Disclosure: Gwen is very paranoid, so those entries marked "deleted" are no longer in her journal!

Friday, Feb. 2, 2007:
I just flew in from Mars, and boy are my arms tired! Ha-ha. That's based on an old joke, but once again it has literal meaning in my situation!
It was so exciting being the "engine" of the spaceship with Ethan! Originally each of the two of us was going to fly on either side of the spaceship to push it, but then I realized how lonely that would be to fly like that for 3 days...so far away from Ethan...and I started trying to think up an excuse to be within touching-distance of Ethan, and then it came to me! We COULDN'T fly like that because Ethan is so much stronger than me that it would unbalance the ship and we'd end up going in circles! We would HAVE to fly closer together.

So I came up with the idea of me flying just underneath him so my back was pressed against his *gulp* stomach, hee-hee-hee! Now THAT was HOT! *grin* Once we got the hang of it and the hours started passing, I was a naughty girl and kept trying to distract him and turn him on and stuff, but I have to hand it to him! He's really self-disciplined! I only got a couple "rises" out of him! *grin* And he took it out on me later on the surface of Mars! First in a crater...then on a little plateau that got turned INTO a crater during the process...and, well...you get the idea! Hmmm...we need to name that new crater we made! Hahaha! We could just call it "Supreme's Revenge!" Ah, that sweet, sweet revenge...

A little later that day...
Wow...I can't stop thinking about what happened on the moon with the aliens. I'm so disappointed in our planet. I already know...we are NEVER going to be evolved enough to meet those aliens. Never. I may not have been the best history student in school, but I know enough to know that all humans have ever done is go to war or fight or get power-hungry and mistreat each other. Well...at least some of us got to SORTA meet an alien. We're going to end up being the only ones. Unless those evil aliens show up. Then everyone's going to be getting close up and personal with some aliens. [this entry later deleted]

Sunday, February 4, 2007
Jesus Christ...what a weekend. I can't believe Apophis is really dead. This eons-old powerful creature. Well...good. Divis was really well-behaved while he was working with us. I almost thought of him as a normal person! And he seems genuinely concerned about Supreme's well-being. Curiouser and curiouser. I just don't get why he thought Supreme would allow him to be at our upcoming wedding! Or that we'd EVER want him to have anything to do with our future children! Divis almost charmed me...I have to say. I really started thinking for a moment that he cared and thought of us as his family. Does he really think of Ethan as his BROTHER-brother? Ethan told me later that Divis was just trying to trick me...lull me into trusting him. I guess I just want us all to get along!

And holy shit...Raoul using his physical powers! I never thought I'd see the day! I mean, when he was trying to seduce me 3 years ago he did mention some of his physical skills by way of bragging, but I totally forgot he HAD them because he never uses them! I think he was even wearing a semblence of a costume-- no shirt, and some loose Street Fighter-looking pant-things! Go Raoul, hehehe!

Later that night...
So anyway-- we leave the planet for a couple of weeks and Stormwatch almost doubles in size within three days! Caestus gave us three new members. I'm not so sure what I think about some of their nova-names, but then again I wasn't so sure about some of ours in the beginning, either, and they've grown on me!

Thundergirl is one of the smart lab-worker-inventor-novas...she also fights with lightening and storms, and must be a pretty good fighter because she sent one of the other new fighter-novas to the infirmary while they were just sparring! I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but she seems a little intrigued by the Teragen. She reminds me a little of myself 3 years ago. Either she'll leave Stormwatch and join the Teragen, or she'll get a little more exposure to them and realize they're a mess and decide to stay away. I'm definitely not one of those black-or-white Aeon-members...I find some of the Teragen members interesting and amusing and sometimes right. But there's so much they haven't thought out...so many contradictions in their actions...before I sign ANYTHING I have to be 100% sure of it, and at LEAST have all my questions answered. I'm not going to join ANY organization that says, "Join first, answers later!" Makes me think I won't like the answers, you know? But anyway...

We're having some confusion with what to call the Brazilian guy! We finally got the spelling of his name as "Mestre," but each of us started pronouncing it a different way so he tried to get us to call him "Professor" because it means the same thing in Portuguese, but that didn't work-- the bad Mestre-pronunciations continued-- so I started calling him by his real name, Elias, only to hear two other people pronounce THAT differently than I was saying it, so I don't know WHAT the hell to call him anymore! You know, I think I'll stick with "mess-tray!"

He's a friendly, highly-disciplined guy, so I like him already! He's really interested in getting involved with the Nova Council. It's funny...he started telling us his idea for a nova council, and we had to interrupt him and inform him there already WAS one! But since he's on the same wavelength as us-- as far as wanting to start a council the same way we did two years ago-- I take that as a good sign! He's so calm and accepting of everyone-- I think he'd make a better Aeon representative than Sero. Sero gets animated and upset easily when dealing with Raoul, plus there's Sero's mental condition that we have to worry about surfacing all the time...

Facade has the coolest nova-power EVER...after Flight, of course! She can shape-shift! If I could do that I wouldn't have to have an alternate identity! MAN do I wish I could have that power! I'd be able to get a lot of information out of a lot of people if they didn't know they were talking to me! And get a lot of revenge. I'm never going to be able to shake this dark cloud over my head until I feel like I've gotten justice.

Anyway, unfortunately Facade is about the LEAST friendly nova I've ever met! She won't talk to us or interact at all! I mean, I was in awe of Polaris when I first met her because she was the first other female nova I'd ever seen, and she was shy but at least she smiled and nodded when I said hi to her! This chick acts like she's trying to hide everything about herself and she's only here to collect a paycheck! Why did Caestus send her to Stormwatch? Does he want us to be babysitters or something? Or maybe he wants us to get her out of her shell because he knows how social we are and he failed with her. Either way...AAAARGH!!! One of these days I'm really going to kick Caestus.

Monday, February 5, 2007
JESUS FUCKING ASS SON OF A BITCH ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate everyone I hate everything I'm going to go smash something I'm going to just leave LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE and fly away and live on a deserted island!! Just...fucking shit. I don't care anymore. I want to kill someone. I wish I'd killed that stupid asshole! Now THAT would be worth 80 million! I'm so sick to DEATH of all these rules!! I'm sick of all these restraints! Why do I care what the stupid humans think of us?? Why did Caestus say I have police powers? I DON'T! I can't even order a stupid human to freeze and expect him to obey me! I can't even do a search with just cause! Here I'm trying to find Ethan's attempted killer doing the best I can with what power I have with what information I have with NO help and JUST FUCKING JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have NO police powers. I don't! Stormwatch is a joke!! What ARE we?? And Ethan! Damnit, Ethan!! Why didn't you tell me you were going to be holding a public press conference this morning?? I had to find out by watching the news! Even the KILLER knew you were holding one!! I HATE Bob!! I just want to punch his face! He sits there so smugly behind his desk! HAHAHAHA-- if I punched his face that would be the rest of my savings gone, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...nice lawyer, Bob. REAL nice lawyer. I'm going to kill that lawyer second. Take back my $60,000. Rat bastard!!! JESUS!! Was that the best Bob could get me?? Why won't Ethan answer his phone?? On second thought forget that! I'm not calling him right now! JESUS CHRIST!! Why am I such a bad person?!?! That moron wouldn't shut up! He was hurting my head and pissing me off! I had to shut him up! He was NOT cooperating!! What about all those police-shows I've watched where the cop man-handles the suspicious guy who resists him?? They never sue the police for 80 million for doing their jobs!! JESUSJESUSJESUS!!!!

Oh I am fucking NOT taking anger management classes!! You can go fuck yourself Pumpkin!! And I am NOT apologizing to that asshole!! And I am NOT going to the stupid hospital with perfect Slider!! Oh like the kids are REALLY going to want to see ME now! I'm a dangerous individual! I might accidentally punch THEM, or something!! Why would Bob send me to a children's cancer ward after how "untrustworthy" I am?? I'm dangerous, damnit! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH...IhatethisIhatethisIhatethis...[this entry later deleted]

Later that day... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! The press conference went GREAT! I turned the apology into a hunt for Ethan's attempted killer, HEEHEEHEE! I have to do what I can since Bob doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about Ethan's safety! Oh sure Supreme's good enough to keep in Stormwatch Tower and send off to do missions with us, but not good enough to show some concern over? Yeah yeah...I know Supreme can't be hurt by bullets, but this killer-guy is a nova! Maybe he's got something other than regular old bullets in his guns, you know? I mean, he doesn't know he's shooting at Supreme, but you just never know! Why is everyone so nonchalant about this but me?? I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone!!

Well, at least we'll probably be running into crazy old Watcher in the next day or two with Michael Wycroft coming into town! I miss Watcher...even the new crazier Watcher. He's still Turkey to me-- with or without his future horns.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Well Michael Wycroft killed Watcher yesterday. I'm glad I didn't delete my copy of "Feathers and Schlong" now...I know anyone reading this will think I'm just being funny but I'm not. I loved that he did that dare. That was Watcher to me. I totally thought Pumpkin was going to kill Michael, but he brought him back to the Tower instead. *sigh* I don't know what to think. Watcher wasn't the same Watcher anymore...he was going downhill. Maybe this was a mercy...I don't know. I just know that I hate religious cult-leaders, and for that reason at the very least Michael needs to die.

Thursday, February 8, 2007
You know what? I've got nothing left. My energy is gone. I'm stupid. There it is-- I'm stupid. I joke about it all the time, but I guess it's really true. I TRY to help the nova cause...I try to think outside the box...to think ahead...to protect our future...and I just fuck up. I think that's what I'll change my nova-name to. Either "Stupid," or "Fuck-Up." Then no one should expect anything more of me. So I guess I'm on a death-watch now. Ethan's going to come home...find out what I did with Herman LaFontaine...and leave me. No wedding...no baby...no more Aura. I'll just finally let Rage out and then Stormwatch will come find me and I'll make them kill me. Wheeee...

Why is Bob trying to get rid of me so badly?? You know...I think I've forgotten that he's just a human after all these years. Oh shit! Bob isn't my boss! CAESTUS is my boss! I'll just go over Bob's head! Oh please oh please oh please let this work!!! [this entry later deleted]

Later that night...
Thank you Caestus thank you Pumpkin!!! What can I give them to properly show them my thanks?? I want to let them know somehow how grateful I am to them!! I KNEW I could count on Caestus! You know...this is all his fault in a way if you think about it! I mean...he's the one who found me in San Diego! No one pulled his leg to invite me to Geneva! Right? Hehehehe...sorry Caestus...my mind is just all a-whirl!!

Later that night...
NonononononononononooooooooO!!!!! Bob just made me call my agent and tell him I'm quitting the XWF!!!!!! Does he know what he's done?? Doesn't he realize wrestling is the only thing keeping my temper under control?? He hasn't even SEEN my REAL temper yet!! What am I going to do now?? I'm never going to last...I'm never going to be able to make it to the end of my contract now without getting fired again!! What am I going to do?? My wedding's coming up!! Jesus...what if I make it to my wedding and get married and then something sets my temper off?!? What if Ethan divorces me?? Oh godohgodohgodohgod...what am I going to do??? [this entry later deleted]

Later that night...
Bob says I can wrestle in one more match...my next match is a week from tonight against, of all people, the Terminatrix! Well...if I have to leave, it's a good match to leave on...I guess. There aren't many of us women in the XWF. I have to beat all contenders to prove my theory that I'm the most powerful nova female on the planet. Don't laugh, I'm being serious. It's simple: I haven't seen any other female who's more powerful. I wonder if Ethan's right and one day I'll be powerful enough to hurt Divis. Hmm...if Watcher is any indication, I'll have horns growing out of my head all OVER the place by the time that happens! OK, I better explain that comment! Watcher never had horns. I had a talk with Divis a little while ago where he told me that novas are still evolving, and that the next phase is going to be completely non-human in appearance, or something, so for some reason the mental-picture I got was a nova covered in horns of random sizes and appearances! OK, that's cracking me up again! Good! It's the first laugh I've had in a long time.

Thursday, March 15, 2007
Haven't had a chance to update in over a month because I haven't had access to the internet! After my wrestling match everything just went a little crazy and I asked Ethan if I could crash at his dad's for the week, and James doesn't have internet access, and I'm not sure he really knows what the internet is, but that's just fine with me! It was really peaceful without it anyway! Then we found out that we had another three weeks off, and James said I could stay, so stay I did, and Ethan came home every night!

There's so much I want to write about the month at the Crane farm but I'll just have to delete it afterwards anyway so I won't. Maybe there will come a time when I can write about it. Needless to say, I'm feeling SO much better...so much more relaxed. You know...if me and Ethan just quit being superheroes and hunkered down at the farm and disconnected the TV and radio I think I'd be just fine. I think my temper would slowly fade and I'd be a happy, peaceful person. It wouldn't be a fast-paced life, but I'd be with Ethan and our babies and James and Radar and we'd have no worries...no stress...nothing to piss me off...just surrounded by love. I think it could be a REAL utopia...not a Project Utopia.
Hehe...I think Radar would be upset with me if I tried to disconnect his TV, though!

I won't get into the details of everything that happened on the day of my wrestling match because by this time it's public knowledge, but I'll recap the important information:

1. I beat the Terminatrix in less than 10 seconds. Fastest time ever in the XWF. Tee-hee!

2. Divis tried to recruit Rage to join the Teragen. Which has given me an idea. A very dangerous idea. What if I have Rage join the Teragen so she can spy from the inside for Caestus! I even hinted at it to Ethan and he got that fire in his eyes that I love and thought it might be a good idea! Just when I think I can't love Ethan any more my heart just gets fuller and fuller! I'm still thinking it over. I mean, Ethan wants to get me pregnant as soon as possible. Could you imagine a Rage who's secretly pregnant with Supreme's child joining the Teragen?? She'd have to go into hiding for 9 months right after joining! Even if she claimed it was someone else's baby Divis would still be VERY interested in it, and as Pumpkin says, "NO BUENO!"

3. I saved Bob's life. I had that split-second where everything slowed down and I wondered if he deserved me to save it, but then my immediate responding-thought was that I couldn't let my Bob die...as much as I want to wring his neck myself so many times! Then I completely fucked up while trying to sneak up on Divis, and he grabbed me and chucked me right into Bob at about 900 miles per hour, and Bob ended up breaking his back when we smashed into a car. *sigh* He's going to be fine, though. Those Aeon doctors are something else. I hope I never have to find out just how good they are first hand, though! And you know what? Me and Bob have actually gotten to be friends in the last month when I tortured him by visiting him in the hospital almost every day!

4. Umbra was finally released from the infirmary and she's back home with Pete in San Diego. She left Team Tomorrow Americas. So did Chiraben. So that leaves T2M Americas with zero members. Looks like Caestus has his work cut out for him.

5. Stormwatch Julie ended up being a psycho-bitch so we got her fired. Ha-HA Stormwatch Julie! Hmm...I better keep tabs on her. This isn't good...she's seen our files. *sigh*

And it just gets better from there! Sero is now Stormwatch One. Just when I thought her head couldn't get any bigger! Or bossier! Well...I shouldn't say that. She USED to be my partner in crime back when it was boys against girls. Now she just stays in her lab all the time. Hmm...maybe she's busy growing a horn or two...I'll have to rub her head next time I see her!

6. Tonight we're FINALLY having a proper Stormwatch party to get to know the new guys and properly introduce them to a rousing Stormwatch-edition of Truth or Dare! Hooray!! Hopefully I'll have lots of juicy things to report tomorrow! Speaking of that, I hope they have internet access at the White House! *grin* And speaking of juicy things, Pumpkin finally proposed to Songbird!! Looks like there will be a bird in the pumpkin patch! Or rather, Pumpkin might finally start planting a pumpkin patch! And the bad jokes just keep going on from there! Seriously, though, I'm happy for him. Ooh-- I wonder if he's going to get that special Rumplestiltskin-visit from Divis where he says he's "very interested in any children they might have." Oh yes, no engagement would be complete without that little detail!

7. I miss Ethan. Slider told him about the situation in Darfur with the U.N. and the food not getting to the people because of the warlords, and he immediately took off to help them. He's been gone all day and I don't know how long he's going to be gone because his cell phone is off right now. I was really hoping he'd be at the party tonight.

Later that afternoon...:
OK, I'm a little bit grumpy about something. Why did Slider decide to go talk to Ethan about the Darfur-thing without mentioning it to me first, and then why did Ethan just leave without saying good-bye?? I will not be paranoid, but what the hell? I know those two are the humanitarians, but hello? Ethan's fiancee? Member of Stormwatch? Any of those ring any bells? Let me in on it, too, people!!

See, the reason why I've had it out for Slider since she joined Stormwatch is that she's, as Raoul himself put it, "so sweet she gives you caveties." It's like she's too good to be true. The guys all want her...her poster beat mine because she tried to look naked in it, even though she's got this innocent-girl-image, and she got NO backlash from the press on that-- that I could tell, anyway...she spends all her time and money on children's cancer-charities...and then we find out that she's this experienced sex-pert underneath it all! JESUS! Don't *I* get to be special for something and NOT have some other chick tread on my territory?? She'd pose for Playboy if her contract allowed it. I KNOW it! She can't be sweet and generous and innocent-looking AND have the sexy poster and all the guys wanting her!! It's one or the other! And you know what the best part is? I've been donating $2 million a year to the women's track and field scholarship program me and my dad started last year and NO ONE KNOWS!! Why? Because I don't flaunt it in people's faces! That's why! And as far as sex goes, Slider lost her virginity WAAAY earlier than I did, and has slept with more guys! Yet I'm the selfish one who hoards my money and has the slut-reputation! WHEEEE! Like I said, sometimes I wonder why I try.

The worst part? Slider is the funnest person to hang out with. I TRY to hate her, and it's really easy to hate her when she's not here, but then she walks into the room and suddenly everything's funner and I don't want her to go. Damnitdamnitdamnit!!! Well...I'm going to go fly around now and calm down before the party.

