Author: Katie
E-mail: [email protected]
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em & I'm not claiming that this happened, only in my mind.
Distribution: At Castles in the Sky and Tarnished Silver. Anyone else please ask.
Rating: R
Summary: Shannon wrote a letter to tell his lover why he's leaving him.
Characters: Shannon Moore/Shane Helms
Note: Companion piece to Standing in the Way.
Another Note: Thanks as always to AJ for betaing this *G*
Dear Shane,
There are a few things I want to tell you. You should know by now that although I've left I do love you. I have always loved you. I don't think I will ever be able to stop loving you.
You know that you are the first man I've ever loved. Hell you're my first in every way. But you already knew that.
I can remember our first time together as clear as if it was yesterday. We were home, my home in Cameron. You acted so scared of hurting me as we played naked in the pond out behind my house. But when push came to shove you had no problems making love to me until the sun went down. I think that will always be one of my favourite memories of us together. You just fucking me slow and deep as the sunset played out over our skin.
You held such love in your eyes for me. I remember that for our first anniversary you took me to an amusement park. It didn't matter to you that you hated going to places like that. You wanted to see me happy. I convinced you to go on all of the roller coasters with me and we had such fun. Well okay you throwing up after the last ride wasn't so much fun for you but I had a good laugh out of it.
I can also remember the first time you said you loved me. It was shortly after our first anniversary. You brought me to the pond behind my house and set me down on a blanket. You fucked me so slow and so sweetly I thought I would die from the feelings you were bringing up in me. Then when the sex was all over and done with you rolled out of me and pulled me into your arms. You kissed my cheek and whispered it. Softly, like a gentle breeze caressing against the skin. "I love you." Three small words that mean so much.
But they're also three small words that can cut like a knife when thrown back in your face. You're also the first man who's ever thrown my love back in my face. I don�t know how to react to that.
You claim you love me yet you don't seem to understand that I need you. I need you here with me. I need you telling me that you love me. I need you to protect and love me. Why can't you just tell me once in a while that you love me? Why do you always have to be so fucking macho?
Our friends are going to wonder why I've left you. The plain and simple fact is� I am leaving you because if I stay I'll lose everything. I'll lose every ounce of self respect I have for you and for myself. I don�t' want that. I want to be held in your arms and know that I have your love. I want to be able to be the confident loving man I've always been.
We fight constantly and every time we get into an argument you degrade me. It's been going on for years and I can't take it anymore. I'm not worthless and we both know you're the only man I've ever slept with. Hell you're the only person I've ever slept with.
I've given us a good chance. I've stayed with you when our friends were telling me to get the fuck out. I stayed because even though I hate hearing you call me names I love you. I can't do it anymore. I can't let you degrade me this way anymore. I just can't.
So here I am sitting at our computer in our house wanting nothing more than to be held in your arms but knowing I have to leave now or else I'll stay with you forever. While that may not seem like a bad idea to you it's a horrible idea to me. I love you so much I have to leave you.
Have you even bothered to notice I'm not the man I used to be? I'm a broken down version of that man but you don't seem to care. Or maybe this is the way you want me? Is that it Shane? Do you not like having your lover be as strong as you are?
Regardless of the why I can't take it anymore. As much as I love you this is over. For good. I can't stay here. I can't do this anymore.
You once said that it would take an army for you to stop loving me. So where is that army? Because I've never seen them yet you don't seem to love me anymore. Dammit Shane I think I deserve answers don't you?
But in the end I'm moving on with my life and you're going to be forgotten. In the long run at least. I can't handle you anymore. I can't handle how you make me feel.
I used to see you and it felt like I was being lit up from the inside out in that snugly warm way. Now all I feel when I see you is despair. You've hurt me. You've cut me to the quick and I can't keep bleeding for you. I'm sorry if this hurts you. I never wanted that Shane. I never want to hurt you but maybe now you understand how it feels.
Did you know that the longer we stay together the more it hurts me? We've been together for nearly five years now and for every year we've been together I feel ten years older than I should. Maybe I shouldn't be this honest with you. But I've never been able to hide how I feel and I don't see why I should start now.
You always have been and you always will be the love of my life Shane Helms. But I can't stay with you. I can't be with you anymore. I can't because the longer I stay with you the more of myself I lose. I can't lose much more or I'll risk not being me anymore.
Please say you understand and that we can still be friends. Or at least at some point in time, down the road a few years we can at least be civil to each other. You've always been my best friend. Always. I don�t want to lose that. I never want to lose the friendship that we've always had.
You and I becoming lovers was a huge mistake. We should have just stayed friends and that way we'd still be the people we were when we fell in love. Now though we're totally different from those people. I don�t even recognize myself anymore. People don�t know me as me they, they know me as your lover. I hate that.
There so much more to me than just being your lover but even you don't seem to realize that. At least not anymore. Are you even aware of how you treat me or is it just second nature to you?
Every time you get mad at me anymore instead of even telling me what I did to piss you off so bad you scream and yell. You've never hit me but sometimes I get the feeling that you're actually holding back on some of your anger. Are you? Would you ever hit me in a moment of anger?
I don't know what to do anymore Shane. I love you. I always have. You're everything to me. Without you I really don't know what I'd be doing or where I'd be right now. You helped make me the man I am today but you know what. I look in the mirror and all of a sudden I don't think I like that man anymore.
He's a wimp. He never stands up for himself. He's always allowing his lover to yell at him for no good reason. He lets his friends walk all over him because it seems to make his lover happy.
I'm sick of it. I can't be that person anymore Shane. I can't be him. I don't even know if I have any friends left thanks to you. Oh I don't doubt that Matt and Jeff would stand by my side but they're more than my friends. They're my family. Out of all of my other friends� Well to be honest I don't even know if they know who I really am. They know who I am when I'm with you. But they have never met the real me. All they've met is the me you created.
So I guess this is goodbye. Unless you come to your senses. All I want is an apology. Not a big one. Just an I'm sorry and I love you. But if I'm gone when you're reading this� Well I won't be coming back because it means you don't love me. I'm sorry Shane. I don't want to hurt you but at the same time I'm so fucking sick and tired of hurting myself.
These seven pages (well three typed) took me all day to compose but I don't doubt that you won't read most of it. That's okay. I told you how I feel and if you didn't read it that's your fault not mine.
Never forget that I do love you Shane. I love you so much that I can't stay anymore.
All my love,
Shannon