i wrote this in May on my way to my best friend's wedding. I've since met a wonderful man, but still question love and weddings.
So I'm typing this into Notepad while flying from Detriot to Vegas for C's wedding. (I flew from Maine to Detriot earlier today.) With N's wedding in the recent past, C's wedding NOW and my cousin E getting married this fall, not the mention the fun I'm currently having with my own love life, I've been thinking a lot about love, lust and illusion.
I watched N walk up the aisle last month with a nervous smile on her face, bouquet trembling ever so slightly in hands that were visibly sweaty. I'm travelling across the country to see my best friend marry a man that she's contemplated breaking up with each of the 5 summers they've been together. And I wait with trepidation for E's October wedding that seems more like an excuse for a family reuinion than anything she actually wants. And I have to ask myself why.
I've never believed in marraige. I've always felt that if a man is going to love me for the rest our lives, then it'll happen with or without an elaborate ceremony and a piece of paper. I'll even go so far as to say that once that ceremony happens and the paper is signed, it ruins a relationship. Suddenly you can't leave it all behind. You legally become half of something instead of being your own person. I'm not saying that identity or personality is lost, but a certain amount of freedom is. And while I crave love and companionship as much as the next girl (maybe more), I just can't justify giving up the freedom to do what I want, when I want to do it.
And of course, fucked up girl that I am, as soon I start thinking about marraige, JB pops into my head. Oddly enough, so does M. (But we'll get to that in a moment.) What seperates loving from being in love? There's no doubt in my mind that I love JB, or that he loves me. But where is the line drawn? With Simone's arrival approaching (no exact date, but trust me, I'll keep you updated), I have to wonder. We've spent almost every night together since he got back from Virginia. And at the marketing meeting last night he made it a point to sit next to me (we usually seperate ourselves at work functions). While the staff was hanging out at the store before heading over to the restaurant, he even hugged me and rubbed my back. (We always avoid contact in front of coworkers to help stop the flow of gossip) Which makes me question. Is it deeper than care between us? Is there more than love? And is Lauren right, is he more open to the relationship possibilities than I allow myself to believe? And do I even want that?
Which leads to the lust. When I'm around JB I can't seem to keep my hands off of him. I get this amazing tingling sensation in my fingertips just thinking about it. Kissing him is a bliss in itself, and the sex is an amazing adventure everytime. So are there those moments with M when I just want to lean over and kiss him? (No, we haven't kissed yet.) Yet I can't really imagine sleeping with him. Despite the urge to kiss him, his hugs and tickles don't make my body wake up. Is it still lust to want to kiss him and try to wake myself up? Is my desire for JB overshadowing my desire for M? Or is my lust the byproduct of love I don't believe I can have? Have I talked myself out of lusting after M? I mean, I'm attracted to him, and I have fun hanging out with him. So what's the deal?
So what I need to know is, which is true love, and which is illusion? Is my love for JB an illusion created by care and chemistry? Are my lackluster feelings for created by the fantasy of JB wanting my heart again? (Although, he's got it whether he wants it or not.) What about C getting ready to walk down the aisle with a man she talked to me about breaking up with a mere two days before accepting his engagement ring? Or my brother and JC, who were best friends before dating for 4 years? I even question my parents. My father was a selfish bastard and a tyrant (more on that in another post), yet my mother never left. Was it true love, or illusion?
And if it is illusion, do I even want to know? As I sit thousands feet in the air I have nothing to do but contemplate (since there's no in-flight movie, dammit), and I've realized a lot. I may bitch, and I may have some moments of self-doubt (OK, a lot of moments of self-doubt), I am happy. I have amazing friends like C and T, and I'm making friends here, even if none of them are forever friends. I have a family that loves me, even if it's tiny. And whether or not it has a label, I have something special and precious with Jordan, no matter how much longer it lasts.
So I'm looking forward to my week in Vegas. (And Phoenix, but those are bonus days.) I'll probably cry when C walks down the aisle, and I'll definitly wonder if she's making the right choice. And through all the wedding activities the week has in store, I'll wonder about love verus illusion, and how much of true love is actually created in our own minds and how much is real.