Hold on...DAMNIT!!!! Ethan's going to miss the fucking party now!! Arrrhghghghg...FINALLY I was going to be able to be dared to do the provocative, sexy, physical acts because my fiance was going to be there to do them on, and now he's not going to be there!! Last time we played this game no one could dare me to do anything physical with anyone else except kiss the other girls because I was Supreme's girlfriend, and now it's going to be the same old stupid kissing-the-girls-dares again!! [this entry later deleted]]

Friday, March 16, 2007:
I just HAD to write!!! I'm at the White House right now-- in my own guestroom! Woo-woo! Look at me, Dad, hehehe! I'm supposed to be getting dressed for the dinner-thing right now, but it only takes 5 minutes to get dressed when you have no one to impress. *sigh*

Boy do I miss Ethan. This is really pathetic-- we've only been apart for 2 days! Well...actually, this is really good for me. Our wedding is so close now, and I've been getting really nervous. But last night after the party I laid awake for hours, thinking and thinking and thinking, and then I had this horrible nightmare where I was pregnant and about to give birth to our baby, and the doctors in Stormwatch Tower ended up being traitors and knocking me out and cutting out my daughter and kidnapping her and taking her to Divis, and I woke up screaming Ethan's name, and it was so horrible opening my eyes and seeing his side of the bed empty!! In that moment my cold feet disappeared and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to marry him, and it was such a relieving feeling!!

I know I'm going to be deleting this entry so I might as well get everything out of my system. Ever since the day Bob threatened that Ethan would leave me if he found out what I did to General LaFontaine I've been having Teragen-dreams. The first few dreams were erotic ones. *sigh* Boy will I NEVER repeat them to ANYONE!! OK, here goes.

The first two nights I dreamed I was having a threesome with Divis and Raoul. Ugh. That makes me cringe just typing it! Anyway, this may be a little descriptive, but I feel that it's significant somehow. Divis was always behind me and refused to take me any other way than doggy-style. He didn't want to be able to look me in the eyes. I felt like it was a combination of him looking down on me as this weak creature in comparision to him, so I was only good enough to fuck from behind, AND he was trying to give the ultimate insult to Supreme that Supreme's wife wasn't good enough to fuck any other way than like an animal, yet I also sensed a fear in him...fear that if he let me be on top or underneath that I had some trick up my sleeve that I'd pull on him when he was distracted. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, so Raoul was the one in front in the threesome, and he seemed more intent on impressing Divis with his skills than on impressing me! A bit of a let-down, really, after 3 years of his bragging!

OK, so the first night of this dream it was definitely of an erotic nature where I felt like I was a willing participant. But then when I dreamed the same dream the next night it was darker...different somehow. I felt like I wasn't there of my own free will...like I had to pretend to be enjoying myself...even though everything was the same as the night before. I also felt this palpable contempt from Divis that I was there...like he was disappointed that I'd actually agreed to have sex with him and betray Supreme.

Then the third night started the real nightmares. I dreamed that I was standing with Divis and Raoul on this mountain-top at the entrance to their secret "evil lair," and that I'd just agreed to join the Teragen. It seemed to be in exchange for something. I think it was in exchange for my baby...that they'd agreed to return my baby to Supreme if I joined them...yes, that sounds right.

Anyway, they were so nice and pleasant and polite to me until after the baby had been sent off to Supreme, and then suddenly it was like I was in Dante's Inferno-- yes, I actually paid attention in English class, Pumpkin! Anyhow, everything was suddenly darker and so menacing and there was this horrible feeling of being trapped and suddenly knowing that I'd made this huge mistake that I couldn't get out of. The dream was so bad that I can only remember glimpses here and there of what happened to me, but I remember Divis and Raoul insulting me...beating me...chaining me or shackling me with some kind of restraint, and I knew the moment the locks clicked shut that I would never be able to break them, and you know what the worst part was? I knew that no one wanted to come rescue me...that no one WAS going to come and rescue me. Not even Supreme. I knew I was stuck there forever. And even when Divis told me that he'd unshackle me when I flew off to do Teragen-missions, I knew that I wouldn't be able to escape afterwards.

I was SOOOO relieved when I woke up and realized it was just a dream!! You have NOOOO idea!! That's why I'm hesitating and thinking really hard about if I want to dare attempt having Rage join the Teragen. Was this nightmare a warning not to do it? Or just my inner fears working their way out? Yeah-yeah...I'd really be impressing Pumpkin right now with my "deep thinking" if he could read this! Too bad I have to delete it! Could you imagine Raoul or Divis getting a hold of my online journal, reading this entry, and getting ideas?? I mean, I'm already paranoid because, like I said before, I know I'm the most powerful female nova, and what if Ethan and I have an incredibly powerful nova-baby, and Divis wants one of his own and comes after me to be his breeding-woman-thing?? OK, OK...I have entirely too much time to think, what with the Teragen being so quiet lately!

Anyway, so the fourth dream was the one I had last night where the fucking doctors stole my baby. No more sleeping for me. I don't even need to sleep anymore because my body is impervious to human needs now, so I'm just not going to do it. I don't need food...I don't even need to breathe! Incredible, isn't it?

So after I woke up I went down to the track and ran for a couple of hours, and then decided to go up to the infirmary and visit Bob. That was a test of wills-- going to the infirmary-floor after that nightmare. Anyhow, I had a really nice visit with Bob. OK, another dream to get off my chest. Hey-- I'm getting married! It's full confession-time!

Last year I had a dream where I had sex with Bob. And then the next day I started looking at Bob with new appreciation because he was so good in the dream, hahaahahahaa! So then last night during Truth or Dare Slider asked if I would have ever had sex or a relationship with Bob if I hadn't met Supreme, and I suddenly remembered that dream I'd had! And I remembered how for the week after the dream I'd started teasing Bob about how I knew he wanted me and silly stuff like that, hahahahaa! Poor Bob! I just couldn't shake that dream-Bob...wondering how close he was to the REAL Bob! *grin* So my answer to her was yes to the sex, but no to the relationship. Could you imagine a relationship with Bob?? Neither can any OTHER woman, apparently! His job is #1, and there's no #2. Well...I'm sure there's #2...especially after eating down in the cafeteria, hahahhaahha! Ahem. Oh yeah...Stormwatch Julie was definitely a big pile of #2! Oh no! Poor Dave's #2 now, heheehheehehhe! OH NO!! POOR DAVE!! HAHAHAHAAH I have to call and apologize to him!!! HAHAAHAHAAH! OK OK OK OK calming down! I'm just so excited right now because Bob is letting Rage wrestle again!!!! I can't believe it!! He wants me to keep an eye on the Teragen members in the XWF...or the potential ones, at least, since Raoul claimed on national TV that the Teragen is against the XWF!!! Yeah RIGHT. And then Raoul insinuated RIGHT ON NATIONAL TV that I was the one who killed that moron who almost got my $80 million!! And somehow Ethan's law-partner says I don't have a case?? JESUS I hate lawyers!! (added later as an afterthought: no offense honey!) [entry deleted up to this point]

OK OK I'm getting off-track here with my entry! Talk about non-sequeters! Woo-woo, Pumpkin! See?? I know a big word! *grin* Pumpkin's just lucky I haven't had any sex-dreams about HIM! Maybe that's because I get enough sexual exposure to him when I take the elevator past he and Songbird's floor when she's in town! *grin*

OK so the party last night! Not the best Truth or Dare we've had. I'd like a re-do. First of all, our newest member, the Iron Mountie, wasn't even there! What the hell! This was supposed to be a meet-and-greet-sorta-thing!! "Playing hockey downstairs" my ass! We don't even HAVE a hockey rink in the building!!

Anyway, I got dared to run naked through the law offices-- which I VERY much enjoyed, as you can probably tell by my previous comment on hating lawyers! *grin* And I dared Slider to call Raoul and describe what sex-acts she'd like to do on him, HAHAHAHAHAHA!! She hates him so much!! But DAMN is she good at phone-sex!! Where did she learn THAT?? So then she dares me to call Dave and do the same thing to him, and the most hard-to-believe-thing happened: I choked. My mind went blank and I couldn't do it!! All I got out was that he was a bad boy for going into hiding for a year and needed to be punished, and he knew it was me and was all confused, and then I just hung up, hahahahahaahhahaa!! POOR DAVE AHHAAHAHAHAHAH!!! Like I said earlier, I have this reputation for being a slut, or sexually experienced or something, and it's all a LIE! LIES, I tell you! Lies! *grin*

Anyhow, some great things did happen at the party, despite the less-than-stellar Truth or Dare! Sero brought Dylan McShane to the party! Talk about into the lions' den! *grin* Sero wanted she and Dylan to be exempt from the Truth or Dare-- yeah right!-- so Slider decided that in exchange for sanctuary Sero had to lay a big, tongue-involved kiss on Dylan for at least 30 seconds within a certain time of him arriving. And she DID!! Go Sero!!! Didn't know she had it in her! And speaking of that, not too long afterwards she DID have it in her, heheheehehehehee!! She confessed today that she and Dylan had the ol' sex during the party! As if the stick suddenly going missing from her ass wasn't clue enough! *grin*

And another kiss lead to sex during the party! Someone dared Elias to kiss Kat, or Kat to kiss Elias...I can't remember...and they did, and then they got drunk and went to Elias' floor and had sex later on! And now we're all wondering if Kat's pregnant because Caestus was not kind enough to give the new guys the "Your nova-body and you!" lecture! Looks like we'll be finding out tomorrow. Or Kat will, at least.

I dared Songbird to give Pumpkin an "uplifting" lap-dance, which she did a little TOO well, and those two went off and had sex later on.
Facade was spotted taking a strange man up to her room, and later confessed that he was some human she knows, and that they had sex, too.
People who did NOT have sex last night: Slider, the Duke (that I KNOW of, anyhow!), and me. *sigh* What's wrong with this picture??

So after getting to Washington today we TRIED to go sight-seeing, as the President commanded, and suddenly the fucking Directive assholes show up and insist they have to follow us around, and we can't use our nova-powers to evade them!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!! How is this right?? How is this even possible?? You know what? I'm in too good a mood to linger on this subject anymore. I just wanted to add that Sifiris decided to make an appearance before Kat and Elias at the Lincoln Memorial and offer them the choice he never had, or something, hehe, and then he disappeared before I could get there and ask, "Hey! What happened? We never talk anymore!" hehehe. Silly Sifiris! I haven't seen that guy since the day I arrived in Geneva 3 years ago! I almost forgot about him!

Holy shit...oops. I just looked at the clock. I've got 3 minutes to get into the dress the Duke picked out for me! Talk about time flying!! Tonight is going to drag without Ethan there. I wish I could at least call him and hear his voice! I hope he's OK...

Saturday, March 17, 2007:
Guess what?? I'm looking over my laptop right now at the most gorgeous naked man sleeping in my bed...mmmmm. No, not you, Pumpkin! Stop that! *grin* Anyway, last night I came back to my guestroom to find Ethan there waiting for me!! I almost cried I was so happy to see him!! What a great surprise!! His mission to Darfur was successful. He got the food to the people, and snatched up the stupid warlords and flew them to the U.N. building in New York where they were prompty arrested! I asked if he got any "personal justice" in on the warlords before he dropped them off, and he said no. Damn. *grin*

Anyway, we had the best reunion I think any two people who are getting married in a few days could have! It was incredible. I didn't go to sleep afterwards, though. No more nightmares for me, thank you. That's why I'm popping online right now. But in a minute I'm going back to bed so I can snuggle up next to him again. Yeaaaah shut up. I know that sounded sappy! Screw you! *grin* No, screw me! Hehehehe I'm so giddy!

OK, I'm going to delete this paragraph after I write it, but...I got the address to Divis' parents' house last night. I'm not even going to mention how, but I have it right here. Apparently Divis' adopted father is dead and only his adopted mother lives there. What am I going to do with this, you ask? Insurance, baby. Insurance. If Divis tries to come after our baby after it's born or anything like that, I'd like to have something to bargain with. Or if he kills anyone else I care about I might just have to show him how it feels to have someone close to him get murdered. That's assuming he has any feelings for this woman. Which...I think he might. She's still alive, right? [this paragraph later deleted]

OK, going back to bed now! Hey! It's St. Paddy's Day! I just realized that! Well a very happy St. Paddy's Day to me! Ah-oh...I just noticed that Ethan's not wearing any green! *evil grin* Better go pinch him...

Later that afternoon...
The drama never ends around here! After I got everyone else up by making loud rooster-noises outside their doors we discovered that Sero had gone back to New York in the middle of the party last night! What the hell? So we all got in the jet to fly back to New York and Caestus conference-called us and chastized us for not showing Sero proper respect, or something?? All of us were beyond confused! STILL are!

Anyway, so the jet landed and I got off and waited for Slider to come out, and then we went down to her room and I apologized for making a joke at her expense last night that came out sounding mean when I didn't mean it to, and I told her about how we girls are a little jealous/resentful of her for all the attention she gets from the guys, and how she may not mean to but she makes me feel "not up to parr" because of all her charities and social work and stuff that she fills her time with, and she said she didn't mean to make us mad or resentful...that she didn't realize she had such an affect on the guys...that kind of stuff. It was my very first "girl-talk," if you could call it that! And I thought it went very well!

I've never "played well" with other girls. They're just competition to me-- whether it's in sports or in love. I've never really been able to see any point in having one as a friend. But Slider...well...to her credit she is the first female I've felt like I could trust completely. I even opened up to her about my fears about my upcoming marriage and stuff. Now THAT took a lot! But she'd just gotten through opening up to me about her biggest secret, so I decided to return the favor. I won't write about her secret right now...maybe in the future. This is one of those secrets that you know is going to get out eventually.

I also asked her if she'd be me and Ethan's wedding planner and in exchange I'd let her be my maid-of-honor, and she jumped right on that! It was a huge relief to have that off my shoulders!

Anyway, right now she's renting movies and buying snacks for a "chick-night" tonight in her room. Kind of a bachelorette-party, in a way, I just realized! YIKES!!!! TOMORROW IS MY WEDDING??!? AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Hold on...need to go fly a few laps around the building!!

A little later...
OK I'm back. Phew. Something came to me a little earlier. Slider told me I need to learn to control when my "Rage" comes out...bring her out in a legal situation, like when we're fighting the Teragen or terrorists or something where it's OK for me to go ballistic and freak out. Then I realized what the root of my resentment is: the 2004 Olympics. If I can get justice for having my medals taken away, I might not need Rage anymore! That would make Ethan very happy.

So I had this thought. Sero and Thundergirl have invented machines that can register if someone's a nova or not by scanning them, and the Directive has eyeware that does something similar. What if the machines could look at the footage of me in the Olympics, and then the news-footage of me giving my medals back, and tell everyone that I was NOT a nova in the Olympic footage, but I WAS a nova in the news footage!! The Olympic Committee may not believe the results if they came from a machine that someone in Stormwatch invented, but what if they came from one of the Directive's machines?? Wouldn't the Olympic Committee HAVE to accept that as proof? Especially since Stormwatch and the Directive hate each other??

I am SOOO excited to ask Sero if this is possible!! What if they finally return my medals to me and I get my name back in Olympic history as not only a 3-times gold medal-winner, but a 3-times world record-setter?? I can't believe that this might be a possibility!! If there is a god out there, please...PLEASE let this work!! I worked my whole life towards going to the Olympics, and if it was god's fault that I erupted, then god owes me this one!

A little later...
Shit shit shit shit shit. The nova-detecting machines don't work on TV footage at all. Back to the drawing-board.

The middle of the night...
Oooooh boy. I think I've finally discovered my life-pattern: a day of peace followed by a day of chaos HOPEFULLY followed by a day of peace again. So we were supposed to have a chick-night tonight, but Sero had a date with GQ, Facade was nowhere to be found, and Thundergirl wanted to go to the new novas-only club "The Blackburn" that was having its grand opening tonight. Poor Slider. You should have seen her face! It even almost broke MY heart!

We did have time for one movie, though, but I could tell that Slider was really disappointed. I knew I couldn't let this opportunity go, though...going to the opening of this club...so I just had to convince Slider to go with me so she wouldn't be sitting in her apartment moping all night, and I had to decide if I wanted to be a blonde or a red-head when I went to the club, if you know what I mean. *wink-wink*

So I talked to Ethan and he didn't want me to go at all! Damn! Why can't I ever get him to go to a party or dinner or club with me?? Isn't that the best part about having a boyfriend/fiance/husband?? A permanant date to go everywhere with you?? So I asked him what HE was going to be doing, and he said he was flying out to get James and Radar and bring them to the Tower to stay in our apartment before heading out to Geneva tomorrow, so I'd need to sleep somewhere else tonight because it was bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding!
So I ended up making a big complicated compromise to try to please everyone tonight! I flew with Ethan to bring James and Radar back, Slider said I could sleep in her apartment tonight, and then me and Slider went to the club-- I was planning on showing up as a blonde initially, and then coming back later as a redhead, but the redhead-thing never ended up happening.

We get to the club, and Slider instantly spots Geryon and demands that Stormwatch arrest him. *sigh* We'd only been there for 60 seconds! And everyone thinks *I'M* the troublemaker! I hadn't even had a proper chance to tease Raoul about his ambiguous relationship with the club-owner! Let's see...what was her name? Necrophilia? Necronomicon? Oh yes...Narcosis! *grin*

Anyway, Slider was INSANE! When I wouldn't commit to helping her arrest Geryon she started walking right up to him by herself! See, I'm getting married tomorrow. The last thing I wanted to do was get killed, or have less guests at the wedding, you know? Or even have it get cancelled! Luckily the Duke and Mestre both went with Slider. The Duke did something pretty cool with his nova-powers. He asked Geryon if he'd like to come outside, and Geryon said, "OK!" and went out with him! NICE!

