Author: Katie
E-mail: [email protected]
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em & I'm not claiming that this happened, only in my mind.
Distribution: Only at Castles in the Sky http://members.tripod.com/katemarie_1
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Several people are reading Shawn Michael's biography that the WWF never wanted anyone to see.
Note: I don't know where this came from. It's a little weird even for me *G*
Another note: Mentions of character death
Chapter 55
I don't know where to start. I've never once tried to tell anyone anything about why Bret really hates me now. Not even the Kliq knows what really went on between Bret and I. To tell you the truth, I don't think even Owen knew and he and Bret were the absolute best of friends.
I guess it all start back when Marty and I were still a tag team. It was Wrestlemania five and we were psyched. We did everything together. And yes I do mean everything. We shared lovers like it was going out of style, which I guess in a way it was. Marty and I faced the Twin Towers. Now there's a tag team no one's heard of in this new generation of wrestlers� or at least if they've heard of them they don't remember them. In fact there are a lot of guys from that Wrestlemania whom fans don't remember. How many people honestly remember Marty?
But I digress. Bret was wrestling with Jim Neidhart as the Hart Foundation. Even then, when we weren't friends and had nothing in common, I loved to watch him wrestle. He truly is the best. Always has been and always will be. I was good but in a one on one non scripted wrestling match� No one in hell could have taken him. He was just too damn good. I don't even remember who his opponents were although I seem to remember one of them was the Honky Tonk man not that it makes any difference. The point was after our respective matches Bret and I just kind of bumped into each other. Well, at least that's what he thinks. The truth of the matter is I purposely waited for him to come back from his match so I could "accidentally" on purpose run into him. We apologized although he was a little more adamant about it. He was always very proper very polite. Good upbringing and all that I guess. Or maybe it was the Canadian thing. I'm not sure. It doesn't matter. And now I'm quoting Rocky.
I keep getting off track. I was talking about our first real conversation. Mine and Bret's I mean. I don't know what the hell possessed me to invite him to dinner but I did. I don't know who was shocked more by his acceptance. I swear he looked like he had just swallowed a bug when he realized he'd said yes. He always did have the cutest expressions. Like when we were� Damn I did it again. Keep you're mind on what you're talking about Hickenbottom.
Anyhow, after he accepted there was no way in hell I was going to let him back out of dinner. Nothing really happened that night. At least not physically. But I think I fell in love with him that night. It wasn't by any means the first time I'd fallen in love or at least thought I had but this felt different somehow. It felt more real. He said when we finally gotten together he'd had a thing for me since that first night which was sweet of him but total bullshit. We did become friends that night. Not friends like the Kliq are my friends but friends in the sense that if we happened to find ourselves alone together we knew we could get along.
I wonder if he would have ever accepted the invitation to dinner if he'd had any foresight into what would happen seven years later. It actually kind of reminds me of that Garth Brooks song. You know the one. "I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance." That song. If I would have had any foresight into the future I can honestly say that I still would have been with him. I still would have loved him. I guess now would be a good time to go into flashback mode but I won't. It truly wouldn't be very interesting what with it being one sided and all. I can't speak for Bret when I'm saying any of this. I wouldn't ever presume to speak for him.
Back on track. I have to get back on track. So that was our first conversation. I don't remember what we talked about although I can tell you exactly what he was wearing. He was in blue jeans a tight blue t-shirt and that ugly leather jacket he always wore. Still wears last I heard. I don't know why he won't give that thing up. Well I understand why he wears it so much now. Owen gave it to him. Any reminder of Owen has to be a good thing. I think. I don't know.
He looked so beautiful that night. I don't remember the outcome of either of our matches but that isn't an important detail. We talked to the wee hours of the morning. I do know that I revealed my non-preference when it came to sex. He seemed cool with it although a little put out. I guess he didn't know many men who liked fucking men and women. I thought at first it was a staunchly homophobic stance but found out later it was more the fact that I fucked women that bothered him. We walked back to the hotel Vince was putting us up in and he actually walked me to my door. What a gentleman. I smiled and we said goodnight. I thought that was going to be it but he asked me if I wanted to go fishing with him after the show the next night. I couldn�t say no. Now I'm a country boy at heart. I really am. But I have always hated getting up before the sun.
