Mercury Topaz: R.I.P.

10/13/01: I owned a gray '90 Mercury Topaz for two years, and it gave me hell upon hell upon hell. Probably it was just a bad car, but it seemed cursed. I started a bit of my web page about how much it sucks, and I quickly had to limit posting every single little thing wrong with it because then the page would eat up all my life. I finally had it towed away to that salvage yard in the sky October 13, 2001, and property values in Jersey city doubled. Rest in peace, you horrid metal turd.


9/06/01: I called the mechanic, and he said the car's fuel shutoff switch had gone. Crap on a stick. That's just a switch in the trunk, and I could have thrown that if I thought about it. He didn't charge anything for it, so that was nice.

He said the car picked up a lot of engine damage via that collision in July, which was rearing its expensive head now. I already knew the car had more body damage on it than what I paid for it two years ago, so the plan was to drive it until it broke. The mechanic said it was unsafe to drive and wouldn't advise driving it, but said I could pick it up if I really wanted.

Like a moron, I did pick it up. I wanted it in my parking spot. From there I could clear out all my junk from the trunk, shop around for another car, and use it if I really needed to go somewhere. It started right away.

Two and a half miles later, it stopped in mid-acceleration, just like yesterday. I was on 280 this time, so I rolled onto the shoulder. A tow truck was immediately on me, with some foreign guy looking over the car. (Not sure of the nationality, but he kept on calling me 'my friend' which is a big red flag that English isn't your first language). He was AAA affiliated, but since I hadn't called AAA yet, I'd have to pay for his tow. Every other line out of his mouth was about how fine a car had, and how he'd be happy to fix it for me. I said it was dead and I was confident that I didn't want it fixed, but he was practically pushing me into traffic with his insistance that this was a fine car that just needed some fixing. I offered to sell it to him. "Why would I wat it? It's a broken car," he said back. I said I was just going to call AAA. He said they'd never come to pick me up. Based on last year's 280 AAA experience, I believed him, but if he was affiliated, this might have been a threat.

I went up the road and called AAA nonetheless. Had to scale a chain link fence and drop down into residential Newark. The sun went down as I was placing the call, and Newark suddenly became a wee bit scary. I dropped down the fence to my car, told the cop parked by it that it wasn't abandoned and I had just called AAA, and he left.

Two hours later, a tow truck finally shows up. AAA is an hour early from last year. Actually, they're not; this is some other enterprising guy who just stops by every car on the highway. He said I could file with AAA for recompensation, and I didn't feel like spending all of a second night involved with this car, so I took him up on it.

I called AAA for recompensation papers, and they never came. There's a very short expiration date on when you can file for tow reimbursement, so I'm out $75 now. The final $75 I'll ever spend on the car.


9/05/01: Less than a week after I write how my car is ugly but won't die, it dies. Right when I'm driving home, it just conks out as I coast to a red light. Takes another two lights and the help of a samaritan on the sidewalk to push it out of the lane. As a gentleman stuck behind me said after he got stuck behind me for two lights, "You suck!" I concurred.

I called AAA, and they took an hour and a half to arrive. This is great time, based on my previous AAA experience. The driver had a new type of tow truck: the front wheels are lifted by two skinny metal poles, and that's it. No securing: the car is held onto the poles by gravity. I was full expecting the car to hop off it and careen into something concrete, but I sorta wanted to see that, to give my car a grand finale.

AAA's not allowed to drop me back off at home, so I was stuck in Millburn, far away from Jersey City. I didn't have anyone's phone numbers on me, and I couldn't even call Jeff, since he had just moved and the new place was getting its phone turned on tomorrow. The tow guy was able to drop me at the Millburn train station. I took a train into Hoboken, and got on the PATH back home.


8/29/01: The 19 things wrong with my car.
8/15/01: I just put close to $300 in the stinkbox car, after the alternator collapsed on me. Luckily I had just pulled into a Sears center to get it looked at. My car's had so much experience dying, it knows just where to do it.
7/14/01: I don't feel like typing up a big detailed version of what happened. Basically, I got in an accident going to a wedding, everyone's OK but the left side of my car's bashed to hell, and the tow cost me over $300 even though I have AAA and there's nothing wrong with the engine to fix. The body damage is unquestionably more than the value of the car, so it's not worth fixing it. So I'm drive in the world's crappiest car. No upside to this, folks, except that no one got hurt in the accident.


