Dedication: Once again, this is for Gorgeous B. (aka �my clone� � weird, isn�t it?)
you won�t be mine
take your head around the world
see what you get
from your mind
write your soul down word for word
see who�s your friend
who is kind
it�s almost like a disease
I know soon you will be
I love kids, I really do, but the thought of being a father never really crossed my mind. I figured that in a few years time, maybe when I�m seeing less action in the ring and more in the bedroom, it would happen and I would welcome a baby into my life. A baby, a wife � a family.
But it�s actually here, now. A family. My family. A little baby boy, the most beautiful baby in the world. And I�m not just saying that because he�s ours. He is truly gorgeous. He�s the toast of the WWF. Nobody can get enough of him, and I�m probably the proudest father you�ll find anywhere in the world at the moment. The second I laid eyes on him, I fell in love with him.
We named him Alexander Michael Helmsley.
over the lies, you�ll be strong
you�ll be rich in love and you will carry on
but no � oh no
no you won�t be mine
I watch the �happy family�, and it�s a bittersweet feeling. They are sitting closely together on the couch, with the baby cradled in her arms. She�s a natural mother, and it shows. I�ve never seen her quite so radiant and happy as when she�s holding her baby boy. And he truly is gorgeous. He gets it from his mother.
But it�s hard, because now she really is his wife. She had told me about her pregnancy a couple of months after she found out, and my first feeling had been of intense joy. All I could think of was �We�re having a baby!�. And then I panicked, thinking �We�re having a baby!�.
What she told me next hurt the most. It wasn�t mine. It was his. And now that they had a baby together, she was also his.
I love her. Those few short months we had together, I�ll never forget it. I�ll never forget her.
I love her. But she was never mine.
take your straight line for a curve
make it stretch, the same old line
try to find if it was worth what you spent
why you�re guilty for the way
you�re feeling now
it�s almost like being free
and I know soon you will be
I�m a mother. And I love it. It�s the most incredible feeling in the world, and I�m not sure it�s possible for me to come down from the high I�ve been on ever since I gave birth. Well, yet. I�m sure I�ll probably be cursing motherhood the second Alex enters puberty. But that�s for later.
As for now� Now, I�m enjoying every second I spend with him. And with my husband. He calls it our baby. Not my baby, or your baby, but our baby. Always. Although it�s not surprising, he�s an amazing father. If there is someone who spoils Alex more than me, it�s him. And not just with presents, but with time and love. We have put aside at least two hours everyday to ourselves, just the three of us. Family time.
I get the sudden feeling of being watched, and I look up. I see him. He catches my eye, but then quickly turns away and walks past.
over the lies, you�ll be strong
you�ll be rich in love and you will carry on
but no � oh no
no you won�t be mine
She gently places Alex in my arms and stands up, saying that she has to go to the toilet. I force a smile, and watch as she walks away. I know where she�s going. To him. She wasn�t the only one that noticed someone was watching us.
It hurts. When we became a family, the two of us grew even closer. For awhile I was under the impression that we could work things out, that we could be �real� husband and wife. And I found myself looking forward to it. I know she loves me in a way, and having our baby only deepened those feelings. But I�m not the man in her heart.
I love her. Much more than she�ll ever know. Probably much more than I�ll ever admit.
I love her. But she�ll never be mine.
take yourself out to the curb
sit and wait
a fool for life
it�s almost like a disease
I know soon you will be
There�s a light knock on the door. I look up expectantly, a smile of greeting already on my face. But I freeze. I wasn�t expecting her though. Luckily, no one else is around for the moment. Nobody knows, and nobody will ever know.
She smiles at me. �Hey.�
My heart rate increases. She has that effect on me. �Hey, yourself.�
�I haven�t seen you in awhile.�
I don�t know what to say. I do know that it wasn�t because of lack of wanting to see her. �No.�
A pause. �I wanted to see how you were.�
�I�ve had better days visiting my dentist.�
She hesitates for a moment. I don�t want to hurt her, but I can�t help it. I want her to know how much this is killing me. �Chris-�
�Don�t. Just don�t, okay. You have a baby now, and he�s what�s important.�
She gazes at me in silence for the longest time. Then she turns around, and with a final �Goodbye�, she walks away.
over the lies, you�ll be strong
you�ll be rich in love and you will carry on
but no � oh no
no you won�t be mine
I often wonder what would have happened if my marriage to Andrew had eventuated. Would I be where I am now? Would I be a mother now? Would I have still fallen in love with another man? So many questions, and they will never be answered.
Just before I reach the room where my husband and our baby are waiting for me, I stop. I can�t help but look towards the direction I had just left. Nobody else ever got to me like he did, and I know that nobody ever will again. But he was a dream. I know that now. And only a few steps away, where I�m heading, is reality.
It was a bitch, really. Out of the billions of people in the world, I managed to find him. My soulmate.
Too bad he isn�t mine.