The next day after the show, he found me nursing a swollen ankle. I don't remember how it happened. At least not now. I think I probably landed wrong. He was so gentle as he looked it over. He finally declared that I probably just sprained it and as long as I stayed off it I would be fine. I found myself looking into those chocolate eyes and part of me melted. Until Marty walked into the room and announced he had three hot little prospects for the two of us. Bret pulled away like I had slapped him. He got to his feet and told me to forget about the fishing trip. As he stalked away I was left with the choice of getting laid by what was sure to be two hot women and an equally sexy man or chasing after someone whom I barely knew. I still don't know what possessed me to chase after Bret but I'm glad I did.
He was in an empty dressing room and he looked like he was about to cry. I spoke. "Bret. I don't want to go with Marty and his conquests. I want to go fishing with you. That is if you're still interested in taking me."
I swear I didn't even think about the double entendre when I said it. But I did know I didn't want anything more to do with Marty and our little fuck parties after shows. I was interested in the man who was at the time sitting in front of me. I knew that I wanted Bret. Plain and simple, I wanted the man who up until then I had barely spoken to.
So the next morning I got a three am wake up call from the dark haired man who had so captured my interest. I climbed out of bed and put on a pair of old jeans I hadn't worn in years but carried with me just in case. I was glad for once that I had the holey pants in my bags. I pulled on a plain white t-shirt and then grabbed a sweatshirt. You know it's amazing to me that I can't remember what we said that first night but I can remember small details like what I was wearing on what turned out to be our first date.
We climbed into his rental car and speeded down the highway to some godforsaken lake in the middle of nowhere. We were still in New Jersey. At least I think we were. I don�t remember some of that stuff any more. I remember him though. I remember every detail of him. He wore that damn leather jacket that always, always looked good on him. Dark blue jeans with a hole in one knee. A black t-shirt just barely visible underneath a light gray sweatshirt. His dark curls were pulled back by a simple rubber band and he had one tendril drooping into his face. I really wanted to reach over and brush it away but I was scared to death he'd try and kill me if I did. He was smiling as we reached the lake. I didn't understand why until I pulled my eyes away from his gorgeous face. The lake was stunningly beautiful in the moonlight that was still shining down on it. Surrounded by trees and looking as calm as anything I'd ever seen. I looked back in his direction and found his eyes on me. "I've never brought anyone here. It�s always been my place. You're special though Michael." He never once called me Shawn when we were alone. I loved that about him. At that moment in time his eyes were as calm as the lake. He finally stopped staring at me and we climbed out of the car. He took my hand in his and led the way to a small shed near the bank of the lake. I later found out he owned the lake and about a hundred acres surrounding it. The lake was originally called Hart's Lake after some soldier from one of America's many wars. I never knew if it was the Civil War or what but I do know the guy wasn't related to Bret or his family in any way. He just fell in love with the place and went there to get away. That morning however I was pretty much just happy to be with him. I didn't care about the place I just wanted to be with the gorgeous man besides me who had my hand in his. He grabbed a couple of fishing poles for the two of us and we headed to lakeside. He pulled me down onto the sandy beach with him and we cast our lines. I fell asleep waiting for a fish to bite. When I woke up a few hours later he was hovering over me and the sun was directly behind him, given him this ethereal glow. I swear to god I thought I was looking at an angel. He smiled at me and spoke softly. "Hey Michael. I caught us lunch."
I smiled back at him and he brushed non-existent hair from my face. "Michael. I don't know why I'm doing this but�" He trailed off just before covering my mouth with his. I had never and have not since had such a sweet mouth against mine. He was slow and gentle like he was afraid I'd break. I opened my mouth to take his tongue in and happily he took advantage. Still going slow but adding more passion, more heat to the kiss I felt his hands on my hips. They were moving in slow maddening circles and I swear I felt like I was going to explode. My hands were on his shoulders, my nails digging into his back until he pulled away gasping for air. "Michael," even now the thought of his husky lust laden voice saying my name sends shivers down my spine, "I want you. Let me make love to you."
