| Dilbertisms |
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| 1. I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow dosen't look good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whoosing sound they make as they fly by. 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4. Accept that somedays you are the seagull, and somedays you are the windsheild. 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. 6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 7. My reality check bounced. 8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 10. You are slower then a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 11. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 12. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 13. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you up with experience. 14. A pat on the back is only a few inches away from a kick in the butt. 15. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, then you can't be promoted. 16. After any salery raise, you will have less money at the end of the month then you did before. 17. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're goning to get. 18. You can go anywhere if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 19. Eat one live toad in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 20. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 21. There will always be beer cans rolling around on the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home from the office. 22. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 23. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 24. To error is human, to forgive is not out policy. 25. Important letters that contain no errors will develope errors in the mail. 26. If you are good, you will get assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 27. You are always doing something marginal when your boss drops by your desk. 28. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 29. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 30. At work, the authority of a perosn is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 31. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 32. Follwing the rules will never get the job done. 33. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 34. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the lone ranger handle this?" 35. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. |
| Written by: Unknown |