New Jersey Liff

Berriwillock:

an unknown workmate who writes "All the best" on your leaving card.

Ely:

the first, tiniest inkling that something, somewhere, has gone horribly wrong.

Halifax:

the green synthetic astroturf on which greengrocers display their vegetables.

Hove:

Descriptive of the expression on the face of a person in the presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long time.

Stibbard:

the invisible brake pedal on the passenger side of a car.

Absecon:

an annual conference held at the Dragonara Hotel, Leeds, for people who haven't got any other conferences to go to.

Delaware:

the hideous stuff on the shelf of a rented house.

Kenilworth:

a measure. Defined as that proportion of a menu which the waiter speaks that you can actually remember.

Adelphia:

the feeling that you're the alternate reality nightmare in a world gone horribly wrong, and if something inconsequential like buying a pack of gum was done five years ago you've have a much better life.

Albion:

computerized telemarketing call that ties up your phone line for several minutes with a tape recording for a new mortgage or long distance company.

Aldine:

the stale opened package of fish sticks that will never ever leave the back of your freezer.

Almonesson:

ads that show how much a particular cleaning solution kill bacteria by using a microscopic comparison of it vs. another cleaner, which through truth in advertising have to sneak a few live bacteria in a corner, where they hope you won't notice them.

Alloway:

taking your bra off while leaving your shirt on.

Asbury Park:

a huge building by the highway held over its parking lot by two tiny cement pillars.

Awosting:

temporarily slowing ten miles an hour for a stop sign.

Barnegat:

the antiseptic smell of hospitals and freshly cleaned bathrooms.

Barnegat Light:

the same smell, only not so heavy.

Barnegat Pines:

the same smell, in pine.

Batsto:

foreign food you've never had the guts to order.

Bedminster:

whoever has first choice of which side of the bed they sleep on.

Boonton:

wishing to be fired so you don't have to quit your job just because you don't like it.

Bradevelt:

the slight feeling of immaturity that comes with sitting on your hands to warm them, which is always overcome because your hands get warm in the process.

Brigantine:

an individual dandruff flake.

Buckshutem:

the last words a trespasser in West Virginia hears.

Bunnvale:

a quiet corner of a party where you can secretly pass gas and have no one notice.

Buttzville:

A Bunnvale that someone else walks into, pauses for a second, then tries to pretend they didn't notice anything.

Byram:

the small hole in a favorite shirt or pants you hope no one will notice.

Cardiff:

a pair of socks that don't match, but since the official matches of both were lost, are worn together now.

Cecil:

a small intestinal gurgle you think can be heard for miles around.

Chatsworth:

calculating how long your phone call is costing you.

Cheesequake:

a very rare occurrence when someone unloading cheese in a refrigerated warehouse in the summer opens the back door of a truck filled with 25 kilo globes of romano in square boxes. The cheese is loaded to the very edge of the truck, and the loading dock is slanted down, so the entire first row of boxes fall onto the corner below the loading dock where the truck's back wheels are. The unloaders have to leave the relative comfort of their 40 degree warehouse, for which they're dressed, to the 95 degree heat of outside, to move the boxes up to the dock level. Not to mention the sun's beating down on them and they're breathing truck exhaust.

Cinnaminson:

the combination of spices, milk, whipped cream, foam, chopped nuts, liquor and chocolate shavings in your coffee that makes it about 7% coffee.

Cohansey:

the ratio of an official serving size of cereal to the rickety mountain that actually gets poured in a bowl; about 1:4.

Croton:

someone who mangles paper clips out of boredom.

Delanco:

someone from high school you keep on running into despite never really knowing them in high school in the first place.

Dutch Neck:

the turtleneck you only wear after getting a hickey.

Egg Harbor:

top shelf in the door of the refrigerator with 14 egg holes that gets used for the extra stick of butter.

Erial:

that gasp after you drink a big glass of water without breathing.

Etra:

the endless pause when giving someone a phone number over the phone when you don't know if they're still writing down the numbers you just gave them or are waiting for new numbers.

Ewan:

brown snow hanging from the bottom of a car.

Fortescue:

worthlessly rearranging rabbit ears to achieve the nonexistent position in which every station will come in clearly.

Foul Rift:

the half inch of space under the refrigerator.

Gandys Beach:

the Indian neighborhood of Chicago.

Glen Gardner:

a friend of a friend you never actually meet but hear an ungodly amount of stories about.

Grenloch:

coming to a complete stop at a green light because the car in front of you is making a left turn.

Goshen:

seeing the moon at three in the afternoon.

Harlingen:

a thirteen year old girl dressed like a prostitute.

Harvey Cedars:

the little imagniary man who runs through the landscape you're looking at in a moving car window.

Hazlet:

whatever you temporarily put on your nightstand and stays there for three years.

Helmetta:

the plastic snap strap on the back of a baseball cap.

Ho-ho-cus:

a poorly executed magic trick.

Holgate:

wishing you had a witness at this particular moment of your life because this is exactly what always happens to you.

Hopatcong:

wearing camoflague clothing without ever having been in the military.

Ironia:

the novelty book you read entirely in the bookstore, thus quenching your curiosity to buy it.