I couldn't speak. I was afraid to. I was afraid he'd disappear if I opened my mouth. I just nodded and felt him remove my clothing. He sat back a little and smiled. "Damn you're beautiful Michael." I blushed. I honestly blushed. His eyes were staring at me intently as if he wanted to take in every inch of me, as if he were trying to memorize my every curve. I shuddered under his gaze. It was such a turn on to have him looking at me intently. I didn't have to look at my cock to know I was standing straighter than ever before. I watched just as intently as he undressed himself. It didn't take long before he was standing over me completely naked. I was elated by the fact that he was just as hard as I was. He dropped back to his knees and covered my body with his, our erections pressed together so that I could feel him throbbing. Or it may have been me but I don't think it was. He ground our hips together and I still don't know which one of us let out the whimper but I don't think it really matters. Now I could go into detail about how big he was and how good he felt buried inside of me. Or how good he was with his tongue as I came in his mouth. But I won't. Children might be reading this and I want to at least appear as if I care about their feelings.
Okay so that's complete and utter bullshit. No parent in their right mind would let a child read this. Especially since it deals so heavily with the truth of who and what I am. I won't go into details because what happened between Bret and I, at least the sex part is private. I won't go into detail about something so intensely personal. Besides, Bret's mad enough at me as is.
I could go on and on about how much we loved each other. I could mention how much I hated being away from him but it would pretty much be a lie. We did love each other intensely but we were far too independent to spend all of our time together. I'm going to skip ahead a few years. Onto Wrestlemania twelve. The night I won the WWF title. I was so elated that I was slated to win. But I hated that I had to fight the man I love. I say the man I love instead of loved because although I'm sure he doesn't believe me or maybe he just doesn't care, I have never stopped loving Bret.
We worked out most of the details of the match but decided to play it by ear a little. We knew I was going to win but we thought it wouldn't change anything. And I guess it didn't. Anyhow, after the match we were too tired to do anything but collapse. I was supposed to be rooming with Kevin but I didn't want to. After that grueling hour plus long match I just wanted to find Bret and snuggle up with him. One of the few things we'd never done with each other was sleep. We made love, we fucked, we had sex, we talked, we ate meals together occasionally, we sucked each other, we kissed but we had never ever just slept in each others arms. I did end up in a room with Kevin but he was tired so we didn't talk. I fell asleep thinking about the man who had become the love of my life.
I'm skipping ahead in time again. To the now infamous night in Montreal. I wish I could say that I didn't know ahead of time. But I did. I don�t have any excuses for what I did to him. I won't lie and say it wasn't supposed to go down like that. I knew and it went down exactly like Vince wanted it to. I do regret it though. He was so upset. Not mad at the time just betrayed. By the man that he loved. I regret it. I have since it happened. For several reasons not just because I lost the man I love. When Owen died, all I wanted to do was pick up a phone and call him. I knew he wouldn't have spoken to me. But I felt, no feel guilty. Not because he wasn't there when Owen died. Although I guess that's part of it. But part of me feels like he wouldn't be this sad, this angry if I hadn't asked him to dinner so very long ago.
Now that you've read my life story from beginning to the present I just want to add a final note. I fucked up. I don't think I ever told Bret that I love him. I fucked up that night in Montreal when I didn't give him any warning. There's something else I've never told anyone. I found out a short while ago that I'm dying. Just in case he's reading this, no Bret, it's not AIDS. You're perfectly safe. And if you are reading this, I'm sorry. And I love you. I never stopped. If I could take back any day in time, Montreal wouldn't have happened. But I will never ever regret asking you out that first time. I won't regret anything else that happened between us.
