Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. No sue, me no money.
Author's Note: I kinda ran out of ideas when I was writing this so...I don't know. But I like the way it turned out. *grins* Ehem! Fic is for Kenny, Cecilia, Jannel, and Vivi. Of course, the anti-Relena fans too.
Ah! Relena
//blah blah// = thoughts
"Oi Heero! Your obsessed girlfriend's on TV. She's complaining about the poor service she got while shopping at Prada," Duo Maxwell shouted. "Get yer ass over here and watch."
"Omae wo korosu! She's not my girlfriend!" Heero growled as he snatched the remote control from Duo and switched off the TV.
"Then why's the bitch stalking you?" Duo asked Heero, obviously annoyed when Heero rudely turned off the TV.
"I do agree with Duo, Heero. Relena's been stalking you since god-knows-when." Quatre said trying to stay calm. It always made him nervous whenever the topic of Relena and Heero came up. Heero tends to lose his temper when the topic pops.
"Et tu, Quatre?" Heero asked Quatre, trying his best to to look at Quatre without his Death Glare on. He knew how Quatre grew uneasy with that look.
Quatre just shrugged. He ain't saying nothing more. As for Duo, he flipped through the newspaper. He returned to the first page and read the headline aloud.
"Hey guys check this out! Relena Peacecraft asks support from everyone. It reads here that she can no longer take the pressure of being the Queen of the World. I suggest she abdicate her throne and lived in a cozy home with her husband, Mr. Heero Yuy and their children. What d'ya think, Heero?"
Duo jumped from the couch before Heero could make a move to kill him. Quatre took the task of pacifying the two when the doorbell rang.
"Don't do anything stupid you guys. I dun wanna clean up blood and gore when I come back." Quatre said before leaving them to answer the door.
Imagine Quatre's surprise when he saw who was at the door. Relena Peacecraft in the flesh. Speak of the devil.
"Erm, hey Quatre, is Heero there? I have something to say to him."
"Hang on a sec. I'll see if he's up for visitors."
"No. You don't understand, it's important. Didn't you understand what I just said? I want to talk to Heero now."
"Fine I'll go tell him you're here." Quatre said. This Relena bitch was getting to his nerves.
"Never mind, just lead me to him." Relena said, obviously assuming her Queenly airs. She pushed past Quatre and stood behind him, hands folded in front of her, her facial expression showing her impatience as she waited for Quatre to close the door and show her where Heero was.
Quatre exhaled deeply as he closed the door. //Why do I have to deal with this bitch who calls herself the Queen of the World//
Quatre lead Relena to the living room where Heero was trying madly to catch Duo while the latter had to elude the former lest he be killed. Both boys didn't notice that Quatre was back with a girl in a hot pink outfit tagging behind him.
Quatre knew that there was no way the boys would notice him. Relena maybe-in her outrageous flashy pink outfit against the room's summery hues of aqua, light green, yellow and white. He cleared his throat but still the boys didn't notice.
"Uh guys, visitor." Quatre finally said.
Duo made sure he was in a safe distance before he stopped and looked towards Quatre's direction.
"Oh hey Q-man, who's come to-" Duo stopped in mid sentence when he spotted the atrocious pink outfit and paled when a very sarcastic-looking Relena was looking at him, eyebrow arched and arms crossed in front of her.
"Heero, visitor!" Duo shouted when he saw Heero was nearing him wearing a murderous look.
Heero turned to see who was there while Duo rushed upstairs to seek the refuge of his bedroom safe from Heero. A lump formed in Heero's throat. Suddenly it felt so hard to breathe.
"R-relena. Nice to see you. I'll leave you two alone so you could talk in private." Heero said, wanting to leave immediately.
He didn't want to be anywhere within the 1 meter radius near Relena Peacecraft. For one thing, her stalking ways freaked him out. All five pilots knew that she had the hots for Heero and she watches his every move. But Heero wasn't too sure if she watches him whenever he uses the bathroom, etc. If she does, that's what he's afraid of.
"No Heero, come back here! I came to talk to you."
