Disclaimer: GW not mine, OC is mine. no sue, me no money.
Author's Note: Gorecki is a song by Lamb from the soundtrack of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. I just added the subtitle Into My Hands...*sheepish grin*. Okies, fic is for my brother, Sax and my sis, Manang. That's about it, I guess. On with the fic!
Gorecki [Into My Hands]
[blah blah] = lyrics
[If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here]
Pain? Yes, there is pain alright. I close my eyes really hard, trying to will the pain to go away. But it won't.
I must regulate my breathing. That I can't do, too. I am starting to see black, I feel nauseous. I slip into unconsciousness, oblivious to the outside world, oblivious to Heero's pounds outside the bathroom door and the worried cries that accompany his all-too loud knocking.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Duo, koi wake up. You're scaring me. Koi� koi! Shit for brains koi, wake up!"
I am roused to consciousness by the strong stench of ammonia and someone rudely shaking me. Then everything dawned to me. I am lying on the floor, my head on Heero's lap. Then I remembered the pain. My already bandaged wrists were stinging. Apparently, Heero applied first aid on me. Great! Another foiled suicide attempt.
Blood was still on the sink. My blood obviously.
"Shit koi, what the fuck were you thinking?!" Heero asked me like he was exasperated.
"No shit Sherlock, suicide obviously!" I shot back.
"Duo, koi, we talked this over already! Plus all those sessions with the shrink. Don't tell me its coming back again. Don't tell me all our efforts were wasted. And I thought you would think of me before you do this, I thought you'd stop. For me�for us."
[Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still my heart this very moment
Or it might burst]
I can see Heero's pain written all over his face. In his eyes I could see sorrow, anger, hurt and dismay. Hey, at least they showed emotion. Most of the time they're cold and emotionless.
"I know koi, I know but you don't know what it's like to be haunted. You have no idea. I told you before, once it gets me, I will start to waste away, then it'll get you and everyone I care about. The past-my past, it already started to kill me�slowly�here and here." I said, tapping my head and heart.
"It feels like it's eating me slowly. I do try to fight it. I do try to prevent myself from doing so. I try to gain control and fight it but when I close my eyes, everything is lost, the courage I summoned, my strength, they get lost with the fleeting images I see, too vague to make out. That's when I break down-after the images, when the memories come back. They haunt me again and again and I can do nothing, absolutely nothing to stop it."
[Could we stay right here until the end of time?
'Til the earth stops turning?
Wanna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for...]
I look up at Heero and I see confusion. Like him at first, I was confused but as time went by, it came to me that it was killing me softly and slowly.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It all began 8 months ago when I was sent back to Earth for a mission. I was sent there in a space pod, not with Deathscythe, for she was destroyed during a battle against the last strong remains of Romefeller and its affiliate the OZ. The Preventers won but at a high price. Quatre got killed inside his gundam, Trowa, Wufei and Heero were missing without a trace and I was sent back to the Colonial Cluster to be debriefed.
[All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race]
Anyway, I was sent to Earth again to execute 4 missions which are interrelated. First, to assassinate the surviving OZ official. There were reports that one officer survived and is establishing another underground organization similar to the OZ. This official had information where my lost comrades are. I have to find them before he does, before he kills them.
But it seems that I've lost my touch. I got captured, of course tortured too. They wanted to know who sent me. They knew that the Preventers' organization was already defunct.
The physical torture I could take; they cut off my braid and cut my hair. Now I look like Brad Pitt and I don't like it. They me hung upside-down and was submerged again and again into a pool-full of dingy sewer water, whipped me until my back bled, they detached my nails, they stuck rods, dildos, or anything up my ass, heck, they even sexually abused me. Sometimes, it felt like a sex marathon. After the general was through with me, the lower ranked officials followed, sometimes even my private guards would join in. Geez! It would go on and on and on and on... Those tortures are only few of which I went through. It went on for months, 1? 2 I think�I've lost track. It was hell lot of fun�
But during my second month being held as captive, that I couldn't forget. It was the cause of my delusion. [the term my shrink used on my condition, some kind of shrink she is�hn! Anyway�]
I was sleeping inside my dirty cell when someone kicked me hard on the side, thankfully not hard enough to break a rib. It was Julio, one of my private guards.
"Get up, kid! The General will be here"
I wanted to fight back but I knew they'd torture me more if I do so. That I learned the hard way. All I could do was talk back. "Hey, hey! Didn't your mama ever teach you to wake people nicely?! But I think not, guess she was too busy reading the neighbor's palm her dark, secluded and locked room."
