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| Clever Girl... >> Love >> The Rules The Rules (according to Rachel) a list of humorous points that have always worked for me in the past - not part of a femonazi plot 1. Never trust your instincts. No matter how infallible they may be when it comes to other people's lives, when it comes to your own they will invariably be wrong. 2. Always remain emotionally unavailable. This was you escape heartbreak - anger is a FAR healthier emotion. 3. Have at least one person who you trust completely with your emotional wellbeing. Always refer to these people before making any major decisions you might regret later in any way. If they advise against it, DON'T DO IT. 4. Don't be afraid to have a "pessimistic protection plan" - it might seem cold hearted, unfair and cruel (it certainly has made me feel guilty in the past), but it makes like MUCH easier for everyone. 5. Remain full of "artificial sweetener", even when you are unsure of what you want. If things don't work out, smile sweetly, laugh coquettishly and chirp "Oops! I did it again!" No one will think any less of you - after all, it WAS an accident. 6. Life is NOT a movie, OR a play, no matter what William Shakespeare said and no matter how like Dawson's Creek your life appears to be. The cliched plots that are followed through in movies will NOT happrn in your life - and things that signal plot progression in films do not do the same in real life. 7. There's no such thing as a happy ending. This is not bitterness on my behalf - simply a fact. Happy endings only happen when the story is cut short before the next bad thing happens. Be happy in those periods, then accept the next plot change (Oops! Didn't I just say the world wasn't a stage?) 8. It's not that I don't want to stay, but every time you come too close I move away. 9. We're fine till I think of a problem. 10. Your heart will inevitably be broken, or (if you follow rule #2) you will become so jaded that you will have no choice but to follow rule #1. In this circumstance you might start to see yourself as one of those girls in the boyband songs - well, there's not going to be a boyband member coming along to pick you up and say "yes darling, I know men are jerks, I know you've been hurt, but I love you and I'll make everything alright again." No, guys will say "Stupid femo bitch. I bet she's a leso." 11. Celebrity crushes are safest. Try to foster them. You might never get to meet them but just let Tom Cruise try to play mind games! 12. Always wear ugly clothes. It's true - most days I get asked out I'm dressed appallingly. 13. Bad hair days don't hurt either. 14. Britney Spears DOES capture all the pain, the longing, and the anguish that comes from hanging around with boys who look nothing like... 15. If you find out a nice, cute, socially acceptable guy likes you it's not a good idea to say "That's nice" and try to change the subject completely. It kinda comes off as... I don't know... rejection? 16. No, that ISN'T a gun in his pocket. 17. Feel free to use physical violence against would-be molesters. 18. Yes, it's scary and annoying that you can't walk down Broadway without men yelling obscene comments at you - but tell me you don't worry that you're losing your looks if it doesn't happen for a week. 19. Liking someone for no other reason than them liking you is always a bad idea. 20. Never trust your instincts. THEY'RE WRONG. Yes, I was in a rather bitter mood when I wrote that one... almost a year and a half ago. But it was meant to be funny. It just didn't succeed. :p |
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