//Great! She wants to talk to me. It'd be one of those lengthy I-like-you-so-much-so-runaway-with-me speeches of hers. Nice timing, I'm so into my deadly mood. Gods, I could kill her now// Heero looked at Relena, dumbfounded. Well, you have to say his acting skills are better.
"You came here to talk to me?" Heero pointed a finger at Relena then at himself. "Me? Why? I thought you came to talk to Quatre. You know the rich, posh talk."
"I'm leaving you two then. I'd better start preparing lunch." Quatre said, never been happier that he was off the hook.
"Um, Quatre, would you bring me some refreshments, maybe some warm tea. Oh! And bring some sugar free cookies. Step on it, please."
//Oh! Now I'm the servant. Well! She can damn well lick my beautiful Arabian ass! There is no way I'm serving refreshments to her// Quatre went to his room. There were far better things he could and would want to do than stand around and wait for Relena's next orders. Lunch could wait until the brat left.
Heero, on the other hand, is starting to have the worst day of the week. He could swear he'd prefer Duo's teases rather than be stuck with P-crap girl for five minutes. He knew that there's nothing he could do so he slumped into his favorite chair, far from Relena, defeated.
As soon as Heero sat down, Relena advanced on him and literally threw herself at him. She arranged herself that she was sitting on Heero's lap, her arms around his neck.
"Oh Heero, my Heero, I really need your help. Last Tuesday, Fluffy died and I was so sad. I cried myself to sleep for three days. Then when I went to the mall two days ago, that saleslady at Prada didn't treat me nicely. She even had the nerve to call me a snotty little bitch. Then yesterday, when I was dining at my favorite Italian restaurant, I complained that my wine glass was dirty and they didn't notice me. And the bartender didn't even bother to say sorry when he forgot to place an extra olive in my martini."
"Oh Heero, they didn't even care who I was. They treated me like I was some kind of low life girl! It's very rude of them." Relena said to Heero, looking all teary-eyed in hope that Heero would pity her.
"What's your point Relena? You want me to find them and kill them?" Heero asked flatly.
"Will you? Will you really do it for me, Heero?" Relena asked. That seemed to cheer her up.
"What for? It's really good that you have a taste of how the ordinary citizens of the world are being treated. You elites know nothing but your posh, extravagant lifestyle. You damn well deserved it, Relena Peacecraft. Now if you would be so kind, please leave immediately, I'm not feeling very well."
"Damn you, Heero Yuy! Damn you to hell! I came here for your sympathy and you do what? Shun me? I expected something better from you, Heero. Then again, you're just like them. Screw you! Screw you all, all you low lives!" shouted Relena as she got off Heero's lap. She stood in front of him, her hands on her waist. She looked really pissed.
"Ohoho! Peacecraft lost her temper. I thought you had to be neutral you know, you have to keep the peace."
"Well, fuck it! I've lost my temper! Inconsiderate low lives make me lose my temper. I'm supposed to be a pacifist but people like you, uh! I can't stand it. You or this�this piece of dingy shack you call home! I can't stand it. What's more, I thought you loved me! Why are you talking to me like this? I'm your girl, you shouldn't call me bad names!!!!!!"
"Pacifist my ass, Peacecraft. No one invited you here in the first place. You came here on your own free will. We wouldn't want our peaceful, 'dingy' shack destroyed by an elite, pacifist bitch like you. And don't ever make the same mistake of calling me your boyfriend! I don't love you. I hate you. I'm sick of you! Besides, I'm happy with my relationship with Quatre!"
"*Gasp!* You're with Quatre! What does he have that I don't? We're both rich, we're both blondes, we both have the same curvaceous bodies. There isn't any difference. So why him? Why not me?"
"That's where you're wrong Relena Peacecraft. There is a difference, and a very big one it is."
"What is it then?"
"Quatre has a brain, you don't. And I don't want you to destroy our relationship. We have a very, very great and active sex life." Heero said waving a finger in front of Relena's face
Heero tried his best to laugh out loud. He tried to imagine the look on Quatre's face when he's tell him that he told Relena that he and Quatre were a couple. And that look on Relena's face when he mentioned his sex life. He could die laughing.