"Watch your mouth kid! And don't talk bout my mama that way coz she ain't no whore!"
"Would you two ashloks shut the fuck up?! I'm trying to get some sleep here!" That was Mikhail. He's Julio's German partner. The guy's better than this sonuvabitch who kick me on the side.
"General!" Great! The biggest sonuvabitch has arrived. Time for his early morning routine: Butt-fucking Duo Maxwell.
But to my surprise, it wasn't what he had in mind.
"Get zis boy and bathe him, he stinks. He must be presentable to zee mazammoiselle." The bastard wasn't a bit foreigner, the guy was a fucking American with a fake accent. Crap.
[Could we stay right here until the end of time?
'Til the earth stops turning?
Wanna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for...]
By this time I was really curious. After two months, they would bathe me to what?! Be presentable to a girl�
As I sat in a tub full of warm and bubbly water while being groomed, I sorted my thoughts. It totally boggled my mind. Who was this girl? What is it about her that I have to be...presentable? Not that I was complaining that they were treating me like some first-class guy but there is definitely something fishy about this whole thing. What's the catch? That got me worried a bit.
After putting on my new clothes, just regular jeans and shirt and sneakers, they took me to a room with glass walls, actually, it was a two-way mirror. This was to be my new cell. It was nowhere like my previous cell. This one was way better-cleaner, cozier, brighter. I turned to my right and I saw another cell, adjacent to mine. The divider between that cell and mine was a thick and clear glass which wouldn't break easily, I presume. That cell looked like it belonged to a�girl. Maybe the girl they were talking about.
Curiously, there was a queen-sized bed in the middle and another bed on one corner of my cell. Why two beds? And why does the larger bed have chains and hancuffs on the sides? Chains and handcuffs...on beds...reminds me of bondage sex and sadism. Was this their plan? My questions is about to be answered.
Few moments later, a girl was brought into my cell. The guard who brought her said something like "You know what to do, girl. Do it right and please us." And the girl said nothing, but her eyes, everything she wanted to say was there.
The girl? She was beautifully dressed in a colorful blouse and a long skirt that reached the floor. She had bangles, too. She had black eyes, long, wavy hair, way longer than mine, slim physique. Her beauty and attire reminds me of a gypsy. Gypsy women had those captivating eyes and long hair that they never cut for fear of being cursed. I'm pretty sure she's one.
She approached me and said "They want us to have sex." Gee, she couldn't have been more blunt.
"What do you mean?"
"We're gonna have sex in front of all those people watching outside," she tilted her head towards the door of my cell. "It'd be like a live porn movie."
"How do you feel about it? Have you done this before?"
"No, I haven't done this before and I don't want to do it. I know you don't too. But we have to or else they will do something horrible to us."
"I know. Anyway, why are you here? Why were you captured?"
"I am a gypsy. My band was traveling east to find a new land. It was nighttime and I was in charge of cleaning the pots. While I did so, these men raided our camp, they killed everyone. I tried to escape but they caught me. They were about to kill me but this guy with a fake French and German accent came along and said that I'd be a good partner for their boy captive."
I wanted to ask her more when the door opened and a guard stormed in and pulled the girl away and slapped her. The guard shouted at her to get things going. The general was getting impatient.
The girl wanted to fight back but I took her to my arms and kissed her. The guard was pleased and left the room. I know he's watching.
The girl didn't fight back, rather she kissed me back as if her life depended on it. It did.
[All I've known,
All I've done,
All I've felt,
Was leading to this.]
My hands explored her body and she responded to my ministrations with moans. She returned the favor by exploring my tortured body; her touch light and gentle.
Between kisses, I asked her name. Clara, she said. It didn't sound gypsy to me. It wouldn't matter. She took off my shirt and ran her hands along my back, tracing the muscles there. I guided her to the bed without breaking the kiss and laid her there, positioning myself on top of her.
"Are you sure we'd do this? I could stop and take all the blame."
"No! I don't want other people to take the blame. We must go through this. It's OK, there's nothing we can do about it."
[All I've known,
All I've done,
All I've felt,
Was leading to this.]
I didn't answer, I just kissed her. I took off her blouse. I've exposed her upper body. Her skin was flawless, unkissed by the sun. My hand wandered to her right breast while the other to her left hip. I moved away from her lips and started kissing her face, her jaw, the side of her neck, her chest until I came to her breast.
I forgot that people were watching us outside. I poured all my attention on this girl. I wouldn't even care! Let them see, let them drool with envy. I am here with the girl while they have no one.