7/1/01: Despite all probabilities, my car has made it to 100,000 miles. Tom Riles and his cousin Jason were in the car as witnesses, coming back from a Mixed Signal practice. There's hope in the world yet.


6/09/01: At least it happened in a nice town this time.


5/6/01: My car just got out of the shop, after two weeks of being in there. The gas mileage was really low so I got a tune up. I also found out my right wheel bearing was bad, or something like that (I trust the mechanic, so I can happily faze out during the details of the repair). Between that and the tune up it was about $450, which hurts but I could be paying that per month if I was driving a new car. The gas mileage is right back where it should be now.

The fixing only took a day or two. The rest of the time was me, driving the beat to death minivan borrowed from Dad, trying to coordinate a way to get to the mechanic's while getting the minivan back to Dad. When i finally got it, it had been parked under a tree for a week, so it was coated with pollen. That was follwed by two weeks of no rain, so it looked glowing.


3/24/01: I pilfered the other extra tire off of Jeff, got it on my rim, and am now driving on four non-punctured tires.
3/23/01: I got a ten buck gas station oil change in Fort Lee. They were nice enough people, but they put the oil filter in incorrectly. Half the oil they poured in had leaked out by the time I got in my car. By the time I backed up ten feet to leave the garage, the other half had leaked out. They ran over, dumped twenty pounds of kitty litter to absorb it, and had to pour four more quarts in my engine. Considering this only cost ten bucks, they probably lost money on me. One of them did point out that I had been driving with a screw in my back left tire, and probably had been for a few months now. Eek.


3/22/01: There�s three vehicles with flashing lights on when I pull into the parking lot at work, so I know something�s up. There�s a crowd at the elevator bank, where several firemen are. There�s a small electrical fire somewhere, and the whole building�s shut down. I had planned to do private label shopping today, so this wasn�t any sort of hamper to my plans, until the fire hose got dragged across the parking ramp, blocking all the cars from leaving without running over the hose. Followed by a firetruck, blocking off the ramp completely.

Some people were concerned with abandoning their cars to a building that was technically on fire. I just saw it as an inconvenience. After half an hour, the hose got rolled up and the truck backed up enough for the lot cars to get out. So I went private label shopping.

I don�t know if this day will count as a sick day for everyone (in which case I save my sick day by working) or if it�s a free day for everyone (in which case I just screwed myself out of a free day off).


3/14/01: I�m on the Cross Bronx Expressway (my personal favorite oxymoron) in the right hand lane. All of a sudden, the car in front of me darts left a lane, and I see an orange traffic barrel in my way. It�s severely dented, so it got run over by someone and is now just a big piece of junk in the road. There�s a car in the lane to the left of me, no shoulder, and a car riding my bumper, so I brake sow enough so I don�t get rear ended, and try to come to a complete stop before hitting this thing. I fail. At ten MPH, I hit it, and it disappears under my bumper.

I�m at a complete stop now (the car behind me was able to go left a lane, as are everyone behind him currently) so I get out and check for the barrel. It�s not under the bumper. Is it caught way underneath? Nope, it�s just along the side of the car. It got pushed to the side once it left my view. I pick it up and throw it on a three foot concrete riser the Cross Bronx has instead of shoulders. It only weighs five or ten pounds. I then spend close to two minutes trying to get back in my car without getting run over.


1/9/01: My right front right went in a monster pot hole this morning, and almost didn't come out. A few blocks later, I stopped at a red and got out, just in case the tire had gone flat. Sure enough, it did. It took me five more blocks before I could find a spot to stop that wasn't a wrong way street or a parking spot buried in snow.

I ended up in a parking lot for a Hostess store and a laundromat which was closed. I got the jack out, but it was icy so the jack was sliding out and dropped the wheel back on the ground. Getting the lugs off the wheel threatened to drop the car back on the ground, and once it actually did. The third time I jacked the car up I kept it balanced long enough to get the flat tire off. But not long enough to get the donut on. The jack slowly bent sideways, and the car came to a rest on the brake pad.

Two or three bad jacks later, I realized the jack was bent and broken, so I gave up and called AAA. The pay phone had a slick layer of ice underneath it, and came in at only ten decibels. The first time I called (after five minutes of waiting on hold) I got cut off. The second time I called (after another five minutes of waiting on hold) I got all the information in, and went into the Hostess store for the quoted 90 minute wait. Two minutes later, a tow truck pulls in. It's the guy from the first call, who was working off the limited information I gave before being cut off and only knew there was some car broken down on 50th and Kennedy.

