the crummy reason that you pronounce an "O"?
Sean Ryan - The British guy who bought www.seanryan.com several years ago, and to this date has not done anything with it. I accept that I'm not the first person who wants to stake their claim on the domain name. I just wish the person who got their flag there first would do something more than flag upkeep.
Sean Ryan - Dead on the beach in Normandy during D-Day. This is possibly the best-known Sean Ryan (after me, of course). He's a major plot point in Saving Private Ryan (and the only dead Ryan brother shown onscreen). I used the screen shot of him dead on the sand as my picture on a couple bulletin boards I post to. It's bugged me for a long time that I haven't been able to find a good Saving Private Ryan/Private Label pun. Many exist, but they all involve awkward explanations, like that one about the florist friars. I have thought about snatching up www.cavingprivateryan.com, but figure there's very little competition for that name.
Sean Ryan - Assistant Defensive Tackle for the Southeastern Iowa Screamin' Boll Weevils. OK, this one's fake, but whenever I ego-search myself on Google, I have to sift through pages and pages of Sean Ryans in sports programs and Organic Chemistry departments of colleges that list their entire sports and academic rosters online. Half the time it's not even a Sean Ryan, but Sean Someone listed next to Ryan Someone.
Sean Ryan - Irish folk singer. I probably should have expected this one. Half the time I'm on Amazon it's trying to sell me CDs from this guy. They see my name when I'm logged on and use it as a search parameter.
Sean Ryan - Controversial Irish political writer who many people in Ireland would like to keelhaul. I've never been to Ireland, but kind of hope there's a mix up and I get mistaken for that guy, then get involved in some local political feud. This would be the PG mix up movie, where it ends with me hugging everyone and peace sustaining in northern Ireland, rather than the R mix up movie where I'm alive on camera about four seconds before I'm mowed down.
Sean Ryan - Erotic hypnotist. If I could use the Ultimate Nullifier on one of these Sean Ryans, I'd pick this guy. He has a couple CDs out to
hypnotize listeners into being, uh,
Sean Ryan - CEO of Listen.com. I hope and pray to get one of this guy's paychecks in the mail. Just one teensy-weensy $48,000 check, that's all I want.
Sean Ryan - On trial for a murder in South Orange, the town I grew up in. This is that Seton Hall dorm fire that killed a few people. A few years after the horrible accident, there's an understandable but flimsy effort to hold someone responsible for it, and that someone is ... me. I don't go back to South Orange that much, but wonder how many restaurants I'll be thrown out of if I try paying with a credit card.
Shawn Ryan - Creator of the Shield, a great cop show on FX. Shawn's name flashes on the screen real quick at the end of the title credits with a scream, and spooked the hell out of me the first time I saw the show. If I ever need to bust down doors in Hollywood, I can theoretically do it without lying about my credentials.
"So, Mr. Snooty Hardass Gate Operator, do you know who produces the
Shield?"
"Of course, Shawn Ryan."
"And what does this driver's license say?"
"Sean Ryan."
"Very well. Can you open the gate now?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"You have different spellings."
"The DMV messed up. Can you open the gate now?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Shawn Ryan came in a couple hours ago. In his limo."
"Oh ... well, have you seen In the Mouth of Madness?"
"No."
"No one has. It's a good movie. Watch for the guy on the bike."
Sean Ryan - Someone with astigmatism in one eye who visits the eye doctor in Paramus. I went to the eye doctor's to get a new pair of contacts, and I had mentioned that I had been to this location before. They pulled "my" file, and begun setting the dials to "my" previous prescription. I couldn't see a thing. My eyes had drastically changed since I last visited, and any change in vision is usually for the worse. At this range of change, I might be blind by the time I walked back to the car. The frosted side of me was worried, but the mini-wheat side remembered that once I put my contacts back in I could see as well as I did before. I checked the address "I" was living in with the nurse, a very attractive young woman, and realized she had pulled the wrong file. She would have thought to look for multiple entries for a John Smith, but not a Sean Ryan. "No problem," I said "I get this all the time." Then I took out my pocket watch. "You are getting sleepy ..."