I teased her nipple with my tongue. She responded with a moan and arched her body against me. This sweet torture continued as I moved to her other breast. I did a lot of other things I couldn't even remember.
[Wanna stay right here until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for]
Pleasure surged throughout my body as I entered her. For a moment there I felt guilty for fucking her like she was some dark-alley whore but lust overrode my other senses. I was losing control.
We rose higher and higher with ecstasy and in my climax I cried out Heero's name while she a name that sounded familiar: Trowa.
Yes, it was definitely Trowa's name. But how? Maybe that was the reason these guys raided and killed everyone in Clara's tribe. No maybe not, it is the reason. I'll ask her about that later.
As time passed I learned more about Clara. The guy named Trowa she said was really Trowa. He gave her a new name. I wanted to know more about what she knows about Trowa but she said she didn't know much since he didn't talk much. That's Trowa alright. Her story was all mixed up and there were times I couldn't comprehend. Her experience shocked and trauamatized her and I'm not in the least bit surprised.
[The one that I've been waiting for]
On the third week of the fifth month, Clara told me something I will never forget: she was pregnant. Of course, I was shocked but I was definitely proud. I'm gonna be a father.
Maybe not. When the general found out our secret, he had the baby aborted. The grief was too much and Clara committed suicide. As for me, I wanted to die too. I lost my child and, though I hate to admit it, the woman I've grown to love.
I've tried so many times to end my life but a lot of shit would always tend to foil my attempts. I mean, if you were in my place you would too. First, I lost Heero, my gundam got destroyed, Quatre was killed, Wufei and Trowa vanished without a trace, so did Heero, I got captured, tortured beyond anyone's capacity, I was forced to humiliate myself in live shows with Clara. Yes, we had to screw around in front of everyone everyday. Then she shot herself and the biggest shit I had to put up with was the murder of my child. My baby.
Since they aborted my child, I haven't slept properly. I always had dreams of a little girl and a little boy, twins about 6 years old, running towards me shouting "Daddy!" They had my looks and Clara's too. But before they could reach me a dark shadow would appear and swallow them. I always try to save them but I can't. Then Clara's would shout "My babies!" And that dream always ended after Clara would shout. So they didn't kill my only child--they killed two of them. My twin babies.
[Wanna stay right here until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for]
One day, maybe on the seventh month, the base where I was held prisoner was bombed. Enemy soldiers infiltrated the camp. What do you know, Heero, Trowa and Wufei came to rescue me and destroy the base and everyone in it. Curious, curious indeed.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Fast forward. I got rescued, the base destroyed, and the enemies killed. Trowa and Wufei vanished without a trace again and Heero and I live together. I was debriefed, sent to see a shrink, etcetera, etcetera.
So you see, that's my story. But it's not done yet.
It's was 2 in the morning already I was still up, sitting in the living room, staring into space. Hours ago I slashed my wrists and Heero stopped me again. Now he's asleep in our room upstairs. He's pretty confident that I wouldn't try anything stupid again. Think again koi.
[The one I've waited for]
I went into the kitchen and switched the lights on. I searched the drawers and cabinets until I found what I was looking for--the sharpest knife in the house. I close my eyes for a second and the vague images returned. I opened my eyes again and knelt on the floor.
Without hesitation, I thrust the knife into the left side of my stomach and glided it towards the right. I fell backward on the floor and I lay there. I've gotta tell you it isn't cool looking at my intestines peaking out from that deep slice I've inflicted.
Don't worry I left Heero a goodbye note--ok, so it was a 10-page long letter. I don't know how he's gonna end his life but I know we'd be seeing each other soon.
[The one I've waited for]
I closed my eyes. To put it bluntly, I've died already. The images! I can see them they were growing clearer by the second. I see children, two of them, identical twins, standing under a rain tree[1], the wind playing with their hair and clothes. They were the same children in my dreams. Behind them was�Clara�her hands on each of the kid's shoulder.
They looked up at Clara and she gave a little nod. Then the kids ran towards me shouting "Daddy!". This time, no shadow swallowed them. This time they safely reached my out-stretched arms and I hugged them tight. Shit for brains, I was crying. A moment later, Clara was standing over us and she joined in.
Well, that isn't too bad, is it?
OWARI
[1] A rain tree is a tree locally known as acacia. I'm kinda sick of using cherry trees... heh! *cringes*
Author's Notes: Done finally. While I was writing the last part I was listening to Saliva's "Rest in Pieces". It helped me think about the outcome. Another thing, I have nothing against Americans and I mean nothing when I wrote the "...the guy was fucking American..." line.
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