ELMO
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly, the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her
she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were
packed into boxes. On Monday, they started up the line and within twenty
minutes, had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss
went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy
trying to do her part; but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two
walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control
his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll
Two----Test----Tickles."
"PERFECT"
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving a
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the roadside in
distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood
Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon, they were driving along delivering the
toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated; and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus; and there is no such thing
as a perfect man.
Having a bad day? The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio; and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding
the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran
into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had
spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the
gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the
hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the
bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing
the cigarette, he slipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while
still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on
the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering
burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again
ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded
the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the
wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard,
one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down
the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT is a bad day....
A drunk staggers walks into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The
waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs>>left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't
know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage
and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? "No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is
screwing your chickens."
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for their superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a
woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcast the call, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby
was first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned,
"I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"
Breakfast with the Clintons
Hillary and her daughter Chelsea are having breakfast one morning.
Hillary looks at Chelsea and says,
"Chelsea, you've been away at school for a year and I just have to
know.....have you had sex?"
Chelsea thinks about it and says, "Well, not according to Dad."
Latest news release...The European Commision has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EC
rather than German, which was the other possibility. As
part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that
would be known as "EuroEnglish".
* In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This
should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
* There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
* In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the
language is disgraseful, and it should go away.
* By the fourthm year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps
such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During
ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords
kontaining "ou"; similar changes vud of kors be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters.
* After zi fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten
styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun
vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
Zet sims srtnli gud tu mi...
A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in
a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids
h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance
in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this l-l-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of
t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
Funny Advertisements!
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in
an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people
had use for the "manure stick".
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the
label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put
pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el
Papa),the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man
to make a chicken affectionate". [eds note- this could be considered a
case of fowl play...]
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax",
depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find
a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the
mouth".
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass
you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to
impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your
pocket and make you pregnant".
11. Pizza Time Theater featured the character "Chucky Cheese" in their
restaurant chain in the US and Europe but realized all too late that,
in the UK, "chucky" is slang for "vomit".
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.>
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on the door:>
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Top 10 Creative Pick-Up Lines
In this world of standards, we all know that the same old pick-up
lines just don't work anymore. So here is a small collection of new
creative lines that may just do the trick. Or not!
1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King:
you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went into this cheap motel room.
8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10.You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
THE PLAN
In the beginning was the Plan And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke
amongst themselves, saying, "It's a crock of shit and it stinks."
And the workers went into their supervisors and said, "It's a pail of
dung and none can abide its odour."
And the supervisors went into their managers and said to them, "It's a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide
by it." And the managers went into their directors and said, "It is a vessel
of fertiliser and none may abide its strength."
And the directors spoke amongst themselves saying to one another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."
And the directors went into the Managing Director and said unto him,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Managing Director went into the Chairman and said unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
Company and will be most effective."
And the Chairman looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became policy.
And this my friends, is how shit happens.
A rich and attractive man had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one
to marry. Because he was a man of means, he decided to give each one $5,000
and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total
makeover with the money. She bought new clothes, new hairdo, manicure,
pedicure, the works and told the man "I spent the money so I could look
pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television,
and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said "I bought these gifts for
you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled
her investments and returned the $5,000 to the man and reinvested the
rest. She
told him, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money...
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Here is a list of what can happen to you if you have been too long
in Sweden
1. You associate pea soup with Thursday.
2. The first thing you do on entering a bank/post office/pharmacy>etc. is
look for the queue number machine.
3. You accept that you will have to queue to take a queue number.
4. A sharp intake of breath has become part of your vocabulary, as>has
the sound 'ahh'.
5. You associate Friday afternoon with a trip to system bolaget.
6. You think nothing of paying $50 for a bottle of 'cheap' spirits>at
system bolaget.
7. Your native language has seriously deteriorated; you begin to>"eat
medicine" and "hire videos".
8. You think Leif 'Loket' Olsson is entertaining.
9. You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones>you
should keep to take to the store and which can be
sacrificed to garbage.
10. It's acceptable to eat lunch at 11.00.
11. Your front door step is beginning to resemble a shoe shop.
12. When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume that:
a. he is drunk; b. he is insane; c. he is American;
d. he is all of the above.
13. You stay home on Saturday night to watch Bingolotto.>> >
14. Silence is fun.
15. It seems sensible that the age limit at Stockholm night clubs is 23
or 25.
16. The reason you take the ferry to Finland is:
a. duty free vodka b. duty free beer c. to party
17. The only reason for getting off the boat in Helsinki is to eat
pizza.
18. It no longer seems excessive to spend $200 on alcohol in a>single
night.
19. The fact that all of the "v's" and the "w's" are together in the
phone directory seems right.
