"this is not a real credit card" ~ on a fake credit card made of cardboard
(so um... don't be going and using those at no supermarket.... )

"free Pizza Allow 4 to 6 weeks delivery. While supplies last."~on a coupon for a free pizza
(so...how warm do you suppose that pizza will be when you get it??)
"fequent use of this while driving is encouraged by Organ Doner Consortium" ~ on a cellular phone
(yes, cause they are PREMOTING Organ donation, without dead people there would be no organs...so come on everyone...we must all up and be stupid to save the WORLD!)

"any claims or promises are meant as entertainment only and do not represent actual product preformance" ~Political Campaign speech
(now tell me that YOU couldn't have told THEM that? I mean DUHH...they portray all that very well, OVER & OVER AGIAN!!!)

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
(yeah....most people run out of food for their little fish and as a substitute think they should use the dog shampoo they bought.....yeah the dog will still be dirty, but the poor little fish are hungry.....I don't think so!!!!)

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
(you mean you can't use it inside your body.....haven't you always wanted to try curling your nerves...or maybe your intestines, or how about your tongue....okay that's just gross!!!)

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
(that's all it can burn????? Just the eyes?????)

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
(well, you know it would be much more efficient if we could just dry our hair as we were getting it wet.... )

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
(come on people you are suppose to be sleeping not drying your hair!!!!)

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
(ahh, wouldn't that be great if we could just give ourselves a massage while sleeping.... )

"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
(come on people you didn't think those chocolate cds had songs about chocolate on them did you???? )

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
(okay now this one is just plain nasty!!!!!!!! how many people do you know who would wonder such a thing????)

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
(really????? oh my gosh.... you mean I should wear my helmet too???? Man! if only those shin guards would protect my whole body!!!!)

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
(yeah that was the first thing I thought of when I saw that rotary tool.... defiantly a dental device!!!)

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
(Wow....do some people think their eyes stink that much???? I would never have thought of that....)

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
(MAN, now the sunshield would reduce all the sun glare!!!! of course you can't see out your windshield, but man that is just a minor problem...right????)

"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
(you mean plastic isn't bullet proof yet???? come on!!!!)

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
(well, how would you light a fire without coming in contact with fire????? that has got to be one good lighter!!!!!!!!)

"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.
( no I did not miss-type that!!! You don't want those batteries exploring around in your flashlight!!!!)

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
(now this one just really stinks..... I can't believe I am not suppose to eat the toner....)

"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
(yep, sorry to all those farmers who have no other way to get around other than their wheelbarrow...)

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
(okay so they want to heat the bathroom with out the heater actually being in the bathroom....no problem! we'll just put it in the living room and hope for the best right????)

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
( no kidding????? gosh I thought it was to just make them sneeze.....)

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
( now whoever came up with this idea was a real genius!!!)

"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
(well as opposed to those who order cold pizza....right???)

"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
(WOW!!!!! I don't believe it.... the hot beverages are hot?????? This is truly strange!!!!!)

"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a Frisbee.
(really...like where????)

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
(okay so this one is REALLY NASTY!!!!!!!!!! I mean a toilet brush is way too big to use orally to begin with and second....who would want to??????????????)

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
(Come on people just keep those butcher knives out of the children...it causes fatalities you know!!!)

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
( So how do you suggest wishing the one-year-old a Happy Birthday???? And these cards actually sell???)

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
(so you want me to buy the battery....not recharge it or put it in backwards well that should be easy seeing we aren't suppose to use it in the first place!)

"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
(haven't you always wanted you use a heated cushion on your eyes????....Not me! but maybe that's just me...)

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
(so you mean my other one is, is , gone?????)

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
( now wouldn't that make life so much easier...if they could only come up with a microwave that you could dry the cat in.... and the dog too!!!!)

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
(man, what about that person you just can't stand.....)

"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
(come on people only the people who went to college on "how to use air freshener" can be use that can in your bathroom!!! Its what they were trained to do.)

"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
( to many kids and teenagers are putting those "air freshener experts" out of a job)

"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
( they are.... I thought they were just closer than they appear????)

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
(careful while mounting that jetski!!!)

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
(now this one is just great!!! I am small, but not THAT small!!!!.... that is so insulting!!!)

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
(gosh I never thought of that...it could make great ear plugs couldn't it!!!)

"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
(WOW they have refrigerators with hot and cold sections!!!! that is so cool!!!)

"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
(No actually the knives are dull until you sharpen them.)

"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
(man... those breath savers.... if that was all you ate.. think of all that weight you could loose....)

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
(man first you make me twist it off with my hands and now I can't even chew on it for a while...I have to throw it away???? how sad is that?)

"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
(Come on people stealing is wrong!!! very wrong!, but stealing milk crates!!! that is a crime!!!)

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
(No kidding!!! You mean POISON is harmful????)

"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
(sorry folks... their is just no way you can safely drink that windshield fluid.....)

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
(yes, we know the kids are heavy, but you MUST take them out before you fold the carriage...it causes damage to the child...)

"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
(I knew their was something I forgot on my driving test.....)

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
(shucks!!!! that would save so mush time.... the ironing board is such a hassle to get out and everything...)

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
(You mean the little 4-year-old can't drive herself to pre-school or use a back-ho if she is on cough medicine.... awful harsh isn't it???)

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
(as opposed to what???? Man being homeschooled has really made me so stupid.... I never knew their was something other than inside and outside..... amazing what I am missing...)

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
(Come on people don't break the little kids' hearts!!!)