To the Kliq, I know I should have told you guys. I couldn't. What happened between Bret and I was just that, between Bret and I. Sean, look after the guys will you. You know we would have fallen apart a long time ago if not for you Kid. Scott, keep Kevin from going completely over the edge will ya? I know he's going to be pissed that I didn't tell you guys about me being sick or about Bret but if anyone can keep him calm it's you. Hunter, Paul, I'm sorry man. I don't know what else to say. Kevin. Kevin, keep those boys of yours on the straight and narrow. And make them stop pissing off Taker. Big man I'm gonna miss you. I love you guys. You're my brothers. And I'm sorry. And make sure my son knows everything about me when he's old enough to know the truth. And always tell him I love him.
To the fans, thanks for the memories. You guys kept me going when I didn't think I could.
To the guys in the back, I know I pissed off more than one of you guys but I'll always remember you. And I will always be there watching your back.
I guess that's it. This won't come out until after I'm gone so goodbye to everyone. I wish I would have been a better person but I was pretty damn content just being me.
Disclaimers see pt. 1
I pull my eyes away from the pages that were sent to me and sigh. Shawn always was a self-righteous bastard. So why is it I still love him? I hate Bret now more than ever. I knew he was behind our break up. He had to have been. He must have been jealous of our love. And the fucking Kliq. What the hell do they have that I don't? Why did he love them more than me? I frown before looking down at the city. All I've ever wanted is to be with the man I love. I know no one cares anymore. I won't have a quarter of the turn out he did. But then again, he was loved by everyone who had ever met him. I sigh once more before jumping.
That fucking bastard. How dare he keep this from me? He says I was his brother? Why the fuck didn't he tell me? I hate him. I hate him so much. But I love him. And I miss my Shawn. He's my brother. And I will never forget him. I know Scott is worried about me. He shouldn't be. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I miss Shawn but I'm not suicidal. I do have one thing I have to do though. I have to talk to Bret. I have to make sure he reads this. He needs to know that Shawn loved him. How sweet of him to mention the Thrillers though. He didn't have to and lord knows he barely knew them. But I guess it's true when they say he really wasn't as stuck on himself as some people let on.
I can't say as I'm surprised. Not that he kept it from us. But that he loved the man he hurt so much. He always stared at Bret when he thought no one was looking. He should have told us he was sick though. I don't know if I'm strong enough without him to keep everyone together. Scoot is so torn up over Shawn's death and he's so worried Kevin is going to do something stupid. I'm more worried about Hunter than any of them. Although he keeps telling me he's fine, I see the pain and anguish in his eyes. I wish I could make him feel better but I can't deal with his grief when I can barely deal with my own.
I�m worried about my lover. Kevin is so upset about Shawn's book. I don't know what to do for him when I can't deal with my own grief. But I have to look out for Kev because Shawn wanted me to. He's told me recently he wants to go to Canada and find Bret. How the hell am I supposed to stop him from killing the man Shawn loved? I just know that's his intention. I'm trying to talk him out of it but I can't. He's determined. The stubborn jerk. But I want to know why the hell Shawn didn't tell us he was sick. We could have taken care of him. We could have been there and said goodbye instead of finding out from that bitch of a wife he had. And I want to know who sent us the book with a note saying Vince wasn't going to publish it because it was too controversial. What was Shawn if not controversial? I miss him. I miss Shawn. He'd know how to deal with all of this.
Sean thinks I'm depressed. He doesn't know that I had already read Shawn's biography. I'm the one who sent it to the people who mattered most to our friend. He thinks I'm going to flip out at any second. I'm not. I won't say I'm over Shawn because I will never get over his death. But I have dealt with it and I can move past it now. Shawn would have wanted us to get on with our lives. He loved us and we've grieved and now we need to get on with it. I heard from Vince that Marty killed himself. That wasn't my intention when I sent him the book. I wonder if he read the whole thing. He had to have known that Shawn cared about him. He just never loved his ex-tag team partner. Marty was always a little obsessed with Shawn. I miss Shawn. And I want to kill Vince for not sending it to print. Shawn wanted everyone to know the truth about him. So I'm working on Vince. I'm trying my damnedest to change his mind. I just hope it works. Everyone deserves to know the real Shawn Michaels. Or I should say Michael Hickenbottom.
