Hi. I'm back, I guess; my life changed some and my old envy.nu site got erased and stuff, so I haven't been online representing my whole tranny thing lately. There are a bunch of reasons for that, but the main one is probably that I've had a falling out with the whole tranny thing, all the shit that comes along with- well, with any self-labeling, but particularly a label you don't tell anybody in your life about, so it becomes a secret, and then all you can identify with is people online, and ...

Right, this should be in the first person. I think I got sort of drawn into identifying as transsexual, for some reason, and at the moment, I'm not feeling classically transsexual. I haven't for a while. (By classically, I mean 'going across genders,' or like trading teams, you know?)

Here's the thing: that relationship I refused to talk about, which lasted years and years, and I'd always sort of allude to without talking about? It was particularly unhealthy, and I was using obsessive internet journaling as a sort of escape from it, a means of focusing my attention away from my fucked up unhealthy relationship. Um, which is not to say that I was lying when I wrote about gender being a pervasive issue in my life, since I was like five years old, or anything; oh no. It's just that, hmm.

See, you know how you'll read the web pages older transsexuals make, and they're like, I lied to myself for fifty years, joined the army and got married and couldn't admit myself to myself, until now? Yeah, I've sort of done that early, and in reverse. Past that relationship, now I'm living pretty genderlessly- not entirely, but I'm working on it. I'm still learning ways in which that relationship fucked me up, baggage I'd picked up and not realized I'm still carrying, and i'm still unlearning a lot of gender stuff. But maybe because I'm not so agressively repressing any more, I'm finding the necessity of actually transitioning to be non-existent.

I mean, here are some things I've learned: I can be skinny without being a girl. I can shave body hair without being a girl; I can paint my nails and wear make-up (although i don't do the latter often enough) without transitioning. I can perform cunnilingus all the fucking time without having to be literally a lesbian, although sometimes I do self-identify as a dyke; why not? Fuck it, they're just words, and I'm claiming whichever I want.

Further, since I'm just rambling to try and explain where I am right now, here is something that frustrated me, which I know Becky has written about; I don't trust post-op (or at least post-transition) transsexuals, like, say, Kate Bornstein- not that she's not a hero or anything, I'm just sayin'- telling me that gender doesn't matter. I mean, fuck you, then why have you transitioned? Sure it's easy to say that in retrospect, now that you've changed to your preferred gender and it doesn't matter to you now. And I think, well fuck it, I've got a lifetime, I'm not obsessed with the ASAP thing now, and I really don't like the idea of going on hormones and alienating people and surgery and everything, so why not... i mean, isn't there an alternative? I don't know that, for me, transition is the only option.

Oh, well- on the issue of alienating people, that's a lie. I don't really mind alienating a lot of people. Fuck 'em.

But yeah, that's where I stand now, in my tight pants lavendar nail polish, obsessively shaven face and tight-ass shirt, feeling like biology actually isn't destiny. Exploring. I'm not a hundred percent happy with where I am- I'm working a shit office job, saving money to finance graduate school, writing fiction without knowing an address to send it, for publication. I can only paint myself up when I'm not at work. But oh well, man, I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago, or whatever.

Oh. Right. So, the point of this? I am eventually going to try and set up a repository for all the journaling I have done, because there are some good phrases and ideas in there. It's just a matter of finding time and stuff, because I am with somebody new who blows my mind, makes everything easier, and with whom I have an honest-to-god healthy and loving relationship. Which is weird, but which is also good; but which also tends to keep me away from the internet, due in part to the aforementioned cunnilingus.

Um, getting back to the point, I just don't want to disappear from this internet thing, while I'm taking forever to set up my cool retrospective site thing. So this is a place to link to, or whatever, because I know people have links to me and stuff, and the fact that I don't count myself as transsexual any more does not mean that I am giving up on all the friends I've made and stuff; that would be stupid. Plus I like attention. So, here's something, anyway.