eminemslife

Eminem's REAL Life: EXPOSED!

9:00am: Wake up to hypnotic sounds of John Tesh looping on CD player.
9:02am: Sway body in time to hypnotically tinkling piano.
9:05am: Get hold of self. Ready self for daily cussing, sneering and bird flipping practice. Prepare drool bucket.
9:45am: Have breakfast with family. Opt for something with bran. Lecture family on being regular.
11:30am: Daily conference call with Dr. Dre. Suddest collabration with Mr. Tesh. Curse at dial tone.
Noon: Go into writing room. Glance at offensive themes check list, supplied by record label.
12:01pm: Notice that last theme on list has been checked.
12:02pm: Panic.
12:03pm: Weep over drool bucket.
12:04pm: Pull self together. Decide that there must be some other way to continue career.
12:10pm: Begin new list. Decide diabetics could use a good ol' fashioned lyrical talking-to.
1:00pm: Practice rapping new song in front of mirror: You thnk you're all that with your insulin syringe/But you can't eat sugar, you stupid *&%#/I hope you OD on a candy store binge...
1:10pm: Bring in mail. Tear open new issue of fave magazine, Exercise for Men only.
1:12pm: Bathroom break!
1:30pm: Lunch with Britney. Compliment her newly highlighted locks. Ask for colorist's phone number. Giggle.
1:32pm: Remember required public persona. Sneer. Spit. Give waiter the finger. Ajust visor.
3:00pm: Do daily meditation in secret "John Tesh" room at home. Kneel before specially made bust of the former Entertainment Tonight anchor for inspiration.
4:30pm: Meet with stylist to review the "Eminem Look: 2001." Scratch head in confusion over crushed velvet clown suit. Decide stylist knows best.
5:00pm: Meet with tattoo artist for new ink. Scold him once more for misunderstanding direction for wife inspired tattoo. "It wasn't 'Rot in Pieces,' it was 'Reeses Pieces,' yo! She loves those!"
6:00pm: Call Britney to apoligize for earlier behavior. Assure that next time you will spit next to her feild greens, not in them. Giggle.
6:04pm: Bring Christina in on confrence call. Lend sympathetic ear about continuing rude behavior from Limp Bizkit's, Fred Durst. Assure her that she is fabulous, and that he is just jelous that she can show her tummy, and he can't. Giggle.
6:30pm: Carefully comb subtly highlighted Caesar hairdo in front of mirror.
7:00pm: Dinner with family.
7:30pm: Pat tummy and compliment wife on tasty meal by once again, not killing her. Congratulate self.
8:00pm: Touched by an Angel! You tell um', Della!
9:00pm: Make daily phone call to Vanilla Ice. Lent him vent. Assure him that things would have been different if he had only waited 10 years-and had possibly sported Caesar, for example, instead at gravity defying puff head. Curse at dial tone.
10:00pm: Put on headphones and relax to fave tunes. Those Backstreet Boys can really harmonize!
11:00pm: Put on favorite flannel, cow-print jammies.
11:15pm: Brush teeth. Admire well-cared for choppers in mirror. Smile. Remember self. Spit at reflection.
11:30pm: Say goodnight to family using middle finger.
11:45pm: zzzzzz my name is...zzzzzz my name is...zzzzzz

As seen in Jump magazine. By: Jackie Dearborn