So I stand there a minute, watching them go outside and then start talking, and then suddenly Geryon blows up to giant-Geryon-size and I'm like, "Ah shit...here we go..." By the time I get outside the Duke has been knocked out and there's just Slider and Mestre-- Mestre threatening Geryon with one of those collars-- and I thought to myself, "What Would Pumpkin Do?" I mean honestly...even if Mestre got the collar on him and we somehow arrested him, the Teragen would try to break him out of prison endlessly, and ultimately Geryon's fate should be in Pumpkin's hands.

So I grabbed Geryon with my mind and flew both of us up into the stratosphere. And here's where things get sticky, so I wanted to record MY side of the story here in my journal where I'm not being constantly interrupted and my motivations questioned.

I flew him up into the stratosphere to see how hearty he is. See, whenever he and Pumpkin fight, Geryon always runs away. One of these days-- like today-- Pumpkin wouldn't be there and someone else would have to kill him for what he did to Polaris, so I wanted to see if Geryon could be killed by being flown up into space, but he held up just fine. He even liked it! This whole time I kept trying to reach Pumpkin on his Pumpkin-phone, but he was always "out of area."

So I was trying to figure out what to do. I am against arresting novas now. I believe in the "death-duel" principle that if a nova deserves to die because of their actions, the one who has been wronged deserves the first shot at killing him. That's justice. So I couldn't just let the others arrest him! This is Geryon we're talking about! Caestus even told us that if Geryon were to be "fatally injured" while we were apprehending him that he'd look the other way!

After trying to reach Pumpkin again and again and still getting the "out of area"-message I finally decided that I was probably going to have to be the one to kill Geryon. Enough was enough.
I'm not stupid-- I know Geryon's much stronger and heartier than I am. So first I took his gigantic size away from him. Try to break me over your knee NOW, fucker! And suddenly I found myself 12 feet tall!! That didn't happen LAST time I sucked Geryon's size-power out of him! Is this a new nova-power?? And then I realized...now I have my OWN set of Damage Hands! I admit this distracted me for a minute! I wished I could have shown Damage! Or finally challenged him to a REAL pumpkin-duel!
Then Geryon started leering at my naked body and it brought me back to reality! I guess when you double your height and weight your clothes don't like it much and they tend to rip off, hehe!

So next I tried to suck Geryon's strength-- again, trying to even the fight out for me because I knew Geryon was a LOT stronger. And I did feel stronger, but only a little stronger. At that point I realized I didn't know how much longer I'd be 12 feet tall, so my last move was to try to suck some of his heartiness out, and I felt a LITTLE heartier, but not much. See, I've watched Geryon and Damage fight for a good hour with both of them healing faster than they could hurt each other, and I didn't feel like going round and round for an hour and risking Geryon's powers coming back in the middle of the fight.

At this point Damage FINALLY answers his phone!! Jesus CHRIST, Damage!! About time! I tell him I have Geryon and ask him what he wants me to do. Pumpkin answers me by telling me to take Geryon to this clearing in Jersey near the ocean, so down we fly.

Geryon had been trying to get me to drop him so he could see what would happen when he hit the ground, so I obliged him by dropping him to Pumpkin. About this time Sero started buzzing in my ear, asking where I was and what was happening. I told her I'd just brought Geryon to Pumpkin, and told her the general area where we were since I'd never been to Jersey before and wasn't sure, myself.

Meanwhile, Pumpkin-- looking a little crazy, if I do say so myself-- punched little Geryon so hard that Geryon went flying towards the ocean!
I thought, "Not again!" The last two times Geryon got away from Pumpkin it involved him swimming away! So I used my mind to grab Geryon and throw him back to Pumpkin like a pitcher throwing a pitch to a batter! And boy did Pumpkin hit a homerun! I think you could hear the crack it made a mile away when Pumpkin punched Geryon!!
And then Geryon just layed there and didn't move. Me and Pumkin looked at his body laying crumpled there in disbelief, and then Pumpkin checked him and found out that he was dead!! I don't think either one of us could believe it! I flew down and gave Pumpkin a BIG hug, and then suddenly Mestre showed up and Damage jumped on Sero's new motorcycle-thing and POOF! Disappeared!

So I had to be the one to explain to Mestre what happened, and he demanded we take Geryon to the Priest to be resurrected, or something!!!!! YOU HEARD ME!! RESURRECTED!! Then this ambulance shows up and loads Geryon in, so me and Mestre get into the ambulance-- me arguing with Mestre about why he needs to let Geryon stay dead, and Mestre staying stubborn that Geryon needs to be healed somehow! I thought I was in the Twilight Zone again!!

Then suddenly Pumpkin's back, pissed off that Mestre's trying to get Geryon to the Priest, but before Pumpkin can do anything to stop him, Mestre grabs Geryon and teleports the two of them to Stormwatch Tower! *sigh*
At almost the same time we get a frantic message over our intercoms-- I think it was actually from Bob-- telling us to get back to the Tower because there's a situation!

I get to the Tower in less than 10 seconds...the Tower's not far from the Jersey shore...and I find Divis Mal floating there, looking REALLY pissed. For some reason he decided to fly right through one of the floors of the tower and smash out all the windows. And people say *I* need anger management classes! Sheesh! So I ask him what's wrong. He demands to know what happened to Geryon. I tell him that Pumpkin killed him in a fair nemesis-duel. And Divis calms down! Phew!
Then Divis wants to know details about the fight. I assure him that Pumpkin killed him single-handedly. Which he DID! The only reason I fucked with Geryon before Pumpkin got to him was because I thought I was going to have to fight Geryon, and like I said earlier...I'm getting married tomorrow...don't want to miss my own wedding due to sudden death, right? What were we going to do-- wait until Geryon's size-powers came back and THEN resume the fight??

Divis believed me, but looked a little sceptical. He floated down to the ground, so I followed him. Then he started heading for the entrance of the Tower!! So I flew over and stood in the doorway, blocking him. Yeah, yeah...I guess I forgot about wanting to be alive for my wedding, hehe! Divis tells me to get out of his way and he won't tell me again...and I believe him...so I step aside, but I only give him enough room so he has to brush against me to get by. When he brushes against me, I STEAL HIS LASER-EYES!!! Can you believe it?? I did!! And he didn't even notice!! I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to laser anymore Aeon associates in the heart and kill them, like last time.

He sees Mestre and Pumpkin in the lobby arguing over Geryon's corpse, and demands the body...which they wisely give to him. Then he tells Pumpkin that if he finds out that it wasn't a fair fight, everyone that Pumpkin loves will be dead. Then he flies off with the body. So I try to lighten the suddenly-heavy-mood by joking that boy am I glad Pumpkin doesn't love ME, but it didn't work.

So I go up to Slider's apartment to see how she feels about Geryon being dead, and got a very happy reaction from her! Then people start showing up, questioning me with very suspicious voice-tones about what happened! What an insult to Pumpkin that they don't think he killed Geryon on his own! And why the hell does it matter if he did or didn't?? When did it ever matter to Aeon or Stormwatch HOW we kill Teragen members?? Again I felt the Twilight Zonish-feelings descending on me! When did Stormwatch go soft?? Doesn't anyone remember the old days when we blew up insurgents and killed rogue-novas like we were swatting flies?? What are we turning into-- powerless freaks with psuedo police-powers??

Ethan showed up and wanted to know what happened, so we went up to my apartment to have some privacy. He told me that as soon as Divis had shown up, Ethan had quickly flown James and Radar to safety, and then had helped evacuate as many people from the tower as he could. Ethan told me that he, James, and Radar were just going to head for Geneva tonight to be early for the wedding, and I thought that sounded like a safe idea.
So I told him what happened, and then we said our good-byes for the night, and now I'm here typing in an empty apartment again. I'm telling you...this "absence makes the heart grow fonder"-crap SUCKS!!

Shit...I just remembered...I'm getting MARRIED tomorrow!!! EEEEEEEEE!!!! OK, my stomach is doing belly-flops-- pun intended! Time to fly another few hundred laps around the outside of the building again! If nothing else, at least I can make sure Divis isn't lurking around outside!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007
*big smile and sigh* Today is the first day of spring, and I feel re-born. Ethan and I were married 3 days ago in Geneva, and it was really wonderful...but nothing compared to our honeymoon so far. I don't know what happened when we were declared man and wife, but something definitely happened! Our wedding night was the stuff of fantasies! I'm not going to be able to do it justice if I try to describe it! It just...felt different than any other time we've been together. I've been floating around just on the memories of that night!

We're staying in a cabin in the middle of nowhere that belongs to James. It's heaven!! No cell phones...no communicators...no TVs or radios...no neighbors! Just the two of us! And he's been here the entire time! No flying off to work or to save some person in distress! I get him all to myself! He's sleeping right now, so I thought it would be a good time to write about the wedding!

But first I wanted to mention that EEEEEEEEEEE I came so close to getting pregnant on our wedding night!!! We both got swept up in the romantic mood and Ethan asked if I wanted to go for it right in the middle of sex, and my mind was so clouded that I said yes and he looked so excited, but then right at the end he quickly changed his mind. THANK GOD!!! If he'd gone through with it I would be pregnant right now and wouldn't be able to fight in my last two wrestling matches!! Or try to infiltrate the Teragen as Rage!! I'm so glad Ethan got smart enough for the both of us at the right moment!!! (Radar's going to be disappointed, though, hehe!) [this paragraph was later deleted]

So on to the wedding! We all got to Geneva early on Sunday, March 18th. It was good to see Andre again, but I only got to say hi and wave before Slider whisked me off to a room I've dubbed "the Bride's Prison" because I had to sit in there for hours and couldn't leave while they were finishing setting up the wedding!

My parents and Pete and Umbra came in to see me and wish me luck, and I ended up driving Pete away by pestering him about when he's going to marry Umbra! That bastard hasn't even proposed yet!! After Umbra almost died and everything! I'm going to beat some sense into him if he doesn't propose soon!

Then Caestus came in to see me, and we had a nice talk, and finally they were ready for me to come out on Dad's arm! Holy GOD did Slider do a fantastic job! The wedding was outside in the training-field-- VERY appropriate since that's where I first met Ethan, and where I stood watching while he turned the clouds into swirls and I felt my heart go pitter-patter for him, hehe!

There were flowers EVERYWHERE! Now I know why Radar kept thinking, "Flowers!! Flowers!!" to me every 5 seconds! The only thing I was a little concerned about was Slider having most of Stormwatch sit with the guests. I thought they were all going to be bridesmaids and groomsmen and stuff! But the only members of Stormwatch who ended up being in the wedding party were Pumpkin and Slider! I have to talk to the others and make sure they know that wasn't me or Ethan's idea!

The Priest did a really beautiful wedding ceremony. No mention of god or religion, and he emphasized the "for better or for worse"-line like I'd requested! And Ethan STILL said "I do!" *grin*
The reception was really nice, too! People kept coming up and introducing themselves to us, so I didn't get a chance to tell Slider what a good job she did, but I will when we get back to New York.

Margaret Mercer-Pax-- Caestus' wife-- introduced me to her FATHER!! I had no idea he was still alive! I didn't even know what to say other than it was nice to meet him! If she and Caestus are our bosses, this guy is the godfather! Wow. And he came to MY wedding!! *gulp* He had a bad cough, though, and I asked Margaret later if he was OK, and she said he was just getting old.

Then Radar kept trying to get my attention, so I followed him into the building and saw Radar and a man staring intently at each other. The man introduced himself as Margaret's brother-- I was so surprised to meet him that I can't even remember his name-- and he told me that he once had a dog like Radar, and that if he ever had a dog like him again he would take REALLY good care of him. Then he excused himself. So it's obvious this guy is a nova of some kind, and he knows Radar's secret, and was advising me to protect Radar. Like Radar needs MY protection! I'm the one who needs RADAR'S protection! *grin* But I got what he was saying. [this paragraph was later deleted]

Then Radar kept going off about "secret...safe...puppy..." and I finally figured out that he's just impatient for me and Ethan to have a baby (aka "puppy") so he can start protecting it! He sees it as his important mission! So I told Radar to be patient, but I don't think the word "patient" is in his vocabulary! [this paragraph was later deleted]

So Radar and I re-joined the party, and Radar started going around and staring at people...trying to make sure they were not dangerous...and then begging food from them if he liked them, hehe! He did NOT like the Duke's new bodyguard, however! Thought he smelled like rotten fish! Bob had pointed the bodyguard out to me a little earlier, and I'd started humming that "I will always love you"-Whitney Houston song from "The Bodyguard," and that made Bob laugh! It appears that getting knocked out by Geryon has really made an "impact" on the Duke, hoohahahahaha! Ahem.

I found Pumpkin and told him that I didn't mean for only he and Slider and no one else from Stormwatch to be in the wedding-party, and he dubbed my wedding "Slider's Wedding!" after that, hehe!
Then a group of us started asking Pumpkin about when his wedding was going to be and stuff, and Ethan asked Pumpkin who his Best Man was going to be, and I grinned and told Pumpkin that I'd wear a tux if he wanted me to, and he just rolled his eyes!
So then we started joking about digging Watcher up and wheeling him down the aisle so he could be Best Man, or having a cardboard cut-out of him to stand next to Pumpkin, and some people might have thought we were sick or being insensitive, but I was actually feeling a little melancholy and emotional about Watcher being dead. I think we were both really missing Watcher and trying to convey that there was no one Pumpkin would rather have as Best Man. So it was more of a tribute to Watcher.

Then Bob let me know that Raoul had dropped off a wedding present at Stormwatch Tower. Security had cleared it, so I told him to have them open it. It was an antique baby cradle. *sigh* Raoul, Raoul, Raoul...was this a hint? Or a threat that Divis is watching? Or a genuine present? I tried to joke to hide my distress by saying, "Now come on, Raoul...Ethan and I can't even fit in that!"
What should we do with it??

At that point Ethan was getting a little anxious and wanted to go, so we said good-bye to everyone and flew off into the sunset...literally! Well...it was actually more of an early afternoon-sun, but you get the idea! But because we left so early we ended up missing dancing to "our song!" And here's where I show the chink in my armor: I AM a sad, sad romantic underneath. Slider would be so proud of me for admitting it! So because we missed dancing to our song, I wanted to write the lyrics here because...well...they're perfect for us. And after I'm done with that I'm going to lay my romantic ass in bed next to my romantic husband!
(ooooh husband!! Ethan's my husband!! WOW! That's the first time I've written that! It felt kinda cool! *grin* Gwenneth Crane. [deleted] Gwen Crane. Mrs. Gwen Crane. Mrs. Ethan Crane. Mr. and Mrs. Ethan Crane. Ethan and Gwen Crane. Supreme and Lady Supreme. [deleted] Aura and Lord Aura! Hahahahaah!)

"You And I" by Celine Dion

High above the mountains, far across the sea
I can hear your voice calling out to me
Brighter than the sun and darker than the night
I can see your love shining like a light
And on and on this earth spins like a carousel
If I could travel across the world
The secrets I would tell

You and I
Were meant to fly
Higher than the clouds
We'll sail across the sky
So come with me
And you will feel
That we're soaring
That we're floating up so high
'Cause you and I were meant to fly

Sailing like a bird high on the wings of love
Take me higher than all the stars above
I'm burning, yearning
Gently turning round and round
I'm always rising up I never
Want to come back down

You and I were meant to fly

Monday, March 26, 2007
Well we got back from our honeymoon late last night! I had mixed feelings about being back. On the one hand I was sad because I knew I wouldn't be seeing much of Ethan this week because of the trial. On the other hand I've been itching to get some of my personal projects started so I was glad I could finally get started on those.

My Personal Projects List:
-get my Olympic medals back (ask Slider for help)
-go beat on the Confederate with Pumpkin and whoever else wants to do "guard duty" with us
-send Rage to the Blackburn to get things started with the Teragen infiltration
-maybe send Aura in on another day to yell at Raoul for insinuating that I killed that dumb "I won't be searched"-guy when he knows it was someone in the Teragen who did it!!
-check that cradle that Raoul gave us for a wedding present
-try to find Bounty
-check on Robert Reed from the "Tattler"
-bring up "Pumpkin-bombing" Michael Wycroft's compound and the Directive HQ in NY to Pumpkin and other others to see if they're serious about doing it
-get together a list of grievances for the Nova Council meeting coming up
-meet with Lance to hammer out the grudge-match we're doing soon

So yeah! I'm going to be a busy girl! That is, unless Stormwatch gets called in to do something. If we do, I'm going to have to do my projects during my off-time since I no longer have to sleep.

That afternoon...
Damnit, Stormwatch got called in to do something! OK, OK...so I'm not really sad about that, it's just funny! I think I jinxed myself when I wrote my last entry!
So the plan is that we're going to Washington D.C. tomorrow at 8PM, spending the night there AGAIN, and then flying over to Israel with the President to guard the building with Team Tomorrow Europe during the supposed peace-talks. Then when he's ready to leave we'll follow him on his 30-city tour and guard him. Zzzzzz. The only reason that I like this plan better than staying in Israel during the entire peace-talks-process is that I'll have more free-time to wittle down my projects-list. Maybe they'll be some action. I guess I'm supposed to hope that there's NOT any action, but...then I wouldn't be Gwen, would I! *grin*

So guess what. Ethan scanned that cradle from Raoul and there was a tracking device and something else in there-- probably a bug. Ethan crushed the bug and smashed the cradle and then threw the pieces into the stratosphere-- making sure to leave the tracking-device in place so Raoul could track his lovely cradle as it makes its way into space at a million miles an hour!
I loved that angry/determined look on Ethan's face while he was throwing the cradle! I know that sounds like a weird observation to make after talking about the cradle being bugged, but it kind of defused my anger somehow! It was the only thing that kept me from stomping over to Raoul's high-rise and punching him in the face! It was...sexy. Yeah, so I'm a screwed-up person. I know that!

That night...
OK, I just talked to Slider and for the first time in 3 years I have a glimmer of hope about getting my medals back. Not because I think it's possible to change the Olympic Committee's minds, but because Slider had this look in her eyes when she told me to trust her. I think SHE might go a little nuts if they reject her appeal! Her and me, both, baby. Her and me, both. And woa be unto the Olympic Committee if they say no.

