I was standing in front of my home, the place I reside in.

Lived in. Pass tense.

Only shadows of once vibrant memories surface. The sun out, air cold and crisp. A stark counterpoint to the emptiness that filled my hollow soul. The soundlessness of this place a comfort.

Methodically I placed one foot in front of the other, the solidness of the rust coloured bricks enchanting me. The sound of my footsteps lull me into a comfortable haze. The colour of the bricks brings a flash of memory. I get to the door to soon, I turn and walk back to the bottom of the porch. This time I close my eyes and just listen to the sound, blocking everything out. Thump. Thump. Thump. Again at the door too soon but I enter using my set of keys.

Blasted with familiar smells, I stepped through the door of recent and long ago memories.




A young woman with short curly brown hair walked peacefully through a calm wooded forest. It was serene here. The birds chirped happily, a sculled in the underbrush could be heard nearby, a trickling of water not to far ahead. She stopped for a few minutes and looked up through the treetops. The sky was a bright blue, the leaves green and lush, lazy clouds floated by. Eyes closed she could feel the warmth from the golden sun beam she was standing in. The smell of fresh youthful grass, of dark damp soil, of the hardy steadfast trees around her, the smell of old flower plants flooded with colour and blossoms anew, and many other smells that competed with each other for existence. An incandescent smile on her face. This was a place she adored. A place she knew. An old friend.

The spirited young woman filled with a vigor commonly known to have continued her walk down a well beloved path to the edge of the small river.

I stood there in the middle of the living room surrounded by family photos and knickknacks. A faint pain in my chest was felt, but it didn't mean anything. Just a memory of how I would have felt before at seeing all these familiarly foreign objects.

A tiny yip from the kitchen and a small body is hurling in my direction. A small smile tugs at my lips as I pet the furry little animal. Our dog. What a funny little thing it is. This small bundle of energy and love. The dog following me, unusual for the dog to do comes the faint echo of a thought, I go to the room that I sleep in. Slept in, I have to get these tenses right. My once cherished books in a bookcase of rosewood don't keep my gaze. Faded pictures on the wall from my youth and shiny new ones escape my sight. The usual unkept bed unnoticed too. This shrine of my life holds nothing now. Just a plethora baubles and furniture useless to me. I open a drawer to pull out a large, bulging manila envelope. I close the door to that place one last time, never to be opened by my hand again.

Why did I come here? What was the point? I assume I came by rote. Nothing more. A reflex from a different life. If I could have called it a life.

Without further thought I walk into my parents room to my mother's side of the bed. I sit on the bed to pick up a well worn brace she uses for her carpel tunnel. It fit just right. It stabilized my broken wrist without hurting it more to get it on. But the pain doesn't matter anyway, it would have been a welcomed feeling. That could come later. Not like my wrist is going to heal anyway. I leave the envelope on the bed.

I know I don't have much time so I walk back downstairs to the front door, the dog still following me. She whines loudly. Rose never whines when someone leaves. I tilt my head at her, not saying a word. Rose gives a long howl. I kneel down on one knee to look her in the eyes. I see grief in those small eyes. Then I see it. Rose knows. She does. For the first time I feel a real emotion, not a memory of one. It's small and fleeting but it was there. She licks my cheek, still whining. I kiss the top of her head before I stand up. Rose paws at my leg, a last ditch effort to get me to stay. I say goodbye then walk out the door, a loud torn howling could be heard. I could swear that I saw a tear go down Rose's face through the glass as I had looked back one last time. That's crazy, dogs can't cry.




She stopped next the edge of a high, steep embankment that ended with just a little crest of flat earth before the ground plunged beneath the water. Rocks jutted out from the side making the smooth earth anything but. The smile was still on her face as she looked out onto the flowing water. In every motion, flow and ebb of the current showed her how full of life everything around her really had. The gamut of emotions swelled in her big heart, from sorrow to complete joy. Her heart was known among her friends and acquaintances as always full.