Kenvil:

a horrible conversation between two people who think they're funny. One of them will accidentally bring up a 'wacky' topic: "Hey, what if vampires could drink only lime rickeys?" Then both parties regrettably extrapolate every possible angle of this topic: "They'd hang out at all-night juice bars,", "They'd suck the blood of the English Navy,", "When you get bit you become immune to scurvy" and so on. Neither party enjoys this in the least; the sole motivation is to prove to the other person that you're funny while never laughing at a damn thing the other person says.

Larison's Corner:

a sitcom no one ever watches but which makes it to syndication, where people again don't watch it.

Lodi:

any superstition about driving past a graveyard that involves holding your breath, closing your eyes, making a wish or some other soul-saving maneuver.

Loveladies:

inflatable balloons in the shape of women that are hopefully used for novelty purposes only.

Lower Squankum:

a chair squeak that you hope everyone will realize came from the chair.

Little Egg Harbor:

an Egg Harbor on a mini fridge (see Egg Harbor).

Mahwah:

someone who peeks at all the pictures in their calendar as soon as they get it. (see Rahwah)

Mantoloking:

counting your money along with the bank teller, just in case she's planning on shortchanging you.

Mantua:

a surprisingly large intact potato chip hidden at the bottom of the bag with the crumbs.

Manunkachunk:

pinkish ice cream with gelatinous bits of unknown substance hidden in the fogged up corner of the Baskin Robbins counter window.

McAfee:

the charge from using an ATM.

Metedeconk:

the feeling of shame when someone else looks at your CD collection.

Milmay:

the discarded bag of red licorice that's found five aisles away from candy.

Mizpah:

the throwaway bit that you put in to hopefully end an unwanted conversation, but which only generates more unwanted conversation. "So I guess I'll see you next week." "Next week! Hey, I've got a dental appointment next week. You should hear about my dental history. OK, first you'll need to know my grandmother's teeth ..."

Mullica Hill:

a particularly steep set of stairs.

Naugright:

potentially spoiled food that gets left in the refrigerator until it's definitely spoiled, thus alleviating any guilt from throwing away good food.

Nesco:

the idea for opening a restaurant or becoming a fashion designer that you'll plan to dedicate your life to until you forget about it twenty minutes later.

Neshanic:

someone who robs you blind by continually borrowing 60 cents at a time.

Nutley:

what no one would ever think to buy for themselves, but believe others would like; i.e. giant pencils or dancing soda cans.

Olivet:

a book or movie you just read or saw last month but can't remember a damned thing about.

Oradell:

the symbols above the number keys on a keyboard.

Palmyra:

the ability to see virtually anything as a smiley face.

Parsippany:

the varying average time among any group of people to consume one drink.

Pennsauken:

the split second after you see an exact copy of your car on the road and wonder if someone's stolen it but before you realize that you're driving that car already.

Penny Pot:

the "leave a penny, take a penny" bowl you've never left a penny at.

Pequannock:

the perpetual fear that someone will expose you for the idiot you are.

Pinewald:

fake wood paneling that goes up in a basement.

Piscataway:

the 95% of all possessions which aren't worth saving but are too important to throw out.

Pluckemin:

a pet that goes through five different names and never responds to any of them.

Plumbsock:

a movie billed as a comedy which doesn't even attempt a single joke.

Rahwah:

someone who refuses to peek at any of the pictures in their calendar until the first of that particular month. (see Mahwah)

Rancocas:

old women who say "marvelous" too much.

Repaupo:

a small sensation of accomplishment you feel at work that's impossible to share because the description of what you did to get that sensation will bore the pants off anyone listening.

Ringoes:

the corners of carpets that vacuums can't get to and are filled with dust and toenail clippings.

Roebling:

walking to the kitchen for reasons you've forgotton by the time you've got there.

Rosenhayn:

getting ten hours of sleep but feeling like two.

Runnemede:

the last half inch in the keg.

Sea Girt:

small fish responsible for loading your bathing suit and shoes with sand.

Secaucus:

20 front yard signs in a row for a local politician. Usually followed by a Secaucus for the other candidate.

South Orange:

where the seeds on a naval orange are.

Succasunna:

the deadly thought of wondering what the moment of falling asleep feels like, which is only thought of when trying to fall asleep, and which guarantees you'll be up for at least another half hour.

Swainton:

the relief that no one saw you make a total ass out of yourself.

Tenafly:

gigantic unidentified winged insect that sneaks into your house or car, usually when company is over.

Towaco:

anonymous business on the side of a highway with a dirty trailer, three junked cars, and a chain link fence topped with barbed wire to guard the trailer and cars.

Tuckahoe:

the book you will never read but plan on reading some time next month.

Ventnor City:

the argument over whose homemade rules for Free Parking and taxes will be used in Monopoly.

Wanamassa:

the annoying person who never picks up that you're talking to him sheerly out of pity.

Wenoah:

a song you like but would never publicly admit to.

Weymouth:

envelopes with clear windows in them that may or may not be recyclable.

Wickatunk:

spending several minutes retrieving a single staple tangled in a carpet.

Whippany:

immeasurable guilt over something that causes no grief to anyone.

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