World's Best

Tony: Pity me, for I�ve eaten my underwear.

Clive: We need a suggestion for a superhero that Greg can be.
Audience Member: Ejaculator Man!
Clive: Come again?

Drew: What holds you to the earth?
Greg: Why, my love for you, Drew.

Drew: Cow? Cow? COW! I think I hear a cow!

Colin: I like...shaving...animals...for my own entertainment...and then I make them do high stepping Broadway musicals. 

Richard Kaplan: Welcome to today�s episode of CRASH! where we reward people for having the most horrific automobile accident! Last week�s winner was Bob Smith from New York City who advanced to the next round when he severed both of his legs running his Ford off a bridge!

Tony: In the event of Rambo�s biceps exploding, all his internal organs and viscera will be situated there, there and there. 

John Sessions: And the mouth, soft and giving, giving and not giving, towards those who are living and not living, in Carrington, Kinserwood, and Kensilgreen, diatom diadva, you are the rose garden, you are the gypsy queen, you are my gypsy rosa mystica, in the Hoff garden, where they stood, and sat, and checked their fillings. . .

Paul: Kurt Voldheim � is he really Elvis Presley? We do know that he�s living on the moon and just gave birth to an olive. This much is pure fact. 

John: On the third day, the baby jesus saw the sun moving through the sky, through The sky the baby jesus saw the sun moving.
Paul: You want some myrrh?
John: I don�t want none of your myrrh, I want frankincense or gold.
Paul: I�ve got some bath cubes...

Tony: Alright, let me just put on my ultra wrap-around sunglasses in case Clive decides to show up without a hat.

John Glover: June the 25th, 1727....Christmas Day. Thank god during all the years in my island prison, I have not lost my reason.

Tony: Guess where I've hidden MY award!

Steve Frost: Why do they call it the Pearly Gates?
Ryan: Iiiisn't iiit self-explanatory?

Tony: Space...and boobs, lots of them. These are the voyages of my hands. (singing Star Trek theme) Captain O'hoora, how'd you like to gasp at my -beeeeeeeeep-? (apparently he says "veiny bangstick " - thanks STuPidGiRL)

John: It's...quite...simple. All you have to do...is to be funny...slooowly.

Drew: Ok, "personal ads that wouldn't get a response"
Colin: Slightly balding superhero...
Drew: Slightly? Yeah, and I'm slightly overweight.

Clive: You know it's a good game when it ends on 'have you tried the pork?'.

Clive: We need a world crisis that Greg has to confront-
Audience Member: English Television!

Greg: Well, that averts another disaster, I guess I'll just go buy some fresh wood chips and eat my young!

Tony: Yes, the elf was little, but of course, size doesn't matter.

Paul: No luck then? (to Josie, during Scenes From A Hat - 'a weight watchers party')

Richard: It was early morning, I'd already finished off my 2nd bottle of gin and my 3rd pack of cigarettes and it was only 9 o'clock. A little German guy walked in, I could tell by his accent. I offered him gin, he refused - that made me really suspicious.

John: You mean to say you don't break these down and use them as contraceptives?
Paul: Not the twiglets, no.

Richard: Ah yes...a listening device.
Paul: Yes, that's my telephone. There's the looking device over there, that's my television set.

Paul: Excuse me, someone's at the microwave. (after Clive hits the buzzer instead of the doorbell during 'Party Quirks')

Mike: And there I was, burning like the night of the pestilent self, and I walked over to the bar.

Clive: There's always time for you, Greg, in that position.

John: Broooken and meaningless, we stroll past the camera, hoping that yooooou will feel patroniiiiiiiiized...

Ryan: The first rule to living in America is 'Stop tap dancing, you fool!'

Colin: Well, my mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!

Ryan: Bread, bread, the green doth grow. It grows on the bread, and in between my toes. Why it grows there, nobody knows. Thank you, thank you, Dr. Scholls.

Tony: Barbara Cartland, witch and hag, too much makeup, fascist bag.

Tony: Oh, don't cry, you stupid bitch.
Caroline: Oh, that's rich, coming from you, you tosseur!

Ryan: People are gonna talk when they find out two men have married, but don't even bear in mind when they say...'Never trust sheep.'

Ryan and Colin: Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. Never sit on barbed wire when you are naked.