See, I got to thinking before the wedding, and there are two reasons I'm so incredibly pissed that my medals were taken away:

1) I earned them. After working hard for about 15 years. I was NOT a nova during my events, and any retarded person should be able to see that. When novas erupt, their powers are a little eratic until they get trained. If I was a nova during my events, how could I have precisely thrown the discus, javelin and shot-put so they were just far enough to break the world record and win the gold and not look like a nova threw them? I couldn't have! Even NOW I couldn't do that! I'd either throw it THROUGH the stadium walls, or it would be obvious I was pulling my throw and I'd throw some weird distance. That's the argument I used 3 years ago and they just didn't get it.
2) I sacrificed my relationship with my dad to ensure that I made the Olympic Athletics team, and then got nothing in the end.

So yeah. I'm really pissed, and it eats at me constantly. At least me and Dad finally made up. But I wish I could go back in time and have him as my high school coach and share all our victories, you know?
Ooh Ethan just called! He's on his way home! Time to sign off!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Wow was today ever eventful.
1. Me and Slider met with a representative from the Olympic Committee, and representatives from the countries of the girls who are currently displaying MY gold medals in their houses. The Olympic Committee-guy took one look at Slider and I knew she had him. The Russian-guy might bend. It's the Cuban-asshole who I'm worried about. That country's got nothing going for it BUT those 2 Olympic medals they're holding hostage! He better give them back or I have half a mind to "bye-bye" Cuba! Wow-- that felt good to say! Yeah, like Ethan would really stand by and let me demolish Cuba. At least I know where Osleidys Menendez and Yumileidi Cumba live. Made it a point to find out while I was picking up some cigars for Bob...
OK, OK...trying to calm down. It's just that Slider really got my hopes up, and I couldn't handle being told no again.

2. Terrance Hauk blowed himself up REAL good. While he was busy researching how to fuck with Supreme, he didn't take into account LADY Supreme, who eats quantum blasts for lunch! Poor Pumpkin...I had nowhere to unleash the quantum I absorbed that wouldn't result in bad PR-- and Stormwatch is ALL about the PR-- so Pumpkin let me punch him...and I busted up his arm pretty bad. It's all healed now, but I had a moment there where I wondered how long he'd be in recovery! I've never hit anything that hard before! If it wasn't Pumpkin it would have felt REALLY good! Actually, let me correct that. If it wasn't Pumpkin just standing there letting me hit him, but rather it was Pumpkin fighting back, THEN it would have felt good! But instead I feel bad! I need to get him TWO presents now! One for that, and one for him not letting me get fired! But what do you get for a Pumpkin who has everything? Hehe!

So now I'm in "my room" again in the White House, and I'm alone. *sigh* When Ethan told me he was going to turn the Edgar Wright case over to his partner in order to keep Edgar from exposing him as Supreme, I had this little jolt of excitement because I'd have more time with Ethan! I also felt disappointed because I wanted him to be the head lawyer in the case and really stick it to Edgar!

So then today I find out that he was keeping a secret plan from me. He told the judge that he was staying on the case, and then had Facade show up as "Supreme," and now no one believes Edgar. Why couldn't he have told me that?? This is the second time he's done this! First with the Middle East blockade, and now this! And I haven't been able to reach him on his phone because he's got his voicemail on, so I can't ask him if he didn't tell me because he didn't trust I could keep it a secret, or he wanted to surprise me, or he just forgot. Answers 1 and 3 would be bad. And I don't really like THAT kind of a surprise. I mean, I've been really diligent with protecting his secret! I would HOPE he would come and tell me when he has a plan!

Maybe I'm just being mopey because I don't know when the next time I'll see him or talk to him again will be. I have to laugh at my reaction because back before we even started dating he told me that he'd make a bad husband because he was always so busy, and I told him that didn't sound like a bad thing to me. HA! Silly Gwen.

OK, enough of that! Time to find out if the no-fly-zone around the White House pertains to me! [today's entire entry later transferred to another folder]

Wednesday, March 28, 2007
God...where do I even begin?? And the day isn't even over yet. That's the best part. Right now I'm on Air Force One escorting the President back to Washington D.C., but this sucker flies slower than molassas so when I'm done writing this I'm going to ask if I can push the plane the rest of the way. Slider's in critical condition and I don't need to sit here puttering along wasting time.

Just to sum up, the peace-talks started and then we got word that Mohammad Zarqi (or whichever Mohammad it was this time...doesn't matter...all that matters is that he's dead if Slider dies) was hiding out in a hotel in Egypt and we were supposed to go there, grab him, and bring him back to the U.N. For some unknown reason Slider wanted to stay behind with T2M Europe in Israel...she probably misses her old teammates...so we went to Egypt without her.

So we get the fucker, and then on the way back we find out that there's been an assassination attempt on the President by some of the Israeli guards of all people, and that three of his secret service-guys are dead and Slider was shot three times. When I first heard that she'd been hit I wasn't worried...I thought she could take bullet-wounds and laugh like me and Pumpkin, but it looks like she's not endowed that way. Jesus.

So Pumpkin grabbed her and flew her to Geneva on Sero's bike-thing that I apparently can't pilot, and Sero is flying Mohammad to the U.N. in New York as we speak, and then she'll grab the Priest and fly him back to Geneva to heal Slider, and I'm stuck here on Air Force One. "Dear Thundergirl...bet you wish you were here! Love, Aura."

Which brings me to my rant for this entry. What the hell does the President of the United States of America-- who's up for re-election and the only candidate I would vote for-- think he's doing trying to get in a 17-year old's pants?!?!? The only thing I can think of is that he doesn't KNOW she's 17. If that's the case, I still respect him. If he knows...then I'm just not going to vote in the next election. I'd end up throwing up on the ballot! Not that his ability to be President should have anything to do with his little-girl-fetish, but come ON! When you know what's going on behind the scene it's hard for the plastered smile on your face to reach your eyes when you're shaking his hand, you know?

I'm looking at El Presidente right now and could easily say "Hey Harry! How old do you think Thundergirl is?" but he's a little distracted right now...what with his secret service-buddies dead and almost being shot and all. It would be inappropriate to say the least. Not that I'm known for being appropriate, but...well...you know.

Hmmmm. I wonder what the deal is with El Mestre and La Thundergirl. He mustn't have made a very big impact on her because now she's trying to decide which older man she wants to give it up to next: El Presidente or El Tease (my new name for Raoul. Boy...Pumpkin's really gotten me on this Spanglish-kick now!) Anyhow, if she wants to get with Raoul she's going to have to sign on the dotted line first, so I'm going to be watching that interaction carefully. She might not know that I've noticed, but I have. She was HUGELY disappointed that she'd been kicked out of The Blackburn because how would she get to dance with Raoul again and hang out with Teragen members! *grin* Luckily her "big sister" Rage will soon be like an American Express card: everywhere she wants to be! Hehe...ahem.

Speaking of Mestre, he's gone on some kind of...I don't know...sabbatical or something. He wants to re-evaluate being in Stormwatch after seeing how bloodthirsty Pumpkin and I can be. You know, if I went on a sabbatical everytime I wanted to re-evaluate being in Stormwatch I'd STILL be on sabbatical, hehe! The only way to work this out is by talking about it. I think Pumpkin's waiting to call a meeting once Mestre's back. And after everyone's kissed and made up we should play Truth or Truth again, cuz baby do I have some questions for some people! *grin*

Oh and Sero's brother is...hmmm...interesting. Looks like that family didn't dispense the genes evenly! One got all the brains and none of the social skills, and the other got none of the brains and a little too many social skills! Am I just getting old or something? All the new novas seem so young to me all of a sudden. Must be a side-affect of getting married! SHIT! That's depressing! Well, at least I have Pumpkin, right? You know...next time he's passed out from nova beer I'm going to hire a tattoo artist to come and tattoo a big heart across both butt-cheeks! In the words of the Kool-Aid guy, "Ooh YEAH!!" Adding that to my list of projects to do! *grin*

A little while later...
*sigh* The pilot said he'll "think about" my request to push the plane home. Stupid male pride. Now I'm going to be full of restless anxiety until he lets me out of here.

It was so good to see Andre again. I was just going to be polite and say hi in case he had any bad feelings towards me for getting married and stuff, but he was the same old Andre! After talking to him for a minute I forgot we were supposed to be watching for terrorists! Anytime anyone's in a bad mood they should have an Andre-button on their fast-dial so they can call him and be cheered up. He and Slider would have been a cute couple, but it looks like that ship sailed.

It's a weird moment...finding yourself alone with your ex-boyfriend for the first time since breaking up. The same things you were attracted to initially are still there, but there's this glass wall up between you now that keeps you as two separate people. You feel wistful...reminiscent...a little sad...you remember the good old times...having a partner in crime who kept pushing you to do daring things with him...all KINDS of daring things...it's like brushing past a memory and when you touch it you feel some of the life spark up a little, and then die back down again...almost like watching someone on life support struggle and then die...then come back to life for a quick moment only to die again. Maybe that wasn't the best analogy but it's all that I can think of right now. Andre is so fun...so full of vibrant energy! He's like a battery that feeds you energy when you get close, and then when he leaves you feel the energy go with him. I just wanted to pay tribute to Andre...my first. A great athlete, a great lover, and a great friend.

I don't know...I'm just in a funk right now. I tried to call Ethan again and his answering message was on again. He hasn't even tried to call me. I seriously haven't talked to him since I brought Terrance Hauk down for show-and-tell in front of the press, and that was only a split-second of eye-contact between us! And then I flew up into the sky and for all intents and purposes could have been severely injured when Terrance blew up, and still no call!! Shit...now my eyes are getting teary. This couldn't be more embarrassing...the President's bodyguard is boobing away across the aisle from him.

Anyway, he might have called Dave or something to see if I was in the infirmary but Dave never told me if he did, and hell, Ethan! Call MY phone first, if that's the case! I mean...I understand he's supposed to be maintaining that he's not Supreme, but he's always been good at finding a quiet place to sneak off to and call me a few times during the day! I don't know what to make of it! PLEASE don't let him be one of those men who lessens up on the romance after he marries you because he knows you're his now so he doesn't think he has to make as much of an effort!! I even didn't say "I love you" in the message I left to see if he could tell there was something wrong and call me back quicker, but he hasn't!

OK, OK...trying to calm down. Until I talk to him I can't know why he hasn't tried to call. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though I might have died in a firey inferno 100 stories above his press conference and rained down pieces of my body on everyone below. Jesus this is depressing me! And then I run into Andre when I'm feeling lonely and sad and he tells me he misses me, and then Pumpkin tells me how he's having long-distance relationship-issues with Songbird, too. Life is just one big mess, isn't it? Hopefully everything will straighten itself out soon and we'll all laugh about what dorks we were today.

Jesus CHRIST why can't this plane fly faster?? I hope Sero finds the Priest fast and gets him over to Geneva. You'd think they'd let me follow Pumpkin and Slider to Geneva and find someone else to sit here with the President, wouldn't you? I'm going to stand up and pace around and make annoying noises until they finally give in and let me push the stupid plane!! Dad always says "the squeaky wheel gets the grease!" Well it's time to grease this squeaky wheel! Or something.

Thursday, March 29, 2007
Just when you thought God couldn't make life anymore interesting...

After closing up my journal each day I always think, "Thank god today's over! Tomorrow will be calmer!" and everyday I'm WRONG!
Right now I'm sitting next to Slider in Caestus' jet...Pumpkin's just up ahead of us...and we're flying back to New York from Geneva. Now guess what's wrong with the picture! I'll give you a hint! I can hear the sounds of an oxygen machine pumping and a heart monitor beeping. Slider's laying on a portable hospital bed with all these wires and tubes connected to her. Pumpkin and I just spent the last 18 or so hours in Geneva with her. She's going to make it.

When I last left off I was flying to Washington with someone who's now dead: El Presidente. But I'll get to that in a minute. The pilot actually did let me push the plane the rest of the way to Washington, and then I ditched the President and flew off to Mexico City to find the Priest. Seems he's been doing a little missionary-work there. I asked around and finally found his trail...and then him.
To sum everything up, I found he and his companions' bodies laying in the road with giant Geryon-sized footprints all around them, so I called Raoul and yelled at him, but he told me Geryon is still in their infirmary and won't be out for months yet. Just then this familiar voice pops into my head telling me to leave Mexico. Yeah...I THOUGHT someone as ancient and powerful as Apophis died a little TOO easily. But why he thought Mexico would be a great place to build a summer-home is beyond me!
So I told Raoul what had just happened, and he told me to get out of Mexico because Divis is "gone" and won't be back for a year. Hmmm. Gone, eh? Gone growing a set of horns? Or maybe some praying mantis jaws? Hehe. Anyway, so I flew the Priest's body back to New York and then flew right to Geneva.

Slider just HAD to flatline a couple of times...to show me her displeasure at how late I was getting there, I'm sure! I don't know what's up with people I care about deciding to flatline just to give me a heart-attack, but first Bob, then Umbra, and now Slider! BAD Slider! BAD!

Then suddenly Ethan shows up! He flew all the way to Geneva from New York as soon as the trial was over for the day...when he heard about Slider. I know I know...I'm being whiny again. But damnit, he flies all the way to Geneva for Slider, but he can't call me after I almost blow up to make sure I'm OK?? OK, OK...stop it Gwen...knock it off. It was just such a complete surprise to see him there that I was sort of tongue-tied for the first minute! I wanted to slug him in the arm and yell at him, but not in front of Pumpkin, and not with Slider so touch-and-go in the operating room.

He stayed with us until Slider made it through her operation and got transferred to the ICU, and then he went back to New York. The doctors told us that Slider had to wake up within the next 12 hours or things wouldn't look good, so I made it my personal mission to try to get her to open her eyes...just for a few seconds!
Oh! I have to add...when Pumpkin and Slider first got here, Slider needed a fucking transfusion or she would have died! Luckily Pumpkin offered his blood, so yeay Pumpkin! I'll have to ask the doctors if it was orange with seeds in it, hehe! (just kidding, Damage!)

ANYWAY, so what did me and Pumpkin do to try to wake Slider up?
Hour 1-2: we sat and talked to her and touched her occasionally to let her know we were there. It made her heart-rate go up a little, so we were encouraged to keep going.

Hours 2-8: we sang songs to her. And when the not-so-annoying songs didn't have any affect, we started singing the most annoying songs we could think of! As duets! She still didn't wake up, but boy did her heart-rate go up everytime we sang, hahahaaha!
I'm going to suggest to Pumpkin that we record an album called, "Aura & Pumpkin: Duets for the Infirmary" and have it pumped into all the rooms in the infirmary LOUDLY to encourage the residents to get better faster, hahahaha!
Caestus, Andre, and Songbird showed up during this time and sat with her, too, for a while. Caestus had to go first. Then we had Andre and Songbird sing to Slider because...they can actually sing! Then Andre and Songbird got tired and wanted to go back to their apartments, but me and Pumpkin stayed right by Slider's side.

Hours 8-10: Me and Pumpkin finally got tired of singing, (THANK GOD, cried the nurses and doctors, hehe!) and thought of playing Truth or Dare to see if it would make Slider fight back to consciousness so she wouldn't miss her turns, but it didn't work, so we turned on the TV and started watching. They announced that she and Bono have been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize! But even that didn't wake her up. In fact, NOTHING on TV woke her up. Not even that moron Jordan McDevitt's show.

Hour 10-11: I flew to the gift shop and bought every stuffed bunny they had, as well as every balloon and every flower arrangement! Then I brought them all back to Slider's room and made a little jungle using the flower arrangements, and I positioned some of the bunnies so they were peeking through the leaves, and some bunnies I tied to milar balloons and had them floating around the room!

Hour 11: Slider opened her eyes!! She looked around at the bunnies, groaned, and then went unconscious again! I ran and grabbed the doctor and asked if my bunny-paradise had been a bad idea, but he said that on the contrary it had been a GOOD idea, so phew!

So we continued sitting with Slider for the remainder of the time we were in Geneva because things were crazy back in the States for the rest of Stormwatch. Thundergirl and Mestre were accompanying the President on his tour and the news started talking about this serial killer who was kidnapping teenage girls, raping them, and then mutilating them and leaving their bodies in Washington, D.C. Then right after the President gets to Los Angeles ANOTHER mutilated body is found...this time in Los Angeles.
To summarize, it was the President. That whole assassination-attempt had been set up by a government official and secret serviceman who wanted him dead, and we'd foiled it. Mestre found out that they had another attempt planned, so Bob re-called Thundergirl and Mestre to New York so the attempt could go through, and it did. The president is dead.

I KNEW there was something wrong with him!!! I KNEW he was too good to be true!! Man do I wish I would have told him that Thundergirl was only 17 on the plane-ride yesterday so I could have seen how excited it made him instead of shocked! Then I would have been tipped-off that he was a pervert and could have warned everyone!
I'm just so...so pissed-off right now!! I wish I could grab him by the throat and ask him why he did that to little girls...to see the shocked look on his face that we knew his secret...to hear what he had to say for himself!! I'm glad he's dead, and that I didn't have to be the one to soil my hands in his dirty blood to make him dead. I'm just enraged that the only candidate who's pro-nova had to be a fucking serial killer!! Why, God, why?? Stupid God.

OK...it's been a few minutes and I'm feeling a little calmer. Everyone in Stormwatch has been talking through our com-links about this, and we've decided not to tell Slider. At least not unless the United States needs a big shake-up and we have to reveal the truth about the President.

I'm a little concerned about Pumpkin. I'm trying to decide what I should do about it. He's supposed to be getting married in about 2 months, and I know he loves Songbird, but I don't think he's IN love with her. I think he's comfortable with her so he thinks this is the next step he's supposed to take in their relationship. I finally figured this out last night when he stayed down in the infirmary with us instead of going up to Songbird's apartment with her. I don't want to let him walk into a mistake, but I also don't want to fuck up our friendship by bringing it up! I'm just not good at this sort of thing! What should I do?? W.W.D.D.?? (What Would Damage Do?)