20. You care who wins 'Expedition: Robinson'.
21. Your old habit of being "fashionably late" is no longer>acceptable.
You are always on time.
22. You no longer see any problem wearing white socks with loafers.
23. You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get pissed."
24. You are no longer scared of volvos and volvo drivers.
25. You have your own innebandy club.
26. You enjoy the taste of surstromming.
27. You find yourself debating the politics of Carl Bildt.
28. You use mmmm as a conversation filler.
29. An outside temperature of 9 degrees Celsius is mild.
30. When someone asks for "three cheers", you say
"hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, hoorah".
31. You wear sandals with socks.
32. You eat jam with savoury dishes.
33. You have only two facial expressions, smiling or blank.
34. You think riding a racing bike in the snow is a perfectly>sensible
thing to do.
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch
measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between
two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!)
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from
the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a
check of $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his
utstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for
$960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked
where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis
to my balls." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better
get the Medical
Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the
>general to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the
tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said. "Where are your balls?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. Knocking on
the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly,"' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. - If you so
much as lay a finger on
my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures
known to man.""OK," said the man, and entered the house.
Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic
body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep
her eyes off himduring the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. During the
night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night ofpassion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear
and, near dawn, he
crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure
on his chest.
Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that
read: "Chinese Torture1....Large rock on chest."
Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't havemuch to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw theboulder out.
As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese
Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already
getting close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped
out of the windowafter the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground
that read, "ChineseTorture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."
SIGNS YOU MAY BE A CANADIAN
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a
serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp,>eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the
national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are
not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a
cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government>to
fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER
had sex and don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small>town
in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
22. You read rather than scanned this list.
23. You don't get pissed up on 5 American beers, eh?!
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where two
men and one woman from each EU-State are stranded.
Three months later......
One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The French men and the French woman are enjoying the threesome but
complaining about the multitude of foreigners on their island.
The English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The German men have a strict weekly alternating sex-schedule; the woman
gets weekends off.
The Belgian men have realized that the Belgian woman is, in fact, a
seven year old boy and are mighty ashamed of the whole thing.
The Dutch men are fully prepared, in general, to share the woman.
However, they are still debating how to ensure that both will have an
exactly equal share, how to reduce supervision cost and how to guarantee
the woman equal rights.
The Luxembourg men are still recovering from the shock of seeing half
the population of Luxembourg stranded on the island. But they will soon >start
collecting sea-shells on the beach.
The Finnish men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
Finnish woman and started swimming. They were soon overtaken by the
Portuguese men.
The Danish trio is trying to find folks to join them in an orgy; they
gladly accepted the participation of the Finnish woman and are still
vainly persuading the Portuguese woman.
The Spanish men heroically began protecting the virginity of the Spanish
woman and are constantly and suspiciously prying on one another.
Meanwhile, she dances flamenco.
The Austrian men initiated a yodeling contest for the woman; the loser
immediately started learning flamenco, as well as Portuguese, Finnish
and Danish.
The Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The Swedish woman keeps on bitching about female exploitation while the
men are sunbathing and waiting for her to tell them what to do.
The Irish began by setting up a distillery for which they received
substantial EU-subsidies. They don'trecall if sex is in the picture,
'cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few rounds of coconut
whiskey. But they're happy that, at least, the English aren't getting any.
A MAN THAT LIKES DOG SEX
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex
has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his
license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he
said he would like one too. Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he
didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I
have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a
kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with
me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a
special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex.
I said, "You don't under- stand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk
said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was
standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in
the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a
show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was
married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was
seperated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and
asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I
said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.
Nun and the Hippie
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front
seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with
him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at
the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to
the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have
sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the
bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun
goes to the cemetary to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes
and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male)"you could tell her
you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the hippie
decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetary and
waits for the nun.
Right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying
the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of
god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you
must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so
she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets
about to go to work on the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off
his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by
whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!
THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 1 and a half hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were
printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune magazine.
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!" Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel
more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too
judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I
lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had
it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads
for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country?
Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put
us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we
can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over
to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say >
you look fat in those uniforms." Elayne Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are
reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex
condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. Elayne Boosler
There's very little advice in men's magazines,
because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do.
Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and give her a house. Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing
it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at
the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding
night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly
man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put
them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your
pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever
forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she
flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and
found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said, "I
can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the
way it's going to be until your f---ing attitude changes!"
What am I?
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The
functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It
boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small
hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly,
sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist
opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many timesin
succession, often quickly and accompanied by
squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely
recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the
well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a
juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will
need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its
long glistening shaft after everything is done and the
flowing and cleansing liquids have ceases emanating, it is returned to>its
freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of
action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a
day, but often much less.
WHAT AM I????
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other
than your very own.........Toothbrush...........