If you are a couple meeting another couple, dinner at
one of your homes is generally best. Again as a couple,
inviting single male to your home for a first meeting
over dinner, is appropriate. If you are a couple meeting
a single lady the best way we've found to handle it is to
court her together. Take her out and treat her nicely--let
her know that dating a couple doesn't mean giving up
the joys of romantic single dating, but doubles them
instead! The husband is taking both of the ladies out--he
should pick up the check without a fuss. The single lady can reciprocate later with dinner at her place if things
work out. If the single is male and you go out together, he
and the husband should split the check--you are both
taking her out. None of this on who pays applies to feminist
ladies who wouldn't think of allowing a man to buy her
dinner--but we've run into amazingly few of those in this
movement.
Three in The Car
If you all go out together as three, the wife and single lady
should alternate sitting in the front seat if your car has
bucket seats. In the case of a couple dating a single man,
the gentleman whose car is being driven will usually drive
with the lady beside him. Three in front is much better if
you have a vehicle which can do it.
Three at a Restaurant
If you are going to a restaurant, plan things so that round
booth seating (preferable) or individual chairs avoid the
couple sitting on one side and the single on the other.
Whether that single is male or female, avoid anything with
a two against one feel to it.
Couples Together and Apart
Be sure you not only do the obvious of sitting in cars or
restaurants with the opposite sex member of the other
couple, but spend time with the same sex one, too. This
goes for separate meetings, too. The gentlemen can go to a
computer fair together while the ladies go for a drive or
whatever. You are all in a relationship together if this
works out.
Separate Dating-Couple with a Single
Depending on the couple's comfort level with it, after
getting to know them both on two or three joint meetings,
you as a single male could offer to take the lady alone out
for lunch, dinner or even a play. This works particularly
well if her husband gets to go to some meeting or activity
he is really interested in but she is not while you entertain
her. You, as the male member of a couple, can also ask the
single lady out, assuming this is ok with your wife--best to
have your wife assure her that it is especially if your
previous meetings have been as three.
What Do We Do When...
You are in a quadrad. You and your husband have a
date with a couple you are in relationship with for an
intimate evening. The other man in your triad comes in
after a sweaty job for a shower. He takes the shower,
comes out and gets eye contact with your husband�s date
(who he has had ample previous contact with) and joins
them in bed. They have a lovely time, but when wife #2
gets back from her date with another member of your
household, she is angry at not to have been consulted about her exclusion from this date with the couple. This
is discovered when the visiting couple go home and
husband #2 attempts to come to bed. He finds his
clothes etc tossed outside the door the bedroom of wife
#2 with a Do Not Disturb sign on her door. He sleeps
with his other wife and husband while she sleeps alone.
Whether wife #2 (who has joined the triad after
they had been together four years) has reason to be
disturbed depends on several factors: How well does
she know the visiting couple? Would they have been
comfortable with her being added into the mix?Was
she told previously that this would be a private date
between the original couple and their guests? Would it
have been reasonable for Husband #2 to have disturbed
her during her date to ask if it was ok for him to join the
other couples in bed? Is she comfortable being by
herself upon occasion�or not? Some things are a bit
spontaneous at the time and the only way to avoid
upset is to discuss a lot of hypotheticals in advance
realizing that you can�t cover them all. Write down
what you will do about the hypotheticals. When one
comes up which has not been previously planned for,
give your partners the benefit of the doubt and discuss
among you how this could best be handled in the future
to create a win-win for all involved rather than getting
upset that the situation wasn�t properly handled this
time.
The above situation could have occurred in a triad
without the fourth partner. In our case, husband #2
was frequently not included in our dates with other
couples or singles for a number of reasons ranging from
their comfort level with his extra weight to whether the
dynamics of that particular situation made it best for
him to be included at that time. He was not interested
in being included when the single was male, for
example. In other cases where he might have wanted to
be included, he accepted that it just wasn�t going to
happen with this person or couple or on this occasion.
We worked all this out long before we became a quad.
Some of our standing rules probably need to be
renegotiated or at least clarified with a fourth person in
the mix.
Much of what effects the above scenario comes down
to whether separate dating is ok at all or if all must be
included every time.
I am not comfortable with an all or nothing rule. It is too
limiting for me, particularly when I have relationships
predating any of those I have with my quad. Others
accept all or nothing as the price of having committed
relationships or a marriage. Some even accept monogamy as the price of such a relationship.
Know Where You Stand
There are many ins and outs to the etiquette of poly
dating. Much of it depends on the agreements a couple
(triad or quad) has with each other before another person
enters the picture. Contrary to popular beliefs, having an
open relationship often does not mean �Anything goes."
Some couples date only together, while others have a limit
of one evening and/or night out a month or a week
separately. Some require a week's warning about a whole
night out while others just need a call that same night
letting the spouse know they'll be out until morning.
Couples (triads and quads), be sure you are clear on such
agreements between yourselves and that you make them
clear to prospective intimate friends before someone gets
hurt feelings through not knowing the rules.
If you have a �What do you do when...?� for publication please E-Mail it to [email protected] or send it to 8515
Penfield Ave. Winnetka, Ca. 91306. We will take it with
your solution or brain storm and give it one or more of our
own. Let�s have fun with this and learn from each other. 