Well, looks like we'll be landing soon. It's early in the morning New York-time so I'm just going to hang out with Slider in the infirmary until tonight. I've got things I want to get done but they have to wait until dark.

That afternoon...
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Olympic Committee decided that I was NOT a nova when I competed in the Olympics, and are returning my medals to me TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're having a ceremony for it and everything!!!!! They're giving me back my original medals and correcting the Olympic records and World Records!!!! I am just stunned. STUNNED!! Slider's awake and acting like her old self, so she was able to hear the announcement! I've been too paranoid to let myself show how excited I am-- aide from flying around the infirmary as fast as I can without knocking anything over-- because I'm afraid it will jinx things and the Committee will suddenly change their minds and fuck me over again, but once the medals are in my hands again and the ceremony's over, I'll finally let it all out. I hope Slider doesn't think I'm not excited or not grateful. I'll let her know tomorrow how excited and grateful I am! I just cannot relax and celebrate until I really have the medals back. My appeal has been submitted and rejected SO many times in the last 3 years that I've grown a little cynical about the Olympic Committee.
I called Dad and told him I'm flying the whole family out for the ceremony-- even Richie and Nick! I've only seen those two once since me and Dad made up, and it was a little weird after the 6-year silent-treatment. They've never met Ethan-- tomorrow will be the first time. I'm a little curious to see how that goes. I hope they're not pissed at me for not telling them about the wedding. *sigh*
I just can't trust them to keep Ethan's true identity a secret. They're the types that would fall over each other trying to be the first one to get to the media with the secret just to get their faces on TV and be hailed as the ones to uncover such an important mystery. They know I'm married to Supreme, and I had Mom and Dad tell them that we suddenly eloped and that's why they weren't invited to the wedding, but I don't know if they bought that. We'll see. Richie lives in Seattle and Nick lives in Phoenix so it really wouldn't be that hard to believe that we couldn't assemble everyone quickly when we were ready to elope...right?
I miss them, though...I miss how close we all used to be. Oh well. If they can't understand why I did what I did then fuck 'em. They of all people should understand.

The middle of the night...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I just got through smashing most of the furniture in our room and banging my head on the desk. I stopped when I realized that if I wrecked the desk and computer I wouldn't be able to write in here. I made Ethan give me my space so I could vent hfifyidyiuojiojljljhimilftsetrsutfyf ETHAN!!!! I'm going to start calling him "Jiminy Cricket" because he thinks he's my god-appointed conscience!!! I can't even BELIEVE him and Caestus!!!!!! Especially Caestus!!!!!! Of all people I would have thought he'd have let me kill Raoul!!!!! What the fuck!?!?!?!? eaiopfjapwrawrjtrjrsjisjesfjsertrjigfjsjgisjgijseijfedisjdijfsdj

A little while later...
OK, I'm trying to order my thoughts here. What a mess I made in our room. At least I didn't break the bed. Yet. I plan on some VERY angry sex with Ethan when I'm done venting. OK, OK...I'm glad they stopped me from killing Raoul. It wasn't even him I wanted to kill, anway. He was just the only Teragen member I could get my hands on, no pun intended. Aside from that stupid "Numbers"-guy.
And what the hell is wrong with the Teragen?? All their members have these grating, soft, calm voices!! Well, all but Geryon and Divis, anyway! All the rest have these enfuriatingly calm voices! The bartender...the blond pretty-boy Raoul was talking to...Raoul, himself...the guy without the face...even that bitch Necronom-- no, Narcosis! They all have calm voices!! AAARGH!! Maybe THAT'S my kryptonite! Annoyingly calm voices! Or maybe traitorous husbands who pull the cheap love-card to get me to do what they want me to do.
*sigh* I hate how pissed I sound at Ethan all the time in this journal. But why would he DO that?? "If you love me you won't do this." How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?? All I could think of was to say, "If you love me you won't stop me!" Baaaah!

A little while later...
DAMNIT!!! I am SOOOO humiliated!!! I just found out that Pumpkin knocked me out cold on his second punch!! I'm just going to curl up in a corner with a blanket over my head. I hope no one else finds out about this! My only consolation is that it wasn't me fighting him-- it was Narcosa-bitch. If it HAD been me I wouldn't have been so stupid as to get into a straight fist-fight with him! I hope he knows that, too! Here I've been so excited to fight Pumpkin one day-- just to see what happens-- and when I finally get my chance, I'm not even THERE for it!! He could have killed me if he wanted to. Ugh. It hurt my ego to type that! I need to stop screwing around with my projects and get back to the training rooms. I've been slacking. If Pumpkin could kill me with two punches, image what Divis could do.

A little while later...
I'm kind of relieved that my attempt at getting Rage into the Teragen failed. I knew deep down that I would be found out one day. At least I found out a little bit more about them before they found out a little more about Rage. They think all novas will one day enter some kind of chrysallis-stage and come out as either marvels, monsters, or portents-- whatever THAT means. So now I'm wondering if Divis is in some giant red and yellow coccoon somewhere growing horns! He's got some kind of religious cult centered around him. That makes me even LESS interested in the Teragen. Religion...now THAT'S my TRUE kryptonite!

OK, now for some TRUE secret journal-thoughts. There were two reasons I wanted Rage to join the Teragen:
1) to spy on them
2) to finally find out what it's like to be a member of the Teragen behind the facade of being a spy. When the blond-guy told me I needed to kill that Florida congressman as part of my initiation, I got this excited shiver that was like a mini-orgasm-- although I hid it well. I wasn't worried about being found out at that point. If the pretty-boy was reading my thoughts he should have been well-pleased at my reaction. I was excited that I would "have to" kill the congressman in order to progress further in my spy-mission, and there was nothing anyone in Stormwatch could do to stop me if they wanted my infiltration to be successful.

There. I said it. The truth behind all my frustration is that Rage needs a fix. I haven't killed anyone since Frost, and if you think having a mind-orgasm at the thought of killing someone is bad, you should have seen me right after I killed Frost! I wasn't able to do anything for a good minute but sit there and let it wash over me in waves. And after I recovered, I was just as shakey-legged and disoriented as after a sexual orgasm! I think Rage is almost desperate to feel that sensation again...so badly that she would have killed Raoul tonight. [this entry was later deleted]

A little while later...
Jesus...what the hell is wrong with me?? I really feel like two different people lately! There's the person I am when I'm calm and content with Ethan and his dad and Radar, talking about having babies, and then there's the person I am when something pisses me off. It sounds psycho to talk about myself as two separate people, but I think I'm getting somewhere with this. I don't think Rage likes Supreme very much because he IS Aura's conscience. I think Pumpkin hit it on the head when he said that we've all got little angels and devils on our shoulders! Only I've got Rage on one side and Ethan on the other-- I don't have my own angel, it would seem!
I think Rage sits on Aura's shoulder and whispers ideas to her, and Aura's very agreeable to them, and then Supreme finds out and pulls out the love-card and Aura can't bring herself to do what Rage really, really wants her to do because she doesn't want to disappoint or lose Supreme, so Rage gets madder and madder, and Aura gets more and more conflicted. I guess the good thing is that Aura IS conflicted. If Supreme wasn't there imagine what I would have done by now.

I thought that if I got my medals back that Rage would lose her anger and Rage and Aura would meld back into one person: Gwen. But Rage is still there, and madder than ever. I don't know if getting my medals back is going to satiate her now.
But on the other hand, I think I should keep Rage around for when an emergency comes up and I need to fight like a demon. I don't even know what I'm talking about with all this dual-personality-crap. I'm crazy. La-la-la.
Actually, me and Ethan were in bed talking a while ago, and we were talking about our three identities-- his being normal-Ethan, nerdy-Ethan, and Supreme, and mine being Gwen, Aura, and Rage-- and we were discussing how they were different from each other, and I told him about how I'd been posing for Rage's video game character for the upcoming XWF arcade game, and how I'd suggested to my manager that they should put an Aura-character in the game so Rage could finally fight Aura, and I asked Ethan who he thought would win, and he said something like, "I know when the time comes it will be Aura." and he said it all mystical and serious, and suddenly I knew we weren't talking about video game characters, so I guess there's something to it.

You know what would be funny? If pre-eruption-Gwen threw javelins at both Rage and Aura and defeated them both. Sometimes I miss her.

A little while later...
Wow...my temper's gone again. I let Ethan come back up, and I TRIED to still be mad at him, and I tried to be rough with him, but I couldn't. I even glared at him for a good minute, and then started laughing. He said he knows I'm a good person. Would he think that if I let him read my journal?? Probably. And hey! He has a temper, too! I pointed that out to him, and he laughed and admitted it was true! Maybe he has his own little orgasmic rush while he and Divis are fighting! Hmmm...maybe not ORGASMIC, hehehe! That's just a bad visual! But something LIKE it!
So we had sex and it was incredible, and again he asked me-- right in the middle of it-- if I wanted to get pregnant now that my Teragen-infiltration is ended, and this time it was me who had enough presence of mind to remind him that I still have my last two wrestling matches to get through. Man...this is getting scary! How am I going to cover my pregnancy once I get pregnant!? I don't want any of the Teragen to find out! Am I going to be flying around with this big belly covered in EuFiber? Hehehe...maternity-suit!

And Raoul said that the Teragen is "protecting" me until I get pregnant and have a baby. And after that I'm "expendable." I asked Ethan what he thought they meant by that, and he got that sexy, angry/determined look in his eye and said not to worry about it because he'd protect me. Now I'm not the type of girl who wants/needs to be protected, but in that moment I thought it sounded kind of...nice. Boy am I whipped, hehe! Will...not...let...Surpreme...make...me...girly!!!

Ethan's passed out on the bed, as usual! I joked with him that sex is HIS kryptonite, so good thing I'm the only one who'll be able to fight him with it! He just said, "Ha-ha!" and then started snoring, hehehe! It's cute. I'm glad we've made up. We had a long talk and I told him how I've been feeling, and he apologized and promised he'd call more and make it a point to go out with me more and stuff, so I'm feeling much better right now.

I'm just waiting to hear back from Pumpkin. He's in Denver-- he took Thundergirl there because they have the best medical facility and she's in worse shape than Slider was yesterday. I've decided that I'm going to stay here with Slider because I want to be close by in case she needs me, plus my Medals Ceremony Part II is tomorrow, PLUS Elias is back in the infirmary!
We've determined with an almost-surity that his weakness is lightening because that lightening bolt Thundergirl sent into him wasn't that strong, but he still collapsed like it had been really powerful. Poor guy! Talk about dating someone who's bad for you, hehe! Actually, I bet Elias is going to look really good to Thundergirl when she wakes up-- after all the doozies she's been interested lately, hehe! The other members of Stormwatch are on their way back from Israel, so we'll see what they want to do once they get here.

Hmmm...if Supreme's kryptonite is sex, than so is Rage's! She's totally sleeping right now, too! HAHAHAAHA! Could you imagine? Rage takes over and I'm about to kill someone, and then suddenly Supreme shows up and starts humping me and Rage screams in frustration and fizzles away, like the witch at the end of "Wizard of Oz!" HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! Is it bad when you crack yourself up all the time? I'll have to ask Pumpkin since he's more guilty of it than I am!

Well, here I am again, gazing at naked Ethan in my bed as I end another journal-entry! What am I doing just sitting here?? I must be crazy! Ethan, here I come! *grin*

And since I don't say it often enough, Ethan...I love you.

Sunday, April 1, 2007
Wow. Now that it's after midnight, look at what day it is. April Fools Day. Appropriate. And just look at that last line of my last journal entry. Yeah. So I'm spending the night here in Richie and Nick's guestroom, if that's any indication of how GREAT today went. I can't believe what happened tonight. You know what? I'm just going to start a stream of consciousness-entry here. Just type everything that goes through my head in no particular order.

My brain was stunned when Ethan first told me that he would actually leave me if I flew fucking Edgar Wright to a deserted island where he couldn't hurt anyone anymore-- even if I brought him food and made him a little hut and everything. What the HELL is wrong with Ethan?? No, no...I'm not going to call him Ethan anymore. My Ethan would NEVER have treated me like that. This is Supreme we're dealing with. Supreme cares more about his Supreme image than he cares about me. I knew it. Just read some of my past entries. Didn't he hear the priest?? "For better or for worse...til death do you part..." any of that ring a bell, Supreme??

So Supreme would just give up...abandon me...forget about it, the marriage is off...how dare you have such foresight and compassion for humans that you would fly Edgar away somewhere-- not even hurting him or killing him-- so his new company couldn't go forward, because hell! We've seen what his LAST company did! Why would we EVER suspect this new company?? Hey! Why not let him try to screw up again so then we can say, "Ah-ha! Caught you, Edgar!" at the expense of 20 more lives, because that would be following the law! And OH how perfect and uncorrupt and logical that law is, isn't it?? The one that let him off?

You know what, Supreme? I think YOU are the corrupt one!! How DARE you call yourself the protector of mankind and then sit by and not do anything about Edgar?? Sure, YOU get to pick and choose which people die! You can try to kill Divis...try to kill Apophis...but not Edgar?? And not Raoul?? I...don't...get it!! What makes you think you can stop Edgar from hurting anyone else?? You can't even tell when you're own wife is hurt because you're off doing whatever! No, "Hey, honey...you look a little depressed...is there anything wrong? Is your mom dying of cancer? Did you have a bad day? Did you have to see a shrink?" You're a LAWYER, Supreme! You're BUSY all the time! When are you going to find the 24 hours a day it's going to take to monitor Edgar's new little company?? And you wanted me to get pregnant on top of that! So me and your dad would be taking care of the baby full-time because you'd need to be sitting by Edgar's company day and night, making sure they weren't doing anything they shouldn't! What if Edgar's new company makes something that can harm our hypothetical baby? Or your father? Or my family? He tried to poison thousands of people, remember! Yeah-yeah...you think he wouldn't be stupid enough to try that again. What about Divis? He does the same "kill whoever I want"-routine and feels just as safe doing it as Edgar does, because the law protects Edgar!

How could you threaten to leave me like that?? I sit and I think back to all the incredible, magical moments we've had together...our first date...our first night together...our honeymoon...just to name a few...those were times neither of us could deny that something special was going on...and you just forgot about all those times when you threatened to leave me!! Was it because you knew if you told me you'd leave me if I didn't obey you that it would FORCE me to make the choice YOU wanted me to make?? Because you know what? If that's it, we ARE over. I could NEVER look at you again-- let alone "come home" and sleep with you tonight-- if you would dare throw our love around like some kind of bartering chip! "No, Aura...if you do that I'll leave you," he says for the 100th time when I start to do something he doesn't like. What the hell is that?? I would have thought Supreme would be the last person to just give up on someone like that! Shit, he won't even give up on the humans! He'll stand and protect them to the last, even as they're aiming nukes at him! But his wife? How DARE she fly Edgar somewhere safe! Why, that's grounds for divorce! Because how DARE she try to dirty the Supreme name! Hell-- think of our poor children!! "Son/daughter, how dare you join that band/pierce your ear/march in that protest/dress like that/talk like that/dye your hair that color/do (insert offensive thing here)?? You're a Supreme! You'll make me look bad!" DAMN! How could I have a baby with him now?? HOW DARE he ruin everything like this?? How DARE he?!? It seems like I HAVE married my father!! SHIT! I DID!! I really did! When I made a choice that my dad didn't like because he thought it would end up making him look bad, he kicked me out of the house and even said he was disowning me! And if I hadn't initiated the making-up-with-each-other meeting last year, he STILL wouldn't be talking to me! After all those years of doing everything he told me to do...eating what he told me to...drinking what he told me to...working out when he told me to...winning all those competitions...for 15 years...after making him proud all those times...and me, his only daughter, and he threw me away because I made a choice that-- in his own mind-- would make him look bad! And now Supreme is going to do the same thing!!!

Before I decided to leave Andre and start dating Supreme we had a talk. A very specific talk. We agreed that we wouldn't try to change each other...that we would continue being ourselves. And this is twice now that he's pulled the love-card on me to get me to do what he wanted! And then tonight when he thought it had worked and that I'd decided to "come home" and leave Edgar alone, he looked at me with this smile like an adult would give to a child! Like, "Good girl! You did a good thing! Now here's a cookie!" And I could have smacked him in the face! So arrogant...so sure of the power of his threat that it never even occurred to him that it might not have worked! Well I hope he's really fucking worried right now up there in MY apartment! JESUS! I was seriously going to kick him out of my apartment and let him sit in his empty "Ethan Crane" apartment in the city tonight, but I don't even want to see him or talk to him right now to kick him out!! How could he do this??

I didn't even give Richie or Nick an explanation when I asked if I could crash with them tonight. And luckily they didn't ask for one. I think they could tell that it wasn't the time to ask. I look at my family, and they think I'm this hero. And I've been TRYING to be a hero, just doing it MY way. Not the stupid let-the-bad-guy-harm-lots-of-people-before-we-take-care-of-him-way! Stupid Caestus for creating Supreme! This is mostly his fault, now that I think about it! Ethan was this quiet, wary/shy sorta guy when he came to Geneva. He didn't talk to anyone...just kept to himself. Then Caestus tries to test and measure Ethan's powers, and his equipment can't even register the levels Ethan's at because they're so high! And after Ethan's first battle with Divis, he names Ethan "Supreme" and uses the fucking media to spread this image of Supreme to every corner of the globe, all in the name of trying to make the humans like us...to make them like Project Utopia and Aeon and every other company he owns! And now Ethan-- this guy who just wanted to keep to himself and do things under the radar-- suddenly had this heavy name on his shoulders that he has to hold up! Well I'm SICK of it! I've had enough of Supreme! He even talks to me differently when he's Supreme! I bet one of these days he'll fly into the apartment when he gets off work and say, "Hello good citizen! How did the day find you?" He's NOT SUPERMAN!! He doesn't need to act like Superman!! He needs to act like ETHAN CRANE! And not nerdy lawyer-Ethan! MY Ethan! What happened to him?? Where did he go?? Did we leave him back in the cabin after our honeymoon? Because if we did I'm going back and getting him! I'm tired of Supreme prancing around our apartment! I think he needs to see Dr. Karker more than *I* do!