It all worked out well from there. He gave me a quick jack, I got the donut on, and I was on my way to work after a mere hour delay. My brother had two extra tires in his trunk and he works by me, so I pilfered one of them. I went to a tire shop and got them to put that tire on my rim.

My hubcap, the one the tow place gave me, is still missing, eaten by the pothole.


12/31/00: Yesterday there was a blizzard, which dumped over a foot of snow. I wisely decided to drive all the hell over the state. I plowed into two snowbanks on the 30th (technically the same snowbank twice) and ran aground on top of what looked like a soft snowbank on the 31st. Amazingly, there was no damage to the car.

However, my brother's car hit some black ice a few weeks ago and got the axle bent back a bit. So the car of choice for any group venture is mine, so it'll be in the line of fire more often, and thus more likely to fulfill its crumpled antifreeze-leaking destiny.


10/30/00: The luggage rack popped off the trunk on the way home. It was always hanging on by two stripped screws, but it was also glued to the trunk. Until last week, it was also glued to the trunk, but the glue came loose, so it became the sole job of the screws. Coming back from work today, the car hit one too many potholes and a screw came loose. The bar swung over and down, like a broken rain gutter. The car behind me flashed his lights: otherwise I wouldn't know and could have accidentally gouged some pedestrian. I pulled over, took the other screw out, and threw the rack in the back seat with the 100 pounds of other assorted junk that will never leave.


10/26/00: Summing up the past month real quick here. The tow truck place repaired all the damage for the car, for free. They also fized the alternator, which was why I was getting the tow to begin with, and threw a hubcap on the wheel that's been bare since I got it.

Two weeks after that, my car wouldn't start. Exact same problem as a month ago, but this time it wouldn't take a charge from Jeff's car. I called AAA, and once again, a quick jump from the superjumper surprised me by starting it up. I was able to bring it to the mechanic's from there, where it turns out that I've got a bad battery. Huh? Well, you get a battery at cost, this is what it costs you. A little money thrown at it, the third battery in a month for the car, and it's starting again.


9/28/00: Heh heh heh. Read this and be glad it's not your life.
9/23/00: I come back from the movies yesterday, and Jeff upstairs left a note on the door saying he installed the new battery in my car. He was able to get a deal on one, so my car will start without alligator clamps now. It's good to know a mechanic.


9/6/00: I park in a loading dock of an Edwards on the way home, since there's no other spots (parking's not a good part of this particular Edwards) and three other cars are there. I stay in the car ten minutes or so because Opie and Anthony are talking about Battle Bots, some show where homemade robots kill each other. Two hours later (it takes me a long time to food shop) I load everything in the trunk, turn the key, and get absolutely nothing. The lights and the radio work fine, so it's not the battery. The starter just konked out.

40% of what I bought was frozen, so I've got a very small window of operating here. After a minute of comtemplating, I run/walk exhaustedly home. It's only a mile or so, and ideally Jeff will be there with his car, since he's staying with me and he's due home any time now. I get in just in time to hear the end of Jeff's message saying he's trapped at work for at least an hour. Nertz.

So I go to my neighbor upstairs, who also happens to be a Jeff, and ask if he can give me a ride over. While he gets his shoes, I talk with his three year old son, who is yet another Jeff. He drives me over there and checks out the engine. He's a mechanic, and says it probably the cylandrain or something. Part of the starter motor. I load his trunk with soggy but not yet leaking bags, and dump them in . We driv ehom, he telling me about his Trans Am dashboard catching fire once while the electric locks and windows fritzed out. He had to bust a window with a baseball bat to get out.

Jeff my brother shows up just as I'm bringing the food into the kitchen, and we somehow manage to get all but two frozen boxes into the freezer. We eat the castaway Hot Pockets and chicken nuggets. I call AAA, using my card for the first time, and someone calls a few mintues later saying he'll meet me there.

Jeff and I go to the Edwards, and see a large tow truck idling right by my car. I consider the possibilities that this isn't my tow truck but an Edwards truck hauling my car's ass out of the loading dock, but it's the AAA guy (who wasn't named Jeff, but should have). He take a quick look and says it's my battery. I turn on my lights and radio to show it's working fine. He gives me a little jump, the cars starts right up, and I'm proved wrong. I drive it home, leave it revving for a minute or two to charge the battery, turn it off and experimentally on, and it doesn't start. But now I know all it needs it a jump.

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