Relena screamed. "Nooo!! You can't! You will pay Heero! You broke my heart and now you shun me! Aaaaa!! I'll get you one of these days, Heero. I swear in the name of my empire!" Relena stalked out of the house and slammed the door after her and got onto her hideously pink limousine which drove off which a screech.
Duo and Quatre went out of their respective rooms and rushed to the living room, eager to ask Heero questions. Not that it was necessary for Duo. He practically heard everything Heero and Relena spat at each other. Thankfully, Quatre was listening to Mozart on his walkman at a very loud volume.
Heero looked at Duo then Quatre, then back at Duo, then at Quatre then at the kitchen door.
"How does lunch outside sound? My treat."
"Goody!" Quatre squealed.
"Finally, grub! I'm freaking starved, man. C'mon! Let's go!" Duo said excitedly. //Maybe Relena should come by more often, then we'd eat out more often too. Not that Quatre's cooking is bad //
*~*~*~*~*
Relena Peacecraft sat inside their library, trying to formulate a plan to get back at Heero. She lifted her scotch glass to drink and noticed there was nothing but ice cubes left. She stood up to refill her glass when she saw the decanter was empty too. In rage, she threw it out the window, smashing the glass.
All her pent up anger bubbled to the surface. She let out a feral scream which rang throughout the mansion. Thankfully, everyone was out. She shuddered as an image of her very, very angry mother popped in her head.
Finally she took a deep breath and calmed herself. She sat back on the chair and stood back up when she sat on something. She turned to look what it was and saw that it was her pink mobile phone. Then an evil idea occurred to her.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Ding-dong!
//Who could is be at the door? I sure hope it's not Relena!// Quatre thought. Heero was dragged out of the house by Duo. God knows where they went.
As Quatre opened the door, the mailman peeked in and looked at Quatre.
"'Elo zeh meesteh! I haf a packesh foh eh Meesteh Quatwe Wabehba Weenneh. Fwum a Meesteh Heewo Yu."
"I'm Quatre Raberba Winner."
"Sign hewe please," the man said, handing a clipboard to Quatre which he signed and returned to the mailman.
"Well zen, hees ye packesh. Haf a gut day, seh!" the mailman said, tiling his cap as he left the house.
"Thank you, too mister!"
Quatre closed the door behind him and sat in the living room, inspecting the package. It didn't have any card. It was wrapped in cheap manila paper. He gave it a shake, which was difficult to do because it was a big package. Despite it's size, the thing wasn't heavy.
//Package from Heero? What's the occasion? Why didn't he just give it to me personally// Quatre checked the calendar. May 01. //What is this? A late April Fools' gift?! Better ask him about this later//
But�
Like Pandora, Quatre's curiosity got the better of him. The moment of truth is here. He opened the box and poof! Pink smoke escaped from the box. //That's all?!//
It not over yet. From inside the box, Quatre heard some kind of silly laughing. It sounded like�like Relena! He peered inside and saw a weird looking clown, about a foot tall, wearing a very evil smile and a very evil gleam in its eyes, working it's way out of the box. As it hopped onto the floor, Quatre concluded that the horrible thing looked like�shit.
Try imagining a party clown with a psychedelic afro, wearing a PINK dominatrix' dress [complete with all those ruffle and laces *shudder*], with evil eyes and an equally evil smile. On it's right hand was a plastic knife. A dildo was attached to it's pink belt. It didn't look scary, it was down-right idiotic.
It still continued to laugh like Relena's fake, high-pitched laugh which went on for a minute longer. Quatre wanted to turn it off when it started talking-well, the recording that is.
"Heero is mine. Heero is mine. Heero is mine. Mine, mine, mine! He isn't yours, he isn't yours, he's not yours!"
"Look here you blonde Arabian bitch! Heero is mine and I will do anything to get him back. I don't care if you're prettier, I don't care if you're�you're�oh fuck it! I. DON'T. CARE! He's mine! Give him back."