I'm just so angry right now. I'm trying so hard to help the humans and please all these people, but what's the point? Everyone always assumes the worst of me. I really haven't hurt anyone who didn't do something to seriously deserve it! The closest I came was what I did to Raoul, and I apologized to him for it. I couldn't even swing on stupid Confederate until he starting egging me on, and he killed Nick Jackson and betrayed everyone!

I'm going to stay here as long as my family's here, and then I'm going to just go somewhere. I've lost my faith in so many things tonight...so many things...It's so sad-- when I went to that club to find The Duke tonight and I met that bouncer from Fresno and he was so nice to me and said he was a big fan of mine AND a big fan of the Chargers and my brother and told me he had my poster, I just wanted to give him a big hug and thank him over and over for being my one fan! I even had a sudden naughty impulse in a moment of sadness and loneliness to ask him if he wanted to come home with me...something I'd never go THROUGH with, but it made me really sad that I even HAD that thought.

Poor Pumpkin...I hope I did the right thing tonight. I just couldn't let him walk into marriage without having him sit down and really think about it first-- especially after what happened to me tonight. He's said little things here and there that have let me know he's not 100% happy with his situation. I've been wanting to have that "intervention"-talk with him for a while now...I just can't believe I actually did it! I hope later on I'll be able to say I'm glad I did it.

Well...I better stop typing for now. I keep making noises, and then one of my brothers stirs in his sleep. I don't want to wake either of them up and have them see me like this. I'm really treading on dangerous ground even picking their room to cry and lick my wounds in, because out of everyone in my family these two would tease me the most mercilessly for all of this! Nielssons don't show weakness-- especially around each other. Nielssons never fail. And most importantly, Nielssons NEVER cry.

Monday, April 2, 2007
Well this was a long, eventful day! Last night I couldn't stand just sitting on the floor of my brothers' room anymore, so I flew around the city, and as I was coming back to the building Ethan flew out of our apartment and we finally talked about everything, and we actually made up with each other and ended up going back to our apartment together.
We're going to try to work on our marriage. Ethan's quitting his lawyer-job tomorrow so he can focus on training and spending more time with me. We've decided to work-out together everyday, and Dad's going to come down to the training rooms with us tomorrow and give us pointers! It will be just like the old days when he was my coach!

We left Pumpkin in Geneva with Songbird...I hope he gets up the guts to talk to her. If nothing else, I want them to have the kind of talk that me and Ethan had last night so they have it BEFORE they get married intead of a month AFTER they get married!

Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Pumpkin's back. They're still getting married, and now he's acting like, "Well of COURSE we're getting married!" and "Of COURSE I'm in love with her!" like I'm an idiot for thinking anything different, or something! Man...I wonder what happened in Geneva! At least he's sure about it now. He sounded really unsure about it 2 nights ago. Well...I tried. That's all I can say.

OH! And then he has the nerve to insinuate that I'm sad he's still getting married because *I* want him! OK, Pumpkin! You want the truth? Here's the truth! I DID like you...years ago...even though when you're not Pumpkin you're shorter and smaller than me! But then we played Truth Or Dare, and there was a point where someone asked which nova-girls you thought were hot, and which ones you'd sleep with, and I don't remember all of what you said other than you picked Slider. So then someone asked me the same thing: which nova-man would you sleep with, other than the person you're with? And you know what? If they'd asked me that question BEFORE they asked you, I would have said you. But they asked me after you gave your answer, and that killed it for me. Anyone who'd pick Slider over me can't possibly be my type after all. So I picked Saxon because he was the only other big guy I could think of at the time, and my feelings were hurt. So there you go. Are you happy? No way would I tell you this in person! I'd never hear the end of it!

And isn't that always the way it always was for me for so many years? Liking a guy, and having him laugh or run away when he found out? You'd think that guys would love a girl who they could rough-house and play with and laugh and joke with, but you know what? They don't. They like petite, helpless, giggly girls who make them feel big and strong and smart. Well fuck them. I married a big, strong, cute guy who likes that he can rough-house and play and laugh and joke with me (just not in public so much *sigh*) so I should stop being pissed about things that happened in the past.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007
So Ethan says he's doesn't know if he'll join our underwater-fortress-nova-group when it's up and running. I was tired at the time so I decided not to ask him the obvious question, which is if he decides NOT to join will he at least live there? Because if he won't, then what am I supposed to do? I didn't think there was any point in asking him that right now. When it gets closer to the three years running out then we'll talk about it.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Yuck...my mouth feels like something died in it. I tried to get drunk again last night-- this time on Nova Rum-- but it didn't work. Now I've just got acid-stomach from all the stupid rum I drank. Well OK...I got a little tipsy, but that's all that happened before I couldn't stand to drink any more of that crap. Not a big drinker...never was...never want to be.

I don't know what happened last night but I was in a grumpy mood at Pumpkin and Songbird's wedding reception. (Songbird's name is Samantha! Did I know that? I don't THINK I did! It's weird to hear a nova's real name sometimes! "Samantha Tilmitt"! Hee-hee!) I realize I haven't updated in a long time. We've all been really busy with working on the "Team Patriot-Terror" lair, hehe. I also realized I haven't spent much time with Slider these last couple of months. What's going on with her?

Anyway, so last night Ethan spent most of the reception being social and talking to people, and me and the girls spent most of the reception drinking. (read into that as you will, Pumpkin! You might be wrong...you might be right. Just not the way you think!) Well Slider's definitely the light-weight in the group, and she got PLOWED. Ethan magically appeared just after Slider passed-out, and he offered to take her back to her apartment, and I just snapped at him and said, "I BET you would!" Why did I say that?? He looked really taken a-back, but later Thunder Girl told me she definitely thought it was an appropriate question, considering the two do talk a lot. So then Andre magically appeared and HE took her back to her apartment.

I guess the ironic part of that is that when I broke up with Andre he said he was OK with it because he'd had his eye on this new nova-girl who'd joined Team Tomorrow, anyway, and when I asked who she was he said Slider. Wheeeee! She's dogging my every step and doesn't even know it! Is it any wonder I can't stop thinking of her as competition rather than as my "BFF," as she calls us??

So yeah...here's another confession you'll never get from me in person. I'm very insecure. I need constant reassurance, and yes...my self-esteem is completely reliant on other's opinions of me. This wasn't how things always were. This is a recent development. Part of being a fucking nova. When I was growing up, I knew I was the best when I won competitions, and because I was a Nielsson and had it pumped into my head every day that Nielssons are the best.
So when Caestus found me and brought me to Geneva I was still full of pride and self-assurance and still had a healthy ego. We were sent out to fight and we always came back victorious and I never lost a battle. I was approached by a room-full of representatives for different companies to represent them or give them interviews. I posed provocatively for magazines and was the favorite female nova for the 18-35 male demographic, and there was nothing I couldn't do!
But then the years went by, and I guess after long enough of being bumped down to 2nd-favorite...3rd favorite...down to 7th favorite, people yelling at you, getting after you, making fun of you, telling you what you can't do, telling you what you're bad at, telling you you're stupid, rejecting you...well...it can take it's toll...even on me. A Nielsson. Yep. Not that I was ever confident with the men to START with, but then Slider swept in and it's like she took everything away from me. She took first place in all the polls...first place in everyone's hearts...I guess I'm just waiting for her to replace me in my marriage, too.
Why am I even writing this?? It's self-defeating and stupid. I just...I don't know...I'm not used to having close friends and a man who really and truly loves me. I think I'm almost hoping something bad happens so I can go back to being alone because that's what's familiar, and because when you're alone you can't be hurt in a devistating manner. You can't lose someone you love. I think that's why I'm so terrified to have a baby. I'll love it, and then if Divis steals it or something happens to it...*sigh*
When I have these fears I just think about flying away to the deserted island I found once when I was flying around...just flying there and staying there. I've been thinking about that island for years now. And now that I don't need food or water or sleep...but could you just imagine? Someday someone finds my island and lands on it, and this crazy female nova-hermit flies out wearing tattered EuFiber and starts attacking them? Yeah...that's what I want to become. Real nice asperations there, Gwen. You've gone from Olympic gold medalist to the Hermit of Deserted Island #243. But I wouldn't have anymore pressure to be the best! No one there to compete with! Just me and the palm tree. Yeah.
You know what? I'm just going to stop writing in here for a while.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007
(Why does everything happen on Tuesdays around here??)
I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am the undefeated Red Circle Champion of the XWF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the 2nd-fastest win in XWF history-- the 1st-fastest being when I beat the Terminatrix!! It felt ALMOST as good as when I won my gold medals! I even hung my belt on the wall below my gold medal-display! I'm so excited!! I trained so hard all summer for this!! Ethan taught me how to calm down and wait a split-second to aim my shot before punching so I'd be able to hit my target with more accuracy, and it worked GREAT tonight!! I aimed for that place on the back of the head where if you hit it hard enough you get knocked out, and I knocked out Raja Ravana "The Demon King!"
(hmmmm...what title do you get if you defeat a king? Queen? Am I now the Demon Queen? Heheheehee! I feel so giddy!!)
I tried to call Lance to thank him for everything, but his phone was out of service area so I'll have to try again later.

Anyway, right now we're on our way to Kashmir because India and Pakistan declared war on each other and there's a nuclear threat, and novas are involved. The U.N. is siding with India, so Pakistan hired some novas to fight for them. One of them is called "The Persuer," and Caestus told us he's...a Kill-On-Site!!! EEEEEEEEEE!! We haven't had one of those in THREE YEARS!! I am SOOO excited! He's MINE, baby! MINE! We're probably also going to be fighting Totentanz, and I'm excited about that, too.

I just wanted to say...Ethan's been trying really hard to be a good husband, but I've been being difficult and it's not his fault. I'm really nervous because we made a deal that if he let me fight in the Summer Slam that I'd quit wrestling for a year and have a baby with him, and I've just had so many nightmares about things happening to the baby ever since we came to that agreement. He keeps telling me to stop thinking about it...everything's going to be fine...but jesus! How can he know that?? Stupid dreams.

I want to be a good wife. One day I'm resolved to be the best wife in the world and I try really hard and things go good, and then the next day I find myself snapping at him or making off-handed comments about how he talks, and then I feel like a jerk later on.

The other members of StormWatch asked why I was taking a year off from wrestling, and I said, "Because next week I'll be incubating Ethan's seed," in a really bitter-sounding voice, and I started making cracks about agreeing to "host his sperm" and stuff like that...what's wrong with me?? When we talk about having a baby in private it's very tender and almost reverent, but then when I mention it in public I'm very sarcastic and bitter-sounding! Why can't I be the same way in public as I am in private?? I guess it goes along with my fear of looking vulnerable to other people. I just HAVE to maintain this facade that nothing matters to me, for some reason. I need to stop this right away before I start talking disrespectfully about our own baby. I guess the more scared I am, or the more I love something, the more sarcastic and casual and joking about it I get. What the hell is wrong with me??

Saturday, August 2, 2008
Holy shit...I haven't updated in almost a year! What the hell is wrong with me, hehe?
Where do I even begin...

Well, you've all read the news about the Kashmir-fiasco so I don't have to tell you about that! All I can say is that it directly lead to another fiasco of sorts, but I'll get to that in just a minute. First I want to mention one of the most significant events of 2007, if I do say so myself!
On Friday, August 17, 2007 Ethan got me pregnant. Yeah...when you're a nova you know EXACTLY when you got pregnant! I don't know the exact MINUTE or SECOND, but I do know that it was Friday evening after a nice bubblebath and massage! Boy was Ethan happy! This was the VERY FIRST TIME in his entire life that he...well...got to cross the finish line without having to pull out of port. Let's just put it that way! So you can image his reaction THAT night! Greatest night of his life, hehe! And he got the added bonus of finally being able to create a child! So it was the perfect Ethan-night.

And Alexander Thomas Crane was born a little over 40 weeks later-- May 21, 2008. He was a big baby, just like I knew he would be! 23 inches and 10 pounds! And lots of fuzzy light blond hair and big blue eyes! But he didn't look big to us! He looked TINY! I had to keep asking people if we got to keep him, and if they were sure we'd know how to take care of him properly, and other first-time-mom-type questions. Luckily we DID get to keep him, and we're doing a magnificent job, if you ask me! Well, me, Ethan, James AND Radar!
It's so funny...right after Alex was born and we called for me and Ethan's families to come in, Radar bounded in ahead of everyone and stood there in front of the bed protectively! He's going to be a great nanna, hehe!

Slider was there! And I mean RIGHT THERE! She was the doctor's assistant! Yeah-- I gave birth in Ethan's dad's house in the downstairs bedroom! We hired the Cranes' family doctor and paid him a LOT of money for his discretion, so Slider got to stand right beside him and watch EVERYTHING! Her face was priceless. Ethan stood on my side so he could watch everything AND keep holding my hand. But you know what? It was painless. I didn't even know I'd dilated until my water broke, and then it was not long after that that I felt the urge to bear down, and then it was only a few pushes and he was out! You should have seen the DOCTOR'S face at that point! He kept going on and on about what a perfect birth it was, and how amazing the nova labor and birth-process was and stuff. I didn't know any different, so I wasn't too phased. I wouldn't have cried out or made any noise, anyway. I've got my pride! *grin*

So yeah-- Alex is a really cute little guy, and trust me...it takes a LOT for me to think a baby is cute! He's very calm and good-natured...unless he gets hungry or something is pissing him off! Then he takes after his mother, hehe! But even THAT is so cute that I don't mind! Ethan's going to be the main baby-caretaker and I WAS going to be the bread-winner. *sigh* Plans have gone ahead a little faster than I'd intended...

Which brings me to the fiasco-subject. Kashmir was handled so badly all around that Caestus felt responsible for it, for some reason, and told us we could have a year off and then come back for contract re-negociations. Now, by the word "re-negociation" doesn't that imply that we're still going to be under contract, but we're going to get to re-negociate the terms of the contract? Yeah, that's what I thought, too. But no. When we got back from the year hiatus Bob said we were supposed to tell him if we were going to re-sign or not. Like RIGHT THEN! Aaaaah!

So Stormwatch met to figure out what our answer was going to be, and everyone pretty much decided that since our secret "lair" was pretty much done that we should just opt out of Stormwatch and get going on our own thing. So we met with Bob the next day, and I had been picturing in my mind that Caestus would be there, and we'd all sit around the table and gently...slowly...carefully tell them in the kindest way possible that we didn't want to re-sign, but that we weren't going to disappear, and we still wanted to work with Caestus-- like how Supreme and other Independents work with Caestus.

But no. Bob called a few of us into his office one at a time, and after a few people he suddenly realized that NO one was going to re-sign and he pulled us all together, and I was trying my best to attempt to patch things over and keep him calm and re-assured, but everything went to hell. He left and went up to his penthouse, and then we get a conference-call from Caestus, and he asks us if it's true that we're not re-signing, and we say yes, and he pretty much ended the call after that, and we were left sitting there staring at each other.
And then immediately it's all over the news that Stormwatch has disbanded! It felt like an out-of-control train going over a cliff! You were powerless to stop it! And then stupid RAOUL gets on NBC and starts telling the interviewer that he knew it was going to happen! HOW?? *I* didn't even know it was going to happen!! When I came back from our year off, I was planning on staying on for the last 2 years of our contract! Me and Ethan had even discussed how we would come to the penthouse at least once a week to have some "grown-up time" away from the baby, and how I would be the one earning the income! Then the next thing I know Stormwatch is dissolved and I'm left sitting here in our penthouse feeling a little stunned.

I'm going to fly to Geneva right now and try to find Caestus so I can talk to him...maybe smooth things over and calm him down like I'd intended us to do all along. *sigh* He came to the Tower to fire Bob, and I caught him as he was flying away and called out to him, and he turned and gave me this neutral look and saluted me and then flew away! My heart felt like it was being crushed by a big Pumpkin-fist! So I can't let this go on any longer than I have to. This is all wrong. He's been so good to us...he trusted us to be the flagship for his corporate empire...I don't want him to take this personally. At least we've got Bob! He's agreed to come with us and be our secret-lair-Bob! So now we just need to win Caestus back over and I'll feel tons better.

Speaking of feeling better, tonight when it's dark me, Pumpkin, and Thundergirl are flying over to the prison to "set some prisoners free."
Which reminds me, what the hell was wrong with everyone yeserday?? We have a team-meeting after not seeing each other for a year, and NATURALLY I want to find out how everyone's doing, and no one else seemed to CARE what anyone else had been up to but ME! And Pumpkin and Thundergirl had been in fucking CHRYSALLISES for most of the year!! Thundergirl acted so cold and uncaring and emotionless! She absolutely would NOT discuss anything she did for the year, and she didn't give a shit that I'd gotten pregnant and given birth!! I don't get it! I mean, I admit I'm not the most empathetic of people, but even *I* would want to know all the details about the very first nova EVER to give birth and everything that happened! She seemed really put-out when I kept interrupting her change-the-subject she kept doing because I wanted to tell everyone what happened! At least I finally got Pumpkin to bite and ask me what happened! JESUS!

And Jennifer! Man-- was it a full moon yesterday, or something? Even SHE seemed like she was trying to change the subject when I wanted to talk about the labor and delivery, and she was maybe more excited about it than either me OR Ethan! I THOUGHT, anyway! She got all snippy and grumpy-looking, and I tried to make light of it by telling her I didn't know what she was mad about because she got to see more of the delivery than *I* did! And then she kind of calmed down, but I need to ask that girl what's up! She's Alex's godmother! Oh and up until today Caestus was his godfather. *sigh* I think my deserted island is calling to me again. Humans may not think much of assigning godparents for their child, but novas should. Especially ones who are always tempting death.