I don't know why Paul sent me the book. It sits on my nightstand begging to be read. I have yet to start reading it. I can't believe Michael is dead. He was so� He didn't deserve it. I look over at my laptop and frown. All of a sudden I want to pay tribute to him. I sit down at the desk and start typing.
He was the love of my life. He still is. He was a great man but no one ever really knew Michael Hickenbottom. Most people knew Shawn Michaels. I liked Shawn but I loved Michael. I know he thinks I hated him. I didn't. I was mad. I was angry. I was hurt. But never once did hatred for the charismatic blonde cross my mind. Everyone thinks that we were bitter enemies when the reality was so much sweeter. We weren't bitter enemies, we were devoted lovers.
No one ever knew. Not even Owen. My baby brother suspected but never really knew that I loved Michael. I never called him by his real name when anyone was around. I knew it would give me away. He was such a sweet and considerate lover. Most people wouldn't think of Shawn that way but you have to remember that I was never with Shawn. I was always with Michael.
I wonder how the Kliq will take the news that Michael and I were lovers. He wasn't ashamed of us but he did agree with me when I said that it was better for us if no one knew that we were lovers. Of all of them I think Kevin will be the most accepting. I don't know why but I just believe that he'll understand where others won't. Vince refuses to print Michael's auto biography because he says it's too controversial. That's what Shawn Michaels was all about. He should be happy that he gets to make a few bucks off of Shawn's death.
I wonder what Michael's wife will think when she finds out that we were lovers. I know he never told her. But I plan to. I want Cameron and Blade to be friends. They should have been brothers. But I was so angry that I never accepted any of Michael's apologies. I'm sorry now that I didn't. I miss my lover. Michael was everything to me. When my brother died, all I wanted to do was reach out to Michael and hold him close. He was probably the only person in the world who could have comforted me but because of my own ignorance I couldn't have him. And now I never will again. I know Vince hates that some of his superstars are gay and that's probably why he doesn't want Michaels' book published. If Michael wrote it while he was dying I have no doubt in my mind that he told the world he was gay. And now I plan on letting the world in on our secret since I don't think Michael would have. I should read his book though. I haven't done so because it hurts so much to know he's gone.
Tomorrow I head to Texas to visit his grave. And then I visit his wife and let her know what happened between us. And then I plan on going to see each and every member of the Kliq. I just hope they don't try to kill me.
So in closing, Michael, I love you wherever you are. And no matter if you knew or not, I forgive you and I'm sorry I lost it with you. And since you're probably sitting with my brother right now reminiscing give him a hug for me. And Owen, hug him back. I love and miss you both and as long as I'm alive you will never be forgotten.
I hit the send button before I have time to doubt my decision. Let's see how Vince likes that. I look over at my night stand and pick up the book. I throw it on top of my suitcase and close the latches. A few minutes later I�m on my way out the door.
Later that day, I've reached Texas. No mention so far of Michael's sexual preference in the book. But he'll drop the bomb. I don't doubt it at all. I head for the cemetery I know he's buried in. His grave is still covered in the flowers from his funeral. He was so loved by everyone who knew him. I remove a few of the dead flowers and place the ring he gave me on top. "Hey baby. I miss you so much. It's been far too long. I want you back. I never should have let you go."
"No you shouldn't have." I jump and turn around to find myself face to chest with Kevin Nash. "Have you read his book yet?"
I shake my head. "I just started it. Hello Kevin."
"Hey Bret. He loved you. He never told us but he loved you. He was sorry about what he did."
I frown trying to understand how he knew all of this if Michael didn't tell any of them. He smiles. "Skip ahead to the final chapter. He talks about it."
I look at the nag in my hand and then up at the big man. "Take me to his home. I want� No I need to tell his wife."
He smiles at me and looks at the bag. "Got some reading? It's a long drive to Shawn's place."
