We give all the toxic waste to Israel (21). Being possession of Israel, the Palestinians will naturally demand that it was always the Palestinians' and Israel has no right to it. Israel cuts a deal where they get to keep their land if they give all the toxic waste to the Palestinians. Mideast peace is achieved (10).
The Palestinians promptly all get cancer from the waste. They also have nowhere to focus their jihads on, since they're friends with Israel now. So they form a jihad against cancer. The world supports them because no one likes cancer, and with an entire faith of people working on a medical problem and the world supporting them for once, cancer is cured within five years (6).
The Canadian quarters we give to the homeless (5). Being stuck with money only good in Canada, they all go to Canada. The extra quarters being pumped into the Canadian economy boosts the country enough to set up new shelters and rehap facilities to help all the homeless (9). No homeless go to Quebec, since they're American homeless and Americans only speak English. Quebec feels so proud about what Canada's doing and what they can't do since they don't have any of those homeless, they drop secession talk so they can be Canadian and share in the triumph (14). The newfound patriotism also gets Canadian team owners to not sell any more of their teams down to Colorado or Charlotte for a wad of cash (18).
The world borrows money from Bill Gates and hires everyone currently unemployed. With all his money tied up in a non-software venture, Bill becomes less scary to the rest of the world (4). The formerly unemployed all go to the cattle pastures of the world and hold matches to the cows' asses (23). The deterioration of the ozone layer, of course, is mainly done by cows farting methane, and with the methane burning up as soon as it leaves the bovine butts, the hole will heal itself (8). The continual flame by the cows will also cook them to a point where all mad cow disease is eliminated (12). The increased amount of usable beef will stop the rainforests' destruction, which is primarily being cut down to make grazing land for new cows (7).
All bad TV shows are cancelled, and replaced by a Real World-style live documentary of the president (3). His continual hijinxs and problems keep the world far more entertained than any fiction series, and through the show America learns how difficult the president's job really is and gains a new respect for him (20).
Every major world city prepares its own production of Rent. This will employ all the artistic types who were previously lighting cow farts, and give them creative satisfaction (22). The world seeing Rent will get sympathy and awareness for those living with AIDS. It will also scare them into not having unprotected sex any more, which will eliminate rising population (15) and new AIDS cases. Previous AIDS cases are treated by the now-famous Palestinian medical community, who found the cure three weeks after the cancer cure (1).
The Palestinians, now with cures for cancer and AIDS but stuck injecting themselves with the cancer cure again and again since they're still living next to all the toxic waste, decide to shoot the waste into space and get rid of the damn stuff. The idea was previously discarded because the space program wasn't considered safe enough to guarantee the shuttle won't explode during takeoff and dump deadly waste on the world, but since there's a cure for cancer now and an accident would be more of a worldwide annoyance than a worldwide threat, the jihad goes into the aeronautics business (11). The world's sci-fi geeks are hired as computer consultants, and their perpetual drool onto the computers because they work for the space program shorts out enough equpiment to keep them with pleasing jobs forever (17).
The world stages shift productions from Rent to a new play about world peace, written by all the super-satisfied artistic types. The world sees it, realized fighting is bad, throw down their collective weapons, and hug. War is over (13).
During the world peace declaration ceremony, broadcast live from every country in the world, the Backstreet Boys are slowly and painfully executed on the five major continents, one per continent (2). Australia gets Richard Simmons to disembowel (16), and Antartica chains the Teletubbies to a pole and watches them freeze to death (19).
And the world is a better place.