"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
(that's it tell them when its not alarmed!!! GREAT IDEA!!! another genius probably thought of that one!!)

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
(The prosecute dead people now???? Gosh where has this world gone???)

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
(I am so glad they mentioned that because you know usually when you heat something...it doesn't get hot... yeah...right.....)

"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
(OPPS!!! TOO LATE!)

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
(another one of those magic lighters....)

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
(it is??? I thought it was something else....good thing you mentioned that...)

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
(well, we know you may be hungry, but you just can't be eating the dice!!!)

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
(Come on now, first dice, now hammers!!!)

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
(WOW... and I though I could get my money back for beating up that frying pan....)

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
(Well, you know.... It has been know to cause you to loose the hand you stop it with....just a warning!!!)

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
(you know...that guy in the next cubical is really annoying couldn't I just throw it at HIM????)

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
(Oh my Goodness!!! They actually put nuts in those packages????)

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing.
(hey, you never know....my cat likes to eat that stuff....)

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
(hmmmm...I wonder how they expect you to get it where it is suppose to be.... )

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
(No kidding???? DUHHH!!!!)

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
(really? you mean..... it could actually HURT someone??? )

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
(come on... I mean doing it while it was running would get the job done faster...)

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
(WOW...and I thought I was dumb??? Your really can't use that tiny picture frame to support you whole body in water???? Go figure...)

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
(you got to get your fiber some how????)

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
(but it is so dirty!!! couldn't I put it in their for just a minute???? how about manually wash it under water in the sink????)

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
(amazing... they actually make it too lift the car up.... not to just look at???)

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
(Okay, now I have to go tell ALL my friends who light candles on their phones.... this could take a while...)

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
(okay so some people aren't the smartest people in the world.....)

Assurances:

"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
(few!!! I was so worried that poor little fluffy might get poisoning!!!)

Small Print From Commercials:
"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
(but I couldn't find any face paint???)

"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
(well maybe they shouldn't advertise it!!! I want a Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang!!!!)

"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
(Now you have to stop driving on those poor people....)

"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
(okay, now that's just funny!!! Eat Quickly!!!)

Signs and Notices:

"Husbands choosing wall color must have note from wives" --sign in a wallpaper & paint store

"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
(you just can't wait around for the bus... get their at the exact time...come on!)

"Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
(yes...watch out for those attack coconuts!!!)

"These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
(other wise know as the "loud pews".....)

"All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
(don't be hiding those cups!!!)

"Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
(oh my!!! what has the world come too!!!)

"Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
(well, who cares??? they are already in there.....)

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
(another favorite of mine!!! now why don't we just suggest shoplifting????)

"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
(well, what about my two-headed-friend here???)

"Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
(hmmm.... you mean I can't just NOT pay you....)

"No small children." -- On a Laundromat triple washer.
(I am telling ya washing the kids in a washing machine would be so much easier!!!)

Safety Procedures:

"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
(well, that makes me want to use that ramp....how about you???)

"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
(you just can't trust kids these days to run fast enough when their is a bunch of water after them...)

Ingredients:

"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
(really??? Fruit buns contain fruit...maybe....)

"100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
(I could have sworn it was string...)

"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case. Materials: Covering: 100% Unknown. Stuffing: 100% Unknown." -- On a pillow.
(well I hope that pillow didn't bother anyone....)

Instructions:

"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
(well.... I hope you didn't try cooking it already....)

"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
(well, lets just promote suicide why don't we...)

"Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
( I am so glad that was explained...I was so confused...)

"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
(Are you sure about the open mouth part.....)

"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
(which is...what?)

"Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
(well I hope you know how to use it then...)

"Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
(what a great idea!!!)

"Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
(really??? Can't we just force the cat to eat it???)

"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
(another think I am glad was explained because I was going to have to live in my car!!!)

"Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
(which would be ...what????)

"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
(it is just amazing the gadgets they come up with these days...)

Requirements:

"Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.
(make up your mind people!!!!)

Bumper Stickers:

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call the cops!

Car will explode upon impact

Do Not Wash! This vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.

I'm not deaf, i'm just ignoring you.

This vehicle may wreck or explode at any time for no apparent reason.

Honk if you illiterate

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Jesus. Don't leave earth without Him.

Don't take my signals literally.

Warning: I brake for hallucinations.

Pay attention and drive.

Honk if parts fall off!

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Hang up and drive.

Random Facts:

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
(anyone wanna check!? lol)

The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
(so sad....)

Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
(something I really would enjoy watching... from a distance... lol)

Most lipstick contains fish scales
(eeww... ok so NOW stop hasseling me about not wearing makeup OKAY!!!! lol)

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
(I KNEW IT!!! Ketchup is healthy!!! hahahaha!)

Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
(I just thought this was really cool... lol)

Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
(see there is a stratagy here... people gambeling if they don't know the time.. then they won't think about it right? Therefore they stay longer... gambeling more money away... right?)

The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
(yes Renee.. its true!! lol)

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
(lol, how many of you are gonna check???)

Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
( would like to see that actually... hehe)

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar
(good to know... and how many of you are trying to prove that right now??? hehe)

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand
(and you thought this list was completely useless.)

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb
(sign of a true civilized society right....?)

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
(ooooo I love apples twice as much now!!! hahaha)

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
(riiiiight... walking into a library.. first of all who would want to steal from a library when u can borrow them for free??? anyways... the first book I would think to steal.... guinness book of world records... I think not...)

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it
(families taking long car trips should adopt this same policy.)