American Musical
Mike McShane,
Josie Lawrence, Tony Slattery, John Sessions
(playing
football, getting mugged & waking up)
Josie: Good morning, honey.
Mike: Good morning, darling.
Josie: Oh, I’m still tired…I had a bad dream.
Mike: Really? What did you dream about?
Josie: Oh, you know, the same thing I dreamt about last time I had a dream. (song) I dreamt I
saw you in a lawn, a pitch, something green. It was obscene. And at each side
there was a net…
Mike: That’s funny, because I had the same dream. I had on big shoulder pads-
Josie: Even bigger than you have now, dear?
Mike: They were huge! And a helmet on my head, and it was painted a very bright red and
I was running...I was running...
Josie: Running…
Mike: And I had a stuffed pig in my hand...
Josie: A pig in your hand…
Mike: Except it’s belly was sewn shut, and I passed it I went hut hut hut! I
threw it…(/song)
Josie: Darling, do you know what you’ve just done? You’ve just created American football!
Mike: Thank God! (enter Tony)
Tony: Hi mom, hi dad.
Josie: Hi, darling.
Tony: I’ve got a bit of bad news, I’m afraid.
Josie: Tell us, tell us. (song)
Tony: Boy, have I had a day. When I tell you, it’s gonna blow your minds away.
Josie: Tell me the rest, come to my breast.
Tony: Well, I was just walking down the street, I was on my way to luncheon, when I was stopped
by a policeman, and he abused me with his truncheon.
Mike: Did he beat you?
Tony: He beat me.
Mike: Did he whack you?
Tony: He whacked me!
Josie: Did he make you drop your pants? (/song)
Tony:….No. (John walks over, tempo quickens)
John: (grinning widely) Rise and shine right? I'm up.
Company: Good morning, John!
Josie: Oh, John, you’re always so happy!
John: That’s because I’m mentally deficient!
Josie: (song) Mentally deficient, but quite efficient at some things! Right? We think you’re great!
John: No….
Tony: We think you’re the best!
John: Come on!
Mike: We think you’re wonderful, a microsyphallic morning call!
John: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Josie: We think you’re great!
John: It’ll go to my head guys…ah, I’m not feeling too good... Oh I just
remembered, I got some bad news…I got
tuberculosis. (pause)
Tony: That’s great news!
Greg Proops, Tony
Slattery, Jim Sweeney, Josie Lawrence
(girlfriend
getting pregnant, getting mugged, getting a job in television)
Tony: Congratulations! I heard the news about your wife, I didn’t know you got married, I
thought she was just your girlfriend.
Greg: Well she kinda is in a sorta kinda way.
Tony: That’s great, what’s the latest? How are things with you?
Greg: Well, I’m kinda worried, Tony.
Tony: Tell me about it.
Greg: (song) I am kinda naïve about these things. I thought the stork brought babies with their
wings but after a night of passionate romping, I find that soon we’ll be dad
and mom-ping.
Tony: That’s brilliant. - you know when a man and a woman get together, nothing happens
with birds of a feather, it’s all about the bits and pieces that hang out of
you-
Greg: Of me.
Tony: Of you.
Greg: And her.
Tony: And her. (/song) and that’s what making babies is all about. (enter Jim)
Jim: Hey Greg, I got some bad news about your girlfriend, Sally.
Greg: What is it?
Jim: Glad you asked. (song) Let me tell you ‘bout Sally. She was walking down an alley. Listen to what I
said, someone came and whacked her on the back of the head. She was mugged, Greg.
She hurt her leg, Greg. She’s dead, Greg. Hey, I’m really choked up.(/song)
Greg: Wow, that...news kinda brings me down. It’s funny, cos I was just about to go for the
biggest audition of my life as host of Live with Clive and stuff. (enter Josie)
Josie: And you can still do it, Greg.
Greg: Why, who are you, figment of my imagination beautiful female poker nudist type person in a velour
shirt?
Josie: I’m your girlfriend, Sally, come back to you. And look! (cradles air)
Greg: Wow, you look like Demi Moore now!
Josie: I’ve got the baby, too. When I got hit on the back of head, everything became clear
(song) I’ve got my baby now, Greg. And I don’t love you now, Greg. Go away and be a TV star, I don’t care, cos I’ve
got the real part, Greg.
Greg: I don’t care anymore, Josie –
Josie: Sally.
Greg: Sally. I don’t care what your name is, Sally or Josie, commitment scares me, I’m glad
you’ve got the baby I’m a STAR!
Josie: Star!
Tony: Star!
Greg: Hollywood, here I are!
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