| Assortments of the Lost Deep Thoughts ~ Don't Fight the Deepness~ |
| Jack Handey |
| 1. If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much. 2. Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend. 3. If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. 4. Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is the time when he's going to throw the best parties. 5. Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeon's wing. The odd thing was, all through his life, no one had ever laughed at his wing -- not even the mean kids at school. Then one day he realized why: He looked in the mirror and saw that, HE WAS A PIGEON! He crapped right there, as he often did, wherever he was. 6. One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something. Let me be suprised for a change. 7. If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood. 8. I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seed, tasted delicious, and would scream when you ate it. 9. When I picked up the little dead mouse that my cat had killed, at first, I felt sad. Then I felt hungry. I forget what happened after that. 10. In the first castles, I bet a common mistake was putting the torture room next to the master bedroom. Boy, you're just not going to get good sleep that way. 11. I think there is more wisdom in a single drop of rain then there is in all the books in all the libraries of the world. Wait, not rain. Super-concentrated brain juice. 12. I'd like to see a James Bond movie where James Bond gets behind financially and maybe has to take out a bill consolidation loan, because even when he's applying for the loan he's still real smart-alecky. 13. Probably on of the worst things about being a genie in a magic lamp is a little thing called "lamp stench." 14. The next time you go to the docter, go ahead and bring in a stool sample. They might need it. Better go ahead and bring some for the dentist too. 15. To become a knife thrower in the circus, they probably don't let you start off throwing at a live woman. They start you off with a little girl. |