And what the hell is up with Andre?? He left Team Tomorrow so he could go to Vegas and gamble!! Last I talked to him about his future plans a few years ago he wanted to earn enough money to do something before he quit Team Tomorrow...I can't remember what it was, but I THOUGHT it had to do with sports...or opening something that he would run...I can't remember. Now he's gambling it all away! I don't care about the Vegas-chicks he's jumping on, I just don't want to see him ruin himself! He's changed a lot in the last 3 years. I'm not sure if I know him anymore, and that makes me sad.

Which brings me to my first Gwen-theory! How can you tell if you're in love with someone? First, you think of them going out with someone else. Does this make you feel happy for them? Relieved? Indifferent? Or murderous/pissed-off/angry/sad/depressed? If if makes you feel happy, relieved, or indifferent then you've moved on. If it evokes any kind of angry-reaction then you're still in love.
I came up with this theory back in March when me and Ethan were starting to have problems, and then I got to spend that afternoon talking to Andre while we were supposed to be guarding the peace-talks. He was telling me about how he had THREE Swiss Misses that he was seeing, and I was surprised when I realized that I was amused by this news, and not jealous or pissed in any way!
So then I thought about Ethan dating even ONE Swiss Miss, and I was so irate that I almost smashed a hole in the roof of the building as a knee-jerk reaction! I was so relieved that I reacted that way! It meant that despite my frustrations with Ethan, I was still in love with him. I knew in that moment that I wanted to work on our relationship and get it back to where it used to be.
So there's Gwen's First Theory-- copyright pending! *grin*

And while I'm still thinking about it, here's what I've decided to do about the XWF! (when this finally came to me I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before!)
Rage is currently the Red Circle Champion. If she moves into the Black Circle, she'll have to give up her Red Circle Championship. However, if AURA were to sign on with the XWF as a Black Circle contender, and then go all the way to the top and win the Black Circle Chamionship, then I-- Gwen-- would hold BOTH championships, and only my closest friends and family members would know! HEHEHEEHEHE! BRILLIANT!!
And I'd never have to worry about people trying to get Aura and Rage to wrestle each other because they're in separate rings and it would be prohibited, tee-hee-hee! I'm a genius!
(now I have to find out if Ethan will go along with Aura entering the Black Circle. You're allowed to use ALL your powers in the Black Circle, so lots of contenders have been killed. I just think it would be incredible training-- using my full potential to fight against novas who are almost as powerful as me! AND I'd be paid really well for it, and in our current situation money's not growing on trees anymore! Wish me luck!)

OK, now I'm going to talk to Caestus. Wish me luck on that, too. Good-bye, beautiful penthouse. So many memories here...so much that happened in these walls...in this building...if the new novas who move in here are assholes, I'm just going to push the building over, hehehe!

Monday, August 4, 2008
Four more days until the Olympics start in Beijing. Last week I sent Coach Albert Mueller of the German Olympic Swimming and Diving Team The Letter. When his 5 diving stars attacked me and tried to rape me 4 year ago in Greece and made me erupt I had no idea that I wasn't their first victim. I was so confused and scared-- not so much because of the attack, but because of my eruption-- that when Coach Mueller and some members of the German government came to me and said they wouldn't press charges for what I did to the divers if I didn't press charges against them in return, I took the offer gratefully. I just wanted to get out of there...get back to the States...and try to forget everything that happened.
Then last year when Bob made me start seeing the psychologist I started thinking about what the cause of my anger could be. I was with Jennifer one night when it hit me. I was angry that I'd erupted. So I was also angry at the 5 men who ruined my life that night when they made me erupt.
I decided to get online and see what I could find out about them...and after a lot of detective-work I found out that there had been a few girls before me, and a lot of girls after me...and I was the lucky one because I'd eruped and stopped them before they could hurt me. None of the other girls were so lucky. No one died, but they were all offered some kind of deals to silence them.
So I started contacting them-- one by one-- to let them know that they weren't alone...that there were a lot of other victims. They were all very surprised. Some were angry like me and wanted vengeance. Some were so traumatized by what happened to them that they just wanted to forget about it and not get involved with our quest for justice. Other wanted to help, but only if they could remain anonymous.
So basically my letter states that we victims all know of each other now and are united in the desire to press charges against the divers. It says that if the coach pulls the five divers from the Olympics we'll only press charges against the divers. But if the coach refuses to pull the divers, we'll not only press charges against the divers, but also against the coach and the German government officials who have been helping in the cover-up for all these years.
So now I'm just waiting...watching...wondering what the coach is going to do. The Olympics are in fucking Beijing, CHINA...the only nation on earth that novas aren't welcome in unless they register, and all this other bullshit!! Of course. Because god hates me and always has. See, me and the other girls who want vengeance don't trust in the legal and judicial systems. We're going to be there in four days, and we'll just have to see what happens.

I was mad when Ethan left today...left for Saturn...left behind his 3-month old son to do some stupid P.R.-stunt. He knows how nervous I am about our son's safety. The fact that I thought Divis was still sleeping was the only reason I didn't plead with him to stay. (that, and I wanted to show him how "give and take" works in a relationship...that even though I don't like some of his choices, I'm not going to threaten to leave him, or some other crap, just to get him not to do them.) Well, of course I was mistaken. Divis WAS awake. *sigh*

I'm so depressed. It's been getting worse and worse...I feel like I'm sinking into quicksand. I've been trying to figure out what the problem is. At first I thought it was because the shrink made me start re-living some of my most depressing childhood and teenage memories that I'd been trying to ignore, but then I realized what it REALLY is: it's Ethan.
Ethan...*sigh* I miss who I used to be 4 years ago when I first joined StormWatch! I MISS ME!!! I was funny...relaxed...excited about the future and all its possibilities! I felt free and happy for the first time in about 5 years! People knew my personality...knew that I was a wild card and I made mistakes and did what I wanted, and they still liked and and stuck by me and no one tried to change who I was! God knows why, but they've STILL stuck by me! I think Pumpkin, Sero, Andre and Caestus are my oldest friends who know me the best and still love me...somehow. Sort of.
But Ethan? He doesn't know me at all. He knows that I'm infamous for doing and saying what I want and he hates it. He has this ideal-Gwen-mold in his mind that he's determined to squish me into until I finally fit. When he looks at me and says he loves me, he's thinking of this future-Gwen that he's trying to create...this Lady Supreme. He's so desperate to make me into her that when he sees himself failing and sees me trying to be the old Gwen, he threatens that he's going to leave me unless I obey him.
I FEEL STIFLED...SMOTHERED!!! I feel like I'm losing hold of myself!! He looks down on me like some messiah or father-figure who wants to lead and guide me! He's only a couple of years older than me!! And FAR more sheltered! I don't WANT to be lead or guided!! I don't WANT to be changed or "fixed!!!" I LIKED who I was 4 years ago!! Over the last couple of years I've started hating myself and talking self-depricatingly about myself and thinking I'm stupid and a fuck-up. You would NEVER have caught me insulting myself or making fun of myself before I met Ethan!! NEVER! I had the biggest, strongest ego of almost anyone I knew! I was so self-confident and determined and sure of myself! Now I doubt myself all the time! You should see me in battle!! My teammates call me to come help them...telling me they need me...and my first thought is "what can *I* do to help? I'm nothing special!" GOD!! What the hell has happened to me??? Anyone who knew me 4 years ago would be shocked to hear me say I was nothing special!! They'd wonder what happened to the REAL Gwen!

I'm turning into my mother. Here I thought I was going to end up like Dad, but no. I heard that before Mom met Dad she was this spitfire who was popular and funny. He took the fire right out of her. Now she's this "yes dear"-housewife who goes along with everything he says. This past year I've caught myself getting excited to show Ethan how obediant and good I could be!!! I kept myself away from the news so I wouldn't know what was going on in the world and risk losing my temper and going out to kick some ass!! My whole goal in life was to be the best wife I could be!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!! HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME I'm DROWNING!!!
I've been working SO hard to try to keep to the middle ground so people would see that I've changed...that I'm worthy of being called "Lady Supreme." I came up with this whole idea of uniting the Independants...which I'm sure someone else is going to claim was THEIR idea because how could GWEN have been the one to come up with a monumental idea like that?? And then after being so excited about it, I get nothing but pessamism from people like Ethan and Jennifer telling me that my idea probably won't work-- and they're supposed to be my biggest supporters, AND supposed to be the two people who believe in and want to protect humanity the most!!

Then after trying to talk to other novas about banding together, I find out that most novas aren't interested!! They're either into being novas for the money/sex/power, or they're in DENIAL that they're even novas, or they're just content to leave it to StormWatch to take care of everything FOR them!! I had no faith in humanity after I erupted, but now I have no faith in novas, either!! I have no faith in ANYONE!! I started trying to have faith in humanity after listening to Ethan and Jennifer and Caestus and others' drivel about believing in people-- even though it was completely against my nature to trust and believe in strangers. I've been talked out of ridding the world of terrible, dangerous people-- even though I knew so strongly that it was the right thing to do-- because I was more afraid of people not liking me if I did what I knew was right. In essence, I've been killing what makes me me...just to make other people happy.
But has it worked? Do people think I'm a good person now? Not at all. People still assume the worst of me. Including Ethan. ESPECIALLY Ethan. So why the hell should I keep trying?? And this afternoon Mestre insinuated that I'm a bad mother who never sees her baby-- even though he knows NOTHING about that situation...knows NOTHING about all the horrible dreams I've had where Alex was stolen from me...knows nothing about the lengths I'm going to to try to protect my baby...knowns nothing about how I haven't slept in I don't know HOW long, just to avoid the nightmares...has NO idea that I "sleep" in the same room with him every night and haven't missed a night yet-- and he also hinted that my motivation for going against the five rapists should be in question!!! Something snapped in my head. Something finally snapped in my head.

On the way back from taking Catherine Pax to safety, I asked the group what was happening back in Geneva and they said they were fighting Divis and they needed my help, and for a moment I didn't want to fight Divis. I wanted Divis to just go on his way, because maybe what humanity needs is a powerful overload to whip everyone into line and destroy the flawed systems that are in place. And maybe Divis will be GOOD for humanity! He'll either be a good leader, or he'll be such a bad leader that he'll inadvertantly cause people to band together for the first time in the history of the planet to overthrow him! Maybe that is what will bring peace to the planet so the aliens will come back!
So deep down in my heart I hoped Ethan wouldn't be able to be reached...that the Aberrants wouldn't be able to kill Divis...because I wanted Divis to stick around. Hell-- I killed off Totentanz, and now it turns out that THAT might have been a bad idea! Except that he seemed just like all the others who are only in it for money or personal gain, so how the hell could I have ever known he might have stood with us!?
Anyway, it wasn't until Pumpkin said it looked like Divis had killed Sero that I finally snapped back to reality and flew as fast as I could to Geneva. Only to find that Divis was gone. Am I the only one who even attempts to make small-talk with Divis?? Ask him how things are going? How was your chrysallis this time, Divis? Are you pleased that we emptied the prison before you awoke, heh-heh? But no...everyone else has to just attack-on-sight. You know how many disasters with Divis I've averted by being pleasant with him?? And people think I'M the stupid one!!

Wow...I'm actually feeling tired. Maybe this was good to finally get this off my chest. I've come to a decision. While Ethan is away I am going to do what needs to be done. I am going to do what I know is the right thing deep in my heart. And when Ethan gets back we are going to have a talk, and no threats are going to scare me this time. I want the old me back. I want to re-claim myself. I want that confidence I used to have that there wasn't a soul out there better than me! THAT'S the Gwen that could move mountains! THAT'S the Gwen who set her mind on the Olympics and exceeded everyone's expectations. I want HER back. She may never become "Lady Supreme," but why settle for that when she is so much better!?!
That's all I'm going to say for now. I have a lot of work to do. And I need to leave Geneva if I'm going to make it home in time to tuck my son into bed.

Later that day...
Whoah...I don't even know how to start this entry. I could start it with "Today Divis killed Sero and put Caestus into a coma," or "Today we destroyed the Teragen," or "Today Supreme killed Divis..." or "Today is the day I got my husband back physically and psychologically." I'm still trying to absorb all of this. How about, "Today was the best of days, and the worst of days." I think that sums up.

We found out that it was Sifiris who sent Ethan to Saturn by dominating a guy at NASA. Ethan was shaken to his core when he found out that not only had he been duped, but what Divis had done while Ethan was gone. And then after Ethan was done being shaken, he was P-I-S-S-E-D!! It was the most glorious and sad thing to behold at the same time. Something finally snapped inside of Ethan, and in that moment he became the man I first fell in love with again. I was joking that I should send Sifiris a thank-you card.
Well...Sirifis GOT something, all right! The rest is history. But...I do not believe that Divis could possibly be dead. I just can't. Did we really change the whole future by our actions today? Is our stand in New York now erased from the future? That would be nice. It almost seems too easy, though. I feel...uneasy. I told Ethan over and over again to go find Divis' body and bring it back, but he refused to. I was just so thrilled with the new Ethan that I didn't push it. I hope neither of us lives to regret that.

Monday, August 25, 2008
They'll never hurt anyone else again. Or see another Olympics. Stupid bastards. That is all. Moving on.

Friday, Jan. 1, 2010
It's been a long time since I updated! Life has been very good...I guess I didn't want to jinx it by bragging about it, but then I started reading my old entries and I felt bad for how negative they were, and I thought it only appropriate to balance that with some good stuff!

Today is New Years Day, so it's one of those days where you take stock of what you have. Ethan and I have never had a better relationship. Our marriage is finally solid...you know-- where you're not afraid you're going to come home one day and find out your spouse wants a divorce! The kind of solid where you have no major complaints-- he still leaves the toiletseat up every morning, but that's about as major of a complaint as I have!-- and when I look at him I get goosebumps and just want to jump on him!
His attitude is perfect. I think it took having his eyes opened to the true evils out there for him to finally realize that I wasn't one of those evils, and that I was just doing what I felt was the necessary thing to do. He didn't like having to do the necessary thing, but he saw how doing the "right" thing just ended in more dead friends and victims. I'll never forget the look of vengeance on his face when he went after Sifiris and then Divis. That look hasn't completely left his eyes, and I'm glad. He needs to remember that day in case there ever comes another time to do what's necessary.

As time has gone on we've all relaxed more and more and gotten into a comfortable groove. I spent most of last year still unable to sleep. Every night I'd walk out onto the porch and stare up into the sky, scanning for Divis returning from space. So paranoid. At first I asked Ethan to come out on the porch with me each night, but then he'd keep catching me staring up at the stars with this intense concentration while he was trying to tell me a story or ask me a question, and he finally realized what I was doing and I think it hurt his feelings and reminded him of how he was tricked, and of what happened to Sero and Caestus, so I made it a point to only stare at the sky after he was sleeping. Like Divis would really be able to be seen at night from Kansas if he were to return! But I couldn't stop scanning.
I've finally weaned myself from the habit. Once in a while I'll stare up at the sky and just will Divis to stay away-- dead and frozen or not!

Alex is a year and a half now. Here's my favorite picture of him!

Cute, cute, cute! He and Ethan are so close. I knew they would be. When Ethan's not home, Alex will keep asking me "When Daddy come home?" over and over again. I've never dared ask Ethan if he asks "When Mommy come home?" when I'm the one who's out because I'm afraid the answer will be "no"-- even though that's just silly! He loves me just as much as he loves his Daddy and Grampy and Doggy. He's just got this special relationship with Ethan that I envy.

That's why I've been thinking a lot...and...I'm going to ask Ethan if we can get pregnant again. I really, really want a little girl of my own...someone I can have that special relationship with...someone who might understand me from a girl-point-of-view who has the same genes as me. See, I grew up in an all-male family (not counting Mom!), and when I married Ethan I inherited another all-male family. Not that I'm complaining, but I do still get teamed up on here! I'd like to tip the scales a little towards the female gender in this house...get someone on MY side for a change!
I know it's very possible that I could have another son, and...that's fine. I could still have a special bond with a son and all of that, but my strong, strong hope is that it would be a girl. Of course I'll be deleting this entry if it turns out to be another boy, but...God? If you exist...please, please, please can I have a little girl??

Sunday, Feb. 14, 2010
Today's Valentine's Day, and...Ethan said that tonight he'll give me another baby! Eeeeeee!!! I found these articles that talk about how to influence your body to have a girl, so me and Ethan have had no coffee or meat for the last week and have been eating lots of fruits and vegetables and other "gentle" foods, but hey-- I'll do whatever it takes! He thinks it's cute and he's humoring me, but I can tell he hopes it's a girl, too!

Sunday, Feb. 21, 2010
It worked!!! I'm pregnant again!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! We decided that we're going to let this one be a surprise and not ask what the gender is. I mean, if I found out it was a boy I'd feel let-down and disappointed for a while, and I wouldn't want to be feeling that way while I'm pregnant, so...I just don't want to know until the baby is safely out of me, hehe!
Oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be a girl!!

Sunday, July 4, 2010
Ugh...it's the 4th of July and everyone's outside doing 4th of July-crap and I'm hiding up here in the cool, dark bedroom. I'm almost 5 months pregnant and this pregnancy is definitely different from Alex's! I'm so much more tired and mood-swingy than with him, AND my belly looks a lot rounder! Everyone tells me that these are sure signs that the baby is a girl. I know they're old-wives-tales, but I cling to them hopefully, hehe!
Rubbing my Buddha-belly for luck!

Saturday, Oct. 23, 2010
Only a couple more weeks until the baby's due! I, uh...went out and bought a whole pile of baby girl clothes...just in case! I HAD to! I even tore one of the tags off so it can't be returned-- just to try to influence fate, even though at this point it's too late about the gender!

