For Weariness of Thee

Disclaimers: None.  This is all mine.  *s*

Feedback: is welcome at [email protected]

Rating: G

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I don’t know exactly when it was that you became my anchor – keeping me safe, stable and unmoving.  It was all too easy to love you, to say that you were the only one for me, even if I could never have you.  Unrequited love is a funny thing.  The more you can’t have something, the more you want it – that’s how I work, anyway.  I moped so much; you’d think I enjoyed pining for you.  Truth be told, I think I did.

You loved her more, didn’t you?  You never told me what you really felt for her.  Hell, you never told me what you really felt for /me/.  But I could sense it.  The nights you came to me, after she’d gone, after she’d left you hungry, wanting… craving something.  I let you in, I held you, happy to have what little of you I could get.  Months went by in that fashion.  You wanted her, and I wanted you, and you took what you wanted from me.  It was okay, like that.  I didn’t mind so much, and it was easy to forget that you didn’t really care for me.  Illusions seem inferior to reality until they’re shattered, but then it’s too late to get it back.

I should have seen it coming – our relationship was too unstable for it to last for long.  I was falling for you, and you were growing out of having a need for me.  One day, she left.  You followed her.  And so here I am.  Jealousy isn’t a nice emotion, and I don’t enjoy the sensation of it writhing inside of me.  Yet, despite that, I still insist on being in love with you.  It feels safe and familiar, and it keeps me from having to fall in love again.

When you left, I was lost.  It was so unexpected because, somehow, I thought you’d always be there. I used to tell myself that I’d love you, always, even if you didn’t return the feelings.  I convinced myself you needed someone to care for you, that maybe, if I kept it up long enough, you’d see how much I needed /you/.  Perhaps, towards the end, you did see it.  And that’s why you left.

One day, I found you at my front door again, like I had so many times before.  You were back, behaving as if you had never even left.  Of course, I let you in – I always do.  You sat down on the couch by the fireplace, and asked me how I was.  How to answer?  I was okay, I replied.  I’m always okay.

 Some questions are so useless. 

So of course, the next thing I did was ask you how you were.

You smiled – it seemed sad – but you said you were fine and kissed my cheek; and any questions I wanted to ask were left unspoken.  Before I knew it, we were kissing – your mouth hot and eager against mine.  But even as I welcomed you into my arms once more, I wondered what had happened between the two of you.  I wondered how long you’d stay this time, before leaving again. 

One week, maybe two.  You smiled at me when you passed me on the street.  You’d even stop and talk on occasion.  And then you were gone again…without warning, without goodbye. 

I never saw you again, after that time.  You know, I’ve never met anybody quite like you – you had that special quality of being able to play my emotions as if you were making music. In the same moment, you could break my heart and still be the sweetest person I’d ever met. 

And I’m glad to have met you.

© Lishesque