"Why did you just say that?" Jill asked. "I've been here watching those crapfests with you the past ten and a half hours. How could I not know that?"
"I just thought it should be said. After all, since we've been together these past few weeks, I think we should express our thoughts more often."
"Why'd you say that again? You say that every twenty minutes!"
Charlie got up from his bean bag chair. "Michael Winslow never quite got over being typecast as that sound guy. Of course, it's not like he's got anything else going for him."
Dot staggered to her feet. "I'm numb all over. My mind shut off midway through 3 and I was in a coma ever since. I'm too smart for these movies. Actually, I'm too smart for most of the world's entertainment. I'd explain why, but I'm too smart for you."
Charlie went into his room. "I'm going to go in my room, close the door, and masturbate vigorously. I love looking at naked women," he leaned in, "and occasionally naked men." Charlie went into his room and closed the door. Jill heard a slapping sound.
Dot walked into the hallway. "I'm going to go back to me room and fantasize about a MENSA member saving me from the non-intellectual hell of my life. He'll look like Billy Zane tonight."
"You know," Jack said, "life is nothing like movies. Movies have all sorts of sex and violence going on. In our lives, we'd be lucky to get a quarter of that. The sex, I mean, not the violence."
"Well, fiction's more entertaining. God, if we were some fiction serial we must be boring the pants off of whoever's reading it."
"And everyone's more confident in movies," Jack continued. "If I was a movie hero with one bullet left, and there was some terrorist holding you hostage, I'd know that I'd be able to pick the guy off. I'd have a few seconds of squinting and sweaty palms, but I'd do it.
"It's because the good guys always win. If I knew I was the good guy, and I was bound to have a happy ending, I'd be so confident! I'd be able to fight off every henchman he throws at me, except for the one big European guy who puts me in some sort of deathtrap, but I'll escape that and kill him in some cool way. Like impale him on some sculpture.
"And if this was a movie," he grinned, "I'd have been having sex with you for a long time now."
"Huh? Sex?"
"Yeah, sex. You know, me putting my hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha."
This was a little weird, Jill thought. "You don't normally talk like this."
"Well, I decided that I'm tired of just sitting around all year waiting for you to make up your mind about me."
"Sorry, but I didn't make the conscious decision to get together with you. It just sort of happened."
Jack closed the door. "Well, I don't know if you're up for sex," he smiled and dropped his pants, "but I'm sure up for it."
Jill looked at his erect member, poking out through his underwear. "Jeez, I didn't know you were, so, uh -"
"Bulging? Yep. And every inch of it's for you. Now get those clothes off and give me what I want."
Jack's door burst open. "Hey, get off my bitch!" It was Kevin, Jill's ex-boyfriend.
"Kevin?! You go to school in Maryland?! What are you doing here?"
"I heard someone was trying to pork you who wasn't me. I can't let that happen. She's mine."
"Hey, uh, I'm sure this can all be worked out," Jack said.
"Blow me, assmaster! Zed, Sweetchuck! Get him!" At Kevin's call, two leather-clad bondage bitches ran into the room and attached Jack.
Despite being chained at the wrists, ankles, necks, elbows, knees and nipples, the two wrestled Jack to the ground in eight seconds. Jack flailed his arms in some girly gesture of defense for a couple of seconds, and then was pinned. His penis went limp.
Kevin walked to one of the bitches and ripped his mask off. "Recognize him?"
"That's, uh, the guy from the frat party," Jill said, amazed. "The redhead. What's he doing here?"
"I heard he tried to do you. So I taught him a little lesson. Now he only answers to me. Zed! Bash your head in the wall!"
Zed ran into Jack's wall headfirst, leaving a significant-sized dent in the drywall.
"See! Only what I command!"
"Hunh. His name's Zed," Jill said. "No wonder he didn't tell me it."
"Who's the other one?" Jack croaked out.
"I'm sure he'll be just as familiar!" The second mask came off and Jill saw Jake, a guy she went on a couple dates with in high school.
"Jake! What are you doing here?"
"He can't answer. His tongue's ripped out. But he wanted to pork you, too, so I had to bust his ass."
"OK, here's what's going to happen, punks. Zed's going to torture Jill until she begs me back to her. And since you're just an annoying turd," Kevin smiled, "Sweetchuck, go nuts on him."
Sweetchuck smiled maliciously and pulled an exacto knife from a side pocket. He looked at Jack's exposed genitals.
"Jill," Jack said.
"What?"
"I guess that happy ending's not happening."
"OK, that's it!" Charlie kicked open the door, clutching a jagged piece of metal. "This was recovered from the Roswell site, and it's sharp enough to rip you all new assholes!"
He slammed the shard in the back of Zed. Zed squealed in a surprisingly feminine squeak, then went into spasms on Jack's floor. A pool of blood formed around the bondage bitch.
Sweetchuck threw the exacto knife like a dart at Charlie. Charlie deflected it off a bottle cap he pulled from his pocket. The knife ricocheted again off the thermostat, and went to the hilt in Sweetchuck's midsection.
Charlie pulled the shard out of Zed and ran towards Kevin swinging. He missed by a yard. Kevin grabbed the shard from him, and smoothly impaled it deep in Charlie's chest. A gush of blood shot from his jacket. He clutched his gaping wound as the blood made it slippery.
"Corn ... nuts," Charlie gasped before collapsing in a rapidly growing blood stain.
"Jill, this is my movie," Jack said. "I must protect you from that nasty-ass ex-boyfriend of yours. My roommate, in this case he'll do as the partner that gets killed and fuels my rage, must be avenged!"
Jack tucked his penis back in, made two fists, and ran like hell at Kevin.
Kevin slammed his palm into Jack's face, shoving his sinuses into his skull. Jack's brains turned to scrambled egg.
Jack collapsed. Life ebbed from him. Kevin stood triumphantly over the body. "Yeah, boy. You play with fire and you get burned!"
Jill knelt by his bloodied, beaten body. "Jack, are you OK?"
"Never give up ..." Jack coughed, flecks of blood sprinkling Jill's face, "Promise me you'll never give up ..."
"Jack, you're dying! Stop quoting 'Titanic'! And, uh, try not to die."
Jack's eyes began rolling in the back of his head. "I'm sorry ... I didn't ... build you a better ship, Rose ..."
"Knock it off!"
"And her whole ass ... gets lifted in the air ... that's 30, 40 thousand tons ... that's a big ass ..."
"Jack? Jack? Don't make those your last words, Jack!" Jill checked his pulse, but found nothing. He was dead.
Dang. At least this broke the status quo.
"Come on," Kevin said, "Let's get the hell out of here. I haven't jerked off in like two days, and I really need to drain."