My Life As The Energizer Bunny
It all started out in Vegas. My mother was a show-bunny, and my father was the Easter bunny. I basically had an average childhood, but then again, everyone has hid or her own problems. My father was a recovering alcoholic, and my mother was a transvestite. But that was all right, I thought everyone's parents were like mine. At school I was the best at marathon racing, my other hobbies included playing the drums. Never did I imagine I'd get to do both, and get paid for doing it!
When I was about twenty I moved to Hollywood, like most rabbits do. I worked in McDonalds while trying to establish a serious acting career. Unfortunately I wasn't taken very seriously. You'd be surprised at how rabbit-prejudiced some people are. I got used to bugs-bunny jokes, however, and never let it get me down.
One bright sunny August morning I saw an ad in the newspaper that read: "Wanted, Bunny-actor who is musically inclined and has great amounts of endurance". This was my big break! I was a shoe-in! I quickly hopped over to the studio and got an audition, it lasted for three months, but when it was over, I got the job! My life was starting to come together, at last!
Fame and fortune soon changed me, however. Now that I was a big star I made the mistake of letting it go to my head. People on the street were flocking to me every time I went out, and I was constantly being called on for jobs and interviews, all that power changed me. I became pompous like most famous actors, and my biggest quest in life was to get more money. Oh, it wasn't because I needed it, hell if the truth be known, I was rolling in it! But the work was starting to get to me. I was wearing out. Then those damn Duracell Lizards moved in for the kill, the pressure was more than anyone should be put through, so I resorted to drugs.
Thus began my serious drug abuse phase, I always had to be high, on and off the set. My agent was getting worried, and my boss was getting angry. But I didn't care; all that mattered were my drugs. I became bitter as a result, my popularity plummeted after the enquirer found about that I was an addict, I said I never inhaled, but they didn't care one way or another, they're just like everyone else: out to make money at any cost. After I had been threatened to be fired, I hit rock bottom, I had smoked up most of my fortune, and knew I couldn't live without my drugs. I checked in to the Betty Ford Clinic as soon as I could.
After a few months of extensive rehab I checked out, and vowed to start my life anew (and drug free). I went back to the studio and got my job back, on the condition that I would never do drugs again, I readily agreed. After the darkness passed, I began to see things from a new perspective, and to respect and appreciate all that I had.
Now I have been approached by a publisher who is offering me a large sum of money to publish my biography, I agreed, and thus I am writing this now. My advice to the reader is to appreciate what you have, and don't let your ego get the better of you, and most importantly...