So... It's been months since I wrote here. I don't know. I miss writing all my obsessive gender.. um, obsessions, all the time. I miss the tone I'd take when I was writing this stuff. It's like, even a couple months later, I can feel myself dropping back into that groove, picturing you all, my ideal intended audience, even though I doubt anybody really checks into this site wih any regularity.

It's weird, too, I just went and looked at Alyssa's site, and it's all redone. I don't know when she redid it- it could have been a week or two, I haven't checked in lately. I don't look in on everybody much now, even though I'm thinking about you. And um, before I go any further? That picture, Alyssa, of you on your front page- I had no idea you'd be so gorgeous. I don't think congratulations is the right word, but it's the closest I can come up with.

So, here's my update. I quit my old job, I work in a bookstore. I recommend Kate Bornstein on the staff recommendations bookshelf, I fraternize with gay people at work, and it's common knowledge that I'm fascinated by gender. I dye my hair like ginger spice, I've lost weight. I'm quitting smoking.

My life is good, I'm happy, although as Jeanette Winterson pointed out in the passion, adults talking about being happy is usually bullshit. (That's not a direct quote.) Little kids? They're just happy, they don't need to talk about it. Grownups, don't believe them if they say they're happy.

Having said that, though, I am doing really well. I'm poor as hell, which is not romantic, it just sucks. No matter what anybody tells you. But other than that, I'm great.

I'm still with my significant other, with whom I've been for just under a year- our anniversary's in a couple days. And we're both self conscious and retarded and obsessive and prone to worry, which works out very well. I mean, we get stupid about ourselves and our relationship and stuff, but we talk about it, too. We're- if possible- a healthy couple. Not perfect, healthy. Which is all I could ask for in somebody else.

I buy lots of my shirts from the women's section in a thrift store in Princeton.

Hmm... my eyebrow ring is growing out and I'm contemplating a lip ring, and also a tattoo on my elbow & forearm, y'know, the same shit I'm always contemplating. More earrings.

Oh! I'm working on my novel, still, and another book, the idea of which is a sort of memoir of the time I was obsessively blogging and trannynetting and so forth, y'know, when I was talking with becky and alyssa and pirategrrl and lyta and everybody all the time. I don't know, could be interesting.

I still don't work enough, I still get pissed at myself. I'm postponing graduate school another year. I'm moving to New York in six months.

Hmmm, this is some surface shit. What's going on, where's the heart and soul and bare nerves we come to expect from me? sigh I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am going numb again. I am so uncertain about things sometimes, but I mean, not just about gender, like I used to be.

Man, I feel like I'm repeating myself. Here is the thing: creation is the only thing I really get much satisfaction from. That's it. Creating music, painting, writing, whatever. Same as always, I guess. I just have no idea what I want to create. More specifically, which direction I want to roll toward, in order to create what I want. And I know, I can go one way- say, magical realist- and then change my mind, go in another direction, but I'm having trouble... committing, I guess. Which is why I'm reluctant to go to graduate school for writing right now: School is for honing what you've got. I don't know exactly what I want to hone, you know?

So right now I'm hanging out trying to enjoy life. Which the zen buddhist in me is screaming is okay, and that I should enjoy, but the western fuck that's dominant isn't having it. My American self is all biggerbetterfastermore, wanting to get ahead, get paid, accomplish things, not wanting to wait around working on craft. Wants to get into graduate school, get moving. I have to shtu that fuck up.

But yeah, I do miss you all. And I've been feeling rawer lately, less... flatliney, I guess, less stable, which means more creation and frustration, so I don't know if it's better or worse. Just different, just a place more likely to create.

Oh! So the main thing was, I was posting this because like I said I was just looking at Alyssa's site. And I'm in the links! Even though I almost never update any more, and I'm not much internet fun any more, and I suck. And seeing this site there was kind of bittersweet. I mean, it makes me so happy that I'm still there- I'm so glad, you know... Thanks, Alyssa, for reviewing your links and deciding to keep me. It means a lot to me, and I'm sorry I haven't been in touch much or anything. But like I was saying, I miss you all.

And yes, bigger better faster more was the title of the 4 Non-Blondes album.