Creating Joy in Your Life
and Your Relationships
It is Saturday night. David and his significant other (Mary)
have planned an evening at home with a delightful lady they have
been seeing for some time and really care for (Andrea). Mary is
envisioning quiet music and soft caresses all around, and feeding
each other the finger foods she has lovingly prepared in a nonverbal
tribal feast style. She has made dinner light and delicious. David
is daydreaming about being attacked by two passionate women who
can't get enough of him with hard rock music adding to the excitement.
Andrea is really looking forward to a chance for deep discussion
about this relationship. She wants to make some decisions about
where to go from here with it.
David gets home, gives Mary a rough passionate kiss and goes
looking for his Nine Inch Nails CD. Andrea arrives and is told
by Mary of her lovely surprise night of QUIET romance. Somehow
this event does not turn out too well.
Unrealistic? Maybe. This case of crossed purposes could have
been remedied by a little discussion before hand as to what each
participant wanted from the evening. Perhaps three separate evenings
should have been calendared to give everyone what they wanted,
with the parameters agreed upon in advance for each one of them.
Each person could have been given an evening to plan with the
agreement that it would be a surprise--please hold expectations
in suspense.
If you think of it as an exciting adventure in pleasing the one
person you know you'll be spending the rest of your life with,
it could be more marvelous than you ever expected. If, on another
occasion, you decide to get someone to join you for the evening,
you'll at least have an idea of what it takes for you to have
fun. Call people you know would enjoy that kind of evening until
you find one who is available in the near future and make a date
for it.
If what you want is simply to spend the evening with a particular
person, find out what this person's parameters might be for a
wonderful evening. Have fun making an impromptu list together
and surprise your friend with one or more of those things.
This could lead to more than friendship if that is what you're
aiming for. How many people have bothered to do this with him
or her before? Ever wished you had an edge in getting someone
special to be willing to spend time with you? You've got it now!
Each of these people could make a list of a variety of things
they could enjoy during an evening together and what they would
really not enjoy. The lists could be shared. The person doing
the planning or all of you together could then create experiences
that would work from a selection of possibilities.
If something on one person's list of special delights is a turnoff
for one of the others, it could either be shared with the one
it is not a turnoff for separately or ways could be found to make
something previously neutral or even unpleasant a lot more interesting.
It’s not what you do that matters as much as how you choose
to react to it.
This works for an evening alone with your primary partner at least
as well as for poly dates. Taking the time to find out what both
of you enjoy, really looking into yourselves to discover your
innermost desires (in bed and out) then sharing the information,
will make that relationship more intimate and more joyous than
ever before. You'll both have more fun together. As a poly bonus,
a couple who really love each other and show it, attract more
of the right kinds of additional loves than do the couple who
growl at each other or just seem bored. Which kind would you want
to be around?
Not in a relationship right now? You can still figure out what
it takes for you to have a great evening alone or with others.
Make the list. Choose something on it you can create and calendar
it. Make it something that does not require a lover if there isn't
one easily accessible right now. Choose from the possible, then
go for it! You could have a great time even by yourself if you
plan it right--not just the activities, but your attitude toward
them. If you think of this as a booby prize for what you really
wanted, you could create a miserable time for yourself.