John: Are you sad in the mountains, sad with the happiness, sad with the weakness of the people below you?
Rory: I will be if you stay there

Colin: My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!

Tony: What have you got for me, sir?
John: Well, I-
Tony: That's not an invitation for sex.
John: You're not Jewish. Crazy.
Tony: How'd you tell?
John: Well, I'm from Folhom, I'm just very patronizing and vulgar like that.

Tony: What a horrible suit.
Paul: Oh that's good, coming from someone who's dressed as Doc Holiday!

Colin: You know, I also don't have any money, being a nazi general caught in a time warp.

Tony: Anyway, don't go on about my size, you look like two aspirins on an ironing board.

Colin: Can't you see I'm the superhero The Masked Onion? Look at my shorts, for god sakes!

Ryan: Plant it deep into the ground, for it is too small yet.

Ryan: Are you able to communicate with small boys if say there's a fire or someone hurt?
Tony: Yes I am, indeed have always been able to since leaving my first wife.

Paul: I just got in touch with Al Capone...he was sexy now, wasn't he?
Josie: Sexy like you. Do you have any...scars?
Paul: No, but I can take me trousers off.

Tony: My liege? You're pissed.
Paul: I may be pissed, but I've still got a craving for roasted peanuts.

Brad: Didn't you see that sign back there? It said "Always keep a jellyfish in your handbag!"
Ryan: I've got a jellyfish right here!
Brad: Yes, but it's not in your handbag.

Brad: The last guy tried to get out of me writing him a ticket by saying, 'Kiss me, big boy, kiss me like there's no tomorrow!'...as I recall, I didn't write that ticket.

Tony: Oh, I'll just put down the cat. 
Paul: What the..? I can't work with him! - let me just put down this cactus...and take this bazooka out, and step out of me helicopter. Pint of beer, please.

Sandy: I can't believe we do this for a living.
Clive: Not for much longer.

Audience Member: Apocalypse Now!
Clive: Yes, sir, coming right up.

Tony: You shut up! It's my party, I'll be crap if I want to!

Rory Bremner: And I say to you....I say...don't be chicken...just for...a few weeks. Be a chicken for the rest of your life by...voting liberal democrat on Thursday.

Ryan: I find that...only pigs speak the English language.

Jim Sweeney: You git! One little slip and you throw it back in me face!
Steve Steen: Two little slips! The slip you had on last night, you bitch! Yes, I threw that back in your face as well! What a lousy lover you are! and you said you were so good with your big gun!

Jim: Yes, I'm naked! And covered in cling film! 

Tony: I came to you last week. You didn't say anything about the revolving door. What sort of fortune teller are you?
Steve Frost: Well uh, you didn't cross my palm with silver like you said you were gonna do.
Tony: I'll cross your mouth with my signet ring if you don't shut up. 

Steve Frost: A crime of passion is as we know the most well known crime committed...in passion.

Jim: I find no choice but to find the person guilty because they're obviously not a mason. 

Ron West: From now on everyone living in Wisconsin shall be known as Wally. 

Tony: I got married yesterday, I had an awful time. I drank two bottles of crappy British wine. I'm going to leave my wife as quickly as I can cos I don't like her I like the best man.

Tony: Thank goodness you're here Coquettish Slut Man!
Mike: Well that's a mighty big hooooole...

Ryan: They don't put bars in this prison, they just. . .wire up small animals.

Colin: Shut up! Shut up!. . .Shut up once again!

Mike: Don't mess with the neon love chicken!
Greg: Who ordered pumpkin??

Greg: If you hold this end, and I push the button, you'll see how the hamsters COME SHOOTING THROUGH!

Chip Esten: Packed, I can almost hear you, but I've got my fingers in my ear.

Chip: We have found the 8th dwarf, it's uh...Gangly.
Ryan: Gangly the Mutant Dwarf.

Ryan: Ever see a grown man naked?
Greg: Well not grown exactly, it was....your brother, I think!

Tony: I love to feed my kitten, I feed him from the fridge, I feed him fly and rats and little tiny midgets.

Tony: I've got a little problem, I can't get enough. You know what I'm talkin' about, I'm talkin' about me! I'm hot stuff. Looking at myself in the mirror, I just start to sweat, because I'm the most beautiful person I've ever met.