She heard a twig snap behind her. Smiling she slowly turned around expecting to see one of the usual family of deers that roamed the paths. The young woman didn't get half way around before she was hit hard with something solid on the shoulder, it was then she noticed the stillness of the woods around her. The pain didn't have time to register before she felt herself falling down, hitting the rocks hard. A loud crack echoed in her ears as intense pain rocketed up and down her arm. Her hand went numb as she skidded to a halt just before the river. She stood up and clutched at her broken wrist. The young brown haired woman didn't even get her head all the way up to see her attacker when every air particle popped with a loud crash. Her mind didn't even register the pain as in automatic response she pushed both hands to her chest to stop the flow of blood. A splash was heard. Then there she was floating down the river, heart still beating, blood flowing out of her chest, still seeing, still feeling the pain...down the river she floated.




I stopped at the bank on the way to the bus stop. The jingle of my keys hitting the coins in my pocket gave me something to concentrate on. I needed to finish this. I withdrew all the money from my accounts, pocketing the cash I waited on the bench for my bus. The constant movement and sounds failed to make any impression as I waited for my bus. The bus I needed pulled up. I boarded without a word, paid for the ride and a transfer. I didn't bother saying thank you or hello. No point. I just took my seat at the back of the bus.

I watched the world pass by without seeing. This bus ride wasn't going to last long. Yet it was going to be the longest one I would ever experience. I was running out of time. I needed to talk with them before they got the call. I needed to. I had to. I get off at my stop and look at the school my mother works at. Family day. I ran hand through my curly short brown hair, a motion done more by automatic response then want.




The bleeding woman drifts down stream a few yards before she floats into a side, stagnant pool of water. She feels weak so she lets go of her chest and lets her arms float beside her. She feels the warm blood flowing freely now from my chest. She can still see as her eyes drift down to look at her chest. My blood is now turning the greenish brown water a light red. She watches as the blood keeps flowing, turning the water a darker red by the second. I feel her heart slow. My blood has turned this little pool of water completely red. Some of my red water drifts out to into the main river. Everything is so cold now. I can't move. I don't breath. My heart is stopped. I hear a splash and someone frantically sloshing over to me. He's yelling at his wife to go into the house and call the authorities. I can't tell him it's too late. I'm already dead. I feel myself being pulled out of the water. It's no longer brown. It's blood red. My blood red. I hear his wife call back that the line is dead again. He curses loudly about the damn phone company. He finally checks my pulse. I hear a sigh and a muttered too late. The last of my blood soaks the earth as he stands up to tell his wife to drive into town and call from there. It's too late.

It's too late.




I walk onto the campus of the small school. The school just rents the property from a church. I remember loving this place. Feeling safe and loved here. I don't feel that anymore. I talk with people I knew from that life. When my heart was beating. When I had blood running through my veins and not the emptiness that resides now. I see my mother. I say hi and that I made it. She seems happy to see me. My father and two brothers are right behind her. I hug them only because they do so first. They all seem happy to see me. But not one of them notice I haven't smiled yet. They all seem happy. My mother tells me that my friends are still going to pick me up from here, they should arrive soon. I give her a slight nod in thanks.

I talk dully with a few more people until I hear my name being called. It them. Again I only hug the ones that hug me first. They talk with me excitedly. Still I'm not smiling or even showing interest. I want to scream at them. Why aren't they seeing? Don't they notice that something is wrong? Can't they tell I'm dead? But they don't notice. I don't yell out. I don't cry. I don't offer any emotion. I don't feel anymore. There's a blanket that covers me, I know those emotions are there...I can tell they are there. But it's dulled. I move my broken wrist to feel something besides dead. A broken wrist that will never heal.

My friends from the school and family invite the ones that just arrived to celebrate with them. It's a school function of celebration. They've heard me talk so much about them, they feel as if they know the new comers already. They agree knowing that we have time before we had to leave. I don't tell them otherwise. My time is up. I know the police are going to be calling soon to tell my family and friends to stay there. Then the police will stop here and break the news to them. That I'm dead. They'll bring pictures out to show them. But she was just right here, she can't be dead. But I am. I'm not alive. I'm not in limbo. I'm dead. Gone. They will realize this. The letters in the manila envelope are waiting. Pieces of paper written just in case. Just in this case.

I look at them one last time before turning around to leave. Without a twitch or a second glace behind I walk to the bus stop so very close to the school just as a bus pulls up. I give the driver my transfer. This one will take me to the airport. There I'll board a plane to no where.