Sunday, November 7, 2010
Everyone's sleeping so I thought I'd take a moment!
IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAH!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! SO HAPPY!!! SO SO SO SO SO HAPPY!!!! Today is officially Amnesty for God-day! If god exists, none shall speak ill of him...er, HER...in my presence every Nov. 7th! *grin* And what a good birthday present for me! We're both born in November...awww!
I still cannot believe it...I'm in awe...so grateful. The labor and birth were just as quick and easy as with Alex, and the recovery afterwards just as fast. Jennifer was here for it again! She seemed especially moved by this one-- I think because it was a girl, and she's especially tender-hearted for little girls. So, of course, we had to do something special for her! Ethan and I had, somehow, both come up with the same name that we liked best if it was a girl: Diana. So the baby's full name is Diana Jennifer Crane. She has the same light blonde fuzz-hair as Alex, but even lighter/brighter blue eyes! She was only 9 lbs. 21 inches-- small compared to how big Alex was, but still a big baby compared to non-Crane/Nielsson babies! *grin*
OK, I'm having empty-arms-syndrome again. That's all the time I can stand to not be holding her so I'll write again later! YEEEEEEEAAAAAY Diana!!!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Today's Alex's 6th birthday and there's a mini-party going on in the backyard. Sometimes I wish I didn't have this human alter-ego named Vicky that I have to pretend to be! My idea of a party and Vicky's idea of a party are very different things!
Anyway, Alex is having a great time with his new best friend Cynthia Deerfield. If that name sounds familiar it's because I probably wrote about her 6-7 years ago when Sero created a syrum that cured Cynthia's cancer. She was the little girl that Jennifer practically adopted and spent a lot of her money to help. Now Cynthia's cancer-free and her family lives in Littleton, Kansas not too far away. Alex practically worships her! The two have become inseperable! On the outside it might look weird that a 12-year old girl and a 6-year old boy would be such close friends, but Cynthia missed out on the first 6 years of her life by being stuck in hospitals, so in essence she just started her real childhood when she was 6, so mentally she and Alex are very compatable! Not to say that she's slow or anything because she's very smart, she's just socially closer to Alex's age than to kids her own age in many ways.
Anyway, I took this picture of Diana just a few minutes ago, and it was so striking that I wanted to add it to my journal-entry in case I screwed up and accidentally deleted it-- something I could see myself doing!

Isn't she amazing? She's so incredibly smart! She must have gotten that from me, naturally! *grin* She's not even 4 years old yet and she's already some kind of computer-genius! I'm worried that she's spending too much time on the computer and not enough time running around outside and making friends, but we have an agreement, she and I. We love each other for exactly who we are, and we're never going to try to change each other. If she grows up and turns out to be a thinker-nova instead of a fighter-nova, good for her! We need both kinds! (yes, I said that, and no, I'm not drunk!) Or...she could even stay human. Right now I don't know what I want for my kids-- to erupt, or not to erupt? If they erupted they'd be a lot harder to abduct or harm, but if they didn't erupt they might be left in peace. I guess it's not really up to me in the end.

These last years have been...very good. Ethan and I watch the news together, and there hasn't been much that's made either of us upset. We haven't been called in to help Maxine very much at all. We've been enjoying being married and being parents! Can you believe we just celebrated our 7th anniversary and are still going strong? I didn't end up having Aura join the XWF, and after all these years of Rage being undefeted as the Red Circle Champion she finally agreed to step down and let someone else have it! The 2nd and 3rd place fighters duked it out, and Rage gave her belt to the winner. It was a win-win situation for us both, because no one had any glimmer of hope of defeating me, and I didn't have to lose in order to leave the Federation! I was going to unmask myself on national television and reveal that I was Aura, but something stopped me, so Rage goes on being her own person...although I haven't seen her at all since her final appearance with the XWF. Not to worry, though. She's still here. Somewhere around. To be called on when she's needed. IF she's ever needed.

Amidst all the good there are still some troubling things. Caestus remains in a coma. I feel bad for Maxine, and for Katherine-- aka K-Pax. (I'm her godmother-- I get to make up bad nicknames for my goddaughter! *grin*)
Also, Andre is...getting weird. Physically, not personality-wise this time. Each year he's been getting faster and faster, and to me it looks like he's not in control of it. Oh, he keeps this calm smile and aire about him, but I see it in his eyes. Something's going wrong. I know he's been pushing himself to go faster and faster, so I've come to the conclusion that in trying to push ourselves to get bigger/better/faster we're screwing up something in our nodes...maybe doing irrepairable damage. And with Caestus in a coma, there's no one who can look into it and maybe repair it. I'm worried about Andre. I talked to Ethan about it, and we've agreed to just maintain our skills and not to try improve them anymore. With the chrysallis-lore lost, there's nothing we can do to burn off this "taint" we naturally acquire. I really wish Caestus would wake up. Nova-research seems to have come to a halt since we lost him.

I still see Pumpkin, Kat, Elias, Lydia, and Sunny on a regular basis, and Jennifer comes here every weekend. Pumpkin and Samantha still haven't had any kids. I guess Samantha gave up on it and decided to focus on her singing career. Kat, however, ended up marrying Skew and they have procreated! Why is it that the two most unlikely-to-get-married-and-have-kids out of all of Stormwatch-- me and her-- are the two that ended up doing just that? Hehehehe! OK, so Lydia also got married and had TWINS, but I think I saw that coming!
I hope Pumpkin's happy...I really do. I know Jennifer just buries herself in her work to keep her mind off of him. Pumpkin kept telling me that I'm a horrible match-maker so I got paranoid and decided NOT to try setting Jennifer up with Elias or my brother Richie and just leave her be-- just in case Pumpkin was right and I ended up fucking people's lives up. Jennifer's gotten better and better at hiding her loneliness over the years, but she's still no match for the perceptive eye of her BFF!

Ethan and I are doing really great! We never fight anymore...the most we do is good-natured teasing-- which the kids love to watch and giggle about! When the kids are in bed we go on nightly flights together, and some nights we look down on the world and make sure everything is well...or as well as it CAN be.
I've had this wild hair to train my EuFiber to make a Lady Supreme costume and surprise Ethan one of these days, but then the rebellious, free-spirited Gwen always steps in and stops me! Well...now that I don't need my Vengeance-costume anymore I think I'll work on a Lady Supreme costume...even if I never whip it out!

Well, time to get back to the party! I told Ethan I was just going inside to take a breather for a minute, and it's definitely been more than a minute!

Tuesday, Dec. 31, 2019
This year has been the most horrible year I've ever endured...greatly shadowing the last horrible year I had-- 2004 when I erupted.
First we lost Andre. He just...evaporated. His body was moving too fast to hold itself together anymore. I still can't believe it. I didn't want to write about it because putting it down in words somehow makes it final, and a part of me wants to believe that he's alive out there somewhere. It made the rest of us novas feel nervous and paranoid that something similar will happen to us all one day. I didn't want to have to write about 2019...I'm already starting to lose it and I've only written about Andre so far. Au revoir, m'ami.

Then we lost Margaret Maxine Mercer-Pax to a stupid car accident on the Autoban. Have I mentioned how much I hate Germany? The only good thing that came out of there was Rammstein. I'm still in disbelief...shock...poor Caestus STILL in a coma, and his daughter-- for all intents and purposes-- orphaned.
I was so flattered when Maxine asked me to be Katherine's godmother, but it's one of those honors that you hope you never have to fulfill because of what that means has happened. So after the funeral K-Pax came to live with us...until the day her father wakes up. I was worried that she wouldn't be able to handle the culture-shock of moving from a huge house in Geneva to a farmhouse in Kansas, but she seemed almost grateful to get away from Geneva. I think she was getting overwhelmed by all the people coming up to her and giving her their condolences 24-7. I can't believe she's 12 years old now. Where the hell has time gone??

Ethan and I decided to finally tell the kids about our real identities before going to Switzerland to bring Katherine back because Katherine only knows us as Gwen/Aura and Ethan/Supreme, so if we didn't tell the kids they'd find out sooner or later.
They were both really surprised and excited when we told them! It seemed to take Alex a little longer to digest it than Diana. Diana was instantly bouncing around the room excitedly, asking when SHE was going to erupt, and wanting to know stories of the adventures we'd been on, and what bad guys we'd fought! Alex suddenly seemed to mature and age a lot in the space of 15 minutes after finding out his dad was Supreme. Both of the kids' shoulders got a little straighter and their chins lifted a little higher! It was really cute to see! We were so relieved! You just never know how people are going to react to things, you know?
It did take some convincing to get Diana to promise not to call herself "Diana Supreme" at school! It did lead to me finally finding a funny nickname for her: "Diana Ross & the Supremes," hehe! Or just "Diana & the Supremes." At least if she slips up and tells people her parents are Lord and Lady Supreme, hehe, then I can say she just got confused when we told her about Diana Ross & the Supremes! *grin* Hey-- you gotta have SOME kind of back-up plan!

Another dark point of the year-- depending on how you look at it-- was when Pumpkin found out that Samantha had been cheating on him with a musician in her band, and Pumpkin went and killed the musician. Which started the divorce-preceedings off with a bang! I wanted to go give him a big Pumpkin-hug and tell him I would have done exactly the same thing in his place and I only wish I could have been there to watch, but somehow that didn't seem appropriate when I saw how torn-up he was over the whole thing. It's probably also inappropriate to say that I hope he and Jennifer finally get together now...and even MORE inappropriate to say "I told you so," but...I TOLD him so. I'm sorry, Pumpkin. You'll always be my brother and one of the few soulmates I have out there, and I wish I hadn't been right.

Now for the worst of the news. The final person we lost this year...James Crane. Ethan's father...my father-in-law...my children's grandpa. He was sitting in his favorite chair with Radar laying beside him while everyone else was decorating the Christmas tree, and suddenly Radar started whimpering. James had gone peacefully, watching his family decorating for the holidays. I guess if he HAD to go, that's the kind of death we would have wished for him...Jesus...the house feels so empty now, and there are 6 of us still living here. We buried him beside Jessica on the hill. I hate this...I can't handle it. I just keep flashing back to all the memories I have of him and I want the pain to stop. He was the one I could always go to and know he'd give me a safe haven in the middle of the storm, and listen to me without passing judgement. I hope he's with Jessica now.

Monday, Sept. 16, 2020
Today was a very amusing and proud day for me! I got my first call from the principal to come to the elementary school because he wanted to talk to me about my daughter! Apparently Di got in her first fight at school at age 9! She didn't start it, as expected. But she sure ended it! She said a boy was picking on her for having boobs-- very cute LITTLE boobs, but I guess ANY boobs are considered the height of hillarity for 9-year old boys. Boy will they change their tunes in about 5 years!
ANYWAY! He started trying to snap her bra, and then he started trying to flip it in back so it would unfasten, and she just lost it and decked him right in the face!! That's my girl! *proud grin* When the principal told me what happened, I got a big grin on my face and laughed loudly before I could stop myself, but then I quickly covered up my blunder by telling the principal that he must be mistaken...my sweet little angel would never do anything like that! Got to maintain the good-housewife-Vicky Crane-alter-ego!
Once the principal was able to "convince" me that it was really and truly Diana who did it, you know what I told him? I told him that if the teachers couldn't keep boys from touching girls inappropriately then I'd expect my daughter to defend herself, and I hoped the little pervert had learned his lesson! Then I marched triumphantly out of the office, beaming from ear to ear! THAT'S my girl!
I didn't tell Ethan what happened because I was worried he might lecture her...OR me...and I didn't think she'd behaved inappropriately at all! Instead I took her aside, hugged her and told her how proud of her I was, and told her that I promised not to tell her father what happened if she promised that next time she'd run to a teacher BEFORE popping the guy one...just to sound parently! *grin* She was so relieved that I wasn't mad, and agreed to the promise!
Part of me WANTS to tell Ethan to see if he's proud of her, too, and to show him that the self-defense training we've been giving the kids has really paid off! But...better to stick to the plan!

Thursday, Aug. 19, 2021
Some incredible change has come over Diana recently! Let me start from the beginning. After Grandpa Crane died last December, Diana went into this deep funk/depression and started staying in her room all the time...on her computer. She wouldn't go out and play...she wouldn't make friends...she'd barely stay downstairs for meals. We were really worried about her, but the counsellor at her school said that children all grieve in different ways, and to give her a little more time and space.

In the meantime Alex and Ethan had been spending almost ALL their free-time together! Alex wanted to be big and strong like his dad, and he's 13 now, so Ethan started him on our weight machines and a fitness regiment, and MAN has Alex been bulking up quickly! I told Ethan not to pile too much on him or it could stunt his growth...hehe! Like ANYTHING could stunt a Supreme/Nielsson's growth! Quite the opposite has happened!
Anyway, this seemed to make Diana withdraw into herself even further. I took her aside one day and asked what was wrong, and she mumbled something about being a disappointment to us, and how if either of them were going to erupt it would be Alex and then we wouldn't want her anymore...something only a 10 1/2-year old could think up...and then she ran up to her room and slammed the door! I was so confused that I couldn't even react to it for a minute! She's my pride and joy! I thought I'd instilled that knowledge in her to such a degree that she'd never doubt it! Man...Dad was right! No matter what you do kids are still confusing!

Anyway, then last week she came down for breakfast with this big radiant smile on her face, walking straight and tall, and asked me if she could go running with me every morning before school! I was thinking, "What the...?" but I said "Sure!" without missing a beat! So she's been my running-buddy everyday! I don't know WHAT caused this transition in her, but whatever it was, THANK YOU!! She's even back to doing her nova-talk-- talking about the day she erupts, and which powers she wants to get from each of us, and what she's going to do with her powers! I love her so much! My little sunshine has come out from behind her cloud! (OK, that was cheesy. So Gwen had a moment of cheese!)

Wednesday, Sept. 14th, 2022
I knew this peace-shit was too good to last. I feel numb inside. Better than the pain I felt before...and the rage. Welcome back, Rage. Some fucking asshole terrorist-group-from-the-Middle-East-#3,627 decided they were pissed-off about the United States not needing their oil anymore and detonated an atomic bomb in a briefcase in San Diego where some energy-summit was being held, just to show them a thing or to, I guess. Destroyed the entire city. Along with my brother Pete and sister-in-law Umbra.
I called Mom and Dad, frantically begging them to tell me that Pete and Umbra had been visiting them in Long Beach and hadn't been anywhere NEAR San Diego, but not that weekend. The one weekend they decided to stay at home.

All I could see was red...this white-hot rage burning in my core. Ethan asked if I wanted to do this on my own, but I told him I would appreciate it if he came with me, so after the responsible terrorist-group revealed their identity on their stupid TV station-- like all fucking stupid terrorist-groups feel the need to do-- and announced that they were the ones who set off the bomb, together we flew to the Middle East and wiped every one of them out...and every other group we came across for good measure. And not one government outside of the Middle East made any move to stop us or reprimanded us...not a peep. Good. They've learned.

And now I'm sitting here trying to think of when the last time I told Pete and Umbra that I loved them was. I'm really bad about telling people I love them. Oh, I'm as affectionate as all hell, but I just can't bring myself to say the words like I should. So I'm going to make it a point right now to try to start saying it every chance I get. Not every minute of every day...nothing annoying like that...but at least once a day to each person I live with, and everytime I'm on the phone with the rest of my family. Our peaceful little bubble has been pierced. No more taking anything for granted.

So just to document it here, and to get myself off on a good start, here are a handful of "I love yous" that are long overdue...
Ethan, I love you. We went through fire in the beginning, but it only made our marriage better and stronger. You are the other half that makes me a complete being. Where I am weak, you are strong, and where you are weak, I am strong. We hold one another up. We are a team. You are an incredible husband, an incredible lover, and incredible father, and an incredible man. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for loving me.

Alex, I love you. How could I not when you're so like your father! You are smart and strong, determined and brave...you are a good person and a dependable person, and everyone in the household looks up to you.

Diana, I love you. You are the best of both of us, your father and I. You are strong and smart. You are fearless and optimistic. You are clever and resourceful. You are quick-witted and quick-minded. And you always make me smile.

Jennifer, I love you. You never let others know how you are suffering, but intead you've made it your life's work to ease the suffering of others. You are a light that burns brightly...sometimes flickering, but never going dim. You always surprise me! Just when I think I've got you figured out you suddenly catch me off-guard with a dirty joke, or a new move you've worked on when we're sparring! Sometimes I wish you'd just take a break and move in with us, but then you wouldn't be Jennifer Landers! Well, your room's always waiting for you here.

Pumpkin, I love you, too! You're my oldest friend, and you epitomize the meaning of the word "loyalty." You always stuck by me-- even when the shit hit the fan. No matter how I screwed up or what stupid thing I did, you always came to my defense. You argued with Bob and negociated with Caestus to keep me in Stormwatch after I'd been kicked out. You and I went on a lot of "special" missions together that no one else wanted to touch. You have that violent core that I love in the men in my life! You were my partner in crime, and the one I knew I could always go to with anything.

OK, that's all I'm going to do for now. I want to make this a habit, though! Wait. I'm not done.
Pete...I love you so much. You took my side when no one else would. You took me in and finished raising me. You were the only one who came to Athens with me for my Olympics. You kept me from killing myself after I erupted. You gave me a job and a purpose. You were my big brother and my savior, and I miss you so bad. I hope wherever you are you can hear these words as I speak them out loud. I love you, Pete.
OK now I'm done.

-FINAL Entry-

Monday, June 3, 2024
Someone killed Jennifer!! SOMEONE FUCKING KILLED JENNIFER!!! We're out of here...going to New York...all of us...going to find whoever did this...I can't talk right now...so in a rage...cannot think...my mind is chaos...Pumpkin sounds almost worse than I do on the phone...good!!! If he'd fucking married her or moved in with her-- ANYTHING-- then he would have been there with her and would have fucking ripped the SHIT out of anyone who tried to kill her, but no! She had to live alone!! JESUS!! OK stop Gwen stop...not Brody's fault...calm down calm down...can't calm down...if this is my last entry for a long while it's because I went fucking nuclear and took out all of Manhattan in my fury. That's enough...got to go NOW. Damnit Jennifer, why didn't you come live with us??? FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!