"I think I have something to keep me occupied." I smile slightly as I follow the big man to his car. We climb in and I pull the book out skipping to the final chapter. By the time we reach Michael's house I�m in tears. Kevin was right. He really did love me. And he was sorry. But that bastard knew. He knew what was going to happen that night and he never told me. I don't know what to think now. But I do know that I have to tell his wife the truth about him and I. She deserves to know the truth.
I knock on the door after drying my eyes and she opens up glaring at me. It's a few seconds before she's hitting me and screaming about what a bastard I am. Apparently Paul sent her the book as well. She smacks me one final time before dropping to the ground in sobs. I wish I could feel sorry for her but I don't. She never loved him. She said so while she was hitting me. Michael's son comes outside and looks at his mother before smiling up at me. It's then I realize we aren't alone. The entire Kliq is standing there smiling at me. "Bret." Paul steps forward and we shake hands. It's been a long time and I think in honour of Michael's memory it's best that all past grudges be forgotten. At least as far as the Kliq is concerned.
Sean steps forward next and hugs me tightly. "Hi." He says softly. I always liked the Kid.
Scott is next and we shake hands. I drop to one knee in front of Michael's son and smile. He looks like his father. "Hey kiddo. I'm Bret."
He smiles again this time wider. "I know who you are. My daddy talked about you to me all the time."
I have to say that surprises me. I didn't think Michael ever told anyone. But I guess that's the kind of thing you can't really keep form your child. I know Blade knows about Michael and me. He approves to. Or did until Montreal. Cameron steps forward hugging me. "It's very nice to meet the man my daddy loved so much."
I smile in response and hug the young man back. Rebecca is just getting back to her feet and she glares at us. Sean steps forward and smiles. "You heard what the lawyer said Becca. You have no claim to anything of Shawn's. Everything he's ever had belongs to Bret and Cameron now. And since you lost custody of Cam a long time ago, he gets to go with Bret or one of us. He makes the decision. You have no claim to anything Shawn left behind and that includes his son. Now get off his property."
I watch as she gets to her feet. I expect her to attack one of us but she doesn't. She dusts herself off and walks away. I look back at Sean and raise an eyebrow in question. He explains every thing to me quietly and calmly. I nod my head when he's done. I'd love to have Cameron come with me but I doubt that will happen. He knows these guys so much better.
I wonder what will happen next.
A FEW MOTHNS LATER
Vince finally agreed to print the book. In its entirety even. The title will be The Truth From My Heart. I don�t know which of the guys came up with it but it fits perfectly. I doubt my article had anything to do with it but that's okay. The world will now know that Michael and I were lovers and that we loved one another deeply. Cameron is with me as I head up to Hart Lake. I'm taken my sons fishing. Blade was so happy when he got to meet Cameron. Those two are the best of friends and have told me that they want to be wrestlers when they grow up. I don't know if I like that plan but every time they talk about it I see Michael so excited about his first WWF championship. He was so happy that night after the Iron Man match. They both have that I'm-going-to-do-this-and-anyone-who-tries-to-stop-me-will-get-hurt look that Michael was so good at.
As it turns out a few months before he got sick, Michael divorced his wife and fought her for custody. He won when the courts decided she was more than a little off her rocker. I know I said I have Cam with me as I Head up to Hart�s Lake and I do. He stays with me weekends and an occasional holiday. I also get him for the summer. Kevin actually has Cam the rest of the time. He and Tristan get along great, which is definitely a good thing. Not only that but Blade gets to go spend time with them on occasion, which he loves.
I built a cabin up at the lake and gave the Kliq directions. They should be waiting for us with their children. It's kind of a memorial. To Shawn Michaels and to Michael Hickenbottom. It's also a party to celebrate his life. I miss him still. But it hurts a little less and at least since the Kliq and I have become friends I have someone who I can grieve with.
Eventually I may move on with my life but I will never forget the man I love. He will always be with me no matter what happens in the future. He's my love, my heart, everything I am is him. The title of his book is The Truth From My Heart. Well the truth from my heart is he's always been the only man I will ever love.
THE END