The hideous clown's rants went on and on and on but to Quatre it was amusing. Relena was dumb enough to believe that he and Heero were together.
Quatre heard the front door slam and got up to see who it was. Heero.
"Heero, how' was your-"
"Shh." Heero raised his hand and signaled him to be quiet. "What are you doing with that thing?" Heero asked in a loud whisper.
"What, what?" Quatre asked.
"Recording of Relena's voice." Heero said, still whispering.
"Oh that, it was sent to me earlier."
Heero entered the living room and snatched the clown. In one swift movement, he snapped its neck and the room fell silent.
"Quatre, I need to ask you a favor and I'd rather you don't mention anything about this to Trowa."
"OK, shoot."
"Whisper�whisper�whisper�"
"*giggle�whisper�giggle�.*"
"It's settled then! We'd better do it now, when Duo isn't here." Heero said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
"Let's go!" Quatre squealed excitedly and he grabbed Heero to his bedroom.
*~*~*~*~*
"Video tape?" Heero asked Quatre.
"Check!" Quatre answered while checking the contents of a shoebox.
"DVD copy?"
"Check!"
"20 page report?"
"Check!"
"All set then. Wrap it up now Q, while I get dressed. This is one urgent package."
Heero left Quatre's room to change clothes.
*~*~*~*~*
Ding-dong.
Pargan, Relena's butler opened the door to find a mailman standing outside.
"May I help you sir?" the butler asked the mailman.
"Yees, thewe's eh packesh foh eh cehten Mees Welena Peeshcwapt," the mailman replied.
"I will take it for her, sir."
"I am vewy sowwy seh, buht I was given stwict ohdehs that this packesh be given to Mees Welena Peeshcwapt only."
"Very well, I shall tell her. If you don't mind, I shall leave you here for a while."
A moment later, Relena Peacecraft appeared at the door and confronted the mailman.
"A package for me? Who is it from?"
"Ah you Mees Welena Peeshcwapt?"
"I am she."
"Zeh is a packesh foh you fwom eh�eh�"
"From who?"
"Eh Meester Heewo Yu."
"OH! That's wonderful!" She said, clapping her hands.
"Sign hewe please."
Relena signed the clipboard, gave it back to the mailman, snatched a pink package from him and slammed the door in his face.
The mailman was stunned. //Fucking rich people//
Meanwhile in her bedroom, she opened the package and took out a stack of papers from the box. She read it and when she finished, took out a CD which was included in the package. //Maybe this is a recorded apology from Heero after he found his beloved Quatre in hysteria *evil laugh*//
She popped the CD into the player and waited. She poured herself some scotch and took a sip.
She almost choke on it as the amateur movie started. It showed Quatre and Heero in bed, kissing! She decided to watch on, convincing herself it was one of Heero's teases. The screen turned black and was replaced by a still image with the words "Not suitable for children" was written. On the background she could hear passionate moans, gasps, grunts and other sounds like people were having sex. She dismissed the idea, again.
The screen turned black again but the sounds were still there. The movie resumed, this time showing Heero on top of Quatre, naked though covered by a thin blanket. Obviously, they were�were�
Relena wouldn't even want to think about it. She let out a sharp feral scream and grabbed the player and threw it out the window. She continued screaming as she grabbed hold of the TV and threw it out another window, smashing the glasses. She threw anything that she could grab hold of. [Well, I think you get the picture]
Meanwhile, Heero sat with Quatre on the couch. Both boys were laughing like hell.
Catching his breath, Quatre spoke up. "I bet she's gone crazy by now."
"Oh she is, she is." Heero replied between laughs.
OWARI
Author's notes: This fic started out as a songfic, inspired by Good Charlotte's song but I changed my mind...so this is it. *sigh* Could anyone tell me why i can't write a short 4-page long story? My fics are about 6-9 pages long. Sometimes more! Ahhhh!!! I can't!!! *takes a swig of TK's Vanilla Coke*
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