So. It's been a few months since I've posted to this site; I don't know, I'm trying to keep away from making this a proper journal. I have a couple things I want to get out, though. So.

One, this is an important realization. When I was calling myself transsexual? I wanted to be somebody else. It's occurred to me that, literally, I wanted to be somebody else: if I could make myself female? Well then, hell yeah, by default, I would be somebody else. New name, new body (well, in my head, this future body of mine? It wasn't the same body I was living in.) You know?

I remember talking to rebecca about the whole messy thing, and she said something about how it was this great opportunity to, like, reset your life; you transition, you get to decide who you are. No handed-down mannerisms- you get to be hyperself-conscious enough that you forget 'em! You get to leavebehind all your bad habits- again, since I'm not sure I clarified, I'm just talking about what it looked like, to me, not what transsexuality actually is. Specifically: I wouldn't have to be such a mess all the time! I would learn to keep house better, because y'know, I'd have to, to pass. I wouldn't have to get sweaty doing things I like to get sweaty doing, because being sweaty and stinky is gross, and I don't like dealing with that. Or I sort of do, I don't know, I have this antagonistic relationship toward things like fencing and mosh pitting and, you know, playing volleyball at people's parties: it's fun, but it also sucks. Well, you transition, you don't have to worry about any of that, right?

See, I'm a total idealist at myself. I am furious for myself for everything I don't accomplish, every day, no matter how much I do accomplish. I figured... well, all my temporalizing habits, all my time wasting, I could unlearn that, with a fresh start. I mean, becoming somebody else, name and all, damn! That's attractive. It would be starting over, you know? Just this time I could completely determine who I wanted to be, without all those pesky habits developed in youth and stuff.

Which, of course, is not reality. This is fantasy. A different kind of fantasy than you see at fictionmania, a muchmore believable fantasy, but this was permeating this gender frustration I was going through.

See, ahh, gender. It's weird. No longer identifying as transsexual? Actually dealing with gender stuff (I'll get into this in a little bit), I find myself... see, I find myself still getting depressed, right? Obsessive and fucked up, like I used to. But- I was doing this thing, I was hanging all my depression, everything stupid and messed up about me, onto this one hook, labeled "transsexuality." Which, of course, was easy to do- I could obsess over it, I could not talk about it and therefore let it fester- I spent so much time in my room, those two years I was keeping my old site, man, it would make for good drama. Or maybe a good book, since somebody typing for two hours doesn't make a good movie. But it makes a beautiful metaphor! I was secluded and typing.

Which- right. The point is, I still get depressed, but I've found that I've stepped back, I don't have the gender hook to hang everythingon, any more, you know? I can go, shit, I'm feeling fucked up, why. And I don't automatically think, because I don't ever get to look pretty, because I don't ever get to feel attractive. Nope. I go, well shit, it has to do with this other thing in my life! And I obsess about it for a while, and then- get this!- I admit what's wrong, I talk to somebody about it, I get it cleared up, and I get on with my life. Weird, right? It's so... healthy. I don't know, man, it feels good. It feels right! This would all be me lying to myself and rationalizing, saying this because I don't want to be transsexual, if it didn't feel so right.

I mean yo, I didn't- don't want to be transsexual. I'll adnmit it, sure, but y'know, I'd feel it in my belly if I were rationalizing away. I think. Right? I mean, I could ask myself in circles, y'know, 'but yo it felt right tocall yrself TS, and that was wrong...' well, true, but it felt right then. This feels right now. I'm not trying to predict how I'll feel in five years- I'm not trying to predict how I'll feel in friggin' two weeks.

Anyway. So yeah! I actually work through problems instead of internalizing everything and then blaming gender. I mean, I'm not perfect at it. But I'm much better at just dealing than I was.

So anyway. The whole dealing with gender thing? See, I thought you had these options: be normal and dress only in things from the "men's" section, be a transsexual and dress only in things from the "women's" section, or be a freaky androgynous kid and, well, I don't know. Take mainly from the women's section but don't front like you're actually a woman, or something. But, by fucking around, jumping into things I am afraid of, I've found myself this spot, this way more comfortable spot, where I don't have to transition, I don't have to cross-dress in any real frustrating sense- I just get to wear things I like. I canbuy from either section. Here is my metaphor:

When I first started painting my nails, last year? I was all, okay, I will either not paint my nails or I will paint them all very well. But I discovered this ill new wave freaky thing- right now I have this pale purple polish on my ring and pinky fingers, on my right hand, and bright blue on my ring finger on my left. And I actually like that a lot better than painting the whole hands- it's interesting, it's cool, it's exactly what I've been looking for. (note to the literal minded: this is not the only pattern I paint them in. It's just what they currently are. I'm just pointing out that I don't paint them all, just the ones I like.)

And know what else? The girlfriend I was talking about? We're still together and she does the same thing with her nails. I mooch her nail polish, she mooches mine. It's great. I mean, she's very normal, very cool, just extremely intelligent, you know? She thinks she's too square, but man, she blows my mind. Oh! And I came out to her about a whole bunch of gender stuff. All the TV/TS stuff I was going through- I'm compiling old journal stuff for he rto read, so she can know where I'm coming from.

My hair's past my shoulders and fake red. I have five bracelets on my right wrist and three on my left- one of which is this painful metal star thing that fucking cuts my wrist up like a motherfucker. I bring this up to be whimsical, I guess. My shoelaces sparkle.

That's it. I just wanted to post. Hope everybody's well.